I disagree with the notion that jerking off to the dead violates some important principle having to do with the fantasized possibility of actually doing the person being jerked off to. What if one jerked off to pictures of people dead for decades? Is that disrespectful in some sense? Plainly not.
Also, Lohan needs a much more substantial ass to be convincing in a lot of those photos.
LL must have some pretty wicked sack to figure herself as MM.
That one is not allowed to masturbate to the dead is settled Unfogged policy, AWB. Your disagreement comes too late.
I saw the Lohan thing earlier today, and all I really have to say is great, great tits.
Well, that and contemporary hotties recreating Monroe shoots (remember Ashley Judd in her movie about Monroe) do serve to show that Monroe really did have a special allure.
In Dan S's original argument, he specifically said that jacking off to the long dead was a violation of "the hope masturbation represents." His examples were masturbating to James Dean, River Phoenix, Marylin Monro and Mary Todd Lincoln.
That said, he's still wrong. He's wrong because he is unwilling to embrace the sadness masturbation represents. Masturbation is always a sad act. And masturbating while grieving for the dead is fundamentally in keeping with the basic mores of the act.
If I may repeat conventional wisdom:
Ashley Judd as Monroe was sexier than any other impersonator (including Lohan) precisely because she had a different body type.
Are you implying that Lindsay Lohan is still alive? Why would you do such a thing? That's just sick.
Always already a sad act, rob. That said, you're right. Remember that masturbation's native home is between acts of crying.
Also: Rob, I think you may be doing it wrong.
For some reason I was thinking I was on the NY Times site and immensely surprised the NYT would be suddenly showing boobs.
Masturbation is always a sad act.
Jesus, y'all are a bunch of wet blankets. And I missed that thread because I was out of town at the time.
What about masturbating to the idea of a younger version of a now-repulsive person? I don't know that I ever have actually jerked it to the image of a dead person, but I'm fairly sure I've had some searing younger-version-of-celebrity fantasies. Is that disrespectful?
All I know is that nothing on earth is going to keep me from masturbating to these pictures.
Further to 11, it should produce a similar despair of impossibility, right?
For some reason I was thinking I was on the NY Times site and immensely surprised the NYT would be suddenly showing boobs.
They regularly show Kristal's picture.
I don't know that I ever have actually jerked it to the image of a dead person, but I'm fairly sure I've had some searing younger-version-of-celebrity fantasies
Is that really the correct phrase for a women? Do you really jerk it?
You must masturbate to those pictures. The power of Christ compels you.
Is that really the correct phrase for a women?
No. But all the euphemisms for women's masturbation are repulsive.
Masturbation is always a sad act.
Laugh, laugh, masturbate, la- cry.
all the euphemisms for women's masturbation are repulsive.
No no, I give you:
Turning the light switch on and off, repeatedly.
"Shaking hands with the little man in the canoe."
In the context of female masturbation, the absurd impracticality of "jerk it" supplies a healthy level of abstraction from any actual practice.
9 to 19
Women's masturbation, Standpipe, *women's*.
23:
AWB is suddenly shy?
What phrase do women use?
24: That is the worst one of all. Okay, maybe they're all horrible, but hearing a man refer to my masturbatory habit with a childish euphemism that attempts some kind of actual representation only makes me wonder if that man has any idea what actually would produce an orgasm.
In the context of female masturbation, the absurd impracticality of "jerk it" supplies a healthy level of abstraction from any actual practice.
AWB is uncomfortable with female sexuality.
26: Have been for several months now. No one seemed to notice.
Men don't actually pump it like a jack.
You can masturbate about those photos if you really want to, I guess. But I can't imagine anyone would.
27:
Make love, sweet love with yourself in a committed relationship.
27: Wait, I thought we were simply praising our favorite childish euphemism. If we aren't going to be childish, we're stuck simply saying "masturbation"
You can masturbate about those photos if you really want to, I guess. But I can't imagine anyone would.
What if one imagines Lohan doing that thing with the cup? Now that would be some worthy masturbation material.
What phrase do women use?
"Masturbating."
Hey, don't knock my hobby. At least it's sex with someone I love!
Well, now we know that Rob is faster with masturbation than Bitch.
You can masturbate about those photos if you really want to
Man, I ain't just gonna masturbate about those photos. I'm gonna masturbate around, in, and through 'em. Aw yeah.
w-lfs-n:
I almost think you are serious.
The difficulty is thinking of a phrase that wouldn't be such a turn-off that it would prevent said masturbation if I used it to describe what I was about to do.
"I'm going to go masturbate"? Depressing.
"I'm going to go flick the bean"? 100% turn-off.
"I'm going to go jerk off"? Fine. Neutral. No difference in arousal-state.
Sun-yi was not my daughter! Not even adoptive!
"I was just masturbating about that the other day."
B seems oddly unimaginative regarding the wondrous diversity of human sexuality.
LL is described as voluptuous in those pictures. Which makes sense if "voluptuous" is defined as the opposite of "cocaine waif."
I can't think of any euphemisms for masturbation that apply to women.
We may have had this conversation before, but is it the beginning of Robinson Crusoe or Gulliver's Travels where the narrator moves the proper name "Bates" and the title "Master" around for a while until finally forming, a paragraph or two in, the phrase "Master Bates"?
Which makes sense if "voluptuous" is defined as the opposite of "cocaine waif."
Which, when referring to Lindsay Lohan, is probably about right.
45:
rub one out? Lacks a certain beauty, but relatively accurate.
I can't think of any euphemisms for masturbation that apply to women.
Jilling, diddling, petting the pussy, patting the bunny. Just off the top of my head.
I can't think of any euphemisms for masturbation that apply to women.
