Re: The Worst

1

I predict extremely high levels of presidential pseudonymity in comments replying to the original post.


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:23 PM
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I prefer giving bad sex advice to receiving it.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:25 PM
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Because I'm a feminist.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:25 PM
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4

Mayonnaise.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:25 PM
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"Be yourself and be confident".

Useless.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:26 PM
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Do adults really get sex advice from others?


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:26 PM
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Dan Savage makes a living off it.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:27 PM
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6 is surely "no", and I suspect most answers, like 4, are from the middle-school years, or sometime roughly thereabout.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:28 PM
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I'm 18, so sex advice abounds.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:29 PM
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Perhaps the worse sex advice I can imagine are those sex positions that nerve used to have. They were the same darn thing over and over again with different names.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:29 PM
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11

6: Will, I think that you should really consider incorporating more dominance/submission play into your sex life.


Posted by: Epoch | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:30 PM
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Unsolicited, I should add.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:30 PM
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11:

Try it again, but in a deeper, more demanding voice.


Bitch!


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:31 PM
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from the middle-school years

Oh, well that changes things. "You do it in the butt on the third time you have sex. The first time, you put one finger in her butt. The second time, you put in two fingers. Then on the third time, she'll be ready for it."


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:31 PM
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"Trust me."


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:32 PM
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It'll be more special if you save yourself for your husband.


Posted by: Laura Bush | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:33 PM
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Older brother Geebie: Be careful at parties. If you sit on a guy's lap, he can have sex with you.
Lil Heebie: Through your pants?!?!?
Old G: You're wearing a skirt.
Lil H: Oh...what about your underpants?
Old G: You're not wearing any underpants.
Lil H: Oh...

I was left with the impression that I might not notice if it happened. Beware!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:34 PM
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Di:

Advice you received, not gave.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:34 PM
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Older brother Geebie: You can tell at school the day after a girl lost her virginity.
Lil Heebie: Really?? How??
Old G: She walks funny.
Lil H: How does she walk?
Old G: Like a duck.
Lil H: Oh...

Lil H thinks, Note to self: lose your virginity on a weekend, not a schoolnight.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:36 PM
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But all the advice I received was good, as I much prefer to receive than to give.

I'm lying of course. Very little of the advice was good.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:37 PM
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I'm lying of course. Very little of the advice was good.

even my advice?!?!?!!


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:38 PM
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Little Heebie's brother would have been fun to grow up with.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:38 PM
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Oh, your advice was wonderful, Will. Really. It was very special to me.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:41 PM
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24

A fallacious air of calm and sophistication as a teenager keeps people from giving you stupid sex advice, under the assumption that you already know more than they do. Unfortunately, it also leaves you not knowing a blessed thing about what you're doing.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:45 PM
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I'm not remembering ever having received advice. I read some, and heard stories and speculation, but nothing was ever directed at me. I've taken direction, but that's not the same thing.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:45 PM
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Lil H: Condoms are made out of rubber, right?
Old G: Right.
Lil H: So...you know how an innertube sticks to your skin?
Doesn't it hurt? Like, down there? That doesn't seem like it'd feel very good.
Old G: They're lubricated.
Lil H: Ohhhhh.

(Sometimes he came through for me, though.)


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:47 PM
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As the son of an Ob/gyn, I learned the basics at an early age, much to the consternation of my second grade teacher.

Apparently, you are not suppose to discuss fallopian tubes in class.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:47 PM
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A different friend swore about douching upside-down in the shower, to prevent pregnancy. I did not believe her.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:47 PM
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"A [not-entirely] fallacious air of [sweetness and purity] as a teenager keeps people from giving you stupid sex advice, under the assumption that you [don't need to] know [as much as] they do. Unfortunately, it also leaves you not knowing a blessed thing about what you're doing."


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:48 PM
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The Talk, administered when I was 6 or 7 years old, presumably because that made it easier for the parents to overcome their mutual loathing, left me with the impression that the onset of sexual interest occurred in one's 40s.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:51 PM
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This is advice given, not received, but whatever . . . A friend's teenage brother wrote to him because he wanted advice on sex, in anticipation of losing his virginity with his girlfriend in the near future. My advice: "Tell him that foreplay is just a big myth."

I feel now that I've done my part for teenage sexual ineptitude, not that I didn't do my part when I was a teenager.


Posted by: Bald lurker Chris | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:52 PM
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It's basically a series of tubes...


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:52 PM
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24: "A fallacious air of calm and sophistication" was "a long-standing air of self-deprecation and shyness," in my case. A perfect target for advice, in other words.

It had its upsides, though. It made it a hell of a lot funnier when I was able to mock the fallacious calm of others, for instance. There are stories, but they're a little too gross to share.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:52 PM
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34

Fake it.


Posted by: Lady Bird Johnson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:53 PM
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Yeah, I'm not actually sure how much I looked sophisticated and how much I looked pure.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:53 PM
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I did not believe her.

Then you've only yourself to blame for the resultant baby in your belly-button.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:53 PM
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37

douching upside down? Like, standing on one's head in the shower?


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:54 PM
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38

Then you've only yourself to blame for the resultant baby in your belly-button.

It's a watermelon. I swallowed some seeds.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:54 PM
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Unfortunately, it also leaves you not knowing a blessed thing about what you're doing.

Do you honestly think there could have been good advice that would have smoothed your path, leaving aside who would give it to you?


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:54 PM
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40

It's a watermelon

That's what I told the people outside the clinic, but they were still angry at me.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:57 PM
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41

39: Yes. Unfortunately, I'm too sweet and pure to share with the class.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:58 PM
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42

A college roommate one explained to me that chicks really liked it when you shot a load on their stomach. He was not kidding.


Posted by: blortch | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:58 PM
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43

Do you honestly think there could have been good advice that would have smoothed your path, leaving aside who would give it to you?

A waxer can do this. Go to a salon.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 12:58 PM
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44

"You can tell she's having an orgasm if her toes curl" a friend told me in high school. I shucked off my shoes and said, "Like this?" and curled my toes.

"Damn! Girls can fake that!" he said.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:00 PM
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45

42:
To clarify, "he was not kidding" means that he was serious. It does not mean that I've independently verified his supposition.


Posted by: blortch | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:00 PM
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46

I think some of the worst sex advice I ever got was from guys I was doing it with at the time. It might have been good for them that way, but not applicable to other guys. It took until I was 24 or so before I really understood that (a) every man has unique and strange tastes, and (b) they all think their tastes are universal. So they don't say, "Honey, I want you to do this because I like it"; they say, "You're doing it wrong. No one likes it like that."


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:04 PM
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30: My own version of The Talk, when I was about 10, left me with the question "Why would anyone ever want to do something like that?" Thus explaining my whole future development.

The Talk was given to me and my two younger sisters by my very uneasy mother. To spare her feeling we said nothing and asked no questions.

You'd think that the dad would tell the boys and the mom the girls, but either my dad was even more embarrassed than my mom, or else he thought that The Talk was a woman's job. Doing a batch of three kids all at once was certainly to save embarrassment and avoid unnecessar communication.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:05 PM
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48

So they don't say, "Honey, I want you to do this because I like it"

fingers in the hoo-ha, eh?


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:06 PM
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49

I think the greatest variety of taste is in blowjobs. There is no One True Path.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:08 PM
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"You're doing it wrong. No one likes it like that."

It's easier to say that than "I want..."


