I skipped a presidential administration and a half in between relationships, but I recall my last boyfriend's friends as being awkward, at best. The guys all looked at me in "that way," and the girls all looked at me in the other, because I was dating their adoptive puppy "just friend." Of course, that was college, and we were all dumb fucks.
Fast forward to now, and in my late twenties and his friends in their thirties, things are actually sociable and civil. At least, there's things to talk about, now that after college we've all acquired enough human and social capital to have something to talk about. I have to resist the urge to ask weird questions about what superpower they'd rather have, but I have learned that saying "oh, that's interesting" when they tell me about their work is the way to keep the conversation going, albeit in a boring way.
Oh and dude, I so owe you an email. I have been moving and I am but a lowly student. I'll do that right now.
how have y'all managed with a new date's friends?
Seems rude to manage with them with the date sitting right there, but hey, if she's game.
I'm petulant enough to sit in silence next to someone that I'm resentful I'm being forced to socialize with.
Kinda like bpl's current ex?
Okay, but seriously, this shouldn't be that hard. You can talk a little bit about the person you have in common (your date), preferably in a little bit of a joking vein--"so, tell me so-and-so's secrets." Generally a good ice-breaker and a nice test of mental whateverness. You can talk about whatever's at hand--the music, bars in general, etc. For the next year, you've got the damn election to talk about, for heaven's sake. In the bay area, there's the "so where are you from" question.
My favorite is always to bond with the friends by teasing the date, though. Works a charm.
Also, anyone who *can't* talk to the friends of the person they're dating is a bad dating prospect. Jeez, Ogged.
I have to say, Oggleboggle, that I admire you for having the strength to use awkwardness as a weapon. The dude has it coming and you should make him cry. Ask for his advice about extravagant sex.
5-- see, B and I agree. "So, the first time we did anal..."
A new date's friends? I steadily and relentlessly befriend them, so that if we break up, they are all bummed to lose me.
A new date's ex? I've been in that situation enough to have a lot of empathy for her. I don't force myself on them.
9: Then why are you asking the question in this post, you freak?
Anyway. BPL's ex totally deserved you to be mean to him by shaking his hand. And later blogging his bad behavior.
11: He probably just wanted the excuse to post "I can't believe you were stupid enough to invite him." That's hilarious.
I always get along famously with my dates' friends. In fact, I usually get along better with his friends than I do with him. This creates a different sort of problem.
If anything, BPL's ex should have said "I'm hurt you invited him." That might have some chance of having his desired effect.
Having had messy breakups in which I had to say goodbye to his parents, his little brother and then split up mutual friends, and even the family dog, I no longer want to be _that_ integrated into my SO's life unless we are really in it for the long-haul and have already made some sort of life-long commitment, so why the hell not.
I am friendly with the SO's friends, but I do not exhange numbers or emails unless it is natural to do so. I don't hang out with them without the SO either. They're his friends first, and I am not one to purposefully divide loyalties, even if I could get them to go my way.
If they happen to like me better, cool, but it says something if you meet the SO's friends and think that they are so much better than your SO, that's another relationship issue.
Meh, on second read-through, I realize Ogged isn't asking for advice, he's just playing the "anecdote followed by "share your experiences"" game.
I've always gotten along great with the friends of the folks I've dated.
About 10 months after BR and I started dating, my ex-fiancee got married. BR and I brought her kids to the wedding. (They were/are like my own kids.)
The second we got there, BR went back with my ex and her sisters and helped my ex get ready. They got along fabulously. (Later, we hosted a baby shower for the now-married couple.)
The ex's sister and BR are now really good friends.
As far as me, at the wedding, a groomsman came over to me and told me that he wanted to take me outside and kick my ass. I laughed at him and his friends pulled him away.
I should mention that my crazy ex-wife's parents LOVE BR also.
Hey will, ex-fiance is separate from ex-wife, I'm assuming. How did you come to decide to separate from your ex-wife? I'm pointedly curious in ways that would generalize to my brother.
Yeah, HG, your bro/SIL situation is similar to mine.
I avoid this problem by only dating women who have no friends.