Come on, I was just working the ones that I thought weren't a turn off.
"Parting the pedals"
"Patting the posey"
Ogged mirrors my first thought in 4. My second thought: Man, is she freckly. My third thought, she doesn't look much like Marilyn, but luckily she also doesn't look much like Lohan in those pictures.
"Parting the pedals"
"Petals," surely.
Also, LL has very tiny areolas.
I don't doubt they exist, I just can't think of any. Puts that kids' book Pat the Bunny in perspective.
Okay, regarding Ogged's 4, I really have to ask: why "great, great" tits? I mean, they're perfectly fine breasts, I'm not saying there's something wrong with them. But what makes them not only "great" but doubly so? Seriously.
I propose the word "eupheme" and its various forms as a wildcard all-purpose euphemism in cases where one can't or does not feel like coming up with a more specific one.
53: whatever.
They are easy to get confused when you are a bike-o-sexual.
I'm going to go indulge in a euphemism.
LL has very tiny areolas.
Perhaps not "very tiny," but definitely small, esp. relative to the size of her breasts. Is this what makes them "great, great"?
why "great, great" tits
Lighting, mostly.
Someone who knows no other words for "to masturbate" may have trouble reaching euphemism.
LL has very tiny areolas.
Perhaps bc the breasts are fake?
LL has very tiny areolas.
Perhaps not "very tiny," but definitely small, esp. relative to the size of her breasts.
Do you think this is a sign of surgery? I don't know the human diversity here.
For those who are having a little trouble thinking of euphemisms: http://www.starma.com/penis/pinky/pinky.html
Jilling off sounds like a good equivalent for AWB.
I suspect Rob's offerings are unlikely to gain widespread adoption among the spread-wide.
60: Yeah, I mean, I feel bad commenting about it except that here I am looking at a pretty shot of a naked girl and that was all I noticed. Also, she's seriously freckled. Which is cool, but weird in the black and white shot.
They hang pretty naturally to be fake. Not that I'm an expert in artificial mammaries.
I only had to get to "Airing the orchid" before I knew that the list linked to from 66 was great.
LL's boobs are quite obviously fake, especially in that shot that shows her hip-to-tits ratio being closer to zero than is actually possible.
54: Yuck. Who could get off while thinking that's what they were doing?
65: They hang naturally, so I was assuming airbrush in the one pic (they look normal in the other shots.)
You people are sending me over to AWB's side.
"Masturbating" is about the only acceptable term for a woman getting herself off.
I'm honestly not sure if they're real or not, but I can testify that hip to tits ratios can vary wildly.
"Checking for squirrels"
"Cleaving it to Beaver"
" Giving the fuzzy bunny a carrot"
"interrogate the boundaries"
Maybe "burning up the batteries" or "playing with myself." Other than that, the rest are too silly.
"Play with oneself" doesn't sound so bad. Perhaps other verbs would work too ("touch oneself" etc.).
I'm just saying, it's highly unlikely that 95% of one's bodyfat would just happen to settle in a couple of perfectly evenly-sized tits with tiny areolae, and that this would happen to occur to a young woman who progressed from being a child actor to an adult actor in Hollywood, who is not exactly known for her public commitment to natural living. She also has cheekbone implants, which are pretty much universal these days. You can see the outlines of them in any photograph of her that isn't under high studio lighting.
"Play the clitar"
"Playing the old one-key piano"
I see what you're saying, but it's also highly unlikely that someone ends up being 7 feet tall.
I was afraid this would happen. Y'all are grossing me out. I will never be able to jerk off again.
76: thereby heightening one's intertextuality.
ok, we have to stop. It would be wrong to deny white bears their right to self love.
I will never be able to jerk off again.
I think helpy-chalk's the main offender here. The rest of us are (mostly) just innocent bystanders.
"Playing the old one-key piano"
Or the mbira, maybe.
I also blame Rob for AWB's masturbation phobia.
84: Yes, but the child actor thing is a major part of it. It's not like she was discovered as an adult with perfect tits, the way a basketball star will be discovered as already being extremely tall. She had a career as a child that it was vital to hang onto as an adult. And breast implants are really really common these days for wealthy young women.
OTOH, if the implants look that good, they probably also didn't come with many of the side effects associate with augmentation, like loss of sensation, migrating implants, ruptures, etc.
I've forgotten what my point is, and it is midnight, so I must to bed. 'Night all. My sincere apologies if I put anyone off anything sexual.
92
Good point. If so, her plastic surgeon did a great job in not making them ridiculous as is all too common.
Whoa, the cheekbone implants are really obvious in Slide 6.
As for the breast implants (which I'm now basically convinced exist), they're damn good.
This may explain ogged's judgment on them as well.
Plastic Surgeon: So, what kind of implants do you want, Ms. Lohan?
LL: The great, great kind.
PS: Sure thing.
This thread is reminding me of a funny episode wherein two drunk girls in a bar in Charlottesville coined the phrase "going to Richmond" as a euphemism for anal sex. "I mean, sure, the butt is there. It's feasible to have sex there. But there's already a perfectly good vagina that's great for sex. Why go to the butt? It's like going to Richmond."
92: I think you're ignoring the huge number of child actors who *don't* keep up their careers as adults. You're only paying attention to this one who did.
95: The only reason I'm not 100% convinced is that according to internet pictures, the breasts seem to vary with the weight gain, and that they look very natural from the side. Still, what AWB is saying is probably logical.
Cheekbone implants weird me out. I realize it helps on TV and movies, but it seems too much like changing your face to me. Good thing I'm not a movie star.
97 is brilliant. Easily adaptable to other localities too.
I agree: skillfully executed implants, but implants nonetheless.
