And there used to be those days when I would wake up to discover I had drunkenly written really embarrassing blog posts in the middle of the night. Don't you hate that?
I was going to write about being covered with my own vomit (decades ago), but I can't match you guys.
Yeah, DNA tested. All mine.
We used to do this a lot on acid. Somewhere around here I have a mini-cassette tape that has me and a friend who comments here but who shall go unnamed discussing our brilliant conclusion that snack foods were a conspiracy between the paper and seasoning industries. It helps me not do drugs anymore.
I like 'pudding is rounder than love'.
Is this that different from Naked Twister?
Or, for that matter, regular Twister?
It goes without saying that we're all pulling for you rooting for you hoping it goes well, teo.
Go Teo!
I have a lot of drunken evenings from which I wake up and can't remember what I actually did and what I spent the whole night wishing I had the stones to do. Like last night, for example!
You know how when you're really drunk you'll have stupid thoughts that seem profound,
Stoned, yes. Drunk, never.
We used to do this a lot on acid.
The problem I had on acid was that I would forget the conclusions immediately after I had them. It took the amusement out of the morning-after humiliation.
I do remember making a playlist of music I wanted to listen to but then never putting it on, because all the important sounds were out there, man.
Ogged, I'm having trouble understanding how Twister + ??? = famous sex scenes. Is the idea that you'd have some kind of spinner and end up calling out, "Both hands: pottery wheel!" or something?
"pudding is rounder than love"
People laugh, but it totally is.
Smartest thing Ogged has ever said.
This item anticipates the dream, as an enabler for recreating the beach scene in From Here to Eternity.
Some of us live our lives never having the 'waking up' moment.
Don't pretend this hasn't happened to you.
It's true. I frequently play a Twister-like game that allows me to reenact famous movie sex scenes. For some reason the spinner always lands on Micky Rooney when it is my turn.
Some of us get laid regularly enough that we don't wake up and daydream about ridiculous games to help us get laid. Actually.
When I was 15, I woke up in the middle of the night with this phrase in my head:
"He wore the expression of consternation encountered only in a person found unconscious, pregnant, in a playground, with a helmet made of rice."
I still think it's great.
10: was there at least missing information that had you known it, you would have done things differently? i've recently found that this makes missed opportunities much more tolerable.
According to her recent report, I don't think "some of us" includes B. She's just trolling. I just don't understand people who troll like that.
21: Oh, come now. I bet you got laid more recently than I did, insatiable girl.
19 probably calls for some sort of biting, yes.
Wait, when the hell did everyone feel the need to rush to Ogged's defense on the "getting laid" front all of a sudden?
Fucking turncoats.
The RNC sent around a memo: no more ixnay-on-the-Ogged-bashing. We hear and obey.
I haven't gotten laid since June, B. I am a pathetic excuse for an insatiable girl.
22: Nah, he's just shy. Or so he keeps saying over and over. Being shy is an excuse for everything these days, it seems.
31: Yes, I heard him the first time, thank you, Mr. Wolfson.
"My client is shy, Your Honor. The charge should be reduced to manslaughter."
See, we are the least sexy people in the world, but we think about it all the time. Only I have figured that out. Even McManus is too conventional to follow me.
When I subscribed to Mother Jones, I was amazed at the sex aids they sold.
See, sex isn't liberating. It's reactionary. All y'all are liberated without knowing it.
How did you spend those three hours, Teo?
Last I heard you had to travel to Minnesota to get laid. Sort of like Appolonia in Purple Rain trekking up from boring old New Orleans to get herself a little action.
How did you spend those three hours, Teo?
It was basically a condensed version of Unfogged.
No one was funny and everyone complained about not getting laid?
Did you bring up the coot migration, or the pagan Lithuanian empire?
I did keep running out of things to say, though.
Being shy may not be an excuse for everything, but it certainly does make it harder to get laid. Of course, saying it over and over is usually just a sort of ineffectual way of saying "if you try a little harder to make out with me, you'd probably succeed." Of course, Mystery might describe this as LMR and thereby suggest the freeze-out, but I remain unconvinced.
