Re: Opening Game

1

whatever you do, Becks, don't start with your opinion on Blade Runner.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:17 AM
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It depends on the setting. Bar, party, coffee shop, metro train are all completely different contexts. In a train you know that at some unspecified point one of you will have to get off the train. At a party you probably have some mutual acquaintance you can talk about. Coffee shops are quiet so you have to avoid disturbing everyone's comfortable slumber with pickup-artist antics. And so on.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:18 AM
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It depends what you're finding so attractive about that person. If they're just a pretty face, I find that a shy smile and eye contact will do a lot of work for you.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:24 AM
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4

so what is it?

"Um, excuse me, but I just had to ask - you're not that Ogged guy, are you?"


Posted by: Anderson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:24 AM
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5

"When one has made a decision to kill a person, even if it will be very difficult to succeed by advancing straight ahead, it will not do to think about going at it in a long roundabout way. One's heart may slacken, he may miss his chance, and by and large there will be no success. The Way of the Samurai is one of immediacy, and it is best to dash in headlong."--Hagakure


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:27 AM
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the "line" in catherine's situation, once he's said a few lines and she's represented that she is leaving, is for him to ask for her phone number. not difficult. but he sounds far too awkward to know that.


Posted by: eli cash | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:30 AM
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7

"Do you have a fucking problem?" always works for me, but then I'm in the sciences.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:31 AM
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8

In a just world, 5 would kill the thread.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:33 AM
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9

If you're trying to pick up an employee of the establishment, I find that Barney Gumbel's "Can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy somethin'!" works.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:36 AM
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10

"hi"


Posted by: tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:36 AM
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10 is a perfect example of why i am single.


Posted by: tweedledopey | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:37 AM
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"Do you have a fucking problem?"

On the first read, I put the stress on 'fucking' rather than 'problem', making it sound like you're asking about sexual dysfunction.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:41 AM
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Shallow as it sounds, the other person's fabulous fashion sense is usually a good opener. From that you can segue to other common interests, assuming there are any.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:41 AM
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8 - What do you mean? That's an awesome pickup line.


Posted by: snarkout | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:41 AM
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AWB- WWPUAD?

Last week, I read of your bounce theory and tried it out. Started with Saturday lunch with a first date. Afterwards, over to dessert place for cheesecake, then a relocation to an early evening movie. It was teh fun. Each time I said, 'how about we...?', she gave me a kind of WTF look but was into it.


Posted by: terpbball | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:42 AM
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Well, I think that we should extend the scope of our investigation. I'm only semi-bloggy. (I comment here, but I don't have my own blog that I maintain. I had one briefly but it fizzled. And I'm not a hipster. I'm externally kind of conservative, but bohemian underneath. I'm prone to somewhat outrageous and provocative statements. Sometimes that just means that I'm a jerk of the "Doesn't suffer fools gladly" sort, but sometimes it just means that I don't do well with people who aren't comfortable with people who hold strong opinions or have a personality. So, bah, I'm a bit of a freak.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:45 AM
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What always seems to work for me is reciting lines from "Back to the Future" ie: "excuse me, do you have the time? .... no, no - the year, the YEAR!??" Generally works best in commuter trains, because if it doesn't fly, you can quickly slide back into the anonymity of the urban slime - and then try it on someone else.


Posted by: Lucy | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:45 AM
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15: Beginners would say something interesting--tell a story or a factoid. MPUAs just say "Hi."


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:47 AM
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19

"Hey, you look just like that woman who won that online poll..."


Posted by: FL | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:48 AM
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18: "And let the ladies dig the view. Welcome to the gun show!"


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:49 AM
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21

I have only once, in my entire life, gone out with a woman that I spoke to unbidden in public. And I ended up marrying her. And for the life of me, I can't remember what opening line I used--nor can she.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:50 AM
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22

21 is a great line, if you're divorced.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:52 AM
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Reading the blog post, I think she needs a better comeback line. Conversation is like a game of social tennis, where you want to give the other person any easy reply. He's putting watermelons over the net, and she's sending back forehand line drives.


Posted by: W. Breeze | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:54 AM
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24

It's pretty common for GHB to cause memory loss, though.


Posted by: neil | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:54 AM
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25

Off-topic, but endlessly amusing to me. My mother-in-law (amazing cook) hosts a big Thanksgiving dinner every year. She inevitably ends up with some mongrels and strays who don't have friends or family nearby to dine with. This year, one of her guests asked if she could bring along someone else who didn't have anywhere else to go.

So my 70-year old MIL asks me, "Have you heard of a guy named Axl Rose? He's supposed to be a musician or something."


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:55 AM
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Or you could use obscure Internet memes from way back, to show your long-standing bloggy hipster cred. E.g. "Let's focus on Rapebear," or "I hear you've got, like, thirty motherfucking dicks."


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:56 AM
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One thing to do would be to memorize their face, then look for them on Onion personals. Taking a picture with your camera phone and then attaching it to the e-mail would probably give you an "in."


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:58 AM
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28

If the object of your desire is a woman, you should identify the perfume she's wearing and compliment her on it. This may require some olfactory training.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:58 AM
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(My though process leading up to 25 went as follows: Welcome to the gun show => Welcome to the Jungle => G'n'R => Axl Rose => my mother-in-law.)


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:58 AM
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25: And is Axl coming?

Certainly fits the definition of mongrel and stray.


Posted by: W. Breeze | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:58 AM
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31

Better disinvite Slash, then.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:00 AM
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32

I gave the definitive answer in catherine's comments already. This post is unnecessary.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:01 AM
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I can't say that I admire his standing there and waiting until she was about to leave before he spoke to her, but I can admire his straightforward approach. Too bad he wasn't willing to say more than that she was attractive. Which, you know, the world already knows.


Posted by: NCProsecutor | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:02 AM
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28: "How would he know the name of my perfume? I bet his wife uses the same brand, the scumbag."


Posted by: neil | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:02 AM
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26: Thirty goddamn dicks, DS, you cretinous Kree.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:02 AM
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Or you could use obscure Internet memes from way back, to show your long-standing bloggy hipster cred. E.g. "Let's focus on Rapebear," or "I hear you've got, like, thirty motherfucking dicks."

Easy rider salad the mall?


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:02 AM
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I'M IN UR INTERNET MESSIN WITH UR MEMES, SKRULL.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:04 AM
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28: If the object of your desire is a woman, you should identify the perfume she's wearing and compliment her on it.

what if she doesn't wear perfume? Do you then identify the shampoo brand?

sniff sniff- "Madam, do you cleanse your follicles with Herbal Essence(TM)? Or is it Pantene(TM)? sniff sniff... and is your name Clarisse, by any chance?


Posted by: Lucy | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:06 AM
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And is Axl coming?

AFAIK he is coming and bringing his kids.

It promises to be quite amusing, because traditionally my father-in-law and his sister get all nostalgic for old times after a few glasses of wine, and he pulls out the ukulele and the two of them sing island tunes and do hulas. I wonder if Axl will get in on that action? Shame I won't be there.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:06 AM
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40

Do you then identify the shampoo brand?

"Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific"


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:07 AM
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If the object of your desire is a woman, you should identify the perfume she's wearing and compliment her on it.

Any pickup attempt is made easier by having a European accent, but this one might be impossible without one.

Assuming that you are just guessing about the perfume, that is.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:08 AM
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42

40: still kinda creepy


Posted by: Lucy | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:08 AM
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43

You're having Thanksgiving dinner with Axl Rose? Are you serious?? I am so unbeleivably envious.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:09 AM
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41: You could just arrange to get Foreign Accent Syndrome.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:10 AM
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Don't be jealous, Brock. Knecht's mother-in-law is having Axl Rose over for Thanksgiving. KR won't be there.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:11 AM
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If the object of your desire is a woman, you should identify the perfume she's wearing and compliment her on it.

However! If you fail to get at least her phone number, the Council of Six makes fun of you for the rest of the evening.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:12 AM
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47

You haven't had Thanksgiving yet? Americans are always sooo behind the times... *scoffing while wrapping canadian flag tighter around my shoulders*


Posted by: Lucy | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:12 AM
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48

39: In the name of all that is good and holy, you must attend.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:12 AM
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49

I like something from Napoleon Dynamite, e.g. "I really like your bangs," or "I caught you a delicious bass."


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:15 AM
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50

Seriously, Knecht, if you don't attend this dinner I'll never respect you again.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:16 AM
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48: If only to supply the necessary bit of dinner conversation, "So Axl, how's D-list status treating you?"


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:16 AM
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It seems that this was a very high-risk, high-reward situation for the guy, and the only way anything could have worked is if it was a situation like described in #21.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:16 AM
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53

"When's the new record coming out?"


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:18 AM
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54

I walked up to my wife in a pub and spoke to her out of the blue. Unfortunately, I mumbled some crap and asked her for her phone number in a totally embarrassing way. Luckily, she laughed at me rather than told me to piss off. I was much more successful on the second line [I basically mocked my own pathetic opening line].


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:19 AM
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55

"I wish I was your derivative so I could be tangent to your curves."


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:22 AM
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56

Yes, Knecht, ben's got it right: I want to know when the new record's coming out. And also plus, Axl's sure to have some coke on him, which will probably liven up the party.

And all you really have to do convince Axl to perform "Don't Cry" on your father in law's ukulele, throw a video up on youtube and you'll be set for life. An instant hero. Just imagine.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:23 AM
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57

you should identify the perfume she's wearing

Excuse me, ma'am. Are you wearing Vulva Original?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:23 AM
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58

One thing to do would be to memorize their face, then look for them on Onion personals.

A guy actually found me this way-- emailed to say that he'd seen me on the street the day before (time and place checked out), and had almost stopped me but was too shy. I was a little flattered and a little freaked out. He seemed so excited to have found me that I did go on a date with him, even though he didn't look that attractive.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:23 AM
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55--
c'mon, show me a sine!


Posted by: kid bitzer | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:23 AM
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60

(Commenting Gonerill-style, by the way: while my students take a test.)


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:25 AM
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"I wish I was your derivative so I could be tangent to your curves."

Now do one for saddle points.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:25 AM
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"I wish I was your derivative so I could be tangent to your curves."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTby_e4-Rhg


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:25 AM
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(Commenting Gonerill-style, by the way: while my students take a test.)