I had never even heard of cheekbone implants. Creepy.
98: Please explain your moon logic.
Wait, Stanley, don't your parents live in Richmond?
Oh for god's sake, people. I don't see why you feel the need to assume that anyone with breasts of size has fake ones. They don't look fake to me, or disproportionate to her body, and yes, of course women can have different size areolae, and women who haven't yet had children often have rather smallish ones relative to women who have. I was just wondering what in the world folks meant, specifically, by "great tits" other than "they're naked and you get to look at them."
103: Yes. I didn't share that anecdote with them.
I was just wondering what in the world folks meant, specifically, by "great tits" other than "they're naked and you get to look at them."
Large but well-proportioned.
104: Compel one to throw their hands in the air and yell "Great tits! Hooray!" Alternatively, approaching the platonic ideal of tits, perhaps approaching it asymptotically.
I'm perfectly willing to believe LL's tits are real, just as I'm perfectly willing to believe they're fake. I defer to expert opinion on these matters.
Large but well-proportioned.
Additionally, they are curvy and hang naturally without sagging.
102: Most child actors disappear once they become adults. Inevitably some small proportion of them will turn out to have perfectly-formed breasts as adults, in the same way as some small proportion of the general population do. LL could be one of those few, and you notice because she didn't drop off the face of the planet. Nobody cares about the rest. It's a selection effect.
The thing is, no surgery is that good. Implants only work when there's a good chunk of clothing over the top.
Alternatively, approaching the platonic ideal of tits, perhaps approaching it asymptotically.
No one thing can approach a limit asymptotically.
I'm really sorry I asked.
What were you expecting to hear?
No one thing can approach a limit asymptotically.
But there are two of them.
Also, as another point in favor of real, they seem to lay pretty flat when she's supine.
116: Yeah, that's the main reason I was assuming they were real at first.
But there are two of them.
Nor can any two things.
I know or have known women (about five, off the top of my head) with roughly the same proportions as LL, so it's not inconceivable to me. I also don't really care all that much; if she did get implants, it's hard to fault her when her career is going to depend entirely on looks.
114: Something about what people think is attractive, not an immediate discussion of whether or not the woman's had implants.
120: Which you (eventually) got in 106 and 109.
B, it's ogged. The reason he thinks they're great, great tits is the same as the reason the man rescued from the desert thinks it's great, great water.
Jesus Lohan looks rough in slide 4. Who thought that looked good?
110: That's a possible explanation, I think it's still a better inference that if a woman goes from a child actress to a regular actress and has an abnormally well-formed body the body didn't get that way by genetic luck of the draw.
126: We need to pick a prior and do a Bayesian analysis to be sure.
126: Why? It happens sometimes. The overwhelming proportion of child actors who don't succeed as adults suggests that some of them must have the right genes. I don't see that as affirmative evidence of anything. Some people just do have all the luck.
By contrast, I don't see any evidence of surgery. It seems a pretty objectionable suggestion to assume that she's had implants just because she turned out to have nice breasts.
We need to pick a prior
By just drawing it out of a hat, or what? Bayesians must be a funny bunch.
I curse you people for making me look through all those slides, but a) she looks like hell in several of those shots, and b) her tits look real to me. I had a girlfriend with nearly identical breasts (a little bigger, same aureola size, same natural hang) and they were unquestionably not fake. I will now weep over my lost youth.
I will now weep masturbate over my lost youth, in violation of established Unfogged policy.
Piñata is the preferred method these days, ben.
Those are so obviously real. I'm now convinced that this blog has been implanted in my mind by an evil demon intent on killing me with petty annoyances. As to what makes them "great, great," the fact that so many people think they're fake is one clue. They're a nice size: large but not gaudy, symmetrical, with pretty areolae, and they hang nicely without sagging. Great, great tits.
Will unfogged death/masturbation policy change in the future, when time travel (and concomitant temporal sex tourism) is possible? I hope so.
Is there a mechanism in place to verify compliance with the no masturbating to the dead policy?
135: God is watching.
Also, everything 130 says, down to the letter.
In Dan S's original argument, he specifically said that jacking off to the long dead was a violation of "the hope masturbation represents."
But what would fanboys do if they could not jerk off to Jean Grey or Kitty Pryde?
Or Jessica Rabbit even.
No one in history has ever masturbated to Jean Grey, Kitty Pryde, or Jessica Rabbit (the latter, other than R. Crumb). People may have masturbated to Famke Janssen, but who could blame them?
Wait until the unfoggedetariat spills the truth to you about Santa Claus, ogged.
the really great thing about the tits is that they aren't either missile-shaped or pancake-shaped.
140: I think I usually say 'spill the truth about Santa Claus'.
Yeah, nice tits. I stared at them for so long on GFY the other day that I forgot all about the dress.
Dunno about the fake/real thing though. Whenever I have indulged in nipple comparisons with my friends, it seems to be the case that large breasts have large areolae, small have small. I have a theory that all areolae start off the same size, and then just stretch accordingly.
And what's wrong with wanking? Works for everyone, has no unpleasant physical implications. Or are we supposed to be talking strictly euphemisms, and I've wandered over into slang?
Linsday Lohan would not seem nearly so attractive to many people if we were not constantly being offered more and more Lindsay Lohan-related content. If you put her in with the average group of co-eds going out clubbing, she'd fit right in, from breasts to cheekbones.
Also, I guess we won't have Fidel Castro to kick around anymore. Too bad he couldn't have held out for another year.
144 And what's wrong with wanking?
We had to leave a dinner party once because the host and assorted other male doctors decided to gang up on my wife (their friend) because she used the term wanking referring to women, in defiance of some perceived norm.
But they were all sorry later.