It's too early in the day to drink to missed opportunities. But at least your crush is still in the country, no?
I think this gentleman is unaware of how lazy I've become in my pursuits. Seriously, if he's playing the shy card so I have to do all the work, I will gladly hit on other people.
That was your mistake, teo. Nothing makes the panties drop like coot migrations and pagan Lithuanian empires.
I'll keep that in mind for next time.
1) You know, saying exactly that might not be such a bad idea.
36 -- I can't be the only one who thought of Revenge of the Nerds reading your comment.
Later, nerds.
I dunno. I think some guys play the shy card because they like to enjoy having the right of refusal.
Also, AWB. If you were travelling somewhere and there was some guy that you probably shouldn't make out with but were inclined to do so anyway, and at the end of one drunken night quasi-deniably suggested that the two of you leave together but it didn't quite work out, and then you were going to be going home soon but coming back in a bit (month or two), when it would still be ill-advised to make out, would you want to get suggestive or even friendly emails from the guy in the interim, or no?
Friendly, yes. Maybe even warm! Why not? How ill-advised is this making out, exactly?
53: Well, sure. But I think that the marriage problem shows that the right of refusal is less valuable than the power to initiate, so they come out behind by doing so. Besides, aren't you always telling us that being rejected isn't the worst thing in the world?
Well, it depends on how you feel about "if it's more than N miles from home, it doesn't count" kinds of theories. IYKWIM.
57: Is it cheating, then, for either of you? I'd say ixnay on the emails, then, and just see what happens.
56: It's not the worst thing in the world. I just never know when I'm being expected to up the ante a tad and when I'm being strung along. After kinda-sorta rejecting my clumsy pass, he spent the whole night inches from me, then got all boring on the train home, and then when I gave him a hug at my stop, he gave a nice snuggly tug on my lower back. Is he attracted to me? I think so! Is he going to do anything about it other than use my attentions to feel good about himself? I don't think so!
AWB- so are you saying that you've been seeing this guy during this time and you haven't had sex since June?
I figure if the guy's crush on you is blatant enough for you to make fun of him for it, there's no percentage in him playing hard to get, right?
We are not seeing each other. I just keep inviting him to parties.
Is he attracted to me? I think so! Is he going to do anything about it other than use my attentions to feel good about himself? I don't think so!
Ugh. As someone who has been guilty of this is the past, you want nothing to do with it. Make a non-clumsy pass to see if that's what he's doing, then run away. That kind of shit doesn't need to be enabled.
Tell us more! Tell us more! Did she put up a fight?
Next date, you need to invite her out for drinks. It's time. You've had your coffee and lunch times together; nighttime plus alcohol will offer new possibilities.
Actually, there's not always next time.
Did you *try* to kiss her?
B is Bea Arthur's character in History of the World
Actually, there's not always next time.
I think Teo is saying that he believes in reincarnation.
Teo's going to be quite the lothario as a fruit-fly.
Next date, you need to invite her out for drinks.
This is, um, problematic.
I'm shy, but when someone signals clearly that they like me I know damn well to signal back.
My husband & I didn't kiss on our first date. He closed with "I'll see you around I guess" & I figured that was that until he talked to his roommate who talked to my roommate who talked to me. This is not an approach I'd recommend, though.
Is there going to be a next date?
I think so, yes.
Not sure what happened in 81. The second part is me, obviously.
She's 19, I bet -- the only place in which one needs the adverb "totally" to modify "legal."
I recommend writing to her father to ask permission to kiss her. If he replies, "You're going to do something to my little girl, but in time I will forgive and learn to love you," you're golden.
She's 19, I bet -- the only place in which one needs the adverb "totally" to modify "legal."
Not the only place...
She's a Mormon.
I hate it when that happens.
A legal-aged, non-Mormon with a mouth who you're going to see again. If you don't kiss her, you're gay.
87: I was thinking of just taking him out to Chili's.