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:09 PM
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51

Oh! Not advice, exactly, but I did know a guy (this time in early high school, I think) who claimed to have developed an amazing sexual move that he used to give the ladies unending waves of orgasmic pleasure. The "Texas Tornado" was the name he gave it, for reasons that are neither entirely clear nor entirely unclear. Anyway, since he carried an air of sexual success about him, people were naturally interested in the mechanics of his patented move. He resisted sharing for a long time, but one day in the lockerroom he finally broke under pressure and spilled his secret: guy standing, grabs girl by the pubic hair and spins her around in circles while, um, thrusting vigorously. Even looking past the extraordinary acrobatics of the claim, he had a lot of explanatory bullshit about how her being spun around in circles like that made all the blood rush to her head for ultra-intense orgasms (no one gets dizzy?), and also about how the fact that her entire body weight was being spun around by her public hair--that was key--didn't hurt even though one would normally think it might because of the raging sex neurochemicals and complex physics of the spin, and actually the force pulling her pubes triggered some deep, hidden sexual hotspots and that was what would send her into truly unparalleled extremes of sexual pleasure.

He tried to keep up the bluff for a while, but I think he must have known the game was lost by the blank stares of incredulity in the room. Turns out he was a virgin, of course.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:09 PM
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47: I think I asked the same question, only slightly younger, and completely cracked my dad up. Didn't get a good answer -- I think he ended up saying that by the time I needed to know, it would be obvious.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:10 PM
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I think the greatest variety of taste is in blowjobs.

*Snicker*


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:11 PM
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54

Every time I try to pick someone up by the pubes something goes wrong.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:11 PM
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I've known women who've liked 42.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:12 PM
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45: Well... ummm, that's not universally bad advice. Depends on the partner.

Universally bad would be something like (close to apo's 14) "surprise her with anal."


Posted by: Lyndon Baines Johnson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:13 PM
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Oh wait! No, I'm wrong! Handjobs are the most difficult. Handjobs: my white whale.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:13 PM
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Because they've requested it?


Posted by: blortch | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:13 PM
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39: "If a woman has a long history of boyfriends that range from somewhat unlike you to extremely unlike you, it won't work out between you and her any time soon. Also, all things being equal, whether your peers like your partner really, really doesn't matter."

Those pieces of advice are a bit idiosyncratic, and I'm not certain I would have listened to them, but it's at least possible that I would have and if I had it probably would have made a pretty big difference.

Also, that's not advice about sex specifically, so maybe it's off-topic. No, I can't think of any sex-specific advice that would have helped. Well, I can think of one, but it's a medical thing.


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:14 PM
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44: "You can tell she's having an orgasm if her toes curl" a friend told me in high school.

I heard that one, and also the variant about how a woman's nipples will lose any erectness after the fact.


Posted by: Lunar Rockette | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:14 PM
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That's definitely not how you do the Texas Tornado.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:14 PM
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58 to 55


Posted by: blortch | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:15 PM
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Do tell, Smasher.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:15 PM
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Urban dictionary on the Texas Tornado:

After anally penetrating a woman (or man) with at least his/her fist, the person fisting soon wiggles themselves all the way inside, putting up their arms and spinning around inside the other's bowels, like a tornado. Usually impossible to do, and if successful, often fatal to the other.

I guess there are several varieties.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:17 PM
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65

64: If you can get your head and one arm in, you can get everything in. A burglar told me this.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:18 PM
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66

You know what they say: show, don't tell.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:19 PM
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67

51 reminds me of the "bag of sand" scene from 40-Year-Old Virgin.


Posted by: Lyndon Baines Johnson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:19 PM
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66: Depends. Does it hurt? If not, I'm free.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:20 PM
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69

Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.


Posted by: Safamb | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:20 PM
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70

Armshmasher is making a video for us.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:20 PM
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67: description? I haven't seen that movie. This was of course before that time.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:21 PM
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Often fatal indeed. I just nearly died choking on my drink.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:21 PM
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73

I'm not remembering ever having received advice. I read some, and heard stories and speculation, but nothing was ever directed at me. I've taken direction, but that's not the same thing.

Cinematic direction?


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:21 PM
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74

71: Here you go, Brock.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:22 PM
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75

Think of what LBJ might have compromised had s/he not posted the risky content in 67 preseudonymously.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:23 PM
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Am I going to want to click that link from work, Apo?


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:23 PM
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70: I can't tell whether you're making fun of me, heebie-schmeebie.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:25 PM
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71: The Guys are sitting around the poker table shooting the shit about their favourite female physical attributes, and they get onto the subject of breasts. Steve (the titular 40-year-old virgin) tries to bluff his way through by saying, "Yeah, I love the way it feels like a big... bag of... of sand..." while the other guys look at him blankly.


Posted by: Lyndon Baines Johnson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:25 PM
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75: I been Presidential since 56, mofo. Before it was cool.


Posted by: Lyndon Baines Johnson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:27 PM
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Just a bunch of guys sitting around a table, playing poker and talking about sex. You got headphones?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:27 PM
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Don't make me nag, Lyndon. Presidential pseudonyms are preserved for discreet disclosure.


Posted by: Lady Bird Johnson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:28 PM
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82

81: Disclosing whether you've come on your partners' stomachs doesn't count?


Posted by: Lyndon Baines Johnson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:28 PM
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70: I can't tell whether you're making fun of me, heebie-schmeebie.

By adding the h? Or by promoting your video? I'm chrafty!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:29 PM
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84

(Brock's a braver man than I, obvs.)


Posted by: LBJ | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:29 PM
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82: Not unless you're naming names. Or she's a celebrity. Or it was while you were married.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:29 PM
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75: LOL. Well, most likely it's a case of someone who accidentally clicked on the pseudonym in the autocomplete form, but it's fun to imagine that the Texas Tornado guy is a regular commenter here or something.


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:30 PM
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57: Handjobs: the one sexual act that 99.99% of all men can perform quite successfully on themselves. It's unclear to me why anyone (well, you know, besides the .01%) gets handjobs from their partners. Doomed to failure.


Posted by: Epoch | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:30 PM
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88

85: Okay. It was Paris Hilton.


Posted by: LBJ | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:31 PM
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89

Oookay, the moral of this story is that I should preview before commenting.


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:32 PM
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90

If you cross Heebie she'll be crawling up your ass in a minute, Smasher. Just agree with her, OK?


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:32 PM
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87: I was hanging out with my old roommate and his best female friend last weekend, and admitted my total lack of serviceability with handjobs, and she said, after much study and practice, she got really good at it, but still couldn't manage a good blowjob. We thought about pinch-hitting for each other someday.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:33 PM
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Shmasher, 90 is the worst sex advice you've ever recieved.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:33 PM
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93

82/88: Presidential pseudonyms are to be donned but then discontinued once the disclosure is done, you see?


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:34 PM
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94

Isn't there a book, or a community college class, or a self-help group? I'm distressed by the things I'm hearing.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:34 PM
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95

I keep reading "Shmasher" in Carol Channing's voice.

Raspberries!


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:35 PM
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96

couldn't manage a good blowjob

I'm curious how she knew this. Were her partners that blunt?


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:35 PM
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93: Posting Presidentially and non-Presidentially in the same thread defeats the whole purpose, dude. We had this discussion when Presidential posting was invented.


Posted by: LBJ | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:35 PM
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98

but still couldn't manage a good blowjob

Huh. In my experience, nearly every woman thinks she's a blowjob expert.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:35 PM
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87: Some people don't like oral sex. Also, the fact that it's not you can often make up for a lack of technical skill.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:36 PM
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65: LOL

I've only gotten advice once. It was pretty useful.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:36 PM
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101

I don't understand 97.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:36 PM
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102

90 gives me the heebie-geebies.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:36 PM
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103

Barbara told me that after Jeb, she couldn't have more!