20:
It was a long time coming. The breaking point came when she woke me up to scream at me about nothing in particular and then told me her parents were coming over. (Around 1 am.)
Email me
but, yes, heebie ex-fiancee and ex-wife are different. ex-fiancee is a still a very close friend.
There was one friend of an ex who was apparently pissed off that we'd got together, because he'd "seen me first"! (Yeah, this was a while ago, but not actually kindergarten.) I had indeed met him first, and I hadn't liked him then, so that didn't endear him further. We never got on. Most of that ex's friends I got on very well with and enjoyed doubling my social circle in one swift move. Not that we stayed friends afterwards. Especially not when I got married 6 months later.
C's friends were all weirdos and he's appalling at staying in touch with people, so he (basically - not in a cold-hearted fashion) dumped them and adopted mine. Who were all rather suspicious as they'd loved the above-mentioned boyfriend, but came round.
I steadily and relentlessly befriend them, so that if we break up, they are all bummed to lose me
... and keep telling her how great a guy I am.
I've usually been in either ski-bum circles (talk about mountains) or academic circles (talk about work). Either way, it's easy to charm everyone.
Really, it's worthwhile to befriend them. It's often kindof a dick move to become better friends with them than SO is. Of course, sometime you want to pull a dick move.
I very much want the friends to like me. I work at endearing myself.
Of course, sometime you want to pull a dick move.
On your date's friends? See 'smasher's 4.
I think a boyfriend's friends are really the ideal new social circle, more so than new-colleagues or new-schoolmates or new-activity-partners or whatever. You're pre-vetted and -approved, most of them already only know the nicest things about you (bc of BF's bragging), none of them are trying to fuck you (which takes so much of the pressure out of friendship-making) though they aren't writing you off as asexual, and everyone is predisposed to treating you nicely as long as you make BF happy. It's the most intrinsically pleasant new social situation I can imagine.
27: this is true. I do want to be liked and befriended to the point where they ask "us" to hang out on future occasions.
I refrain from becoming BFF out of respect for the SO's boundaries and because I am never that optimistic about relationships, even when they go well.
He probably just wanted the excuse to post "I can't believe you were stupid enough to invite him." That's hilarious.
Truly hilarious. I laughed, and I was just then fuming after a spat with my wife.
It was also kind of funny because you're in your mid-30s, right?, so I imagine bpl and her pals being around that age, and then here's this guy who's like 14. Scram, kid.
none of them are trying to fuck you
And more importantly, none of them think you're trying to fuck them. When making cross-gender friendships, having a BF to point to is really socially lubricating.
I love my friendss wives. It is a fabulous situation where everyone knows there is no fucking on the horizon. Plus, my friends have great wives.
And quite frankly, they are really good at determining which women are good for me.
She said she wasn't bothered if I wasn't bothered
i don't know, sure i wish you only good and all
but imagine yourself in his place and her saying that about you
i don't understand why she needs to invite both of you
sorry sorry sorry i know i'm terribly rude
as for me i always kept the friends' circles separate
even my own friends sometimes hardly know each other
I presume she's not actively inviting this guy anymore, but he is still always showing up?
Read, I'm with you. I used to think it was cute for everyone to get along and be friends.
But, again, having been on the other side of that a fair amount, I now think it is kinda childish for the fulcrum person to insist on ex and new spending time together. How much attention does that person need?
(Yes, yes. The ex has primary responsibility for managing her feelings and the situations she is willing to put herself in. But. It sucks to be surprised and confronted with the reality of it.)
It was his band they went to see. Of course Ogged knew he'd be there.
Read the post. The ex was in the band that was playing. Ogged's bpl went to see the band, and brought Ogged, her new guy, along. Which makes perfect sense, since presumably everyone at the bar was basically a fairly big part of her circle of friends. What's she going to do, just never bring Ogged to anything?
Man, you sound like a real peach.
Luckily, I got through this stage when I was young and energetic. And I actually cared about other people enough to try to figure out what they cared about.
Now that I'm a burned out old man, I just spent a night at a school even looking glumly at other fathers I know unable to think of anything worth talking about.
