Re: Larry Craig On The Brain

1

the second thing he discovered:

"And women pee louder than men do, even though we might expect not. Maybe it's just American women? I don't know."

now his shock at *that* fact strikes me as more suggestive evidence of...well, not having spent much previous time around women peeing, at any rate.


Posted by: kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 6:40 PM
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now his shock at *that* fact strikes me as more suggestive evidence of...well, not having spent much previous time around women peeing, at any rate.

Usually, people who have no experience of something are more likely to be surprised when encountering it.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 6:54 PM
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2--
ned, i didn't think i'd have to connect the dots here, esp. for you, but your response makes me think you're not getting it.

enjoying physical intimacy with women often leads to situations in which you hear women peeing. maybe through the bathroom door, maybe before you make love, maybe after, but, you know, anyone who has had a lover has probably heard their lover pee some time. so having a female lover increases your chances of having heard a woman pee.

as does--for christ sake--having a sister, you'd think. maybe he's just of the clueless orientation.


Posted by: kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 6:58 PM
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I come from a land where people close the bathroom door when they pee.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:00 PM
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Norway?


Posted by: el topo | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:02 PM
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He was on a late night chat show a week and a half ago (Jonathan Ross) and JR asked if he were single, adding that the women in the audience and the house band (4 Poofs and a Piano) wanted to know. JG made quite a palaver out of replying, eventaully saying (I paraphrase) that he was single for the women, but not for the gay men.

Fuck me, he's gorgeous though.

Which is why I was watching Jonathan Ross. I was very amused when watching that Jake was the first guest. Isn't there usually a convention that your top guest comes on last? So the order went Jake Gyllenhaal - Hollywood star, then Jools Holland who's turned 50 and written an autobiography, and then finally Jordan & Peter Andre. Class.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:04 PM
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I don't even have a bathroom door.


Posted by: neil | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:05 PM
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7--
look, we know already.
can't you at least *try* to pee quieter?


Posted by: kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:07 PM
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I'M SORRY, I CANNOT HEAR YOU OVER THE CASCADE OF MY OWN URINE.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:14 PM
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With my usual careful reading skills, I had to try and comprehend that paragraph quite a few times before I realized this was Jake Gyllenhaal, rather than Maggie.


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:17 PM
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I spent last ski season renting a basement. The bathroom was off my bedroom with no door. I think it's the style these days, but a groggily heard splash is a terrible thing.


Posted by: ptm | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:18 PM
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I love this song! Oh wait, that's Wrongshore peeing. Has a good beat though.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:19 PM
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Is it OK if the reason we can't close our bathroom door is that there's a bookshelf in the way?


Posted by: Not Prince Hamlet | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:20 PM
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And heebie, isn't Wrongshore a little young for prostate issues?


Posted by: Not Prince Hamlet | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:21 PM
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ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME? MY EARS ARE BURNING. I THINK IT'S MY EARS.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:24 PM
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You're never too young for prostate issues.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:24 PM
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Hopefully it's your ears.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:25 PM
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Has a good beat though

isn't Wrongshore a little young for prostate issues?

I'm not too old, but don't understand. Could I have this joke explained?


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:27 PM
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Don't prostate people stop and start when they pee?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:28 PM
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I was assuming that a decent rhythm would require some variation in the stream, as might be caused by prostate difficulties.


Posted by: Not Prince Hamlet | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:29 PM
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I've heard that Wrongshore's toilet bowl is made of crystal, and that's how he achieves such a rich sustaining timbre to his song.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:32 PM
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In the first part, I am peeing really loudly. It is so loud that Heebie thinks it is a song! But it is me peeing. Then someone implies that peeing loudly is evidence of a prostate problem, substituing "loudly" for "frequently". Then I had a nice bit linking the concepts of "burning", where the "ears are burning" of people talking about me implies the burning pee symptomatic of a venereal disease, or of being on fire.

I am available to do color commentary on all of your threads.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:32 PM
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20 - That, and some Charlie Parker in the background.


Posted by: ptm | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:32 PM
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22 wasn't really at all helpful, now that I look at 19 and 20.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:33 PM
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But 22 has a lovely "Marmaduke, explained" quality that both 19 and 20 lack.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:34 PM
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Do you know what sucks? Ever since I had PK, I finish peeing, wipe, stand up, and *have to pee again, just a tiny little bit*. I don't know why this is, but it's hella annoying.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:37 PM
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Thank you for your kind words. It would be fun to go through the archives and write little explanations that could be included in the link titles for every comment.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:38 PM
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26 - pelvic floor exercises?


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:40 PM
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29

Or duct tape.


Posted by: Not Prince Hamlet | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:41 PM
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30

B, did you see the picture of Penny's C-section scar Ogged put up on the Flickr page?


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:43 PM
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29 - dual purpose - contains pee and removes hair. Excellent.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:46 PM
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Ooh, no! Must look, thanks.