78: Yeah, see, arg. Hm. Well, I am a total fuck-up. I am going to give up on this one now before I really embarrass myself or become cross and frustrated.
I'll kiss her at some point. I just haven't yet.
You live in NYC. Lots of new people around, no matter how demanding you are.
Not the only place...
Oh, she's a felon.
Oh, she's a felon.
No, but she has to go in to work early tomorrow because her coworker who was supposed to open is on the lam.
She's 19, I bet -- the only place in which one needs the adverb "totally" to modify "legal."
Not the only place...
Wait, she's your cousin?
I always think I'm having really profound thoughts when I'm drunk and walking home alone. Especially when it's cold outside. And I always think, it's so great that I'm alone right now! If I were with someone else right now, I totally wouldn't be having these totally really amazingly profound thoughts! I'm in this city and it's the middle of the night and here I am!
And then I wake up in the morning, and the profound thoughts are gone, and I'm by myself. Eh, tradeoffs.
Why are you being so coy, Teo? Is your way with women spreading to your way with us?
We just got back from Chili's. After shooting guns.
Ok, not Mormon, of age, has a mouth, but drinking is problematic. She's...imaginary?
in recovery? on antibiotics? Muslim?
Was wondering 102 also. You want to tell us, but only half?
obviously she ate what she thought was abalone, and teo couldn't kiss her after that.
The problem with Teo and The Girl going out for drinks might not lie with The Girl...
I just like making you guys guess. Shrub got it in 103b.
The problem with teo and The Girl going out for drinks is that The Girl lives in Chicago.
Scandalous! But you can appear all cool and worldly when you buy her beer now.
I find that my drunken dreams tend to finish unfinished conversations for me, so that I feel inappropriately satisfied with whatever lame things I did during the evening. I wake up feeling good about life, and then remember that all the good things were stuff I dreamed.
Last night, I had an extremely believable and satisfying dream that the boy and I spent the weekend in bed together. Then I woke up, remembered that my love-life is shit, and am now just frustrated and annoyed.
But you can appear all cool and worldly when you buy her beer now.
She doesn't drink. Apparently she overindulged when she was younger.
And there's no way I could appear cool and worldly to her. She's been around.
I feel bad for people who've already quit drinking when they're young. Make it last, people! Enjoy it!
117: I'm not sure if she's entirely quit drinking. But it seems like it.
118: No.
B is Bea Arthur's character in History of the World
I don't know the character, but anything Bea Arthur does is good by me. Therefore, thank you!
go to a restaurant--order a drink. problem solved.
Apparently she overindulged when she was younger. ... She's been around.
An ex-groupie from the 70s?
121 has it right. Even if she's not partaking, it sounds like you're going to need a little sauce to get things moving.
Now, now, everyone, don't rush the boy.
An ex-groupie from the 70s?
Who was sent on a secret round trip mission to Alpha Centauri at a large fraction of the speed of light, and is thus still only 18! Hopefully Gonerill won't get disappeared for bringing this to light.
go to a restaurant--order a drink. problem solved.
Yeah, this is a good solution.
Some black Chevy Suburbans just pulled up outside the house. (Which, incidentally, I found a series of photographs of on Google Maps' "Street View" the other day: that feature is a little weird.)
Even if she's not partaking, it sounds like you're going to need a little sauce to get things moving.
Definitely.
I'm bip II and before I got on a treatment program, I would wake up in the middle of the night two or three times a week with manic Jerry Mcquire-style revelations. Nothing quite as good as movie sex-scene Twister, though.
I'm not trying to rush anyone, B. I am just wary of any dating plan that includes the words "there's always next time."
Street View is a little creepy. Apparently the EU may require all faces in the images to be blurred out due to some "privacy" bullshit.
The google cameradriods are pretty systematic: I live downtown but on a small, quiet street that's relatively out of the way, but it's there in all its glory. From the look of the pictures they were taken fairly early in the morning in the middle of summer.
Then I woke up, remembered that my love-life is shit, and am now just frustrated and annoyed.