Daring adventures!


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:26 AM
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64

he pulls out the ukulele and the two of them sing island tunes and do hulas. I wonder if Axl will get in on that action?

O, sweet suckling pig of mine.

Welcome to the jungle... aloha.

Take me down to the paradisical island, with the beach breezes.

What's so civil about a luau anyway?


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:26 AM
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65

And, of course,

Come, let us hasten to a higher plane
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to n
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!

Come, every frustrum longs to be a cone
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.

In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.

I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
Thou'lt tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove,
And in our bound partition never part.

For what did Cauchy know, or Christoffel,
Or Fourier, or any Bools or Euler,
Wielding their compasses, their pens and rulers,
Of thy supernal sinusoidal spell?

Cancel me not - for what then shall remain?
Abscissas some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.

Ellipse of bliss, converge, O lips divine!
the product o four scalars is defines!
Cyberiad draws nigh, and the skew mind
Cuts capers like a happy haversine.

I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die,
Had he but known such a^2 cos 2 phi!


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:26 AM
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66

55: "I wish I was your derivative so I could be tangent to your curves."

heebie, how do you come up with these?


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:27 AM
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67

62: Not a single mention of injections.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:27 AM
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68

Assuming that you are just guessing about the perfume, that is.

No, Ned, it only works if you identify it correctly.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:27 AM
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69

On reflection, I could probably have taken the thrid one further....


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:28 AM
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70

21 is like Doug Adams' line that if ever the reason for the universe became known, it would vanish. KR had the One True Pickup Line, used it, and now it is again lost to human knowledge.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:30 AM
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Not, strictly, speaking, a pickup line, but it worked on me:

If you're an attractive 23yo Russian woman in cutoff jeanbs and a bikini top, leaving a note on the windshield of a guy you just saw parallel parking (awkwardly!) will get you at least one pleasant but ultimately futile date.

That's a free tip for all you laydeez.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:32 AM
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72

65 is Lem, yeah?


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:33 AM
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73

Yep.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:33 AM
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74

My students are also taking a test while I am reading this thread, and I'm having a lot of trouble repressing the giggles.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:35 AM
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75

Seriously, Knecht, if you don't attend this dinner I'll never respect you again.

It will take place on Maui, so the logistics are a bit difficult.

And all you really have to do convince Axl to perform "Don't Cry" on your father in law's ukulele, throw a video up on youtube and you'll be set for life. An instant hero. Just imagine.

This part is rather tempting. But what if I flew all the way out there and he doesn't show? Or if he's all coked out and can't play the ukulele?


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:37 AM
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HEY ROB! WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?

GIVE UP?

NACHO CHEESE!


Posted by: CRYPTIC NED | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:38 AM
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77

Or if he's all coked out and can't play the ukulele?

Don't bring up Stephanie Seymour.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:39 AM
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78

I was going to suggest "oi! cunt!" as an opening line, but am getting increasingly concerned that we've lost all genuine enthusiasm for this blog and are just emptily going through the motions, rehearsing our catchphrases like the characters in one of the very last series of "Cheers". So I won't.


Posted by: dsquared | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:42 AM
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79

76 totally got me.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:43 AM
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58: I once happened to see someone I had hit on at the bar the night before, while apocalyptically drunk. So I eventually e-mailed her and used the story, but... turns out it wasn't actually her. So this is kind of a sad story.


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:43 AM
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"oi! cunt!" would work from a woman to a man, definitely.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:44 AM
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82

Ned, I hate you.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:45 AM
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83

76: On a hot dog?


Posted by: Doug | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:45 AM
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re: 79

Heh, I didn't get it at all. Took about 3 readings before I got the joke.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:46 AM
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85

we've lost all genuine enthusiasm ... and are just emptily going through the motions Coolidge effect.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:51 AM
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86


I once went out with a guy who sat next to me in a coffee shop, quietly sculpted for a while (I know, it's cliche, he was an art student, and yes he said he wanted to paint me), and looked over and asked what I was reading. That's it, and it worked.

Unfortunately it was a constitutional law casebook, so we couldn't talk about that much. And it ended up being a terrible date. Law students should never date artists and vice versa. Also, you should only ask that question if you can be prepared to talk about the book at hand. His chances might have improved if I had been reading Flannery O'Connor, but I doubt it.

Another time in college I was at an anti-slam student poetry reading and a guy approached me to say that he liked my poem and that it was like Amy Lowell's without being too derivative. That was an awesome line, until he read his, and his was creepy and bad.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:52 AM
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"Would you consider having a child with me?"


Posted by: jono | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:52 AM
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88

84: Perhaps its an accent thing.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:53 AM
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re: 88

Yeah. I doesn't remotely work in my accent. The sound of the words is so remote that I had to think of it in a comedy US accent before I got it.

re: 86 and cafés

I had a girl come up to me in a café in Prague and make conversation about the book I was reading. She also wanted me to go for a walk with her [I had to tell her I was waiting for my wife]. I was quite flattered, though.

Ditto in Amsterdam, where a girl came up and talked to me about the book I was reading.

Coincidentally, both girls were American, both times I was reading Eastern European authors.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:56 AM
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After Thanksgiving dinner, give Axl the ukulele and ask him to sing a few bars of "Sweet pie o' mine."

Also, it goes without saying that your MIL should greet him at the door with "Welcome to the jungle, Axl."


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:57 AM
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"Uh, I'm getting married this weekend. Do you want to go out?"

This is what went through my mind when a heartbreakingly cute woman gave me The Look while we were both standing in a bank line. To my eternal shame, I said nothing.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:57 AM
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80: Ha! I got one of those mistaken identity emails once, too. The guy did think to add a part at the end with 'hey, if that's not you, you look cute and interesting anyway!'


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 9:58 AM
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If the next Guns 'n' Roses album samples Sonny Chillingworth or includes a post mortem duet with Israel Kamakawiwoʻole, you'll know whom to thank.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:05 AM
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92: Thing is, I was 110% sure. In fact, it still seems like too much of a coincidence -- they had the same (rare) first name, the same unusual occupation (pastry cook), and lived in the same neighborhood. But then she put up a new picture that looked nothing like the person I met.


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:07 AM
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I once went out with a guy who sat next to me in a coffee shop, quietly sculpted for a while (I know, it's cliche, he was an art student, and yes he said he wanted to paint me)

GROAN


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:08 AM
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89: Don't bother reading Garff's biography of SAK in public, even in Copenhagen. No attention at all from the locals.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:11 AM
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95:

Don't judge me! Law students are such tools that you'd never want to date another one, and can't afford pass up non-law opportunities when they present themselves!

I should have listened to my inner cynic though. It was a little too "Ghost," a little too '90s. Okay yes, I won't blame you if you threw up a little.

I knew another law student who dated an artist though. That didn't work out either.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:11 AM
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98

he said he wanted to paint me

Oddly enough, my attempts to pass as an amateur filmmaker and to use "I want to videotape you" as a pickup line have been been spectacularly unsuccessful.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:15 AM
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99

Did he want to paint a picture of you or paint you?


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:16 AM
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100

A picture of me. Clothed. I am a _lady_.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:17 AM
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101

If I were planning on making a living as an artist, I would consider chatting up law students about their reading to be a valuable skill.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:20 AM
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102

Someone once tried to pick me up in a library by repeatedly insisting that from my looks, I must be Hungarian. I wouldn't recommend this method.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:22 AM
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103

re: 98

I've been approached when I've been out taking photos. Not in a 'take my picture' sense [although that has happened a couple of times] but by people curious about the 'weird' camera. This tends to be either i) old men into cameras, or ii) young women.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:23 AM
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102: maybe he was saying "hungry"?


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:24 AM
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104: Possibly. It's certainly generally the case that I am.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:25 AM
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101: As an aspiring academic, I have thought that it would be nice to find someone with a good-paying but portable job -- a nurse would obviously be ideal, but maybe also a teacher (particularly in special ed or something specialized like that). Not so sure about whether a lawyer would work -- maybe if she wasn't on the "partner" track.


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:26 AM
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Asking what the other was reading led to sex at least twice for me, once when I did the asking, once when the woman did.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:26 AM
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Someone once tried to pick me up in a library by repeatedly insisting that from my looks, I must be Hungarian. I wouldn't recommend this method.

I once did this with a girl in Germany I was 100% sure was Turkish. Turns out she was American. She was also a born again Christian who had promised Jesus not to fuck around any more until she was married. We did hold hands one night after a picnic, but that was it.

This story does not constitute an exception to the claim I made in 21, by the way, for a variety of uninteresting definitional reasons.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:31 AM
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102: So you don't like being included in what is objectively the most beautiful ethnicity in the world?


Posted by: Doug | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:32 AM
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106: If you had benefits, a burnt-out or low school/low grades lawyer would under current conditions be able to work as a contractor on doc reviews in big cities. I've been working the last few weeks remotely from home on such a project, and the number of those may increase, but I think you'd have to be on an agency's list, mostly a big-city thing to get it, it's not steady, and it's boring and isolating to work at home.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:32 AM
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Once a woman ahead of me on the Brown Line (note for IDP: I got on at Western) was reading a book that included the term "Being-in-the-world" in the chapter heading. I considered asking what she was reading, but I was embarrassed to be reading Mark C. Taylor's Erring: A Deconstructive A/Theology. When she got off the train, it turned out that she was a woman from a class I had audited at DePaul -- a North African woman who speaks perfect French and is intimidatingly hot. Even her first name is remarkably beautiful!

I went back to reading my stupid book for my stupid exam list....


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:33 AM
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re: 109

I think there are Czechs and Slovaks who'd disagree.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:34 AM
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106: There's a supply-side argument here. The more we can do to support the wealthiest classes, the greater the pool of idle rich for the less wealthy to mack on in coffeeshops.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:38 AM
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I'm not sure what the best line is for a woman to use, but for a man, complimenting a woman's shoes is the all-time sure fire winner.


Posted by: Petey | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:39 AM
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114: No, I'm pretty sure that line signals that you're gay. "Not that there's anything wrong with that," of course, but it doesn't help for the purposes we're discussing.


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:41 AM
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If the object of your desire is a woman, you should identify the perfume she's wearing and compliment her on it. This may require some olfactory training.