28: I guess. Mostly I just either sit back down or else figure, fuck it, and go ahead and pee in my pants a little. I figure it's no worse than the guys' few drops, since they don't use t.p.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:46 PM
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I see I've wandered into the TMI thread.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:49 PM
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33: I pooped in your car sorry.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:54 PM
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Do you know what sucks? Ever since I had PK, I finish peeing, wipe, stand up, and *have to pee again, just a tiny little bit*. I don't know why this is, but it's hella annoying.

Do you have a penis? This also happens to me.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 7:55 PM
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36

gswift wants more talk of Jake Gyllenhaal and less of women weeing.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:00 PM
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37

He's just that manly.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:00 PM
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35: Huh, so it isn't a childbirth thing. Good to know.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:00 PM
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With men I think it's often a prostate issue. That wouldn't apply to women, of course.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:02 PM
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40

With the lay-deez it's a prostrate issue.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:03 PM
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Incontinence due to aging, I'd say. But don't worry, drooling and senility don't come until at least a year or two later. Also, Depends.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:03 PM
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I figure it's no worse than the guys' few drops, since they don't use t.p.

Not at urinals, no. Sometimes while seated though.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:05 PM
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With the lay-deez it's a prostrate issue.

The only position for women at the Mineshaft is prone. Especially on the bathroom floor.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:05 PM
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Ignore these guys, B. Like urine off a duck's back.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:05 PM
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I have a feminist friend who argued that the male drip could be avoided by urinating in a sitting position (more efficient emptying of the bladder). So it's good to know that she was wrong about that, seeing as how I always ignored the sign in her bathroom and peed standing up.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:06 PM
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PK prefers to sit down and uses exactly one square of tp to dab the extra drops. Some day this will make him extremely popular with the ladies. Right now it makes him extremely popular with me.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:09 PM
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I always ignored the sign in her bathroom and peed standing up.

Signs like that have to be ignored as a matter of principle.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:10 PM
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PK prefers to sit down and uses exactly one square of tp to dab the extra drops.

When he starts using urinals he'll have to use his shirt like a real man.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:12 PM
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49

I assume that you boys clean the toilet, then?


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:12 PM
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At a urinal, you have to swing it around in circles a few times, kind of like a lasso. Diffuse pee doesn't really exist.

And now you're all banned.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:13 PM
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I have a feminist friend who argued that the male drip could be avoided by urinating in a sitting position

You have a feminist friend who hasn't thought through the anatomical question very well. It isn't a bladder issue, it's the fact that the urinary sphincter (if that's the term for it) is at the top of the penis. Think about a soda straw after you finish a drink. If you pull it out of the cup and lay it on the table, a couple drops are going to roll out of it later whether you dab the end with toilet paper or not.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:15 PM
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He was on a late night chat show a week and a half ago (Jonathan Ross) and JR asked if he were single

If he were really gay, wouldn't he be on Graham Norton instead?

Anyway, I've heard a woman pee before and I don't recall that she was noisier than I am. I conclude that Jake merely has a bad ear for pee.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:16 PM
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And now you're all banned.

What?!?!? The only analogy was h-g's comparison of B to a duck and our words to urine.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:16 PM
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54

Hence the classic verse, "No matter how you shake and dance / The last drop always falls in your pants."


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:16 PM
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Don't tell PK, he'll be totally traumatized.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:16 PM
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"No matter how you shake and dance / The last drop always falls in your pants."

I'd always heard "You can shake it, you can break it, you can bang it against the wall, but when you put it in your pants, the last drop will always fall."


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:18 PM
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"the top of the penis"?


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:18 PM
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55: Just get him some Sta-Free Peenie Pads.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:19 PM
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59

Whoa, now there's one of your less-cited SNL skits.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:20 PM
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"the top of the penis"?

Base?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:21 PM
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I wondered at first whether that "feminist friend" sounded apocryphal, not to question veracity, but some amazing stuff was heard back in the day, and all difference rankles for some.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:22 PM
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WHY DOES THE URINAL STILL EXIST

I SWEAR WE HAVEN'T ADVANCED AN INCH IN 35 YEARS


Posted by: OPINIONATED GRANDMA | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:24 PM
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The real question is, why don't women's public bathrooms have urinals yet, dammit?


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:24 PM
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Just get him some Sta-Free Peenie Pads

Or, if worse comes to worst, some "Oops, I Crapped My Pants" brand adult undergarments.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:25 PM
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And where are the tampon dispensers in the men's room? I mean, I'd like to at least have the OPTION.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:26 PM
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65: Yeah, really. All we have is that TERRIBLE tasting gum.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:30 PM
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67

Fuck the tampon dispensers--where is the furniture?


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:32 PM
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68

I piss on all of you. Also, the Red Sox. And for good measure, the Democrats of the world.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:32 PM
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I konw 66 is a hoary old chestnut, but I can't remember what the mistaken object is supposed to be. Condom from the dispenser, urinal cake, or my dick?