I have happy, no reflective-of-my-life dreams and wake up and I'm bummed. But I also have dreams where completely screwed up things. When I wake up from those, I'm pretty happy. Like 50/50, I think.
Lake Wobegon is relatively safe from The Man. The camera doesn't come closer than ~200 feet in the air.
134
s/b ...not reflective of my life, then...
s/b ...where completely screwed up things happen.
Oh shit -- Mineshaft? I sent that boy directions to a party tonight, where I'd probably be the only person he is more than a passing acquaintance of. But I'm also pretty sure I'm going to punk out and not go. Should I specify that I am not going to him? He didn't respond to my text, so he may not be planning to go either.
Should I specify that I am not going to him?
Yes.
I can't believe I bought this goddamn Ruinzhatova CD and I can't rip the last track.
Maybe I should just man up and go. That guy who was stalking me last year is on the evite as definitely coming. I saw him a few times this summer and have reason to believe he's on meds now (he's gained a lot of weight, is a lot calmer, etc.), but I'm still a little nervous.
I once woke up from a dream repeating : "there is more calcium in a kiwi than in a glass of milk." The phrase would not leave my head, it just kept repeating itself. I realized that a figure in my dream had whispered it to me and that it must have some significance, or prophetic quality. I'm still waiting for it to become relevant.
Although I have taken to eating more kiwis, and drinking less milk.
Shit, this is pretty scratched up for a new cd.
137
Sure, sounds easy enough. But if you forget, people should be able to handle situations like that.
One vote for man up and go. If nothing else you can use your stalker as a conversation starter with someone interesting.
142
If you don't want to go, don't go.
I am in love with a thing called the golden kiwi at present. Less tart, and has bright yellow flesh. Dee-lish.
Yeah, I think I'm going to make myself go. I don't think anyone I'm close to is going to be there, which makes me a bit paranoid. I will just tell myself that if I start having a bad time, I can always just come home.
149
Good. I was just using reverse psychology. Have fun.
Just say that you don't feel like putting your clothes on and invite him over.
Actually, I'm hoping he doesn't come. I can only handle one awkward evening like that per fortnight. Fucking green eyes, man.
I killed the blog again. Sorry, dudes.
It's pining for the fjords. I, on the other hand, am considering leaving the house so that I can maybe lay eyes on another human. But that seems so terribly ambitious.
I watched Inland Empire today. Getting out of the house would be good for my soul.
Haven't swam in a long time. Sounds like a good idea. Food first.
So, how do you explain Poland? I think I want to write something about this. (In I N L A N D E M P I R E.)
OT: I'm cutting off all my hair tonight. It's down to the middle of my back. It's time for it to go.
OK Britney. We'll be taking your kids away, though.
Britney's goings on have postponed this haircut past its rightful date by two months now. I need to forget about Britney and get on with it.
I've got the front in little ponytails ready to go. Before I do this thing, I'm going to give myself the mother of all mullets.
I've got the front in little ponytails ready to go. Before I do this thing, I'm going to give myself the mother of all mullets.
Pictures?
I'm not trying to rush anyone, B. I am just wary of any dating plan that includes the words "there's always next time."
Teo needs peer pressure!
I apparently woke up in a panic the other night insisting I had lost my hands, and would not believe shivbunny's reassurances until he told me to grab his hand, and then I found my hands again.
167 is so cute that it makes me want to go sit in a corner and sulk.
That's pretty scary, Cala. I was having all sorts of bizarre nightmares last year in the hospital. Most of them having to do with...surprise! people trying to steal my organs. Unpleasant.
Now Cala's just mocking you lonely single people.
Funny, I didn't even register the cute coupleyness of the story.
It does get better. After he let go, I drifted back to sleep and then I lost my hands again. Panic ensues, he calms me down again, then goes to get a glass of water "I'll be right back, don't lose your hands." Next day: "still have your hands?"
Ok, that's enough, Cala. Now back to pictures of Penny's mullet.
167 That is frightenening. Like those tooth dreams, what is that about?
How do I post to flikr for unfogged? I have an account, but not under a pseud.