Bonus points if analyze the scent down to its components, and then explain the chemical formula of each component and how it is produced. Extra extra points of one of the components is musk and you can explain how musk is expressed.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:42 AM
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I don't have a strong visual impression of Hungarians (although Czech women I've met have run to the intimidatingly stunning). Nothing against being called Hungarian, the guy just didn't transition well from thinking I was Hungarian to accepting that I wasn't and moving on with the conversation. There was grilling about my ancestry, in the hopes that I'd mislaid a Magyar in their someplace.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:42 AM
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No, I'm pretty sure that line signals that you're gay.

Not necessarily true. Discerning and tuned into important details, yes.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:44 AM
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we've lost all genuine enthusiasm for this blog and are just emptily going through the motions

We need a revivifying influx of trolls from outside. Perhaps another Salon link?


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:45 AM
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This sounds too much like the useless "Be confident and be yourself" advice, but a couple of times I accidentally picked up a woman when I wasn't trying to. One time I just started talking to a couple in a bar and then found out that they were not really a couple when he said goodbye and left without her.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:45 AM
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114:

Depends on the woman. I'd never expect a hetero/not-too-metro guy to notice my shoes. I would be wondering if the guy was a foot fetishist, since I'm not used to a guy complimenting me on my footwear.

And yes, I wear nice heels, not just ugly sensible ones.

I think "nice skirt" would work, or "nice necklace." Except then you are admitting that you were checking out the woman's ass and breasts. But that's not so bad.

I would go for a guy who said "I love your glasses."

What would work for a woman? "Nice tie?"

My favorite non-pick up line that would work as a pick up line from a not-married dude comes from our favorite deaf academic blogger, who said at our first meeting (in a coffee shop): "I'm not staring at your breasts--I am deaf and need to read your lips."


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:45 AM
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I could say something pointlessly rude about Instapundit?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:46 AM
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"I'm not staring at your breasts crotch--I am deaf and need to read your lips."


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:52 AM
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Someone once tried to pick me up in a library by repeatedly insisting that from my looks, I must be Hungarian.
Yeah, I had a disturbingly drunk Scottish man open with: "Sooo wheeerrrruuuu frummm?" When I replied "Toronto", He refused to believe me. He kept repeating: "Noe Wheerrrruu really fruumm. Yew cannut be frummm herre."

I decided not to go into post-colonial identity theory with him. Didn't have the time between the band's sets.


Posted by: Lucy | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:53 AM
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110: Upside - time to comment on blog threads. Also, no boss over shoulder.

112: Only because of the whole "scourges of God" business, and that was centuries ago. Key word in the comment is "objectively."

117 "mislaid a Magyar": Not that there's anything wrong with that either.


Posted by: Doug | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:53 AM
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Czech women I've met
The unattractive ones are kept from meeting outsiders by dozens of layers of capricious bureaucracy. Thesis: laydeez that escape from hard-to-leave places look good on average; this includes small-town girls in the big city. Their neighbors stereotype Hungarians as weirdly patriotic.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:53 AM
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121: What if you just cut to the chase and complimented her breasts? Then guessed at her bra size? (I mean, I have to get some benefit from reading Bitch PhD's blog.)


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:54 AM
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114: Maybe if one says it with just the right note of laconic, restrained carnality, sort of Gary Cooper-meets-Clark Gable:

[Looks down, looks up.]

"Nice boots."


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:54 AM
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127: That has the subtlety of a jack-hammer.

I guess that I could go around staring at crotches and guessing at penis length, then.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:56 AM
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Opening Game

"Play balls!"


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:56 AM
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129: Right, then I could follow up with, "I know that has all the subtlety of a jack-hammer... if you know what I'm saying!" Then elbow her suggestively.

I think I'm putting together a pretty solid routine here.


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:58 AM
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What if you just cut to the chase and complimented her breasts?

The true PUA would find a way to couple this with a slight insult: "Nice breasts? Are they real?"


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:59 AM
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127: men have tried this, and no, it doesn't actually work.


Posted by: Lucy | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:59 AM
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128: So in this situation, shrieking 'fabulous!' is dispreferred?


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:59 AM
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You might as well go with the tried and true "Wanna fuck?" line, Adam.

I believe biologists have a name for the mating strategy involving hitting on as many females as possible in a blunt sort of way until one of them falls, as opposed to the strategy involving finding the perfect female and then doing an exquisite mating dance.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:01 AM
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134: Theoretically, one could as readily put heterosexual topspin on "Fabulous!" as anything else, but I don't think I'd risk it.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:04 AM
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98: That's because you have to use the actual line, "Hey baby, let's make a movie." Works like a charm.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:05 AM
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Oddly enough, my attempts to pass as an amateur filmmaker and to use "I want to videotape you" as a pickup line have been been spectacularly unsuccessful.

Try videotaping first, and then telling her you have done so.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:06 AM
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"As my gay friends might say, your shoes are fabulous." Scare quotes optional.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:08 AM
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biologists have a name
Only because so many biologists are female, so the conference bar is a fun place. Most subfields are small enough that this strategy will backfire pretty quickly, unfortunately.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:08 AM
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Sorry, almost forgot where I was: "As my gay friends Fontana Labs might say, your shoes are fabulous."


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:10 AM
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135: Does that actually work?!


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:11 AM
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Cheeziest grad student line ever attempted on me (on quads at U of C, leaving seminar at which I had just delivered paper): "Soooo . . . do you work exclusively on Lacan?" No. It did not work.

Cheeziest line uttered by me: 9 million variations on "You're band is really cool" spoken to skinny punk rock boys in the late 80s.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:12 AM
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142: In some cases. You have to ask lots and lots of times and not fear rejection.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:14 AM
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142: Yes. I've known a couple of guys who did this, and it works fine. You just need an incredibly thick skin, because you get rejected twenty times a day to get laid once. It also helps being generally sunny, friendly, and indiscrimiately attracted to the broad spectrum of humanity.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:15 AM
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I had a nice conversation about Nietzsche with a female academic who sat next to me on the train back to New York a Thanksgiving or two ago, and noticed me reading Philosopher, Psychologist, Anti-Christ, but we were not otherwise mutually attractive.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:15 AM
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98: That's because you have to use the actual line, "Hey baby, let's make a movie." Works like a charm.

We don't have sound but you're so great
You don't have to speak
You've got the style it takes


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:22 AM
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145: yeah, indomitable cheerfulness and self-confidence (themselves attractive qualities) would be necessary to practice this strategy. By my tenth rejection of the day I'd be all snappish and surly.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:22 AM
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Just skimming here, but I gather the optimal strategy is to shriek "Oh my god your breasts are fabulous!" and then ask where she got them?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:22 AM
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"I wish I was your derivative so I could be tangent to your curves." heebie, how do you come up with these?

I'm shamelessly plagiarizing. I got it from a former student.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:23 AM
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148: There's a reason most guys don't do it. Even though it works, the incessant rejection would turn most ordinary guys into a whimpering mass of protoplasm by day 2. You really need the personality for it.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:24 AM
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The only people, not already known to me, who have ever exhibited an interest in what I was reading have been fellow dudes.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:24 AM
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148: My problem is that I would have to be drinking to try the strategy in the first place, which would increase the odds of self-undermining through bitterness. But maybe I would luck out after a certain point and meet a woman who would be turned on by a pharmakon reference.


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:24 AM
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150: you still haven't filled your commission for line referencing saddle points.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:25 AM
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But maybe I would luck out after a certain point and meet a woman who would be turned on by a pharmakon reference.

Try it at Jimmy's?


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:26 AM
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"Want me to predict your future? Your determinant will land you in my saddle point."


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:27 AM
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The one time -- the one time -- I tried an actual, cold-call, see-a-nice-face in a bar pickup, it went like this:

slolernr: Hi. My name is <slolernr's real name>.
She, icy as can be: I know who you are.<turns away>


Posted by: slolernr | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:27 AM
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I know who you are.

Show off.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:29 AM
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There must be more to that story.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:29 AM
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She, icy as can be: I know who you are

Ouch!


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:29 AM
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157, cont': 'And what you've done. Do you really believe people had forgotten?' [Sweeps dramatically off.]


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:29 AM
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153, 155: Hey wait one second. This woman gets pharmaka references and has logged more hours at Jimmy's than she cares to admit. WARNING: Pharmaka + women + Greek tragedy = FLAMING DEATH. Always. The Trachiniae, the Hippolytos . . .


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:30 AM
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When I was single, if I saw someone cute out randomly, I would write them a note, and then fold it up and drop it on their table middle-school style as I was leaving. The note would say something like, "I thought you were cute! here's my e-mail address. I'm a little embarrassed, so I hope you just find this harmless and flattering."

I always got a response, and they were always immensely flattered but in a relationship.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:31 AM
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157: That is cold as shit. What the hell did you do?


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:32 AM
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There must be more to that story.

Not beknownst to me. I remain mystified as to whether she (a) misidentified me (and maybe didn't hear/listen to my self-introduction; it was a noisy bar), (b) really did know me and loathe me for some unknown reason, (c) really didn't know me, but really, really didn't want to talk to me.


Posted by: slolernr | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:33 AM
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What the hell did you do?

I slunk off, of course, and remain mystified to this day how to initiate social relations with other people, except of course through blog comments.


Posted by: slolernr | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:34 AM
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It also helps being generally sunny, friendly, and indiscrimiately attracted to the broad spectrum of humanity.

Of course, if you have these qualities, then it does not really matter what you say.

Generally, people are attracted to sunny, friendly people who can appreciate a broad range of humanity.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:36 AM
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166: "Nice cummerbund" is, I understand, a well-nigh infalible pickup line where appropriate.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:36 AM
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157 is fantastic.

I once had someone energetically warn their friend off talking to me, at one point using the word "scandalous." I was perversely pleased.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:38 AM
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152: The only people, not already known to me, who have ever exhibited an interest in what I was reading have been fellow dudes.

What are you reading, Ben w-lfs-n?

I don't get asked that much now. Then again, I read stuff no one cares about, like how to restructure the workplace so that it is less discriminatry. However, I don't think I get much more play when I am sitting and reading EM Forster, either.