I think she meant "shouldn't."


Posted by: George Herbert Walker Bush | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:37 PM
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87 gets it right.

In my experience, nearly every woman thinks she's a blowjob expert.

Exact opposite here.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:38 PM
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105

96:
"Stop, that tickles too much," would be a dead giveaway to not being very good at it.


Posted by: blortch | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:38 PM
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106

Some people regard me as an infestation. I can make their skin crawl. But I respond well to being smoked out.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:38 PM
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96/98: It's not impossible to get the implication. I had two girlfriends in a row who were just awful at oral sex. If your boyfriend stops being interested in it after the third attempt, that's a clue.


Posted by: Epoch | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:39 PM
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96, 98: I think most of us know when we're doing well or not. Expert? I don't think many non-pros could claim to be an expert in all cases, but some of us are more confident about some skills than others.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:39 PM
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87: Well, if you want to do something, and anal is scary and oral is icky and the girl wants to save herself for marriage, there's not much left. I agree with you that handjobs are largely obselete, but I imagine they were fairly popular in a more prudish age. (Yay stereotypes!)

Also, in defense of the handjob, very few sex acts can be performed while both participants are in a sitting position, like at a movie theater.


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:39 PM
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110

The key with blowjobs is to scrape like you're eating an artichoke leaf.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:40 PM
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111

101: I mean, maybe I'm wrong. I just remember that coming up... but I can't remember the technical reason now.


Posted by: LBJ | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:41 PM
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112

Has anyone here ever gotten a good handjob? Those need to be stricken from the cultural repertoire.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:41 PM
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113

Some people regard me as an infestation. I can make their skin crawl.

Not you alone, surely -- you have to bring some more of your ilk along with you to pull it off.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:42 PM
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114

The words "desultory" and "handjob" go together fairly often, I'm afraid.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:42 PM
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115

110 freaked me out/made me laugh.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:43 PM
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116

112: Um, yes?


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:43 PM
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117

Heebie is always forgetting and losing her ilk, and then finding it months later all curdled.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:43 PM
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118

handjobs are largely obselete

Aw, c'mon. The classics never go out of style. It's never been an entree, if you will, but still an important part of a well-balanced menu.

There was a prominent drycleaner's sign visible from the drag in Austin that used to make me snicker: "We Hand Finish".


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:43 PM
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119

112: Once.


Posted by: LBJ | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:44 PM
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120

Um, yes?

Wrong!


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:44 PM
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The key with blowjobs is to scrape like you're eating an artichoke leaf.

Heebie, that's perfect.

We can all go home now.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:44 PM
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112: I have, but maybe that's different for some reason I don't understand.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:44 PM
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121: To practice.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:44 PM
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104, 108: The impression I got was that nobody ever told them otherwise, for fear of discouraging them. FWIW, skill sets vary widely, but one can compensate for a lack of pro-level skills simply by dint of enthusiasm.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:45 PM
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Women are different from men in certain ways.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:45 PM
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to scrape like you're eating an artichoke leaf.

That was funny, but you just spilled coffee on my keyboard.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:45 PM
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46: AWB, you have some really strange ideas about men.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:46 PM
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I don't think I've ever received bad advice, but you certainly get the played up idea of your first time being the best ever from TV, movies, and youth groups (with the caveat if you've waited for marriage.)

I knew of a guy who thought ejaculating on his girlfriend's face would be sexy. As it turns out, it's much the sort of thing one should clear with one's girlfriend if you don't want the dorm floor to hear "Ugh... it's in my hair..."


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:46 PM
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Are you supposed to dip him in Hollandaise sauce first?


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:46 PM
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Has anyone over the age of, say, 17 ever received a handjob? (I meant that as a legitimate question but then realized it sounds like AWB and her friends give these. A genuine question: why?)


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:46 PM
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127: It's okay to disagree with me, Parsimon, but I'm getting the distinct sense that you hate me. To our swords!


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:47 PM
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130: Sure. Why? Variety.


Posted by: LBJ | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:48 PM
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130: It's something you can do while making out, and it's not as if the evening has to end there?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:48 PM
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130: I don't, not for long anyway, but I assumed it was because I was no good at it.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:49 PM
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Has anyone over the age of, say, 17 ever received a handjob?

Um, yes?


Posted by: Josj | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:49 PM
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Handjobs are the budget item with prostitutes.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:49 PM
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Wrong!

Hey!


Posted by: Magpie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:49 PM
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Crap. I should really have something to eat today.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:49 PM
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Variety is a good reason.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:50 PM
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I have this really pleasing mental image now of a plate full of discarded penises fellated artichokewise. And the deforested heart of the penis artichoke, the best part.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:51 PM
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Yiked--I retract 130. Wow, I guess I'm just naive -- I thought handjobs were just a kid thing. (With a well-known prostitutorial massage exception, of course.)


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:51 PM
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140 to 138.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:51 PM
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"Pleasing"? SBPB cannot possibly be male.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:51 PM
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Standpipe is of whatever gender Standpipe chooses to present Standpipeself as.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:52 PM
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I assumed it was because I was no good at it.

You're using lube, right? 'Cause if not, there's your problem right there.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:52 PM
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Hey!

Sorry, Magpie. Facts is facts.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:53 PM
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I thought handjobs were just a kid thing

Eight-year-olds are pretty good at it, it's true.


Posted by: LBJ | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:54 PM
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145: I'd like to think it's because I'm so good at everything else that the temptation distracts, but this is probably not the case. Yes, I know about lube.

I bet I make a weird face or something, like I'm taking a math test.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:54 PM
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I have this really pleasing mental image now of a plate full of discarded penises fellated artichokewise.

I'm ready to change my guess about Standpipe's gender.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:55 PM
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131:

I'm getting the distinct sense that you hate me

Nah. Of course not. It's just time for my round of 'I don't get AWB' -- it's happened before, you'll remember. Mystification. No big deal.

And I gotta go now.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:56 PM
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I think the possibility that the person typing these words is endongenated is rescued, in turn, by the possibility of sarcasm. The use of sarcasm wouldn't be dispositive, however.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:57 PM
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So, do footjobs count as "a handjob by any other means", or what?


Posted by: Lunar Rockette | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:57 PM
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LBJ: Now I'm harping. I think you're wrong about the presidential pseudonyms. It's supposed to be a hate you put on in order to make a sensitive point—then you go back to being regular commenter (unless you're still commenting on the sensitive topic, of course). Now you're making nonsensitive comments, and you may continue to do so for some time over this thread, but you'll be adding no data to my files. The way it works is you comment along, but then you have a point to make about spooging on someone's stomach, so you pick a president and talk spooge and then bracket that, and return to regular commenting.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:58 PM
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a hate you put on

Grr!!


Posted by: Barbara Bush | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 1:59 PM
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It's supposed to be a hate you put on in order to make a sensitive point

Like Nazism, in a way...


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:00 PM
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"hate" s/b "hat"


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:00 PM
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Whenever I want to make a sensitive point, I put on my Presidential hate. It's an attunement of the ch'i.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:00 PM
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I think LBJ's technical point is that the people with backstage access could out a president who also comments non-presidentially. But we can do that if you've ever commented from the same IP, it doesn't have to be in the same thread. I generally don't check (although I have for some) but don't get presidential if the idea is to keep your identity secure from the blogowners.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:00 PM
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I bet I make a weird face or something, like I'm taking a math test.