It's not all that outrageous to expect grownups to behave like grownups.
At some point she has to bring Ogged. It is ok to give him some space at first, but Ogged and bpl have been together for a long time now.
Oh so this guy is not as pathetic as I thought.
Maybe his head-in-hands routine is how he usually gets girls. Different guys in bands have different personæ, but they all get girls, ogged.
I feel sorry for ex, I admit it. Primarily because I have a good friend (and former boyfriend) who tends to act just that way while feeling horribly ashamed and unable to help himself. (And there certainly have been a couple of awkward good-friend-meets-current-item scenes, but not for many years)
Separate social circles, though. Gives you something to talk about and some low-stakes gossip/being-ruthlessly-judgmental material. Also, it's great not to have to like people, and you don't have to judge significant other on his/her choice of friends. And the squares will think you're some kind of keee-razy swinging bohemian if you "allow" your boyfriend to spend time with his friends without you, particularly if his friends include single people-of-whichever-gender-is-attractive-to-your-boyfriend. At least out here in the great plains, this is apparently a marker of incredible counterculturality.
On the other hand, I do like very much being friends with significant others' exes and my various exes' significant others. It makes me feel charming and generous.
ok then
but if her ex would be all cheerful and friendly i would think he's a robot or something
so it's a natural reaction and just have to wait to become friends with him and the band may be
if i were you i would just refuse to attend the show
but that's me and it's not right of course
Generosity towards other men is a lethal weapon in trained hands.
I admire you for having the strength to use awkwardness as a weapon
Please don't propagate this strategy. I have enough trouble dealing right now with some passive-aggressive grad students who see this as their main interactive/intellectual weapon in life.
I don't mind at all when people I've started dating run into my exes, usually. They tend to respect each other, at least. But my exes tend to stay friends with me until the moment they start dating someone new, when they will do just about anything they can to prevent us from meeting, including cutting off all contact with me. They tend to blame the new GF, who is just way too jealous to tolerate my friendship with the BF, but when I suggest fixing it by introducing us, it's rejected.
The thing is, I like my exes' new GFs, as long as they're kind to the exes. And I'm not intimidating; they usually go on to date much hotter and more charming women than me. What I suspect (and it's been suggested by a few) is that a dude can't tolerate the possibility that New GF and Old GF might have a conversation about him. Is that what's happening here?
What I suspect (and it's been suggested by a few) is that a dude can't tolerate the possibility that New GF and Old GF might have a conversation about him. Is that what's happening here?
Yes.
I tend to always get along with the friends of a new girlfriend, probably helped a lot by the reasons in AWB's 29. There's not much reason you shouldn't, unless the friends are part of a group that are just difficult to get along with (most recent ex had a group of not-so-close friends who were all consultants or marketing workers and the such, but just really really boring).
Making exes cry may be a worthy endeavour if they're jerks, but I've never actually been introduced to them. I'm just the ex that gets to meet the new boyfriends, but I rarely meet the old ones. Except for that one time I was roommates with the ex-boyfriend. And almost made him cry. That was a strained roommate relationship.
but if her ex would be all cheerful and friendly i would think he's a robot or something
I think that's the idea: he's supposed to behave like a robot. Since he's not, if I were him, given that he's upset, I'd ask bpl not to bring the new boyfriend to gigs, and if she protests, I'd ask her not to come to gigs either. But this depends a great deal on the nature of their past relationship and breakup.
And it depends even more on the nature of their extended circle of friends: I've certainly dated and broken up with someone in my extended circle, and it would have been absurd to insist that we never be at the same events thereafter.
47: You know, I never really considered that, because I would never have that type of conversation...whether the creepy "and he's soooo ticklish!" type or the "and it's so annoying when he leaves all the library books under the bed" type. Too sordid.
Mostly my exes go on to date people very much like me but more feminine and nurturing. This makes me feel validated, since they're just like me except with characteristics I don't really want to have. I was particularly gratified that the Handsome Musician Ex dated a series of fat chicks and then married one of them, thus proving that he actually thought I was cute.
bpl needs to look before she leaps. Beware the Oriental fantasy.
Bpl is in a tough position, but her ex needs to grow up.