Clearly, my attractiveness has gone down since my college/law school days, or I just exude "I am a giant tool" vibes--not to be discounted for why attractive people reading interesting things don't get hit on. Not that you exude tool vibes, BW, but I have been told to look up and smile more, and not to read with a furrowed brow chewing on my fingers and twirling my pen. I look too "focused," which is not "open." But dude, I have work to do.

Guys who are too timid to interrupt a nerdy girl on that nerdy sexy banter level will never get play.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:39 AM
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Scandalous? That is excellent. Who wouldn't want to be considered scandalous?


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:39 AM
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Who wouldn't want to be considered scandalous?

Someone whose life has been blameless to the point of dullness.


Posted by: slolernr | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:40 AM
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Guys who are too timid to interrupt a nerdy girl on that nerdy sexy banter level will never get play.

Surely that "never" needs a few qualifiers. Or maybe you just meant play from you?


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:41 AM
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Not quite the same situation, but I just remembered this daring gambit. Friend of mine identifies woman he wants to date, somehow knows that she's into Ezra Pound (maybe overheard conversation, this was at school). So he copies a Pound poem, rips it in half, puts one half in her mailbox in the morning and hands her the other half that day at lunch while she's sitting with friends. Score!


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:41 AM
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Here's one of the best lines ever used on me. We already had a date set up, and I bumped into him randomly the day before the date.

He said, "Tonight I'm going to go home and write a list of topics to talk about so that you'll think I'm interesting."


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:45 AM
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173:

I think in general--it behooves a man to get up the guts to walk up to a girl in a middle of a conversation or book and say "excuse, me, but---"--the fear of rejection is probably what cripples most men, all the comments above about developing thicker skin are true. You don't get anything if you don't ask. I'm a relatively bold, brassy girl, and I've been rejected tons of times. But the times I've asked "I want to kiss you, will you kiss me?," they worked. I'm dating someone now who responded positively to that query.

But especially from me, because I am an oblvious nerd and do not look up from my books much.

Interrupt me.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:45 AM
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When I was single, if I saw someone cute out randomly, I would write them a note

Not to out Megan here, but since she *did* post about it...

http://fromthearchives.blogspot.com/2006/12/still-no-porn.html


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:46 AM
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175:

That is SO nerdy cute, and that would have totally worked on me, too.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:47 AM
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128 is awesome. Unfortunately, as with everything to do with pickup lines, if you are the type who can pull this off you probably don't have any worries in that realm anyway.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:47 AM
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Interrupt me.

Pointless, since you're dating somebody now. Shut up and get back to reading.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:47 AM
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142: The guy I knew who did it was a low-level petty criminal (fake Mafia) who stole his acquaintances' (my) electronics equipment. None more thick-skinned. I was amazed at how well he did.

"Wanna fuck" wasn't his actual pickup line, but darn near.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:47 AM
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I think in general--it behooves a man to get up the guts to excuse me, but Fontana Labs tells me you write like someone who has fabulous shoes. Wanna fuck?


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:47 AM
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180 came out nasty when I meant it to be a gentle crack on the probable outcome of interrupting random attractive women reading in coffeehouses. Sorry. But of course this is the rejection-ten-times-a-day factor that most of us don't have the stomach for.

Rejection is generally pretty gentle, though, I've found.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:49 AM
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Channeling all this energy into crafting a perfect pick-up line is wasted, when really you ought to be working on your craigslist "missed connections" post.


Posted by: ed bowlinger | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:50 AM
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What are you reading, Ben w-lfs-n?

. . . laydeez.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:50 AM
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"I'm reading the definitive new book on the Sogdians, who dominated the key points of the Silk Road from about 600 AD until about 900 AD. Wanna fuck?"


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:53 AM
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183: It's cool. I understand.

I was single for five years (a lot of it is blamed on 3 years of law school, where dwelleth the tools you don't want to date), and wish that this thread existed in 2002, so that I could tell every guy to get up the guts to say hi to a girl in a coffee shop.

Eventually though, I developed some guts of my own, so I'm just as culpable. So I will also call upon my fellow ladies to be open and friendly and also get some guts of their own.

There's no rule that guys should do all the approaching. I am all about equal-opportunity approaching.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:53 AM
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186: Change "reading" to "writing" --> great success!


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:57 AM
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128: Perhaps it's worth testing the hypothesis. Lads?


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:06 PM
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My problem is not so much the opening line, but the second-third line. It seems so tiring to interpret all the signals necessary to keep an out-of-the-blue convo with a total stranger going, I feel prematurely defeated and give up before I start.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:06 PM
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Sogdians
Did they really use movable type? What's the book and how is it?


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:09 PM
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190: It's so much easier when you think of women as wanting something other than to verbally armwrestle you. When you can approach women as people with whom you might want to talk, you'll signal that intention in all sorts of ways, which will make the people you're talking to feel more comfortable.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:10 PM
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Indulge me while a tell another one of my favorite jokes. This is going to take up some space on the page, so I wasn't kidding about indulging me.

Jim Bob, an old hillbilly mail carrier, is drinking moonshine with his buddy Donny Ray. Jim Bob is completely smitten with the young widow Hicks who lives up the holler. Jim Bob says, "Donny Ray, that woman makes my heart fall plumb out of my chest. I go past there every day on my mail route, and she smiles and waives, but I ain't got the faintest notion how to go and talk to her."

Donny Ray says, "Now Jim Bob, I'm gonna give you some advice. It ain't gonna be easy, but if you do as I say, you'll get that woman to roll in the hay with you."

"First," Donny Ray continues, "You need you get some lumber and build you a round, orange bed. Then you need to take your horse and paint it purple. Then you need to mix you up a big pitcher of pink lemonade."

"Donny Ray, has your butter done slid plumb off your biscuit? That is the craziest notion I ever did hear," says Jim Bob.

"No, listen to me," Donny Ray continues. "When you ride up to the widow's house on your mail route, you take your purple horse. And she'll say, 'Jim Bob, you are ridin' a purple horse.' And you'll say, 'That's right ma'am, I am.'"

"And she'll say, 'My, my, ain't that interestin'.' And you'll say, 'Not only do I have a purple horse, I drink pink lemonade.'

"And she'll say, 'Is that so? Ain't that interesting?'' And you'll say, 'It's so indeed. Would you like to come down to my cabin and have a glass with me?'

"And she'll come down to your house, and you'll pour her a glass of pink lemonade, and you'll say, 'Did you know I have a round, orange bed?'

"And she'll say, 'I ain't never known nobody with a round, orange bed. I believe I'd like to see it.'

"And you'll take her in the bedroom, and she'll say 'My oh my, Jim Bob, you sure are an interestin' man,' and then one thing will lead to another..."

So Jim Bob goes out and buys lumber and paint, and builds a round orange bed, then paints his horse purple, and mixes up a pitcher of pink lemonade, and sets out on his mail route.

As he rides up to the widow's cabin, she exclaims, "Well ain't that interestin'! Jim Bob, you are ridin' a purple horse!"

Jim Bob swallows nervously and says, "That's right, ma'am. You wanna fuck?"


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:11 PM
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When you can approach women as people with whom you might want to talk

But-, but I don't want to talk to them! I just want to fuck them. Not hear about their boring lives.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:14 PM
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195

192 to 194 all get to the potential issue with pickup: the man is to a certain degree approaching the woman in bad faith. He's not just interested in chatting or showing off his purple horse.

Like, I rarely want to chat with total strangers, because I'm too busy and too lazy. I mean, sometimes I do but mostly I don't. If I gear myself up to talk to an attractive woman there's generally an ulterior motive.

Of course, sometimes the woman shares the ulterior motive, but that's a whole lot rarer for women than for men. I once innocently started a conversation with a gay guy in SF, and he tried to pick me up. I played along a bit out of boredom. It was *astounding* how easily the conversation went. Totally different than similar conversations with strange women. Shared ulterior motives.


Posted by: Jimmy "Lust in My Heart" Carter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:20 PM
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This is advice in the 'just be yourself' category, but try to think of the woman as a person you'd like to talk to, and the conversation as a conversation you'd have with someone you'd like to talk to, rather than a way to make her ride you until the roots of your hair turn red. Of course that is your goal, but your body language will be a lot different if it is projecting 'I'd like to get to know you' than if it is projecting 'omg! boobies!'


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:22 PM
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that's a whole lot rarer for women than for men

I doubt it. Women are trained not to signal their motives as clearly as guys, but I swear to god that on average women are like, thirty goddam times hornier than guys.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:24 PM
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197: That's just you, Ogged. Makes life simpler, though, doesn't it?

Can I interest you in some cats?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:25 PM
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Sogdians.

There are also two books in French by the same author. A measly $350 buys you the lot!

Don't know about movable type. Printing was first used by Buddhists, and movable type supposedly by Chinese.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:25 PM
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197 gets it exactly right.


Posted by: m. leblanc | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:25 PM
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I doubt it. Women are trained not to signal their motives as clearly as guys, but I swear to god that on average women are like, thirty goddam times hornier than guys.

Should we continue keeping this a secret from teenagers? I think so.


Posted by: Cryptic Ned | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:29 PM
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My problem is not so much the opening line, but the second-third line.

One solution I once encountered was to drunkenly plow through without waiting for a response.

"What's your sign! You're tall. I was in the band, did you see me? Let's go smoke a cigarette outside."


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:29 PM
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197 is wrong, or it might be completely correct but "hornier" is not the operative category here. "Willing to have sex on a relatively casual basis" is the relevant issue, and women are less so than men. A whole lot of different forms of gender weirdness intersect around this question.

196 on the other hand strikes me as right on.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:30 PM
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but I swear to god that on average women are like, thirty goddam times hornier than guys.

Which is why it's such a blessed relief to start dating women over 30, once they have realized that there's no shame in indulging their carnal lust, and one more notch in their stick isn't going to change anyone's opinion of them.

True fact: I never dated anyone who was between the ages of 21 and 30. I went from being a 24 y.o. dating a 21 y.o. to being a 25 y.o. dating a 30 y.o., and all my subsequent relationships were with older women. Consequently, the contention in the foregoing that age 30 constitutes some kind of threshold is meant rhetorically; that's how I experienced the world.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:31 PM
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Should we continue keeping this a secret from teenagers? I think so.