That made me laugh. Like you're erasing your whole answer because you just figured out you were on the wrong track.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:00 PM
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153: Have it your way. I'll just note that Skrulls are known for just this type of retentiveness.


Posted by: LBJ | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:01 PM
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Does anybody remember the Harper's Reading from sometime in the 90's where they compared the sex advice from Charles Mingus's autobiography with that from an enormously popular sex handbook found in airports and written from a Christian perspective, and found that they were more or less the same?


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:01 PM
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Apparently I shouldn't have shared the stomach comment non-presidentially. Apparently I have boundary issues. Excuse me a moment while I tuck in my shirt.


Posted by: blortch | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:01 PM
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An awkward thing about handjobs is that...well, are you supposed to be talking while you're doing it? Or staying silent? Should the woman look like she's concentrating and working hard, or should she try to look amorous?

It just feels like there are better things that could be done. Why not just turn it into a blowjob? (unless it's being done furtively and/or because both people have to be in a sitting position).


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:01 PM
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With handjobs, you get half-credit for off-by-one mistakes and plus-minus errors, as long as you set up the problem right.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:02 PM
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compared the sex advice from Charles Mingus's autobiography

I always wondered what GoodBye Pork Pie Hat meant.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:03 PM
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163: See my earlier comment re: making out. Other people have non-genital body parts they occasionally involve in sex, right?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:03 PM
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check (although I have for some)

I expect this sort of thing from ogged or apo, LB, but I honestly believed you were better than that.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:03 PM
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What if I don't like artichokes? Wouldn't that just make the whole experience awful for both of us?


Posted by: Hillary Clinton | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:03 PM
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A genuine question: why?

Marginally easier to pull off (ha!) with some discretion while in public.


Posted by: Gerald Ford | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:04 PM
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I love artichokes. Though I really wish I could get some salami.


Posted by: Monica | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:04 PM
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I would define a "handjob" as a discrete event characterized by a definite conclusion. Not the inevitable manual-genital contact during foreplay.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:04 PM
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Thank you, blortch, you sick fuck.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:05 PM
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Which of you ostensible adults is getting handjobs in public?? I can't even look at you anymore.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:05 PM
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143: SBPB

Short for "Standbipe Pridgeblate"?


Posted by: My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:05 PM
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171: Agreed. Manual stimulation after clothing removal, but not to climax, does not a handjob make. My anxiety is not about touching, but about digitally bringing about a conclusion.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:06 PM
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You could look at us before? Loss of privacy on the internet has gone too far!


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:06 PM
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It may be of some interest to the breeders present that the handjob problem is pretty much the same when it's two guys.

Also, LB, do you really think Dan Savage's advice is mostly bad?


Posted by: cerebrocrat | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:07 PM
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167: What would make you think something like that?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:07 PM
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Which of you ostensible adults is getting handjobs in public??

You actually thought that lifeguard was giving swim lessons?


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:07 PM
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177: No, I think he's largely pretty reasonable (and where not reasonable, at least entertaining). I was just noting that adults do get sex advice, enough to make handing it out a paid profession.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:08 PM
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175: That's your problem right there. Handjobs are analog.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:08 PM
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Hillary Clinton, I just skrulled blortch about misuse of executive privilege.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:09 PM
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Which President was Blortch?


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:09 PM
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175: It's not standard for the recipient to finish? It just feels discourteous otherwise.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:11 PM
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I shouldn't comment on sex threads on meetup days when lurkers are coming for the first time. I'm a very nice person, lurkers. I will not try to give anyone handjobs.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:11 PM
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I mean, I just skrulled LBJ. Policing this place is tough work. I don't know how you do it, BlizzardWreath.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:12 PM
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I, too, love artichokes.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:12 PM
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184: Usually, in most adult cases (I think we are largely agreed), one moves on to, like, coitus or something.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:12 PM
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Handjobs are fine if the desire for sex is unequal but the less desirous partner wants the desiring partner to go to sleep and stop noodging her. There is both an affectionate and a resentful version here.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:14 PM
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when lurkers are coming for the first time

Lurkers, AWB loves it when you come for the first time on her stomach.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:14 PM
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188: Most youth move on as well. I thought you were referring to the instances in which they don't, for whatever reason.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:14 PM
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I will not try to give anyone handjobs.

That's good of you. But I think everyone probably understands that sometimes accidents do happen.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:15 PM
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E-handjobs are especially squicky. E-viruses, stains on the screen, etc.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:16 PM
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I am unconvinced by you handjob-fanciers. And, look, it's not just that getting a handjob in the movie theatre is kind of discourteous to your fellow movie-patrons and so-high-school, it's also that, dude, you've got to wear those clothes, what the hell are you doing shooting bodily fluids everywhere?


Posted by: Epoch | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:17 PM
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it's also that, dude, you've got to wear those clothes, what the hell are you doing shooting bodily fluids everywhere?

It just lands in the empty popcorn bucket through whose floor protrudes the organ.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:18 PM
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189: Handjobs don't have to be such a low-rent affair. Given sparingly by a skillful partner, handjobs can be practically kinky.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:18 PM
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It's a good intro.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:20 PM
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194: Has "dick in a box" taught us nothing?


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:21 PM
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handjobs can be practically kinky

Now that's damning with faint praise. There are actually kinky things you can do (they would be dirty and wrong, but you don't have to settle for "practically").


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:22 PM
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In the interest of continuing the countintuitive TNR style discussion, I prefer a good handjob to a blowjob. It's a rare skill, but the right hands can be amazing.

Plus, handjobs: better in the shower.


Posted by: guilty | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:22 PM
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Given sparingly by a skillful partner, handjobs can be practically kinky.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:22 PM
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Even the liberal New Republic approves handjobs!


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:27 PM
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What is the deal with non-erotic co-showering? Maybe this is getting off-topic, but I've never understood why guys want to get in the shower together and not fool around. Do they really enjoy the process of washing people so much?


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:29 PM
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Getting back to the original question, I don't think I've gotten any sex advice, but the closest thing was a guy in college who said, "You haven't munched rug until you've munched rug with chunks."

My apologies.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:29 PM
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What is the reach-around (the height of politeness), if not a handjob?


Posted by: ed bowlinger | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:29 PM
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204: What the fuck does the mean? I leave you the right not to answer.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:31 PM
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"the" s/b "that"


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:31 PM
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I'm not precisely sure either, but I think that we can agree that Ogged has performed the almost superhuman feat of lowering the tone of the thread.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:32 PM
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203: It's because you're the special person they can hang out with in places where they can't even hang out with their best friend or their mom.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:33 PM
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I have no idea either, but I think it means his friend's preference is for women with severe and painful venereal diseases.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:34 PM
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Addendum to 209: Though I never miss a chance to wash a pair of boobs. If that doesn't count as fooling around, then yes, yes we do enjoy washing people that much.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:34 PM
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Though I never miss a chance to wash a pair of boobs.

There's a shortage of male nurses in our society, and I think you've got what it takes for a career in nursing and/or elder care.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:35 PM
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209: So it's like an intimacy thing? And I'm spoiling it by wanting to fool around? Seems like a test of some kind.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:35 PM
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The key with rug-munches is to pinch at the top and pull, like you're removing those spiny and inedible interior artichoke leaves.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:36 PM
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Standpipe: Now with added artichoke fetish!