Usually I've managed find with a new date's friends. In most cases this was because I tended to date within my social circle or just on the edges of it, so everyone already knew everyone.
The times where it's been awkward have been not with the date's current friends, but his old friends. E.g., the college boyfriend's high school friends. who not only were likely to have less in common with me, but were likely to be from a time of his life where he wasn't the same person who I was dating. This has been true also of meeting the high school buddies or post-college buddies of a college buddy.
if her ex would be all cheerful and friendly i would think he's a robot or something
Nah, that should only be the case if it was a really rough breakup initiated by her. After mutual breakups, or if he breaks up first, he should really be at peace with his decision and willing to suck it up even if she moves on first.
47: I have no such fears at the moment, but I may stop introducing exes if any more situations happen like when I had a party attended by a sort-of ex (we really liked each other, saw each other as often as possible, but things were just never settled enough for us to actually date). Later, upon my mentioning the sort-of exes brother as "M's brother", then-girlfriend put the names together and went "M? Is that the girl you used to fuck?" with some real vitriol at the end. She did not take my cheerful "Yeah, why?" very well.
This has been true also of meeting the high school buddies or post-college buddies of a college buddy.
Cala, this could be its own discussion. When the person you knew in college isn't quite the same as the person who's working now, do you find that your old self and your buddy's old self are able to remain friends--even if you don't all hang out together?
From Texas, I once sent an ex, who was a grad student at Berkeley, up to meet a different ex, who lived in northern Cali in Arcata, to purchase pot. I couldn't believe that they didn't find the transaction incredibly awkward, but hey. Some people really love the hell out of pot.
You should have just said "Ex 1, go see this gay guy in Arcata to get pot". And "Hey Ex 2, I told this gay guy from Berkeley to get pot from you."
55: In most cases I only see my college friends at other college friends' weddings, so it's enough of an artificial party atmosphere that we all act as though we're still in college, with nothing having changed except everyone being a little fatter and some kids. Were I to see them more often, I think the changes would be harder to deal with.
(Even good changes: my best college friend used to call me for advice about his love life, including a couple of midnight sobbing phone calls when [Evil Girl] broke his heart. He's married now. That role I used to fill no longer exists.)
Then they'd be like, "Why'd Heebie date all these gay guys?"
54.2: No, no. You have to collect those momens, because they make great stories later. My boyfriend has a ton of those stories, and it's fun to joke around about them, e.g., him: "I had dinner with A last weekend." Me: "A? Is that the girl you used to fuck?" Him: "Used to?" Etc. Serious entertainment.
Petulant McEmo makes me wonder about bpl's taste in men.
For myself, my girlfriend has some pretty strange internet friends but otherwise thumbs up.
I did have an ex implement a pretty serious friend stealing scenario, that was annoying. But she was particularly scheming, and I'm better off rid of those friends.
I did have an ex implement a pretty serious friend stealing scenario, that was annoying.
She needed a kidney tx or something?
I'll confess that I think I hugged Sifu's gf once. If I didnt actuall hug her, I wanted to hug her.
You mean you hugged her in your heart?!? That's much worse.
61: that is a very awesome name. I am going to start calling guys I know that.
I tried to get Heebie to grab sifu's gf's butt, but heebie got soft on me.
He hugged her, and then he photographed her.
62: psychologically, pretty much yeah.
66: heebie missed out.
I misread "Petulant McEmo" as "Petulant McElmo."
"Petulant McElmo want 'ooty! Why Elmo no have 'ooty?"
He hugged her, and then he photographed her.
And she liked it, sifu! Go cry into your water now!
Petulant McEmo makes me wonder about bpl's taste in men.
I don't know about that, but it does seem weird to me that the ex- and the new boyfriend would be brought together in full knowledge that the ex would be pretty upset. But who knows, maybe the ex-relationship was totally a passing thing that the ex should really not be emoting so over. Hard to say.
good point parsimon. Maybe she brought Ogged to give a clear signal to someone who had not gotten the prior signals.
Him: "Used to?"