Keeping this secret is the very purpose of civilization.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:31 PM
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I love chatting up women in coffee shops and whatnot, but quit pick up attempts because the one or two that I did pick up, ended up being miserable people.

A couple of times, I've bumped into a woman who I'd previously chatted up elsewhere, and that has a better chance of leading somewhere.


Posted by: terpbball | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:32 PM
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What are you reading, Ben w-lfs-n?

AC Moore, Points of View (among other things). But I meant in the way in which one sees the book itself, not this sort of abstract question.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:35 PM
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AW Moore, that is.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:37 PM
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I know my advice falls into the "be yourself" throwaway category, so I'll try to step it up with tactics. I think men looking to meet women should spend more time trying to meet men. It's too hard to try to control for what you're signaling with your body language when you're grasping to just make the words go in the proper order. But talking to guys makes you act like the cool guy you want other people to perceive you to be.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:43 PM
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209: Does that mean not discussing the Justice League Unlimited cartoon with the fat guy in the Green Lantern t-shirt at the gym? Because that's pretty much all the meeting men I am inclined to do.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:48 PM
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It's the same guy, but you're both out and wearing blazers now.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:49 PM
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The only and best opening line: "Hey, how's it going?"

After that you're on your own, but it's harmless and demands a response. Based on the response (friendly? short? do they ask you the same? etc.) you can decide if a follow up is worth it and it leaves the door open.


Posted by: Fred F. | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:54 PM
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The best lines are situation-specific ("So, what are you in for?"), but non-creepy compliments are probably second best: nice shirt/skirt/earrings, etc. Complimenting jewelry is good because you can do plausible follow-ups about whether it's custom-made, etc., so if she wants to talk to you, she can. Don't compliment someone's scent; it's too intimate as an opening.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 12:57 PM
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The only and best opening line: "Hey, how's it going?"

One of the freaky things about Sweden: the word for "hello" is "hej" (pronounced "hey"), so you're walking around the city hearing everyone say "Hey" to one another and thinking "Wow, this place is *so* laid back!"


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:01 PM
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"Does my penis look too big for you?"


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:02 PM
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The best lines are situation-specific

"You know, if I had known you were an undercover cop, I would have asked you out on a real date."


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:02 PM
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213 - i was going to say that's terrible advice, but i have had one guy on the metro ask about my somewhat-unique looking ring, and i found that kind of friendly and not off-putting and it actually led to a fairly interesting conversation. he wasn't doing it to try to get my number or anything, at least i don't think (i think he was just curious about the ring), but it was a pretty solid opening either way.


Posted by: catherine | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:02 PM
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i think he was just curious about the ring

Of course he was, dear. Next week we'll learn fractions.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:06 PM
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In some if not most instances, 196's "advice in the 'just be yourself' category" s/b "advice contradicting the 'just be yourself' category." For example, there's a woman I've been finding excuses to spend time with over the past couple weeks, and if we wind up getting along really well and having a lot of interests in common I'll be happy, but the expectation of such is not my motivation.


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:07 PM
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But talking to guys makes you act like the cool guy you want other people to perceive you to be.

Accurate.


Posted by: terpbball | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:07 PM
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The last time I asked a strange woman about her jewelry was at the dentist. She was the dental hygienist working on my mouth, and I asked her about a ring. She looked at me funny, like I was trying to pick her up. But really, I had nothing to do but sit their and stare at her hands, and I just wound up getting curious about her ring.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:08 PM
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214: That's weird. With my family and friends that's what I usually say, and also my son and his group of friends.

I just had what shouldn't be a discovery but is. This knd of thing is mostly a problem for solitary, quiet people who don't hang out much. A jolly, gregarious social butterfly who schmoozes up everyone only has to shift his ongoing schmooze into courtship mode.

Whereas someone who seldom talks to anybody will be thinking "I wouldn't normally be talking to this person except that I want sex, and she probably can figure that out." So everything has a heightened importance that makes it all harder.

It might be both ways. If you're the ogre who stalks around and never says anything, the time you do say something may startle people, like a talking dog, which in turn will embarass and discourage you.

Not that I'm an ogre or anything.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:09 PM
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"Thr rng ipf veeh fftty ifft kghtm?"

(funny look)

Oh no, she must have thought I was trying to pick her up!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:11 PM
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i probably shouldn't read this thread.


Posted by: yoyo | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:14 PM
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OT: A month or so ago, I mentioned in the comments here that I had recently, for the first time, posed nude for a drawing (which is not yet finished).

Well, yesterday I was out doing some yardwork, and a man came by, looking for his lost dog, and asks if I've seen it. I said no, got a description of the dog, said I'd keep an eye out for it, etc. We then introduce ourselves, and he says, "Aren't you a friend of _____?" I say yes, and he says, "He's drawing a picture of you, right? It's looking good."


Posted by: zadfrack | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:14 PM
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Turns out it was custom, although she emphasized that HER BOYFRIEND got it for her. When I told her I was thinking about getting something similar for MY WIFE, she took off her latex glove so I could see it better. It turns out it was a lot more interesting looking when partially obscured.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:16 PM
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Re: complimenting the ring. I think non-creepy compliments (like ogged said, not the perfume) are a great way to go.

I remember I was on the train once, and sitting next to a guy who apropos of nothing said "are you a designer?" I was like "what?" He was like, oh that's just a really awesome coat you're wearing (it was indeed, very awesome and unique). I thanked him, we chatted for a couple minutes, and when I got off I spent the rest of the day wondering whether he'd been trying to hit on me and if so, kicking myself I hadn't gotten his number.

Another time (also on the train), a guy was like "Hey, so how was work?" (I was wearing a suit). We had a nice ten-minute conversation that ended in nothing, but if he'd asked and I'd been single, I totally would have gone out with him.


Posted by: m. leblanc | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:16 PM
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224: you can find a useful summary of the best techniques at 182.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:16 PM
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218 - he was! he didn't ask for my number, or name, or try to set up a date or anything. just said good bye when i left the car.


Posted by: catherine | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:16 PM
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Then he went home and favorited all your flickr pictures.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:18 PM
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"Nice package" he said.

Posing nude is pretty clinical. You don't have to have a great body at all, but you have to be able to sit completely still for 30 minutes, which is way harder than you think. It's pretty much not sexy at all unless deliberately staged that way.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:18 PM
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When I told her I was thinking about getting something similar for MY WIFE, she took off her latex glove

So, so dirty.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:19 PM
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225: But you offered to pose nude because you recognize that a look at the representation of your figure in no way represents a glimpse at your figure and that the compliment can only be construed as a positive assessment of the artist's draghtmanship?


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:20 PM
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217: I once inadvertantly complimented a married woman I work with and she got all flustered. There was something about the pattern she was wearing that I liked.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:20 PM
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I once inadvertantly complimented a married woman I work with and she got all flustered.

Because you phrased it, "There's something about your pattern that I like"?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:21 PM
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but you have to be able to sit completely still for 30 minutes, which is way harder than you think.

Bah. You're probably also one of those weenies who complains about "stress positions."


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:22 PM
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I just happened to like the dress she was wearing, which is something I rarely care about.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:23 PM
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Ayun Halliday has a good story about working as an artists model and telling little stories to herself about her poses to keep herself entertained.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:23 PM
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It's pretty much not sexy at all unless deliberately staged the right way, with Aria Giovanni and a bunch of grapes.


Posted by: John Maynard Keynes | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:24 PM
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Who is Aria Giovanni? (Not Googling in case her profession is NSFW.)


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:25 PM
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233: I offered because it was one of my "things to do before I die," but otherwise, yes.

It's just odd to have that mentioned on first meeting someone. It's not quite, "Haven't I seen naked pictures of you on the internet?" but it's something like that.

Now that would be a great pickup line. Some of you desperate singles should try it out. You'll thank me.


Posted by: zadfrack | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:28 PM
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219: I meant in the 'be yourself' category to imply (like earlier in the thread) 'sort of useless advice in that if the person had figured that out, they wouldn't be the sort of person needing dating advice.'

I used to get a lot of compliments on my hair.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:28 PM
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Mrs. Ruprecht used to be an avid photographer, and she did a lot of nude self portraiture. The photos were far more "arty" than erotic, but she had a bitchin' body, so they were pretty pleasing to look at even if you didn't appreciate the artistic aspects.

Anyway, we had one of them framed in the bedroom, and one day our landlord came in to look at a door seal or something, and he spotted the picture and grabbed it and totally perved out on it. Mrs. Ruprecht kept trying to grab it back, and he kept wanting to look at it.

Not long after that the picture disappeared. I'm pretty sure SHE disposed of it.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:31 PM
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230 - entirely possible.

i guess i think the half of it is reading somebody's body language accurately. a conversation starter that might work any other day could fail miserably if somebody is tired, or feeling pissy, or just wants to zone out. at bars, i think the signs are being in a group, eye contact, laughing, general looking like they're having a good time. if they're in a very focused conversation with just one person (whether that's a guy or girl) it's definitely best not to interrupt.

this worked once on my friend, though they had one date and it didn't go anywhere.


Posted by: catherine | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:33 PM
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Of course he was, dear. Next week we'll learn fractions.

I think most people learning about rings already know about fractions.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:36 PM
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Ben, I don't feel like you sufficiently fawned over my stupid saddle point line.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:37 PM
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240: Work-safe Aria Giovanni.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:37 PM
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Aria Giovanni is a nice young naked woman.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:38 PM
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It was totally fawn-worthy, heebie.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:40 PM
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I don't feel like you sufficiently fawned over my stupid saddle point line.

"You must exist in Riemannian space, because there is no parallel to you."

(If I'm misremembering non-Euclidean geometry, you smarter types just keep quiet about it, OK?)


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:41 PM
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A "nude model and actress"? I thought "porn star" was mainstream diction by now.

242: I used to get a lot of compliments on my hair.

What's annoying: having unusual hair is a great ice-breaker, but mostly with really boring people with whom you wouldn't otherwise want to talk.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:42 PM
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I used to get a lot of compliments on my hair.

See, I feel like personal features compliments are creepy. I have had many a dude say something like "you have really nice eyes," which didn't work. I guess hair works if it's not just code for "I think you're hott." I used to have a bright pink streak in my hair and people would occasionally be like "nice hair," but I think in my now non-bepinked state it would just be like "uhhh, ok."