She looks gorgeous, but I was looking at them wondering what movie she was promoting with the photo shoot and then realized she doesn't have anything to promote right now, it's just a photo shoot. Which made me feel sad in a swirly fresh-out-of-'rehab', caught-up-in-fame, blinded-by-the-lights, Marilyn-exploitation kind of way, which ultimately makes them inappropriate for wanking I think.
Actually, I'll go against the grain and say that I think she looks pretty dreadful throughout that photo shoot and that the photos aren't very good.
She can look lovely, and I recall some earlier photo shoot linked here or on some other blog where she looked great.
Those photos aren't that.
This thread is reminding me of a funny episode wherein two drunk girls in a bar in Charlottesville coined the phrase "going to Richmond" as a euphemism for anal sex. "I mean, sure, the butt is there. It's feasible to have sex there. But there's already a perfectly good vagina that's great for sex. Why go to the butt? It's like going to Richmond."
This makes your email that we "should meet up in Richmond" that much more disturbing, Stanley.
Actually, I'll go against the grain and say that I think she looks pretty dreadful throughout that photo shoot and that the photos aren't very good.
Agreed. The photos are awkward, sterile, and haggard, in clear defiance of Lohan's pretty tits and lovely torso freckles.
Contrast with:
http://static.flickr.com/31/48016817_4dc4f8a65e.jpg?v=0
She looks totally orange and like someone I might actually see in Panama City during Spring Break. Is that supposed to be a more attractive photo? Because it is more overtly slutty?
re: 153
It just looks like a more natural and less forced photo. I don't think it's any more or less slutty than the other. And 'like someone I might actually see' doesn't necessarily seem like a bad thing. Whereas the recreation of the Monroe shoot looks unnatural, and slightly creepy to me.
It wasn't the someone I might actually see part I meant as negative so much as the in Panama City part. And that weird expression on her face doesn't look at all natural to me, but whatever I see what you are saying about how the other shots could come across as unnatural. She is made up to look like a famous dead woman.
I cannot stand that orange look. I'll take pale over that any day.
re: 155
I wasn't holding up the other shot as some amazing example of super-attractiveness and brilliant photography. But, for what it is, some photographer's attempt to deliberately mock up a 'holiday' snap [with the less than natural colour cast, the leg in the background, slightly gauche framing, and facial expression, etc] I think it works better as a piece of quasi-cheesecake than the fake-Monroe stuff which doesn't work either as cheesecake or as a piece of art.
ttaM is just trying too hard to be contrarian. She looks like a very pretty girl dressing up as Marilyn Monroe. Granted I saw a better Marilyn at a party here in January, but Lohan still does pretty well.
(Okay, slide 4 does look a bit cadaverous. But other than that, it's okay. Certainly most of the shoot looks better than that crap in 152.)
Per 49, "rub one out" is the official euphemism, as approved by Winona Ryder.
Agreed with nattarGcM. The quality of those photos is stifling my erection. Cry, cry; cry.
ttaM, Panama City is the metropolis of the Redneck Riviera.
As for the portraits, you are all nuts: Stern has done her a disservice and she (or the editors) has done Stern a disservice and everyone has jerked with poor Marilyn Monroe. Holding the sun in the palm of his hand Stern couldn't bathe Lohan's face with enough light to blast the shadows from under her eyes. Lohan's face strains from the comparison to Monroe. Lohan lacks the sophisticated whimsy as a model to take advantage of the props. She is not suited to the role. As for Stern I am sure he could achieve the same results with Tara Reid; it is not so hard with a staff of 20, an editorial budget as vast as this one, and a template to follow (let's not forget those lights).
But look at the missed opportunity! With the mistaken emphasis on color in those photos with the goofy chiffon flowers when the woman has skin with that looks like it has the texture of the moon. I am surprised that photographers do not find freckles irresistible, though, then again, magazines do not seem to find freckles irresistible.
In other respects I agree with Ogged's evaluation.
As for the portraits, you are all nuts: Stern has done her a disservice and she (or the editors) has done Stern a disservice and everyone has jerked with poor Marilyn Monroe. Holding the sun in the palm of his hand Stern couldn't bathe Lohan's face with enough light to blast the shadows from under her eyes. Lohan's face strains from the comparison to Monroe. Lohan lacks the sophisticated whimsy as a model to take advantage of the props. She is not suited to the role. As for Stern I am sure he could achieve the same results with Tara Reid; it is not so hard with a staff of 20, an editorial budget as vast as this one, and a template to follow (let's not forget those lights).
But look at the missed opportunity! With the mistaken emphasis on color in those photos with the goofy chiffon flowers when the woman has skin with that looks like it has the texture of the moon. I am surprised that photographers do not find freckles irresistible, though, then again, magazines do not seem to find freckles irresistible.
In other respects I agree with Ogged's evaluation.
This is where someone says "As a feminist, I prefer chicks with a little junk in the trunk. Right-on, sistaz!"
I'm with ogged on the tits, and smasher otherwise. also, as a feminist, I prefer chicks with a little junk in the trunk.
So, if we're not rubbing one out for Lohan, what *is* today's hott wank material? I've been waiting for a moment to watch this and that moment might come tonight. After I've played Scrabulous, of course.
Smasher is absolutely right about the photos. La Lohen is looking pretty ragged these days, which makes me very sad.
165: which order were you doing those things again?
168: Wow. "I'm not the kind of guy who would stab a woman to death and then rape her. I'm just the kind of guy who would come upon a corpse in the street and rape her. But in my defense, I just thought she was sleeping. In a pool of blood."
So, if we're not rubbing one out for Lohan, what *is* today's hott wank material?
Sudoku? FInishing the NY Times crossword puzzle in under 15 minutes?