Unfortunately, M now has a boyfriend, so I can't use this response. And B, that joking is only fun if the person you're joking with doesn't hate you later!
joking is only fun if the person you're joking with doesn't hate you later!
If she doesn't laugh, it was never meant to be, Po-Mo.
If she doesn't laugh hate you later, it was never meant to be, Po-Mo.
Mostly my exes go on to date people very much like me but more feminine and nurturing.
For some reason I was thinking this was written by a guy, and thought it was funny (and good). But I'm glad that it works out well for Frowner anyway.
I've never had to interact with any of my wife's exes (except for her HS ex, who barely counts 20 yrs later, and besides, she's really close to his wife; and except for our wedding reception, where I was civil to her final ex for 5 minutes). But I've said a number of uncharitable things about them to her, largely because they didn't appreciate her enough (why they're exes, obvs.), but also, frankly, b/c my Bad Old GF was the immediate ex in my past, and she made our lives occasionally miserable for probably 6 months. That gave my now-wife plenty of room to bitch about the Bad Old GF, and while I readily agreed, I still wanted a little giveback.
I gave up nearly all the joint friends in the Bad Old GF breakup, so I was plenty ready to make new friends. Wife-to-be was newish to town, so these weren't her oldest friends, which probably helped. Also, we're in allied fields, so there was plenty of commonality. My wife was very generous about being friendly with 2 women, the one I had the decade-long near-miss with, and the one that I was trying but failing to hook up with immediately before I met wife-to-be &mdash the latter was a semi-regular solo dinner guest after we married.
75: Maybe so, will. Or maybe it's mean. Hard to say!
the ex- and the new boyfriend would be brought together in full knowledge that the ex would be pretty upset.
I don't see why. A girl oughta be able to bring her new squeeze out sometimes with her old friends.
Plus, He's her *ex*. It's no longer her job to pander to his little emotional dramas.
It's no longer her job to pander to his little emotional dramas.
Damn straight. She's either actually friends with him now or what the hell is she spending time with him for? A girlfriend of mine has been haunted by a her stupid, emotionally abusive ex for like a year, until recently when it dawned on her that she would never put up with a friend who treated her that way.
82:
You should give an ex a little time and space. People have emotions that are not rational.
78: No, the response that lets me know it was meant to be is "Huh, so that's M? Nice rack." Because thinking alike is the true measure of compatibility.
But it's a moot point really, my exes just never meet each other. I don't really date within circles of friends, and they all seem to live in different places and know entirely different people. Makes life easier after breakups, lemme tell ya.
Also it's no longer her job to drammer to his emotional pandas.
One of my exes emailed me out of the blue after a year the other day. Very weird. We sort of broke up, I thought, when we realized that we made each other miserable and that we had basically nothing in common. Do I want to hang out?, he asks. I haven't given a definitive answer, but I can't possibly imagine what he wants to *do*. We didn't like doing any of the same things, except fucking, and I don't even think he liked fucking all that much.
No, the response that lets me know it was meant to be is "Huh, so that's M? Nice rack."
Wow. I'm no longer a crazy jealous person like I was in my early twenties, but I'd have a hard time saying something like this. If he agreed, I'd have tormented visuals of them having sex together.
84: Well, of course. But come on; the behavior described is obnoxious. And this isn't a sitch where she dragged O to the guy's bday party or something; they went to see a band that some of her friends are in, and one of the folks in the band is the ex.
It's a situation where Whiny McEmo basically wans his ex not to hang with her friends (the other folks in the band) because he's being whiny--or actually, as the "why'd you have to bring him?" thing suggests--he *wants* her to hang with them, only without bringing her new guy. He's being petulant and manipulative about her bringing someone new into the group, and he shouldn't be coddled about it.
Oh, I'm totally with Po-Mo on that one. Lusting after the same chicks is the only way I can stand dating someone. If we don't share at least some tastes in other boys and/or girls, I have a hard time tolerating a relationship.
Torment meaning good or hot?
Well, for them.
Did I mention that I had two exes at my birthday party? They wanted a picture with BR. A fourth couldnt make it.
But, you still should give your exes the curtesty of a little time to heal before you expect them to be happy around the new love interest.