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:37 PM
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200.1 is right, actually.

203: What is the deal with non-erotic co-showering?

There's no such thing. Non-sexual co-showering is still erotic, but in a restrained, playful, innocent sort of way.

Plus, those who've had bad experiences with fooling around and/or screwing in the shower will be leery of the whole setting.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:37 PM
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Seems like a test of some kind.

You is crazy.*

*Not an expression of hatred.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:37 PM
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I like co-showering but find the prospect of actually getting it on in any serious way a little alarming in our small and slippery shower.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:37 PM
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What is the deal with non-erotic co-showering?
Intimacy. Visual stimulation. Water conservation.

on preview: yes, intimacy.


Posted by: guilty | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:38 PM
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Plus, those who've had bad experiences with fooling around and/or screwing in the shower will be leery of the whole setting.

That's where handjobs come in!


Posted by: guilty | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:39 PM
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217: I'm just trolling a little.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:40 PM
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213: Not a test. If you can get into a bed with someone without having sex, you can probably get into the shower with them without having sex. (If you can't, you're probably at the stage in the relationship where it's all doin' it all the time, and bless you.) There is room for pleasant snuggling in the bed and for light soapy play in the shower.

You should not get on the toilet with someone at the same time.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:41 PM
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Another showerer, who feels the preceding answers have captured the gist of it.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:42 PM
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A friend of mine, whose identity I will not disclose, is not really comfortable with people making fun of his/her artichoke fetish. He/she is considering commenting under a new persona. Just FYI.


Posted by: Storebought Cheesecake | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:43 PM
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You should not get on the toilet with someone at the same time.

But it's fine to try to pee between someone's legs while they're sitting on the toilet. But only if you yell "I'm dorky peeing!"


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:43 PM
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But it's fine to try to pee between someone's legs while they're sitting on the toilet.

Only when they're on the toilet? You prude.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:44 PM
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Our shower is too small for anything sexual, so we'd have to rinse and towel off if we started fooling around. Too much of a break in the action; better just to delight in the visuals.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:45 PM
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Is this the time to tell the fable of the college acquaintance who sat on his hand, so as to render said hand asleep, so as to simulate hand-job peformance by a hand not belonging to himself?

No, it's the time to tell the fable of the roommate who ate only tuna.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:46 PM
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But it's fine to try to pee between someone's legs

Try? We all pee between someone's legs.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:46 PM
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Co-bathing I understand very well. My ex Max had a huge claw-foot tub that we both fit in very comfortably. Sometimes we'd get a couple of beers and sit in a hot tub for like an hour and have really interesting conversations about our work. I miss that, actually.

Co-showering doesn't really allow for that kind of leisure.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:46 PM
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224 is a funny comment!


Posted by: James K. Polk | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:47 PM
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You should take up a career of endless drudgery. Then you'll have no problem with co-showering.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:47 PM
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228.1 was in a bad teen movie of some kind.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:48 PM
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"I'm dorky peeing!"

It's dorky peeing that necessitated the swirly regime.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:51 PM
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I've heard references to The Stranger at least a couple times from friends.

I don't think any of them had found success with it though.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:51 PM
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You're not doing it right unless you get the existential despair.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:54 PM
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233: actually, I stole it from The Conversation


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:54 PM
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And shoot people without understanding why.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:55 PM
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I don't get all the hating on handjobs. When they're good, they're very good -- and not at all the same as the DIY version.

Or see 46.


Posted by: ra/poli | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:57 PM
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I like sex. Not that I ever get any ('m like a fucking camel in the desert). Never really received any advice either, except from exes after the fact. Wanted to be like, you know, the sex probably would have been better if i had known this while we were dating. But c'est la vie, right?


Posted by: tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:58 PM
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239: Agreed. It feels different when you get it from someone else. At least, it feels different for me.


Posted by: tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:58 PM
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I'm fascinated by dorky-peeing. Would you have to climb on something to get an angle?


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 2:59 PM
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I don't know, text, I just made it up, you perv.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:00 PM
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237: This would be an awesome way to appeal to the masses while also making yourself superior. "Anchorman? What's that? No, I was quoting The Seventh Seal. You don't know Bergman?"


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:02 PM
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dorky-peeing is a perfectly natural expression of love and bladder-fulness.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:02 PM
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Then explain the carpet-chewing chunks, so that I'm not visualizing "the Hoff."


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:02 PM
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I've received numerous types of bad advice in other areas of my life--job hunting, most notoriously--but not so much with sex. I'm not counting in-bed instructions from my ex-wife, who was trying to overlook the fact that we really weren't into each other as much by that point in the hope that specific techniques would fill in the breach, as it were.


Posted by: Halloween Jack | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:03 PM
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Then explain the carpet-chewing chunks

I'm not sure I would like where that would take us.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:04 PM
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This would be an awesome way to appeal to the masses while also making yourself superior.

Right, but what if I've never seen The Conversation? Then you just got dorky-peed, is what I think.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:05 PM
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I think the possibility that the person typing these words is endongenated is rescued

Women are endongenous. Men are exdongenous.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:08 PM
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249: I should clarify that this only works if you're trying to smooth-talk her into eating a pizza while giving you a blow-job.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:08 PM
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"Come on, honey, they did it in La Strada"


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:11 PM
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I enjoyed the bumper-cars scene in Mouchette.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:16 PM
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I take all my bad sex advice from that metal-toothed honey in Belle de Jour.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:17 PM
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When my brother-in-law was first visiting after the engagement was announced, he walked in on my brother watching Last Tango in Paris. As soon as he entered the living room, my brother got up and left.

To this day we're not sure if the issue was interrupted masturbation or new family-member awkwardness.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:20 PM
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The accident AWB's husband recently suffered is now explained.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:22 PM
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You're just supposed to scrape the top with your teeth, AWB.


Posted by: Bave Dee | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:22 PM
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255: Hee. I had a rather penetration-averse (but pro-fooling-around) boyfriend in college, a rather odd guy altogether, who wanted to rent LTIP because he'd vaguely heard it was "really hot." So we rented it, thinking it was going to be all, like, lite-erotic and stuff. By the end of the film, he had fallen asleep, I think out of avoidance of teh actual sex, and I realized we had to break up.

Oh, and when I was moving into my first post-college apartment, my mom and dad came up to help me move. My mom and I kept going out to buy this or that, and every time we came back, we could see my dad watching Blue Velvet through the window, which he'd turn off, pretending to have fallen asleep to TV static, each time. At some point, mom and I just stayed out long enough to give him time to finish the movie.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:34 PM
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A friend of mine watched Basic Instinct with his mom, in the theater, when he was 11 or 12. I'm pretty sure I would have had to leave home.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:45 PM
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255: Member!


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:49 PM
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Okay, so few people have received much sex advice. Makes sense, but now the blog's dead. What's the worst advice you've ever received?

I'd have to say "Mayonnaise" still ranks pretty highly for me, considering the context in which it was given, but there are at least other contenders. I've recevied some pretty terrible advice on this blog, even. I've been on LB's stupid "no fluids but beer and coffee" plan for a few months now, and while it hasn't been as bad as I expected, it's done some rather interesting things to my urine. And I don't like my urine to be interesting. I've also been trying to follow Apo's 4-hour-a-night plan, although while my determination is strong I confess I've faltered here and there. Even so, all those extra waking hours have quite amazingly multiplied my daily productivity by at least 50%, just as Apo promised. Then of course there's Emerson's "no-relationship" policy, which has been absolute hell on my marriage.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:52 PM
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I just tried dorky-peeing and now the security guard isn't my friend.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:54 PM
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261: Sounds like someone needs to try my patented "mixing uppers and downers" plan.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 3:58 PM
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AWB, aren't your parents Bible-belty? That makes Blue Velvet story very, very interesting. Coming home and finding your conservative dad watching porn is a cliche. To me, changing "porn" to "David Lynch" makes it much more, I don't know, patriotic.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:04 PM
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My Bible-belty mom made me stop watching Twin Peaks in 8th grade after the Bob killing Maddy episode. About a year later I discovered the videotapes on which she'd recorded all the rest of the episodes to watch when I wasn't there.