I think it better to compliment something like an item of jewelry or a coat. Or a purse/bag/hat. Shoes would work if it weren't for "nice shoes, wanna fuck?"


Posted by: m. leblanc | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:44 PM
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251: It's code.

"Nude Model and Actress" = Softcore only.

"Porn Star" --> must at least do penetration.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:44 PM
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I don't know why I threw that out there; I wouldn't recommend complimenting someone's hair as a pick-up line unless it were particularly distinctive. But it's weird.

OT worry: There's this girl I don't know, that I see at the gym all the time, that I'm becoming convinced has an exercise addiction. I know, I know, if I see her all the time, then.... no. She's usually been going full out for the hour before I've been there, the full time I'm there, and usually is switching onto a different machine as I leave. I know it's not something I can do anything about, but three hours of pantingly intense exercise per day has me seriously worried. [/end nebbish vent]


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:50 PM
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three hours of pantingly intense exercise per day has me seriously worried

If it's for vanity, maybe. If she is a competitive athlete (in the off-season, maybe?), it's totally normal.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:54 PM
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254: That is worrisome, indeed. I think it's called "exercise bulimia," which is usualy coupled with an EDNOS--Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, e.g. occasional binge-and-purge bulimia not rising to the medical definition in frequency, or extreme but not severe dieting, etc.

Hmm.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:54 PM
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Excessive exercise is a form of purging.


Posted by: m. leblanc | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:56 PM
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255: Yeah, she could be an athlete. Except I think they have their own training room here.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 1:59 PM
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Cala: if you're actually looking for advice here and not just venting, I'd talk to the management at the gym but not directly to the woman. They can approach her with a clear vested interest in keeping their clientele healthy.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:00 PM
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Asking a population of blog commenters whether someone is exercising too much seems like a case of sample bias.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:00 PM
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Cala: I bet Belle has it right. There was a thread on Gawker about this last week (sort of). Folks were posting on "freaks at the gym" (you know, grunting guy, legwarmer lady, etc.) and every gym seems to have more than one skeletal woman who walks on the treadmill all the damn day long. I think the gym should say something, but I can't imagine it would be taken well.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:02 PM
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I bet gym employees might also know more about the case and be more experienced with diagnosis exercise disorders. They might just say to you "Oh, she's training for a sesquacententathalon" or "Yeah, we've had crazies like her before."


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:06 PM
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259 I'd talk to the management at the gym but not directly to the woman.

I'd pay to see the expression on their faces.


Posted by: terpbball | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:08 PM
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Why? I bet people develop exercise bulimia in their gym from time to time.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:11 PM
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264

Granted, but likely not to be received well by either party.


Posted by: terpbball | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:18 PM
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You want to see the employees' faces or the exercise woman's face?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:20 PM
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I didn't mean to seem dismissive of the possibility or seriousness of exercise bulimia; I've known women who suffered from this, and it's scary and disheartening.

I was just offering up the possibility of a comparatively benign explanation for this woman's behavior.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:23 PM
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I had a friend pull an intervention for anorexia with me once at a time (as I mentioned here once) because she was studying anorexia in her anthropology class and she never saw me eat at dinner. I remember thinking she was crazy (one cannot be anorexic at 135 pounds at 5'4'') but being oddly touched that had I been anorexic, I had a friend who would have noticed.

I think I just need to mind my own business in this case. But I'm hoping the gym staff is on their toes.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:26 PM
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"you have really nice eyes"

Isn't this universally understood to mean, "Hi, I'm totally creepy"?


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:27 PM
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sesquacententathalon- is that 150 mile race or 150 different events?


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:28 PM
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It occurs to me that "doing it for vanity" and "is an athlete" are not exclusive categories. Moreover, no matter where you are on the resulting Venn diagram, you can compulsively overexercise.

Also, men who compulsively overexercise for the sake of vanity built a whole sport around it, bodybuilding, which is now a gateway to enter California politics.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:30 PM
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I was thinking a hundred and fifty different events. A 150 mile race isn't nearly as funny.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:31 PM
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I would think (ex recto, naturally) that exercise bulimia would be necessarily self-limiting, in that a person needs to maintain a certain level of fitness to keep at it. Not that it's not unhealthy.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:34 PM
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Well, the woman like this I used to see at the gym didn't look like a distance runner at all; she looked like Karen Carpenter. Karen Carpenter walking on a treadmill, at like 2.5 -- with a diet Coke in her hand. I still feel a little conflicted about the non-action I took.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:37 PM
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bodybuilding, which is now a gateway to enter California politics.

But you've got to admit, Lou Ferrigno's latest position paper on reform of Medicaid reimbursement rates does inject some much-needed realism into the policy debate.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:38 PM
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274-
That does sound bad, but there's nothing you can do with OCDs short of becoming a friend and accepting who they are. Only then are you in a position to help. Otherwise, the message is 'there's something wrong with you' and that is exactly what they are fighting.


Posted by: terpbball | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 2:58 PM
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There was a guy at my gym in Cleveland who was always, always there, on the Stairmaster (the kind with the infinitely tumbling steps, not the wussy kind where you can make up your own step heights) all day, step step step step step step step, covered from head to toe in sweat. I never saw him get off that thing. No idea how he survived.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:06 PM
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On-topic, I was asked out on Friday. It was one of those things where the question came so quickly after hello that I had no option or reason to say no, so I said yes. The longer someone keeps talking during a cold meeting like that, the more chances they have to commit a dealbreaker. Keep it short.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:08 PM
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Re compliments as form of making way to come-ons

I passionately *hate* it when someone compliments me on something, and then I realize that they are actually just trying to hit on me. It cheapens the compliment somehow, renders it insencere.

I really value random compliments as a form of spreading genuine cheer. I love leaning over to someone who's caught my eye and dropping a "that neckace is absolutely stunning" with a smile, then walking away. I feel like the compliment is at its most sincere at those times, because you're willing to tell it as it is without wanting anything in return.

Or maybe I'm just chicken shit and afraid of rejection. Entirely possible.


Posted by: Lucy | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:09 PM
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Agreed, Lucy. Compliments are stupid, especially when they have nothing to do with any choices you made.

My hair is curly and blonde, and people comment on it. You might as well walk up to me and tell me my weight or my eye color; I'm aware that my hair is curly and blonde. It doesn't advertise a man's perspicacity if he can identify these visual traits.

However, I will acknowledge people who notice my interesting socks/hosiery, which are--like, duh--totally markers of kinkiness/queerness to the right person. Acknowledging my socks/hosiery is like getting the hanky-code. It marks us as the kind of people who look for such things.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:17 PM
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Stairmaster is a good enemy for me.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:18 PM
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I really value random compliments as a form of spreading genuine cheer. I love leaning over to someone who's caught my eye and dropping a "that neckace is absolutely stunning" with a smile, then walking away. I feel like the compliment is at its most sincere at those times, because you're willing to tell it as it is without wanting anything in return

I've received those, and they're wonderful; I try to give them when I'm in a very good mood, and I've always had moderate ease talking to strangers. When I was a fairly lonely college student, not even trying to have a social life, or when I've been a stranger in a new milieu things like that have made my day.


Posted by: I don't pay | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:18 PM
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Second-hand compliments are good too. ("I overheard a student talking about how much they liked your class," say, or "Fred was just telling me how much he admired your sense of style.")


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:21 PM
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I always admire it deeply when someone comes right out and says "I've missed you!" to a close friend or family member who they haven't seen in a while.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:23 PM
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However, I will acknowledge people who notice my interesting socks/hosiery, which are--like, duh--totally markers of kinkiness/queerness to the right person.

So do you get people walking up to you and saying "Hey, you look like the kind of rad queer who would know about an all female, nudity mandatory sex club in Brooklyn!"?

What kind of socks signal this, exactly?


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:23 PM
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Long and stripey.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:24 PM
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279: You have incredible comments, Lucy. Want to see my etchings?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:25 PM
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Long and stripey.

Ribbed.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:26 PM
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For her pleasure.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:27 PM
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No, they just look down, then up, and say, "Nice socks" in a certain way. I have come to understand this sock thing signifies in ways I didn't realize when I started wearing odd socks. They were a gift from my ex, who traveled extensively in Italy, where all great socks originate.

Maybe I should take pictures of my sock collection someday. They're a little too sexy, though, for some reason I can't identify. (I used to wear knee socks with skirts, but I feel I'm getting too old to do it without looking absurd.)


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:28 PM
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But I know lots of women who wear long stripey socks, does that mean that they all...


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:28 PM
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279-

Agreed. I don't really understand the jewelry lines. Like I'm going to get into a conversation about a piece of jewelry? I guess I see asking someone out and hitting on a girl as different. If you're going to hit on a girl, hit on her. Not 'I really like that necklace you're wearing' but a version of 'That necklace you're wearing kind of makes me want to fuck you.'


Posted by: terpbball | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:29 PM
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I'm going home to look through my wife's sock drawer.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:29 PM
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I have lots of brightly-colored striped socks in clashing colors, but I barely ever wear them. There are several pairs of argyles in odd color combinations, one brown-and-orange pair whose argyle is turned 45 degrees (squares, not diamonds), and two pairs of thigh-high socks in loud horizontal stripes (purple and red, dark and light pink) with white flowers embroidered all down the outside of the leg.

I also have several pairs of blindingly colored tights. I love them.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:34 PM
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Acknowledging my socks/hosiery is like getting the hanky-code.

Man, I gotta get out more.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:36 PM
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I think I'm going out on a maybe date tonight.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:38 PM
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A girl gave me several pairs of emerald green socks, to match some shirts that she gave me. I still have them, but don't wear them now.

On a more cheerful note, my father always wore eye-punching red socks with a dark suit and ecclesiastical garb for the Christmas Eve service.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:38 PM
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296- Tell us about it.


Posted by: terpbball | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:39 PM
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296: Which one of you is unsure about whether it's a date?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:39 PM
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Anybody know if Darfur Now is a good date movie? Somehow I'm thinking no.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:39 PM
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Hanky-code?


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:40 PM
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I also have several pairs of blindingly colored tights.