The thing with the cup, Will. Duh.
171 is disqualified. No former wankers allowed. Only current players can comment.
Also, Lohan needs a much more substantial ass
Concur!
I suppose the point of the shoot was that Lohan is reasonably likely to turn up dead of an OD in six weeks, upon which all the media will reflect on the pix and go, "spoooooooky."
re: 165
A couple of years back, he was doing all the prep for his last TV series in a little theatre in Oxford. There was a show every night for about a fortnight where he was working out the new material before filming. Stupidly, I missed it as I only found out a few days before the end of the run.
168: An entry for Dan Savage's "How'd That Happen?!" files.
The breasts I like are always already superior to the breasts that you like.
Alternatively, the breasts I like are a will to power.
I thought the photos were cool, but mostly because of the props. Therefore Armsmasher gets it right.
Also her boobs are too big. And the tininess of the areaolas is suspicious, as asilon says.
Also her boobs are too big.
Get the hell off my Internet, you goddamned freak.
Anti-gamine-ists like ogged and Flippanter should not be led to believe they speak for all of us.
I scoff at the idea that Ned would kick LL out of bed on the grounds that her boobs were too big.
The yellow hair really does not do Lohan any favors.
181.--I agree. When she had that dark brunette hair, her look was much closer to a young Elisabeth Taylor, and I thought that worked rather well for her.
Lohan is very lovely, but 'smasher's right; the pictures suck.
I didn't know about the Anna Nicole Smith rule when I was a teenager -- I would have put away that picture of Mae West I was using.
183: No, but seriously, her boobs are not all that large.
There are guys in the coffee shop I'm sitting in right now with boobs as big as that. But do you see them featured in New York magazine? No. I blame the matriarchy.
A blond wig, some chiffon flowers, and the photographic possibilities are endless.
15-81: You are all horrible people, and I blame you all for my inability to use an eraserhead mouse without giggling.
Re:the matter at hand: The whole enterprise is sacrilege, but they do seem rather fake. 6 and 8 look okay, but 3 just looks weird, but what the hell do I know from fake tits?
I suppose the point of the shoot was that Lohan is reasonably likely to turn up dead of an OD in six weeks, upon which all the media will reflect on the pix and go, "spoooooooky."
Normally Lindsay Lohan just annoys me, but this makes me feel angry and sad on her behalf. Clearly she thinks that she was selected because some pervy old photographer thinks she's an iconic hottie, but clearly he's hoping for "Lohan: The Last Shoot" here. The fact that he didn't airbrush the crap out of her, as seems standard in fashion/celebrity photography these days, is a big tipoff.
Also, despite the rehab, she continues to be spotted in clubs with a drink in her hand. (I keep track of these things so you all don't have to, and I hope you appreciate the sacrifice.)
As if everybody else here doesn't keep track of that too, Magpie.
...clearly he's hoping for "Lohan: The Last Shoot" here.
That seems a bit unfair to Bert Stern, who is imitating his own "last session" photographs of MM.
190: They aren't flattering pictures of her face, which suggests that your reading is right. LL's very facially attractive in most pictures I've seen of her, but these seem to be intended to make her look haggard in comparison to MM. (If LL overdoses, does Keira Knightly have to replicate the photo shoot next?)
Kiera Knightley—now there's a star with fake tits.
What's more important is whether anyone can think of an attractive female celebrity with the initials JJ.
194: So fake they exist only in movie posters and Chanel ads, in fact.
195: Wayne Gretzy's wife Janet Jones?
Also, has Lindsey Lohan ever been romantically linked with whoever played Superman in the last movie? If not, why?
Jenna Jameson, ten years ago. Janet Jackson.
201: Don't bother me with trivial problems. Surely he must need a beard, whoever he is.
185. President Grant is spot on. You will take my Louise Brooks fantasies from my cold, dead...
Pete Townsend 1::0 Anna Nicole Smith
As I said above, the fact that it doesn't look like Lohan is a real plus. I've never found her that facially attractive. To add to that list: Scarlett Johansson. And 186 is right: not that big. I suppose they're enormous compared to Kate Moss, but so are mine.
No, but seriously, her boobs are not all that large.
What is the standard here? If they do not touch the top of your pants, they are not that large? Is that the standard on Unfogged?
They may not be too large, but they are certainly large.
There's some absolute v. relative to body size confusion going on here. I have no opinion about surgery, but they're quite unusual in relation to her slenderness in other regards. They're not unusually large absolutely.
I appreciate the junk, but why is none of it in the trunk?
If you say so. Maybe I know a lot of women with breast implants.
When she had that dark brunette hair, her look was much closer to a young Elisabeth Taylor, and I thought that worked rather well for her.
Whereas I've always thought that she looked best with her natural hair color and her natural coloration.
At least she's not orange anymore.
re: 207
My high-school girlfriend had larger breasts, on a more slender frame. I'm pretty sure people looking at photos of her now would automatically assume that they were fake. I don't think those proportions are really as unusual as all that. We're just inured to seeing the fake ones that we've sort of forgotten that in among the wide range of body types out there, there are people who just happen to fit with the body-type that plastic surgeons aim for.*
* Not really sure why I am adopting presidential anonymity here. Fear of boobs, mebbe.
210: Which hair color and coloration would that be?
Yeah, I didn't mean "quite unusual" as a sardonic way of "Oh please, no way they're real." But the combination of bone-skinny and big tits, while it's a possible body type without surgery, is an uncommon one. If you're talking about whether her breasts look big, they do, because on someone built like that you'd generally expect A cups. If you're talking about what size bra she buys, it's probably well within the ordinary range.