You could just make a new flickr account under your pseud.
I have crunched-up tooth dreams whenever I'm really poor. And crowding rodent dreams when I'm anxious about family.
159: No fucking idea. He thinks Polish sounds creepy? I'm not sure Lynch is terribly deep.
How do I post to flikr for unfogged?
Right, you could either set up a pseudonymous account, or, I suppose, mail them to one of us to post for you if you don't want the hassle.
Ok Ogged, I'm mailing them to you. Here come the befores.
Ok, I have to step away for bit, looking forward to those pictures in my inbox...
They're from a different email address, but should show up under my name.
Ok, here goes, before the baby wakes up.
Ok, 1/2 the ponytails are gone. Emerson was right, all Canucks do look just like Geddy Lee. The extra hair just disguised it.
I'll try to get some good mullet shots without taking out all the back ponytails.
Damn! I didn't leave enough at the top to get really good mullet action. And without taking out the ponytails I just look - dorky, but not mullet-y, kind of mennonite-y gave herself a bad hair cut like. Apologies to mennonites.
Ok, it seems I don't actually have enough hair to do this mullet thing, and I'm not going to take the back tails out, because I won't be able to put them back in again properly, because I'm drunk.
Dammit, previewing the photos I have that crazed Britney look coming on already. Oh, ha ha ha, Emerson.
Let us know if the baby recognizes you.
Let us know if the baby recognizes you.
My dad (ichthyologist) was doing a lot of field work when I was a kid, and several times disappeared off to Peru, Pakistan, etc. for a bit. My parents say that he came back from one of those trips when I was two or so with a big scraggly beard, and when he came in the door I ran and hid.
If a tree loses its hands in the forest, does it make a sound?
I think if I ever start cutting my own hair I will have to do it when drunk, so I can have an excuse for the result.
Ok Penny, I got them and emailed you back with a question.
Just have the one, Emerson, but I'm sure the state will have him up for auction soon enough.
Drag me through the streets on a cart, but this is a bad haircut. I'm going to call it the "Unfit Mother". It sort of screams that. And "wearing a toque all winter", it screams that too.
My scalp feels great though.
Okay, so I went to the damn party. Left after half an hour out of claustrophobia, but I went!
The pics are now in the Unfogged Flickr pool.
who do i email to get entry? i emailed someone and nothing happend
Oh, wait, there are more! Stuck behind my spam filter...
Holy crap, Penny, you crazy woman, you cut off all that beautiful hair!
196: Feh! Also, while I appreciate 58.1, I decided that warm and friendly emails are their own reward, and anything else is a matter for another day.
And wow... that's quite the dramatic haircut. Not bad, though. A damn sight better than any I could give myself.
The one where she's holding up the snipped locks looks like it's from a horror movie; particularly with the bezel on the mirror making it look like her arm is double.
200, 201 Aak! Thanks, I was just getting over it!
It was heavy. And it's getting cold here, my baby hates the hair dryer, and the thought of wet hair in the morning all winter...or sleeping on wet hair.
I had planned to grow it long enough to make a wig out of it, and it was long enough. The pregnancy hormones helped it, I haven't gone grey yet, and today we frollicked in an actual freaking meadow. I thought, hair, you're not going to have a nicer day or be healther than this, time to go.
Uh, "we" meaning me and the kid, not me and the hair.
I'm just being sappy, and giving you a hard time. The new look is dramatic and actually pretty hot.
I have a friend who cut off a foot and a half of his hair not long ago in a similar way: suddenly but after he'd been stewing over it for a while.
He buried it out in the yard and felt great afterwards.
Congratulations, Penny. I wish I had the guts to cut mine (off), but I do not.
Ta, Ogged. Hope my partner's ok with it.
Yeah, you look good in the after pictures.
Tell him/her that you did it for some imaginary friends; that should smooth things over.
I have three pony tails in a jar somewhere.
Buried it in the yard? What was that about?
Better to wait 'til you have no qualms, Parsimon. Not like you can nail it back on.
Thanks for the support, people of Unfogged.