Further to 92, not that we actually have to screw around with other people, but we have to at least respect some of one another's lustations, or then I actually do get jealous.
56: heebie just gets better and better.
91:
Oh, I think that the ex has had enough time to get over it.
I think Parsimon nailed it. BPL used Ogged to give the clear signal that she wasnt interested. The whiny ex hadnt quite grasped it yet.
96: why thank you! Imagine how great I'll be at 40.
92, 95: You always want to avoid the problem where you meet the new boyfriend/girlfriend, look them up and down quickly, and have to call upon all the forces of restraint to not turn to your ex and say "Really?". Hopefully the new person is really smart or nice or something, but dating the sort of girls who just want to date someone and will take the next person who comes along can be really depressing when you meet their other guys.
Hopefully the new person is really smart or nice or something, but dating the sort of girls who just want to date someone and will take the next person who comes along can be really depressing when you meet their other guys.
A problem that can be avoided by not breaking up with them.
What does "bpl" stand for?
I thought Ogged comes off as a bit of a jerk in this post tho. Isn't the ability to get along with their friends like a basic sign of being a good boy/girlfriend?
I've moved a lot in the last couple of years and been a little too dependent on girlfriends friends to build up a social circle in a new city. When you combine that with a tendency to flip through girlfriends pretty quickly over the last couple of years, that doesn't work.
The idea of being somebody's social sidekick still feels sort of fun and romantic to me though, much better than hiving off as an isolated couple.
100: Yeah, I am definitely a lot happier when my exes go on to date gorgeous, charming, brilliant women, because it raises my stock. I get zero vanity-stroking from seeing an ex with an ugly stupid mean chick.
But also, even while you're dating, checking out chicks together can be fun if you like the same sorts of chicks. It's really not fun to watch your boyfriend ogle some girl you can't understand his attraction for. Of course, my attractions to women have probably been broadened a lot by my bf's attractions to women.
94: Something like 8 of my eldest brother's exes were at my father's funeral. Seriously. His girlfriend when he was 15, his senior prom date, the woman he was off-and-on with for 15 years, on and on. It cracked us up.
That role I used to fill no longer exists.
Not really on-topic, but my oldest friend, whom for ~20 years I described as basically being my big brother (he's my big sister's age, and was a regular at Thanksgiving for a decade or so, among other things), has dropped more or less completely out of my life (I think my sister's as well) since he (finally) found a woman to be serious with. At first she met everyone, and was nice, and they'd come around together. Then, his beloved mother died, and he didn't turn to us for comfort - he had her. I actually don't think I've seen him since then.
What does "bpl" stand for?
Bass-playing lifeguard.
105:
How many was he sleeping with at the time?
In all seriousness, that tells you something nice about your brother.
I was riding in a car with a guy I was boinking, and we were dropping off a couple of other fellows. The one other guy, who was gay, was a sometime-lover of the guy I was hooking up with, and he was really nice. But the other guy, whom I had read as completely straight, was being all snide and asking whether we were going to get the condoms soon and stuff. I still can't figure out whether this was because he was another fairly-straight-presenting guy who had had sex with the fellow I was shtuping, or whether he was just on some homophobic trip. He apologized the next time he saw me though, but it was sure weird.
I am always nice to exes, exes new bf/gf, friends of exes, etc. etc. Why wouldn't you be? All of that possessive stuff is soooo patriarchal and fucked up.
Have I mentioned that the Bad Old GF started dating a guy before I moved out? We (she) had decided we needed to break up, and that I should move out, but didn't actually kick me out - there was a 6 week transition. During which she started dating this guy, staying at his place, etc. (not fucking, according to her). But anyway: she never told me they were dating. But she would try to get us together - "Oh, come to brunch with my sister and G."
And, of course, he turned out to be a psycho, manipulative prick, so, yes, she'd call me to complain about him. While I was with wife-to-be.
Sheesh.
Contrary to the overwhelming display of emotional maturity around here, I think I'm much more the cheerfully-kill-any-exes-that-show-up sort of a person.
I think Parsimon nailed it. BPL used Ogged to give the clear signal that she wasnt interested. The whiny ex hadnt quite grasped it yet.