214: Common enough body type on the assumption that some mild airbrushing around the hips is going on. Bra size is probably around a 32D.
I guess we won't have Fidel Castro to kick around anymore. Too bad he couldn't have held out for another year.
I had that same thought (the second one). Whether it's HRC or BHO, how diminishing it will be to get outlasted by Raul Castro.
Upon peering through La Lohan's photo archive at imdb, I have discovered 1) that she's only 21! (eek), 2) that she really looks best with her natural, very pale skin and dark red hair, and 3) that all photos of her are either Sexpot or Naif: her face changes completely when she smiles naturally, and all of the makeup that goes with Sexpot looks really bad on her when she lights up like that. The Naif is much more attractive than the Sexpot, although the Sexpot is probably a more consistantly reliable image (Paris Hilton only has to strike one pose for the rest of her life!).
I hope we can at least agree that photo #4 is by far the most awful. And in that one the breasts are moot.
Now I am going to do something more useful, like eating chocolate or picking my pimples.
she's only 21! (eek),
She's that young? Rachet back my 'quite unusual' a notch then -- bone-skinny with big tits is going to be likelier on someone in or barely out of their teens, than on someone even a little older.
Not to be ungallant, but her complexion is not that of a 21-year-old.
he then placed cement dust and concrete from a nearby skip on Miss Bowman's body to conceal his DNA
I know the guy was drugged-out or whatever, but this really betrays a serious misunderstanding of how DNA evidence works.
But the combination of bone-skinny and big tits, while it's a possible body type without surgery, is an uncommon one
To be fair, "gainfully employed Hollywood actress" is also pretty rare, and I wouldn't be shocked to find that one correlates well with the other.
That black and white photo looks like the ones you see in women's magazine that Reveal Sun Damage!, not something meant as a glamor shot.
224. I can't understand what her agent was doing allowing that to be used. It's an enormity.
I merely came late to the thread and wanted to dissent from the ogged-led consensus that those are the greatest breasts ever.
Anyway, if they were, wouldn't someone have pointed out by now that the title of the post should be "Wrap Your Hands Around Those"?
Yeah, I'm not taking that as a data-point for or against surgery -- I couldn't tell you and don't care much if her tits are real or surgically altered. I was just trying to point out that both sides were being reasonable on the argument about how big her breasts were -- they're big enough to look unusual on her body (not bizarre, but out there on one tail of the bell curve), but not unusually big absolutely.
But I'm being dull. Everyone's right!
Random thoughts generated by this thread:
I agree with the Fug girls that Lohan is great (-looking, -acting), and it's a damn shame she's become such a fuck-up. Not surprising, but a shame.
Only a couple of the slides evoke MM in any but the most surfacey way. This isn't surprising, but is disappointing.
I certainly prefer more hips, but yes, the breasts shown in Slide 3 are great, great. A bit heavy, full, etc. I should probably go presidential for this, but my wife's pregnant right now, and her boobs look more or less like this - incredibly hot.
"Rub one out" is perhaps my very least favorite euphemism. Most of the rest are just silly, but I find this one to evoke nothing pleasurable, just something nasty to be taken care of. Yuck.
Oh, and cheekbone implants are creepy as hell.
Give how young she is, I'd say it's not so incredibly disproportionate. Maybe her hips got some photoshopped slimming; maybe the lighting emphasised the shadows in her cleavage; maybe she did get fakes, who knows?
Yeah, I'm not taking that as a data-point for or against surgery -- I couldn't tell you and don't care much if her tits are real or surgically altered.
I'll be oddly sad if they are, because there just is something wrong when a great-looking 21 year-old is having plastic surgery. But I think I'm turning into an old man on this and related issues.
Oh Christ, you know, I don't think there is any photoshop on these. The articles made a point that the shoot was done on film, not digital, and of course the freckles would have been toned down some, let alone some of the wierd upper-arm fat on photo 3 or 4. Hard to tell, and I swear to God I'm going to stop now.
Well, yeah, it is sad if that's what's going on. But regardless of LL's specifics, if you're going to be sad about that, that leaves you sad about a very large percentage of attractive young celebrity women -- even if LL hasn't had surgery, that's not a reason to think everything's fine on that front.
Only a couple of the slides evoke MM in any but the most surfacey way. This isn't surprising, but is disappointing.
Agree. Wasn't there a shot last year or so, in which several starlets were made up to look like the starlets of yesteryear? I think LL was Elizabeth Taylor, as suggested above. And Jarlet Johansson was MM.
Now that I am thinking more than one second per week about this, I am now creeped out by the idea of the magazine people forcing the people of today into the mold of the people of yesteryear.
I don't think there is any photoshop on these. The articles made a point that the shoot was done on film, not digital
That does not mean that the photos cannot be modified.
re: 232
Usually if stuff is shot on film it'll still be modified in post-production. Even workflows that start with film usually go through a digital stage before it goes to press and retouching was always done even in the days before digital.
There's books [now out of print] that cover retouching for both black and white and colour work in detail.
In fact, the classic studio portraiture of the 1930s and 40s, those iconic face shots of the great studio stars were heavily retouched.
I think the shot is straightforward, not enhanced in any fashion. However I believe that Lohan herself was built in a lab.
But regardless of LL's specifics, if you're going to be sad about that, that leaves you sad about a very large percentage of attractive young celebrity women
On reflection, it matters to me that LL apparently has talent, had a pre-existing fan base, and had some successful movies in her past. If all she had to offer was her attractive physique--like, say, that Showgirls woman--then I'd be much less bothered by the plastic surgery. If you're simply trying to monetize your attractiveness, then maximizing it seems pretty straightforwardly sane.
But, for example, I'd be just crushed if Jodie Foster came out wearing DD implants.