Look at the crazy floating lady! Empty shoes clomping along beneath her!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:40 PM
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Hanky Code


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:41 PM
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296: Get a chaperone. Also, see comment #5. As to conflicts, you're on your own.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:42 PM
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Whoa. Weird. Just after I posed that, she called to confirm. So, I'm going out on a date tonight.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:42 PM
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305: Maybe she lurks.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:45 PM
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305- Ooook, so what's up? First date? What are you doing? How'd meet? Can't just say you're going on a date.


Posted by: terpbball | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:45 PM
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Don't forget to wear your magenta bandana.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:46 PM
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sock-dreams.com is your source for awesome and (sometimes) sexy long socks.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:47 PM
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magenta bandana hammock


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:48 PM
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So, I'm going out on a date tonight.

Have a wonderful time. I hope it goes great.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:48 PM
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Where by "your source" I obviously mean "my source". Though my current favorite socks are some over-the-knee plain black socks from Hue that do a splendid job of actually staying up.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:49 PM
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I absolutely agree that complimenting someone's clothes or physical features is stupid, especially as a pickup line, and I've never done it except unintentionally, but it seems to be a happening thing. Looking back, one of the things I should have done if I had wanted to be in the dating pool was to have made an occasional meaningless compliment here and there. for one thing, it seems to be understood as a signal that maybe you're thinking "that way".

And while I applaud women who are offended by compliments, I'm Mr. Anti-Relationship Killjoy.

My sister has beautiful blond very curly hair and she hates it. It's not at all versatile; she's got the fro, the dreads, and the tumbling curls -- otherwise she has ot laboriously straighten it. And she's a honky, so people assume that she's a country-western bimbo who pays money to get it that way.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:51 PM
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So, I work a couple shifts a week at this cafe--it's scratch for money but I love the place and I like to push a mop around while listening to good music. She introduced herself on Sunday and said we should hang out and suggested a local pub trivia night. The execution was so swift, I kind of doubted that it happened or that it was in nature a date, but the confirmation call leads me to suspect. I should brush my teeth or something.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:52 PM
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Woo date!


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:54 PM
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it's scratch for money

"Scratch" is money. The expression you (ie, I) want here is "pin money". ("Pin scratch", while innovative, would be wrong.)


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:54 PM
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314: Sounds like a fine lady worth romancing. Floss.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:55 PM
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Yay date!

So what are you going to wear?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:55 PM
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Woo! Go assertive Armsmasher-asking-out-chick! (But you shouldn't feel pressured to put out unless you really want to.)


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:55 PM
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I should brush my teeth or something.

And wash your down theres.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 3:58 PM
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You know, magenta thong, magenta bandana.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:01 PM
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magenta thong, magenta banana.

Only if the dye transfers.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:03 PM
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This lady knows how to move, 'Smasher. I'm impressed.

As for the non-invasive compliments: they're lovely, and I always say "thank you," but I rarely actually understand them as pick-ups. Because, yeah, this here is a really cool ring! And I like these shoes too, thanks! I got them at a thrift store more people should know about! This sort of conversation does not move any closer to intimacy, ime.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:04 PM
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Or if you have a bad reaction to the detergent.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:04 PM
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Hm, you know, thinking this through, she said that she likes to go to this trivia night a lot. She didn't mention anyone else but I could be going with her and her team tonight.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:07 PM
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Does that affect what you'll wear?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:09 PM
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I'll feel ridiculous sitting there in just thong and bandana if we're clearly not on a date!


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:11 PM
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325: She only wants you for your trivia. Her team is weak in the Art and Artists category.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:12 PM
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327: Definitely. You should add a bowtie and a bowler hat.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:13 PM
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I have a date with your gf tomorrow, M/M/.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:13 PM
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You're right. You'll have to bring along enough bandanas and thongs for everyone.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:14 PM
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325: Don't let yourself be pressured for sex, even by a democratic majority. It is your decision.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:14 PM
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330: Ah, so our clever plan is working!


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:18 PM
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Good pickup technique is also critical to winning the war in Iraq:

http://www.ejectejecteject.com/archives/000035.html

(warning, long...but completely serious)


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:18 PM
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209 is the most interesting thing.

I regret that I didn't try more of this in my brief single period. I feel like I would have made a good single guy, except for the part where you like being in relationships.

My opening line on nerve to my girlfriend -- described thereupon as a "sustainability consultant" was "It could LEED to something."


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:46 PM
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335: You realize that the rest of us are just waiting for Smasher to come out, right?


Posted by: SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:48 PM
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...but yeah, after reading the entry, all he had to do was say, "I'm sorry you have to go. I'd love it if you'd give me your phone number." He got stuck in a weird loop, made weirder by the fact that he had the game to talk to her in the first place.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:52 PM
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128: The canonical version (in some circles*) was: "Nice boots. Wanna fuck?"

[*] not necessarily in the right circles, mind.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 4:59 PM
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338: The magnanimous man has faith in the interpretive acumen of the ladies whose footwear he compliments.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 5:15 PM
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I just got asked out by someone who works in the mailroom at my college. She (hopefully, at least, and the handwriting seems to fit) put a note in my box saying

"Dear [mailbox number],
Your mail box seemed lonely without anything in it. P.S. Coffee?
-Mail man"

My response was basically WTF? And then hell yes! (I, of course, wrote back). It looks like I'm going to become very good about checking my mail for the next little while.


Posted by: the Other Paul | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 6:16 PM
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My opening line on nerve to my girlfriend -- described thereupon as a "sustainability consultant" was "It could LEED to something."

So nerdy awesome embarrassing sly nerdy.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 6:22 PM
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It is all about the opening line for online dating. My guy referenced one of my all time favorite episodes of the Twilight Zone (Time Enough At Last) when he read that I couldn't live without my glasses.

It is nerd love.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 7:31 PM
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During lecture I and a co-TA formulated more things along the lines of the one I wrote at catherine's blog, such as "if you don't sleep with me, Abraham won't have been the father of faith", and something that still needs to be put in final form but involves desiring to dance in the rose of the addressed person's cross.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 7:38 PM
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340 is so awesome.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 7:40 PM
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343: SO awesome.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 8:24 PM
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Well. That really didn't work out. I'm only home late because I decided to stay out carousing after that really didn't work out.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:58 PM
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Details?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:59 PM
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Details, 'Smash. Details.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 10:59 PM
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344 and 345 get it exactly right.


Posted by: the Other Paul | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:02 PM
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Hi late shifters! She showed up with a guy in tow, who turned out to be a guy she used to be in peace corps with but is now her drug dealer, or something; she was basically silly, and for the most part I wished that I were spending the pub trivia 1) with my friends, who had tables nearby, or 2) with my ex, who isn't ridiculous and with whom I probably shouldn't have broken up.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:04 PM
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Feh. That sounds annoying, but at least in some way entertaining.


Posted by: Jake | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:06 PM
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The whole contest thing has ruined Armsmasher's life.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:08 PM
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Good story, at least.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:08 PM
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I found out this weekend that the guy I've been slowly, respectfully courting over the past few months is, as it turns out, profoundly weird and undatable. So at least you only wasted an evening on her?


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:09 PM
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Weird and undatable how?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:10 PM
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The thing is: we didn't talk about anything of substance at all, and for the most part it didn't feel like a date. (What with Michael there, especially.) She's friendly but the night wasn't especially flirty, but at the end, she seemed enthusiastic about doing something again. She's downright gorgeous as all hell. It wasn't a bad night, but it wasn't my idea of a great date. So, she's just weird on first encounters, right?, and our first date date will go much better. Right?


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:11 PM
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355: Seriously weird interpersonal issues, possibly creepy and unsexy interpersonal issues involving paralyzing phobias. In any case, far too freaked-out and passive for me, without offense intended to any freaked-out and passive gents present.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:16 PM
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356: There is promise, aside from teh gorgeous?


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:19 PM
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I'm sure your date tomorrow night will go much better, 'Smasher.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:20 PM
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It seems like it's worth another try, but I'm guessing (with my vast, vast experience) that you shouldn't get your hopes up too much. If she did this on your first semi-date, then she's liable to do other troublesome things later on. Just go with your gut (mmmm, cliches).


Posted by: the Other Paul | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:20 PM
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That's not at all to say that you shouldn't go on more dates. Good luck.


Posted by: the Other Paul | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:22 PM
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with my ex, who isn't ridiculous and with whom I probably shouldn't have broken up.

So why did you break up with her? Apologies if that's too nosy or has been explained elsewhere, but, just curious. You're still required to answer either way.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:22 PM
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After winning the contest, 'Smasher was delirious with the offers of marriage proferred by elegant, rarefied, and utterly tanked DC society ladies.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:24 PM
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Speaking of seriously weird interpersonal issues, one of my exes is developing a habit of coming to visit me, staying in my bed, and then doing her damndest to set up situations involving her having to sleep on the couch so that I can get laid by some other girl. Then coming back into bed in the morning after said other girl leaves, only sometimes to have to temporarily go back to the couch when it turns out the other girl left her wallet on my floor, and then coming back to bed.

I can't figure out exactly what game is being played, but it is losing its charm.


Posted by: John Q. Adams | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:24 PM
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And maybe I missed something, but tOP, why did the "she" who put the note in your box sign it "Mail man"?


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:24 PM
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364: Have you tried asking her to stop doing this? Just a thought.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:25 PM
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364: She gets in your bed to do you, or to snuggle with you? If the former, you're somewhat implicated in this behavior, no?


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:26 PM
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366: spoken like a happily (married | connected) man.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:26 PM
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365: That's a very good question--maybe (if she is a she) she didn't think to use 'mailwoman'? I guess I'll find out more when I hear from the person. The results should be entertaining either way.


Posted by: the Other Paul | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:28 PM
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368: Sounds like he's getting plenty of action, it's just weird and unsettling action.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:28 PM
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367: The latter.


Posted by: John Q. Adams | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:28 PM
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370: oh, it always is, teo. It always is.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:28 PM
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365: Perhaps to indicate that she is quirkily androgynous and fun?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:29 PM
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It's only that I expected at the end that she'd say Thanks, G'night, but didn't--she was affectionate and expressed interest in doing something that sounded unambiguously date-like soon--that had me wondering whether this was more of a preliminary thing.