No no, they play with the same bands. If I go see/support her, there's a chance he'll be there. In fact, I haven't gone since that last post in December and only dropped in last night for an hour, but still got the mental breakdown response. Dude needs to grow up.
Is bpl also a lifeguard, or am I misremembering my Unfogged arcana?
111: That story sounds creepily familiar. It didn't happen to me, but I'm sure I've heard at least one person relate an almost identical anecdote. I guess there's some cases where I could see that working, but mostly it's not ever going to play out real well in this society.
I think I'm much more the cheerfully-kill-any-exes-that-show-up sort of a person.
This is... unsurprising.
I avoid this problem by only dating women who have no friends.
I avoid this problem and many others by not dating at all.
So, ogged, which is better, bpl's band or bpl's ex's band?
113 obviates the question in 118, I guess.
And, to note, in the past I've gotten along well with the current's exes, but I don't respond well to emotional manipulation, or to massive wussiness.
That's kind of cool, somehow, that she's a swimming base player. Anyway, glad it's working out.
The guy's being an ass, but I've been that ass, so I feel a certain sympathy. Especially if they've done the break up-get back together-break up dance in the past.
"Petulant McElmo." AKA "Tickle Me Emo."
I avoid this problem by only dating women who have no friends.
I dated a woman without any friends once. She was smart and attractive--she just didn't have any friends, only exes. She didn't particularly care for my friends and the feeling was mutual, so that didn't last long. Which is to say that relationships with those kind of people usually end in disaster, too.
Especially if they've done the break up-get back together-break up dance in the past.
They haven't. They dated for a year and she broke it off in October.
115: Or any society, really. I was very glad that this guy was being nice to her and hanging out with her - part of the reason I didn't move out sooner was that I was enjoying having our awesome apt. to myself much more often. And, even though he was an asshole, I'm still thrilled that the attention he paid her was the kick in the pants she needed to dump my ass. But none of that means that I wanted her to lie to me or try to trick me into being buddies with this guy (who, of course, was giving me all sorts of funny vibes - he knew what the deal was).
The best part was that her behavior in this aspect was so clearly shitty that I was really off the hook for being anything more than civil.
Jesus. I just remembered that, for complicated reasons, I had to ride across PA with them in her car. Cripes, what a shitty trip.
Something like 8 of my eldest brother's exes were at my father's funeral.
A couple of my friends got married with several exes in attendance (separate weddings, I think at least four exes at each). It's nice to see people who get along so well with their exes, but I think you're missing something if you don't have one or two you totally hate.
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I can think of two songs that are the perfect song to end any rock mixtape. Fortunately it is not impossible to decide between them, because one has a female singer and one has a male.
But really, they do have the identically same qualifications for that position, are the same length, are both from 1994 and from albums that got some 120 Minutes play. But using both would really be dumb.
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I don't respond well to emotional manipulation, or to massive wussiness.
I doubt he cares, unless you're back down to a size 2. The issue is how she responds to the same. But it's hard for me to imagine a bpl who falls for it. Eh, as problems go, this one falls right in there with "people hate me because I'm beautiful." Sure, it can, in fact, be a problem, but it's not the worst one to have.
I've sort of realized recently that if a woman is a social type with lots of friends and contacts, a big circle, that is a big romantic plus for me. I'm pretty sociable but also a little too moody to get out as much as I would like to, so a kick in the pants to circulate more is just what I need. I sort of like a stronger personality who does something to set the social agenda for the relationship. I'll cook dinner and be all host-y if she organizes the crowd.
But she has to be willing to gossip about all her friends and dissect their personalities.
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I can't believe Polaroid is discontinuing their film. I don't know why this is hitting me so hard, but it really seems wrong, like it was one of those things we'd have forever.
I want to know what the very last Polaroid photo will be.
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I think you're missing the point, Tim. The point is that it makes for a good blog anecdote.
I want to know what the very last Polaroid photo will be.
Great thought.
129: before the days of digital cameras Polaroids were the only choice for taking pervy dirty pictures. Unless you wanted the high school students down at the Photo Hut all up in your business.