Not that Twin Peaks has as much porn value as Blue Velvet.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:19 PM
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I had one boyfriend with whom I showered often, and washing each other's hair was quite pleasant in a non-sexual/erotic kind of way. I must have lost a lot of patience since those days, though, because I think that much time in the shower would drive me crazy now.


Posted by: cerebrocrat | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:19 PM
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259: With the same brother-in-law, on the same introductory visit, we watched Requiem for a Dream with my mother. After about half an hour everyone was super-uncomfortable, but no one could ask to turn it off because of the artsy cred. After the final sex scene, everyone pretty much wanted to die.

260: ?


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:33 PM
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Just a feeble pun on "family member" and member=penis. Interrupted masturbation or new family member: either way, cock.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:35 PM
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Howcome there hasn't been any showering at the meetups? I had a roommate who was in grad school whose stories would end with "and then all the first-years wound up in so-and-so's shower."


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:38 PM
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Alive! They were alive!


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:38 PM
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When they entered the shower, sure.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:39 PM
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Either way: good times!


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:39 PM
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You can never really wash your own back properly.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:42 PM
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Oh, and bringing together the Bible belt and bad sex advice themes: fisting as an act of faith.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:49 PM
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274: w-lfs-n pwned.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 4:59 PM
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I should've knowned.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 5:05 PM
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The woman I have been dating for the past couple of weeks has recently taken to spending every night at my apartment. This morning, after she had gone into the bathroom, I knocked and asked if I could take a shower too, primarily because I was interested in shower sex. She said sure.

We ended up washing ourselves and talking. It seemed surprisingly comfortable despite being contrary to my initial intent.

I think that I have successfully convinced myself that this was a sign of intimacy rather than a debilitating lack of effective communication.


Posted by: Millard Fillmore | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 5:27 PM
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What's the worst advice I have ever acted on?
If the woman you love was sexually abused as a young teen and as a result is seriously freaked out by any physical intimacy, even kissing, then you should be very patient and supportive and give her lots of room, and over the course of time her wounds will heal, she will come to trust you, and she'll become a happy and sexually confident lover.

I should have stuck with Mid-East Peace Talks.


Posted by: jimmy carter | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 6:05 PM
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I need a song with a really good Springsteen scream*. Like, the song where Springsteen jumped the shark.

Can anyone help me out?

* It should be noted that I'm looking for more of a Springsteen holler than a scream, if that distinction helps you.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 7:23 PM
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The Backstreets from, I think, Darkness on the Edge of Town


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 7:26 PM
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"be yourself and it will happen naturally"

and basically all advice that is relevant to fixing the giver's natural tendancies towards unattractive qualities, and not mine.


Posted by: yoyo | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 7:28 PM
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No, sorry, it's on Born to Run


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 7:29 PM
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"Older brother Geebie: Be careful at parties. If you sit on a guy's lap, he can have sex with you.
Lil Heebie: Through your pants?!?!?
Old G: You're wearing a skirt.
Lil H: Oh...what about your underpants?
Old G: You're not wearing any underpants.
Lil H: Oh...

I was left with the impression that I might not notice if it happened. Beware! "

lololol

i thougth this for several years

i thought the scene in back to the future III at the dance was maybe a rape, but i wasn't sure and didn't know who to ask

i thought it odd that "sluts" (in my mind at the time, anyone who went to a bar, my knowledge of which was entirely from beer commercials on sports tv) wore leather skirts, since this seemed to make having sex much more difficult


Posted by: yoyo | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 7:31 PM
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It's perfect. I actually have several hollers to choose from, and an adorable little yelp at 4:34.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 7:31 PM
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Very glad to help. He sounds a little like a cat in heat at the end. Now I'm going to listen to that CD.


Posted by: text | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 7:33 PM
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Handjobs are also good if one's pretty convinced the person has the herp, but you really want to get off, because she's really sexy.


Posted by: Chimperator | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 7:49 PM
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278: Ow.


Posted by: Nbarnes | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 8:36 PM
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278: I certainly understand your wanting to believe it, but it would be hard to forgive someone who gave that advice as confidently as you report it.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 9:18 PM
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I can't believe all the men talking down hand jobs here. Granted, not one in ten women knows how to do them well, but they can be absolutely fantastic. There's a kinky thrill to being so completely in her hands.

This is probably another example of the sexist anti-male double standard here. Women love receiving good hand jobs, why wouldn't men?


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 9:22 PM
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289: Women love receiving good hand jobs, why wouldn't men?
I don't think I've ever gotten a good handjob.


Posted by: alameida | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 11:35 PM
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Husband X: bad hands!


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 08-14-07 11:36 PM
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Maybe coincidence, but the two doctors I've gotten handjobs from were very good at it. Good hands.


Posted by: Nell Arthur | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:41 AM
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I think your problem with handjobs is circumcision. Much easier to wank an uncirc'ed cock, none of this faffing about with lube: you have a *foreskin* to play with! Which moves!

Hilarious thread by the way - thank you to all of you who have toiled through the night for my amusement.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:14 AM
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259, 267: Clearly the subject of this thread should be, "the most embarrassing movie we ever watched in the company of our own mothers."

I admit that I watched Election with my mother, which was probably the most uncomfortable two hours I've ever spent in a theater. She spent most of the movie cackling, really loudly.


Posted by: arthegall | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:33 AM
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Watching The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, which is not in itself embarrassing, my teenage brother suddenly blurted out, "Clint is the sexiest man on earth!"


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:39 AM
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293: Good lord yes.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:50 AM
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264: Yes, they are. They are very interesting people, especially when it comes to movies.

My mom is especially weird because sometimes she's really in the mood to be offended by content, and anything will set her off, even network television. But when I was in high school, she'd recommend all these books like Portnoy's Complaint. I got to the "Cunt Trouble" chapter and finally said, "Mom, you didn't read this book, did you?"


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 5:20 AM
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294: There was the time my entire family went to see Bad Santa.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 5:22 AM
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I don't think I've ever gotten a good handjob.

But if you had, you would have loved it.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 6:23 AM
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300!

You can see the funniest things on Flickr.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 6:29 AM
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I think your problem with handjobs is circumcision. Much easier to wank an uncirc'ed cock, none of this faffing about with lube: you have a *foreskin* to play with! Which moves!

Wrong, I can't get one because I'm the only one who can give one to myself without rolling back the foreskin and causing intense pain. I believe the condition is known as "phimosis". Actual sex is possible but requires a condom.


Posted by: Millard Fillmore #1 | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 7:20 AM
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Ah, sorry to hear that Millard. At least AWB can't blame herself for that one though!


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 7:30 AM
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In our largely-circumcised continent, the treatment of phimosis is usuallly circumcision itself. Wikipedia has a couple of illustrations of the condition.