I broke up with the ex because I'd been dating in a serially monogamous way for too long and because at a certain point our talk about our status and future turned too intense, from my perspective. But, too late, I think she might be the right girl for me, and I don't think I can win her back now.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:30 PM
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Maybe she wants a threesome, John. Otherwise, it seems best to discourage it, or to make it clear that snuggling with someone you've done in the past is not free of erotic provocation. Is she just teasing you for her ego? Because that's stupid and she's not a nice person and seeing her at all is probably unwise.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:31 PM
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Let's hope so--that would fit with the note strategy, which was pretty great. (In my return note, I thanked her on my mailbox's behalf).


Posted by: the Other Paul | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:31 PM
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She is bisexual. There have been failed threesome attempts on her part in the past, when we were dating. And the most recent time the innocent bystander was the hot lesbian librarian from the Halloween party.

All that said, I'm thinking that it's probably the latter, as it's pretty obvious to everyone involved or acquainted with the situation that I'm still totally hung up on her.

It's really aggravating.


Posted by: John Q. Adams | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:33 PM
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374: She only knew you from the coffeeshop, right? She probably needed to know more than what you look like to know if she'd want to go out with you. Sly move, coffeeshop girl. Sly move.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:33 PM
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I broke up with the ex because I'd been dating in a serially monogamous way for too long and because at a certain point our talk about our status and future turned too intense, from my perspective.

Armsmasher is wicked dumb.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:33 PM
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But, too late, I think she might be the right girl for me, and I don't think I can win her back now.

Well, non-buyer's remorse can certainly be a major bitch. But seriously, if it felt too intense to you at the time, enough for you to want to end it, the in-retrospect realization that she must be "the one" is more likely than not, at least in my experience, not really real, just loneliness and happy memories and the like catching up with you.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:36 PM
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380: Or sexual frustration. Half of my exes seem like they might have been "the one" from my particular vantage point.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:38 PM
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Also, just because you're feeling all morose about your break-up and all doesn't mean you don't have to behave like a perfect gentlemaneunuch tomorrow night, punk.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:40 PM
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381: Yeah, there's that, and also lack of physical affection and intimacy in general, which I generally miss more than just the sex.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:41 PM
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And and just having that special someone around to be really nice to and ostentatiously thoughtful towards. That too is a big deal.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:42 PM
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I genuinely miss the sex.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:43 PM
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380–81: Maybe some of both; I'm not so lonely but of course I miss the relationship. Without a doubt she's just the most attractive person you'll come across. But I think that both of us, and certainly I, acknowledge that if the two of us were a little further down the road this breakup probably wouldn't have crystallized the way that it did. It's okay that it did.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:45 PM
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385: Oh sure. Of course. I just find I get more sentimental and moony about the other stuff post-breakup. Or maybe it's that I put horniness in a different box or something, one at least in some ways more easily satisfied.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:47 PM
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Wait, who is post-breakup, here?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:48 PM
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Sir Kraab has left M/lls for Armsmasher, who finds her silly.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:49 PM
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Ah. Well, that makes sense.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:50 PM
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one at least in some ways more easily satisfied.

Best jelly-roll baker in town.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:50 PM
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Smasher sounds kind of on the rebound.


Posted by: marcus | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:53 PM
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In any case, Sadbastardsmasher has a lot of 19th century landscape painting to analyze in the morning. These old dead white guys aren't going to talk about themselves.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:53 PM
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I'm just remembering past post-breakup moods, Sifu. Sir Kraab and I are still happily encoupled, pending the outcome of her date tomorrow night with that notorious on-the-rebound maneuverer, Armsmasher. I've called dibs on sleeping on the couch and cuddling with 'Smasher in the morning.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:53 PM
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I may be an old(ish) white guy, Smasher, but I resent being called dead.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:55 PM
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394: watch your back.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:56 PM
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397

I think most of my post-breakup recovery process goes:

1. What the fuck?
2. Well, he was a character.
3. Write limerick.
4. Begin bitter erasure of sexual fantasies based on hot things that happened, or else file away for long-distant usage.
5. Grumblingly enter dating pool again.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:58 PM
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398

396: But I'm too busy protecting my neck!


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:58 PM
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Someday you'll have to share some of these limericks.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:59 PM
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399: Over my dead body.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 5-07 11:59 PM
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4. Begin bitter erasure of sexual fantasies based on hot things that happened, or else file away for long-distant usage.

I recommend the latter. You never know when those videos could come in handy later.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 12:00 AM
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Over my dead body.

Doesn't seem like enough syllables, but anyway how does the rest of the limerick go?


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 12:01 AM
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Okay, must go to bed. Goodnight all.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 12:02 AM
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404

Me too.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 12:03 AM
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My post break-up process goes:
1.This isn't a real break up, it's a power-struggle/protest.
2.X is a reasonable and intelligent person; if only I could craft the perfect argument we could still have sex!
3.Obliviously X is not reasonable or intelligent! I've been tricked! X must have fallen under the influence of random villain Y.
4 Who the hell am I kidding, this happens every time, the variable is the girl, the constant is me. I'm clearly unsuitable for relations.
5.I won't let that bitch define my suitability! I will now have sex with an inappropriate person to demonstrate my suitability and judgment.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 12:08 AM
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65: My wife and I read that to each other in our wedding ceremony.


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 12:12 AM
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405 is funny.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 12:47 AM
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408

My post breakup process:
1. Dejected sobbing.
2. Undignified efforts to make the boy in question see what a valuable and worthwhile person I am.
3. Bitterness and resentment that he failed to appreciate my true worth.
4. Impetuous but short lived rebound fling.
5. More bitterness and resentment accompanied by melodramatic vows that I am never dating/having sex/looking at a boy ever again.
6. Entertain stupid thoughts about whether it would be possible to be friends with/sleep with/get back together with boy.
7. Remember that boy made me feel worthless.
8. Go back to step 5 and repeat indefinitely.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 8:40 AM
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409

406 to 405.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 8:47 AM
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I like these lists! My post-breakup process is as follows:

1. What the fuck?
2. If that asshole doesn't understand that I am the awesomest woman he'll ever get the chance to bone, he's just stupid.
3. Send angry emails.
4. Hang out with dude again. His motive: I want to be "friends" still, 'cause you're so rad. Mine: Let's have more sex, wherein I demonstrate that I am still the awesomest woman ever. Dude always too noble to fuck.
5. Get over it.


Posted by: m. leblanc | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 9:01 AM
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Mine is a combination of Di Kotimy's and m. leblanc's, that is, somewhere between angry and dejected:

1. Stunned silence as he explains why he can't be with me but is sure I'll find someone better
2. Sobbing as I try to persuade him that I'm the best he'll ever have
3. Bitter, broken-hearted withdrawal from society, because misery loves solitude
4. Total immersion in work, because that bastard may bring down my pride, but not my grades
5. Convince self that he was deficient for X number of reasons, including several dealbreakers like being a fan of Ayn Rand or voting for Idiotic Politician
6. Decide to rejoin dating pool in a much more selective way, this time listening to inner reservations about dealbreakers
7. Call up attractive male friends whom I should have dated in the first place but didn't due to timing reasons or sex/love goggles w/ Previous Dud, and complain loudly about loneliness and sexual frustration and how the Ex-who-must-be-replaced didn't appreciate my long list of awesome qualities (enumerate) and my awesome skills in bed (describe in elaborate detail). Ask to "hang out" for drinks.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 10:26 AM
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410: Hrm. Mine, in the past, has generally been:

(1) Sulk.

(2) Decide that I'm not really cut out for this dating thing, plan cat acquistions.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 10:32 AM
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Call up attractive male friends whom I should have dated in the first place but didn't due to timing reasons or sex/love goggles w/ Previous Dud, and complain loudly about loneliness and sexual frustration and how the Ex-who-must-be-replaced didn't appreciate my long list of awesome qualities (enumerate) and my awesome skills in bed (describe in elaborate detail). Ask to "hang out" for drinks.

I could probably work one like this in, too, but it would be more like "Call up attractive male friends whom I should have dated in the first place, complain loudly about loneliness and sexual frustration, express how thrilled I am that he is so happy now with wonderful girlfriend/wife he met while I was wasting my time with wastoid loser, drink alone."


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 10:35 AM
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413: like being a fan of Ayn Rand

That's a completely genuine deficiency.

In other news, Darfur Now is a surprisingly bad documentary but despite this, indeed because of it, is a surprisingly good date movie. If you're with the right sort of person.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 10:56 AM
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Darfur Now is a surprisingly bad documentary but despite this, indeed because of it, is a surprisingly good date movie. If you're with the right sort of person.

The wrong sort of person would spend most of it exclaiming "Omigod! I would LOVE to be so THIN!"


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 11:17 AM
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Funny because it's true.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 11:32 AM
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Call up attractive male friends whom I should have dated in the first place but didn't due to timing reasons or sex/love goggles w/ Previous Dud, and complain loudly about loneliness and sexual frustration and how the Ex-who-must-be-replaced didn't appreciate my long list of awesome qualities (enumerate) and my awesome skills in bed (describe in elaborate detail). Ask to "hang out" for drinks.

This one made me laugh out loud.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 11:37 AM
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Mine go one of two ways:
1) Cry.
2) Meh, okay, let's be friends.

or
1) Cry.
2) Obviously, you're a dickhead and I deserve a hell of a lot better, so fuck off.
3) Years later, we're friends.

The only constant is my complete lack of interest in trying to repair things once the 'I'm not in love' or 'I'm not sure' line comes out. You're not in love? Fine, either we're friends, or you need to get out of the way.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 11:42 AM
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(holding your hard hat before you like a supplicant's bowl) 'Scuse me? Say, can you move your car? You're parked right on top of a manhole that I gotta pop and get the inverts.


Posted by: W. Kiernan | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 2:08 PM
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420

The answer to the orginal question about an opening line is glaringly obvious: "Who wants to sex Mutombo?"


Posted by: Honigessig | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 3:00 PM
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420: that only actually works for Mutombo.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 3:01 PM
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422

1) Play Sid Meier's Pirates! on xbox
2) Put on funny hats that girl would never tolerate
3) see what tommy's up to


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 4:05 PM
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422: 4) Profit!


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 11- 6-07 4:13 PM
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420: well, if the answer is "yes" then you know the two of you have something in common.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 11- 7-07 3:20 AM
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