Can someone point me to an example of Lindsay Lohan's demonstrating that she has acting talent?
Can someone point me to an example of Lindsay Lohan's demonstrating that she has acting talent?
People always point to Mean Girls.
People always point to Mean Girls.
That's really more of an example of Tina Fey's writing talent, though.
Can someone point me to an example of Lindsay Lohan's demonstrating that she has acting talent?
Her Stanislavskian devotion to the role of nymphomaniac is well known to readers of Tyler Durden &c.
Sounds like someone is still stuck on the old version of Parent Trap.
Freaky Friday isn't proof enough for you? It's Lindsay Lohan portraying Jamie Lee Curtis trapped in Lindsay Lohan's body!
232: Weird upper arm fat?? Huh?
Remind me not to let Jackmormon ever see my body ever.
I found Mean Girls less fun than I'd been led to expect, but that's more the fault of the part where it turns into a PSA than of LL's performance. She's fine. (Actively talented, though?)
Weird upper arm fat?? Huh?
I think JM means the way Lohan's left upper-arm rests against her body in slide 3, which slightly disturbs the line of her arm. It's not weird fat, just the way she's holding her arm against her body, but I think JM is right that it would normally be photoshopped out.
And just as a general note, I can't really enjoy The Superficial and WWTDD anymore, since they're now almost exclusively feeding on young women struggling with substance abuse (like Lohan: coke, booze) or mental breakdowns (Spears) or body dismorphia (Richie). And the deathwatch subtext isn't even subtextual anymore.
I'm not even virtual fun anymore, I know.
She was good in A Prairie Home Companion. Nice singing, too.
239: I've seen "that Showgirls woman" in person -- here, oddly -- and she was quite attractive in an odd, inhuman way. Superhumanly smooth and even in all dimensions and pigmentations. In contrast, LL looks a great deal like the wholesome Irish-American girls of my hometown.
250: Heh. I'm so out of touch, while I knew the name as someone very famous, I had no idea what she looked like. I saw PHC and asked Buck if she was someone I should have heard of, because she was quite good.
I'm not even virtual fun anymore, I know.
Oh, don't worry about it, Ogged. We'll keep on loving you even if you break character for a moment of compassion.
I can't really enjoy The Superficial and WWTDD anymore, since they're now almost exclusively feeding on young women struggling with substance abuse (like Lohan: coke, booze) or mental breakdowns (Spears) or body dismorphia (Richie).
There's a widening gyre feeling to some of this. I'm sure it's because I'm getting older, but it feels like "the culture" is getting nastier.
249: I'm sure it probably would usually be photoshopped out. Along with the little wrinkly folds you get in the armpits. But it's not fat!
253: Try to think of how your recycling recovery looks to those fucked by our action or inaction.
But, for example, I'd be just crushed if Jodie Foster came out fell on me wearing DD implants.
Lohan's breasts are beautiful, the pictures dreadful.
I'm strangely pissed off at Stern for releasing the shots MM had x'ed out.
"Rub one out" is perhaps my very least favorite euphemism.
The laddishness of "rub one out" is why it's my favorite. I imagine some bloke saying "Cor! I'm going to go rub one out!" and that makes me laugh.
In the absence of anything very sexy in the Lohan pictures, I think 'Smasher and Magpie pretty much get it right.
Er, sorry, Blume. AWB once remarked that I had a kind of a wierd projective anorexia, and I think that's likely true.
She was good in A Prairie Home Companion. Nice singing, too.
Boy did I loathe that movie.
254: Right, it feels like a race to the bottom.
262:
I was disappointed too. Absolutely no nakedness in the entire movie!
Right, it feels like a race to the bottom.
Back to heebie, again?
264: Yeah, not even when the old guy died! They could at least have shown some stuff in the morgue.
he-he i thought Ogged would say something like leave Lindsay alone
i was wrong and am kinda glad
Right, it feels like a race to the bottom.
Exactly, but it also seems like both sides of the camera are playing. I've never heard anything about Ann Hathaway, I've seen a few normal person shots of that Heroes woman. And then there is this other class of celebrity: Lohan, Brittney, etc. It really looks like a market niche for self-destructive celebrities.
I can't really enjoy The Superficial and WWTDD anymore, since they're now almost exclusively feeding on young women struggling with substance abuse
You say "struggling with," I say "embracing with both arms."
More prudent celebrities, please!
268 is right. It's a vicious circle that both sides don't particularly come out of well.
Still, a lot of the people actively pursuing that celebrity are probably not best placed to make rational decisions about their own lives and are going to suffer for it later.
That said, the press pack can be absolute bastards, and I imagine it's quite easy to get sucked in and then find yourself [the celebrity, I mean] in a situation you didn't expect.
Yeah, the self-destructive behavior has been around forever -- the degree to which it's marketable publicity seems to be changing. Which of course makes it more appealing for the self-destructive celebrities. Eventually they'll all probably evolve into some lifeform entirely unaffected by cocaine.
Aren't paparazzi, like other aspects of the mass media entertainment economy, inherently populist? Aren't we supposed to deplore the efforts of the rich and powerful to control the press?
I just rewatched L.A. Confidential the other night. Insofar as Ellroy's fevered imaginings of Sid Hudgens accurately depict 1950's LA, things weren't better, though possibly more of a niche market.
Yeah, if there's a difference it's less in the actual behavior of the celebrities than in the public appetite for seeing them burn themselves out.
275: I don't understand this. But then again, I don't understand the public appetite for `celebrity', and never have. I don't care a whit, so can't really understand why others do. I realize an awful lot of people do, though.
Lohan was good in Bobby, which also featured a rare watchable turn for Shia LaBoeuf of all people.