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:33 PM
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sorry, "konw" is short for "konichiwa"


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:34 PM
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Just heard on the Bachelor:

Bachelor to statuesque blonde: "Why are you single right now?"

Statuesque blonde: "Well, I'm really really picky"


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:34 PM
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Condom from the dispenser has spermicide in it, see?


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:36 PM
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This is the bitchiest Bachelor yet. Off the charts scheming and backstabbing among the women.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:38 PM
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urinal cake

The what? Oh, the complimentary breath mints, you mean.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:39 PM
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I wondered at first whether that "feminist friend" sounded apocryphal

Of all the improbable tales I tell around here, I woudn't have imagined that *that* one would trip someone's BS-detector.

Anyway, you can rest assured that said feminist friend exists. She is indoctrinating young school children as we speak. When I knew her, she was a history grad student living in a women's collective and acting in a French absurdist theater troupe. Her face was always my mental image of the Myrna Minkoff character in A Confederacy of Dunces


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:41 PM
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Speaking of gay Senators, how awesome is NC Senate candidate Jim Neal?


Posted by: Katherine | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 8:57 PM
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76: Indeed. Have sent him money already. Haven't yet received a thank-you note. Grandmas would be skeptical about his future prospects: "rude boy."


Posted by: anmik | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 10:25 PM
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Hope Solo, and her nose ring, just appeared on Sportscenter. Seems that Coach Ryan got canned. Vindication for Ogged.


Posted by: anmik | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 10:26 PM
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When you give up on Hope, what do you have left? Nothing! Nothing at all!


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 10:29 PM
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Crap. 77 should be "grandma," singular, as in mine, who has real doubts about anyone who doesn't send a thank-you note within 36 hours of receiving a gift (or cash contribution). Sorry. Now I'll return to my regularly scheduled lurkathon.


Posted by: anmik | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 10:30 PM
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we couldn't find a battery for our recording device so we ended up in a woman's bathroom

This strikes me as a profound non sequitur.


Posted by: slolernr | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 11:26 PM
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81: They were tactfully trying to borrow batteries from someone's... personal massager.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 11:44 PM
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83

Which would explain how Jake got introduced to the floor.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 11:45 PM
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Maybe the women's restroom was the location of the nearest outlet?


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 11:45 PM
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I don't even own a women's bathroom.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 11:49 PM
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Or a men's actually. I don't own any bathrooms.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 11:50 PM
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Well I don't even own a women's personal massager, so I unfortunately can't take part in the TV/microwave cookery conversation.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 11:51 PM
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I'm guessing gswift owns more bathrooms than anyone here. Speak up, bathroom owners of the world!


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 11:55 PM
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I own only bathrooms, televisions, and microwaves.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 10-22-07 11:56 PM
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I'm guessing gswift owns more bathrooms than anyone here.

I'm guessing there's too many well off lawyers for me to compete.

We have 1 3/4 bathrooms upstairs, and we're partway to another downstairs. We have a good sized laundry room/third bathroom down there that's unfinished. Just a laundry room for now.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 2:42 AM
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89: that's a bad strategy. Get into non-agri commodities and euro-denominated interest rate swaps.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 3:45 AM
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92

I pwn bathrooms all up and own the eastern seaboard.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 4:36 AM
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93

All of it? Even Cape Cod?


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 6:51 AM
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1 3/4

What is a three-quarter bath? Toilet and half a shower? Or is it one half bath and one quarter bath?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 7:09 AM
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95

WHO STOLE MY D?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 7:14 AM
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I have two and a half baths in what is basically a large one-bedroom apartment. I have no idea how this happened. I've filled the half bath with boxes, no idea what to do with the extra full bathroom. Except to use it to convince guests that I keep my bathroom cleaner than I in fact do.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 7:14 AM
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What is a three-quarter bath?

Toilet and shower. Toilet and shower and tub is a full bathroom.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 7:17 AM
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Also, if I had embarassing prescriptions I could keep them in the bathroom I use, while the extra "Potemkin" bathroom stays clean and anodyne. But of course I have no embarassing prescriptions...I suppose the closest would be the XXL Magnum condoms.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 7:18 AM
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95--
is that what happened?
i parsed your 92 as
re the bathrooms: i pwn them all up.
re the eastern seaboard: i own it.

i'm always giving you guys the benefit of the syntactical doubt, just working hard to get some plausible parsing.
dunno why i bother.


Posted by: kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 7:24 AM
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The concept of Jake's overwhelming hotness and a desperate horror at the thought it would be wasted on bathroom-cruising trolls like Larry Craig is a really unpleasant way to start the day.

I saw a headline on one of the locals at the gas station this morning regarding Neal but it was the first I'd heard of him; must research.


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 10-23-07 7:41 AM
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Kobe!


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 10-24-07 1:11 PM
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102

Aw crap.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 10-24-07 1:11 PM
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