Naturally, there are people who are highly resistant to that solution, particularly in Germany. They favor topical steriod ointment. It seems like the phimositic aren't getting benefits of having a foreskin anyway, and may never have. I'm so conservative by nature I know that's what I'd try first, even though I know nothing of these benefits.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 7:56 AM
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What is Apo's "four-hours-a-night plan"?


Posted by: Penny | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:01 AM
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I have searched the archives.


Posted by: Penny | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:03 AM
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'Tis true about the Germans, though I know two who've had circumcisions in adulthood to treat phimosis.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:05 AM
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I know of one British adult who had it done for similar reasons. Cue much mocking from his mates who insisted on having a look at the post-operative 'carnage'. I gather it can be quite a painful process.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:11 AM
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304-305

didn't he recently acquire a newborn?
my guess is that it is a reference to neonatally-induced sleep-deprivation.


Posted by: kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:11 AM
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I gather it can be quite a painful process.

I would assume so. And quite embarrassing to take off work for the recuperation period, or to walk around with the crotch submerged in ice packs for weeks, or whatever it takes.

I'll have to do it eventually.


Posted by: Millard Fillmore #1 | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:23 AM
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Although Millard Fillmore is obviously fun as the silliest Presidential name, if I remember correctly both Charley Carp and are related/connected to him. Doesn't mean we'd exert any kind of proprietary interest in its use; that would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:27 AM
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Not had the adult circumcision op, but have had a biopsy of the cock [for suspected* cancer of same]. That stung a bit.

* but actually erroneously diagnosed.


Posted by: George Washington | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:28 AM
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The worst non-sex advice? Probably similar to the advice Sally Bowles gives Fritz about how to make virgins fall in love with you. It didn't work for me. After that I decided to only take dating advice from women.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:32 AM
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My mom saw "Stealing Heaven", a soft-core Abelard/Heloise story, and decided that she had to share it with my friends and me. There was a whole "it's a beautiful love story, so why shouldn't you see the sex" breast fondled vs. breast stabbed justification for it, too. Still, not entirely comfortable.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:32 AM
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I watched "Pret-a-Porter / Ready To Wear" with my parents and sister when I was about 12 and she was 7. I was baffled by all the women parading around naked toward the end. My sister wasn't paying attention.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:36 AM
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310 was me.

My wife's uncle, a German Jew born in the brave, new, unsuperstitious 20th Century, was not circumcised at birth. After the war, as an American, he had it done. On adults it's done freehand, not with the bell-shaped thimble thing doctors use on infants in this country. This came out in discussions at my son's bris. Mohels use a neat, effective device that produces very clean results—this is where an awake apo would insert a link to the infection-by-mouth story—I saw some quite old examples at the Museum of European Jewry in Paris.

I noticed the scarring as a kid, but had no idea what it was from, as I had never heard of the operation nor seen anyone who hadn't had it.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:40 AM
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Am I the only person who brought his kids to see "Looking for Mr. GoodBar"?

My mom brought my brother and me to see Fast Times at Ridgemont High, not knowing what it was about. Very awkward.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:43 AM
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Friend who had it was instructed to stay away from anything that could stimulate erection for the first two weeks of the healing process. He and his wife slept in separate beds for a good while.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:47 AM
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Ah, so I should get it done while I still live by myself rather than with a woman.


Posted by: Millard Fillmore #1 | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:51 AM
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Friend who had it was instructed to stay away from anything that could stimulate erection for the first two weeks of the healing process. He and his wife slept in separate beds for a good while.

Not quite an oxymoron, but close.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 8:54 AM
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They hadn't been married very long.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 9:05 AM
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What is Apo's "four-hours-a-night plan"?

That's how much he sleeps.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 9:06 AM
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321: I imagine Penny is disappointed with this answer.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 9:21 AM
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Disappointingly, I'm not disappointed at all; I had hoped Apo had found a secret way to stay sane and productive on 4 hours of sleep.
I thought if it wasn't that, it'd be something good anyway.


Posted by: Penny | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 9:50 AM
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Apo had found a secret way to stay sane

What on earth would make you think that was likely?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 11:15 AM
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278: Mr. Carter, based on your experience, what advice would you give to someone in a similar situation?


Posted by: Walter Mondale | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 12:48 PM
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325--
Well, Walter--may I call you Walter?--I'm glad you asked me that. But I certainly can't say I know how to answer it.

Luckily, we have a large audience of knowledgeable readers, who should be able to answer it from the resources of their own wisdom. Suggestions, ladies and gentlemen?


Posted by: jimmy carter | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 12:55 PM
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326--
uh...
get used to lusting in your heart?


Posted by: kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 12:59 PM
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You can't fix someone's intimacy issues. They have to fix their intimacy issues, preferably with the help of a professional. And they probably won't get professional help if you're in a relationship, because it's embarrassing for them. (If you can get them to go while you're together, do, but you probably can't.) You are not going to "teach" her not to fear you, and anything you do to try to teach her that will only scare her more and possibly be emotionally scarring.

There is zero chance that someone with deep-level sexual intimacy fears could ever really be therapy-level honest with someone they perceive as wanting sex they fear they can't give, because it puts them in exactly the same situation they were in with whoever molested/raped them. You do not want to be that person, so don't be. Love them enough to give them time to decide what they want on their own. In the meanwhile, I'd recommend seeing other people.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:04 PM
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I think the answer to all these questions about how to fix one's partner is to be found in the Dylan lyrics thread.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:08 PM
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it puts them in exactly the same situation they were in with whoever molested/raped them

Could you expand on this? I sense I don't fully understand this part, and I very much want to.


Posted by: Walter Mondale | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:23 PM
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330: In terms of the sense of exposure, vulnerability and powerlessness.

Also note that 328.2 is equally true of people who are superficially hyper-sexualized as a result of past abuse.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:27 PM
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328--
Thanks. That sounds like good advice, well-intended. Except. Did I tell you that Rosalynn and I have been married for five years now, and have a child? So it's not quite so simple as "seeing other people".


Posted by: jimmy carter | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:28 PM
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Book plug. Doesn't deal with abuse at all, but still may give her (and you) a new way of thinking about things.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:32 PM
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Children who are abused are usually taken advantage of by someone they love and want to make happy. They tend to be very empathetic kids who pick up on adults' desires and perceived suffering. (That is, predators will seek this kind of kid out for that reason.) With you, a partner who has been abused or taken advantage of will usually feel terribly conflicted because she wants to make you feel happy, and she'll pick up on what it is you want from her, even if it's not something she wants or that scares her. You're not getting what you want from the relationship sexually, and even if you frame it as a question of her pleasure, she will probably push herself to go further with you than she's really capable of without doing self-harm.

I went through this with the ex (so recently mentioned in the other thread) who had clearly been sexually abused---he was fine in bed most of the time, but then we'd do something in a particular way and he would get very scared. I'd try to get him to see how not-scary it was, and he'd try to go along with it, (I realize now) to please me rather than because he wanted to do it. Afterward, he'd go through bouts of violent self-harm and me-harm. Whatever it was that I was doing and that he was consenting to was following a pattern of pressured consent that he'd experienced at some point before. And there was no way that any amount of caring, nurturing, loving, careful sex (or even talking to me about it) was going to keep him from participating in things that made him relive whatever fear he had from his childhood.

You cannot fix her. You can only hurt her more. Get her help, seriously.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:34 PM
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I say this for your happiness, too, MF. It took about five years for the tremendous guilt I felt to start ebbing away. I did not do anything outside the boundaries of consent, of course, but his consent was fundamentally meaningless. All he knew how to do was give consent, because he didn't want to lose my love.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:38 PM
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don't listen to 333.
if she has trouble with the regular stuff, she is *definitely* not going to go for using weird appliances like book plugs.