I tuned out of The Superficial ages ago for exactly the reasons in 149. In general the Internet is a great amplifier for the very worst in paparazzi culture.
274: I started reading his The Big Nowhere last night and in the first 15 pages or so there's a corrupt ME's assistant trying to rent out morgue photographs of the dead starlets Lupe Velez and Carole Landis "for five bucks a throw."
re: 278
Ellroy has long since jumped the shark (in my view, anyway), but that relatively early stuff in the LA quartet is just great.
You'll mean what I tell you to, Slack.
for exactly the reasons in [2]49
Another young, black plagiarist.
Now you know why they're all so articulate.
that relatively early stuff in the LA quartet is just great
Woo White Jazz!
Woo White Jazz!
Seconded. I prefer it to The Black Dahlia and The Big Nowhere, and like L.A. Confidential only a little bit more.
Perhaps I'm alone in this, but I liked American Tabloid and The Cold Six Thousand, the former more than the latter.
Here, Ogged, are these "great, great" breasts, or "great, great, great" breasts? Great^2 or Great^3?
Because we need some benchmarks, if we're to master this breast notation of yours.
288: My ex-girlfriend, who had an eerie resemblance to Heidi Klum
I love breasts like I love America (i.e., slightly more than I love candy, slightly less than I love Jesus).
And those are great, great breasts.
2 points on Ellroy and then bed as I am on 90 min of airplane sleep + visiting Grandma in hospital:
1. Manohla Dargis has a great little BFI Film Classics book in which she ably champions LA Confidential as the superior LA noir to Chinatown.
2. Cold 6000 is unreadable. Around White Jazz, Ellroy's sentences start breaking down or loosening up. American Tabloid reveals that the propulsive thread keeping his stories moving despite the breakdown is bile, but there's still enough story and sentence to make it riveting. By Cold 6000, it's 100% bile, and very little sentence left.
Manohla Dargis has a great little BFI Film Classics book in which she ably champions LA Confidential as the superior LA noir to Chinatown.
LA Confidential was a good movie. I'm not sure it was even a very good movie. Cripes. Just crazy.
ably champions LA Confidential as the superior LA noir to Chinatown
Chinatown was one of those Great Movies that I watched & was like, "huh? what's so great here?" (All-time champion in that category: Blow-Up.)
LA Confidential was not a Great Movie but was more enjoyable than Chinatown.
Manohla Dargis has a great little BFI Film Classics book in which she ably champions LA Confidential as the superior LA noir to Chinatown.
Cough faint praise cough.
The BFI Film Classics book about Michael Mann's Heat is pretty good, though.
295, 296: Obviously, you're both drunks. You should hang out together.
I concur about Blow-Up, too, but I'm clean.
290: I agree completely. I'm sure that the photos are not quite real, but wow! nonetheless.
292 exactly.
Cold Six Thousand was the moment when I'd had enough. Couldn't even finish it.
That seems a bit unfair to Bert Stern, who is imitating his own "last session" photographs of MM.
That's part of why I think he's exploiting her personal problems. By the time the last MM session was done, I'm sure it was well-know (or as widely-known as these things were at the time) that MM was going to completely self-destruct sooner rather than later. Doesn't exactly make him look like a stand-up guy.
297 is right, but DOA is probably my favorite noir or noirish movie. More SF than LA, though.
I've only seen D.O.A. (1988), and I'm betting you're not referring to that one.
I didn't like it that much though. What's with the goofy music?
"The Glass Key" and "Kiss Me Deadly" I liked a lot better.
You can get it for free. I've read The Glass Key but haven't seen a film version. It was ok.
On this Chinatown/ L.A. Con. "argument", compare John Huston and James Cromwell and I think it's obvious which film is better.
Cold 6000 is unreadable.
I made myself finish American Tabloid, but I didn't get a chapter or two into the Cold 6k before saying "Fuck it. Life's too short." Which is a shame, because when Ellroy's not trying to hector the hell out of the reader he's a pretty good writer.
One of the amazing things about Ellroy is that he writes every novel in longhand first. In ballpoint pen. And it's all total chicken scratch.
re: 307
Yeah, exactly. It [Cold 6K] read like a piece of bad self-parody. All the stylistic quirks of his earlier work amped up to the point that it begins to complete obscure everything else.
He is a very weird man, though. I watched a documentary about the Black Dahlia that was on BBC in which Ellroy explored the real life case and was struck by just how odd he really is [something I supposed I should have known from My Dark Places].
No one in history has ever masturbated to Jean Grey, Kitty Pryde, or Jessica Rabbit (the latter, other than R. Crumb).
Not spent much time in the netherregions of comics fandom then? (NSFWor Anwhere, really)
Lindsay pwn'd? Am I using that word correctly?
Photographer Bert Stern, the now 78-year-old most famous for getting Marilyn Monroe to strip on film six weeks before her overdose on barbiturates (then going ahead and publishing contact sheets Monroe had exed out with red marker), suggested a much less revealing homage for the mag. A rumor from the very closed set suggests Stern dangled the possibility that the nudes would be displayed only in a museum or as part of his book and that the tamer shots would go to New York.
Stoned girls are easy to trick. I mean, so I hear.
FYI, they've now posted 4 more images they call "outtakes" in the NYMag's slideshow. I know this from Jezebel, where they were comparing LL's spread to the SportsIllustrated swimsuit edition, to see which was "smuttier."
And although I don't care and don't really like to see boobs dissected and judged like this, slide 12 makes me call "fake." The left one looks...square, somehow? at the edges. But maybe it's the lighting or the position, and not an implant at all.
LL's vagina, OTOH, is by all accounts very real. Ask practically anyone.