('you want to put that *where*?'
'just between the pages, that's all.'
'oh, that'll leave a mark.')


Posted by: kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:39 PM
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334, 335

Thanks, White Bear. (Though I don't know who "MF" is.) It helps to have someone else say that there's nothing I can do, directly. Yeah, I have tried to get her to get help, over the years. There are always many reasons not to, starting with lack of money.

Thing is: I love her. Thing is: my advice to Walter Mondale would be, if you love her, and you can face a life without much sex and with no sexual passion, then it may be okay. But don't fool yourself that it's going to change. Face the bargain up front.

If I'd known then what I know now...I think I would still have done it. I think.

Oh--and kid bitzer, fuck off, okay? I mean, I know it's your schtick and all, but there's a reason that people go presidential, and that's cause it hurts.


Posted by: jimmy carter | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:49 PM
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Jimmy -- I've got no help on the specific advice, but I do think that maybe you need to spend some time thinking about exactly what the problem is. Is it "how can she be happy within the constraints of her history and her reactions to it", or is it "how can you have a satisfying sex life within your marriage given those constraints"? I mean, I figure she needs therapy regardless, but the latter problem, while a totally legitimate one to think about, may not be soluble -- there may not be someplace she can get to, even with therapy, that will make you happy. If that's the case, I think you need to figure out explicitly what is non-negotiable for you, and where different things that both seem non-negotiable conflict, which one's going to give.

To put it another way, the premises of the question assume that what you want is a happily satisfying sex life within your marriage. While I don't know specifically what therapy can do for Rosalynn, it seems that that may not be an option, leaving you with the options of not having a satisfying sex life, leaving the marriage, or developing a sex life outside the marriage (with or without Rosalynn's knowledge and consent. These seem like the sort of options you should decide between deliberately and consciously, rather than drifting into.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:53 PM
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Sorry, it was Walter Mondale who was asking, not Millard Fillmore. I can't keep pseud-pseuds straight. And I meant to say JC too.

And that's right, I think, JC; if you want to stay in the relationship and professional help is, for whatever reason, not an option, I think the only thing you can do is be happy to have a loving, affectionate, kind, empathetic partner who cares about you, and, if possible, talk about getting sex outside the relationship. She may even be relieved.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:53 PM
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I'd say that one doesn't have to assume that marriage requires fidelity except that I think in cases where what's at stake is someone's sense of safety and fear of saying no, it does.

I also think that learning to just accept people as they are and love them without pressuring them, even gently, to change is a difficult and noble thing to do. In principle I've always believed this; in practice, it's something I'm learning pretty late in life, I think.

All of which is merely to say that Jimmy has my mad respect.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:56 PM
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umm...mumbling chastened apology.
sorry.


Posted by: kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:57 PM
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Likewise to 340; I'm looking back at my 338 and it sounds unsympathetic, somehow, which it wasn't meant to be.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:58 PM
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337: Though some of the details differ, I find myself in essentially the same situation as you, and have accepted the same bargain. I haven't given up hope that things will change, but I have accepted the very real possibility that they won't.


Posted by: Walter Mondale | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 1:59 PM
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I don't think 338 or 339 are unsympathetic, but I do think that the potentially disastrous consequences of her finding out if you go elsewhere for sex would be crueler than a clear divorce.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:01 PM
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BithcPhD's 340.1 is exactly right, unfortunately. She also has huge fidelity issues, as a result of a philandering dad. So that would be about the cruelest kind of betrayal I could inflict on her.

But thanks for sympathy.


Posted by: jimmy carter | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:01 PM
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I do want to reemphasize that hoping things will change, if it involves the repeated (however gentle) re-introduction of sex acts that she can't handle, will only make the situation worse for both of you. The only way anything might ever change at all is if a non-sexual, professional, third-party person, i.e. a therapist, is able to talk to her honestly about what's going on.

I know therapy is expensive, but this is a case in which you're investing in the relief of what can only be extreme emotional distress for two people who love each other a great deal. Making excuses about getting into therapy is often a form of denial. I understand there is such a thing as poverty, but this is a serious health issue.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:05 PM
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Yeah, I didn't mean to be pushing the infidelity route, which I do generally disapprove of. Just trying to put out all the possibilities -- I think you're (both of you) better off having considered and rejected them then not having explicitly considered them. (Not to imply that you haven't been thinking about this before talking about it here.)

Um, a thought. Given that the two of you have similar problems, is there some way to work out an exchange of anonymous email addresses? If I were either of you, I'd think the other one might be useful for advice or informed commisseration at a level you might not want to get into in public. But I don't know if you'd want to do that.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:08 PM
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And, yeah, I guess I take back the open relationship thing. In my case, that would have pretty much killed my boyfriend as sure as if I'd shot him myself. But I didn't know if perhaps these partners were more comfortable with their situation, or at least less suicidal.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:08 PM
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I put in the Schn/rch book plug because it helped me understand my responsibility for my part in my troubled marriage, which had some commonalities with yours (though not as severe). Obviously, the asshole who delivered the abuse has a great deal of culpability here, but within your relationship, it's unhelpful but very easy to assume the roles of The One With The Problem and The One Without The Problem.

Trust me, I'm not saying "You're fucking her up" -- far from it. Just that there's a reason that you found yourself with her, and there are reciprocal elements to the dance the two of you find yourselves in.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:09 PM
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There are also free support and discussion groups for victims of rape and incest, pretty much everywhere.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:11 PM
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Wrongshore, you linked to the book on Amazon, and then googleproofed the name of the author? You, sir, are a weirdo.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:11 PM
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347
I don't intend any disrespect to my former Vice-President, but, no, that does not sound terribly helpful to me.

Probably local therapy would do more for me than email complaining with another guy in the same boat.


Posted by: jimmy carter | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:12 PM
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W/irdo, if you please.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:14 PM
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I second the Schn/rch that Wr/ngsh/re recommended in 333.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:17 PM
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352: I quite agree, Mr. President.


Posted by: Walter Mondale | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:20 PM
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But thanks for the suggestion, LB.


Posted by: Walter Mondale | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:21 PM
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And thanks to all who have offered suggestions and advice.


Posted by: Walter Mondale | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:25 PM
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Some psychologists can be extremely responsive to clients who need to pay on a sliding scale and/or would like to barter for their services.

I'm actually not talking here about community mental-health organizations, which are often way underfunded, but about late-in-life or even semi-retired professionals who still see a limited number of patients and have the luxury to decide for themselves who they will work with and how many hours they will work.


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:31 PM
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I third the book recommendation.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:33 PM
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If either Mondale or Carter happen to be in Seattle, I know an excellent therapist there, fwiw.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:36 PM
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And I know JC and WM are not planning to leave the relationship, but I do recommend, if possible, therapy to people who have been in long-term relationships with sexually abused people. I know it doesn't sound like it the way I talk around here, but I will spend the rest of my life seeing my libido as a loaded gun, asking partners "Is this okay? What do you want? Are you comfortable?" Dudes are not used, I think, to being asked for consent. But God, that feeling of having unwittingly pressured someone, whether it was my 20-year-old fault or not, really doesn't stop being scary.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:39 PM
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B, when did you read it?

Therapy for everybody! I know a good one in Philly. Which is too bad, since I live in Los Angeles.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 08-15-07 2:46 PM
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