PGD, it keeps occurring to me that you're a lot like my ex. Max was the same way---he had a few people close to him, but he loved hosting parties for my friends, talking about my friends, being introduced to my friends. And he seems to have always been with women like me with a large circle of friends available for parties. Partially, he seemed to like it for the social opportunities it offered him in the vein of my 29, but it also made him value me more to think of me as someone socially in demand (whether I actually was or not). Does that make sense?
133 to 128, but, uh, yeah, also to 132 I guess.
I'm not understanding this story. Are BPL and her ex are in the same band? Or are they in different bands?
"Play with the same bands" suggests a sort of musical chairs, usually involving one or both of them, but in bands related enough to one another that they play on the same lineups?
the high school students down at the Photo Hut all up in your business.
There's a clever little song by Ian Anderson about family photos forgotten, but still remembered by the man in the photoshop. Recent song, but a dying phenomenon.
More or less the only girl I ever picked up worked in a photoshop. Cute, a year older, interesting. Got back with her ex the day after she and I spent a couple hours on the phone. Sigh.
I'm sad to report, Walt Someguy, that from all appearances BPL seems to be in a reggae-funk jam band. And you know how those people collaborate.
Did she give good phone, JRoth?
I think that the band is so bad that ogged has split them in his mind - the terrible band that the ex plays in, and the merely bad band that she plays in. The mind's need to protect itself is a powerful thing.
139: It was an amazing conversation. It might have been 4 hours, now that I think about it. Occasionally flirtatious, but innocent.
I'm checking classmates.com right now.
I want to know what the very last Polaroid photo will be.
Buy a camera. Wait. Make it one of your choosing.
142: IT WILL BE OF MY OWN DEATH.
The picture will keep getting older and you'll stay the same age.
This is what PostSecret has all been leading up to.
133: weelll...sort of makes sense. But I wouldn't say that I value people more because they are "socially in demand", that's sort of high school-ish. Lots of things can make someone socially in demand. A whole lot depends on the quality of the people they attract and how they do it. There can be very social people who I'm incompatible with because I find their friends very boring.
It's more that there's an active need I have to be socially engaged (basically, I can be a little depressive and moody, and sociability pulls me out), and being pulled along in another person's slipstream helps me do it more than I can on my own. Once I am out I'm lively and engaged and happy and make the proper contributions.
I was talking with my Mom about this -- we're very tempermentally similiar -- and she said she always needed a spouse who had their own thing going, was a strong emotional center of gravity, so the tone of the relationship was set more by their moods than by hers. That resonated with me.
129: Aww, crap. I have a polaroid camera lying around, and only a couple more film refills. I should grab some, or else I'll never get that shoebox full of random friend pictures.
Boo to digital photos. I can never remember to take them or upload them.
You kinda crapped on your own joke there.
Yeah, Polaroid shots are special. My roommates in Cleveland had one of those cheapy JoyCams that you could make half-size Polaroids with, and we ended up with an incredible collection of photos you'd never get on digital. Some of them are crap, but they really capture these little unplanned moments. I still have a ton of those little photos as mementos.
before the days of digital cameras Polaroids were the only choice for taking pervy dirty pictures
This reminds of a funny Armstrong & Miller bit on the perils of reusing home-porn technology. Someone here, maybe mrh, introduced me to A&M; to whomever it was, my thanks. Their RAF sketches just kill me.
151: I'm going to pretend that didn't happen. I think I should go to sleep now.
However: The Polaroid was the youtube of its day.* Discuss. Or not.
*Actually, there's a bit in The Last Hurrah that almost, but ultimately does not, set up this parallel with respect to political campaigns.
I had a long-distance girlfriend once who's ex was the "make friends with my exes new boyfriends" type, so he always went out his way to be friendly with me. I always found it a little weird, but he was perfectly nice to me, so I went along with it. Finally, my girlfriend pressured me to move to her city; after three weeks we broke up acrimoniously. Shortly thereafter, her ex-boyfriend and I hung out and bitched about our mutual ex for several hours. It was awesome. He looked like apostropher, so I think of this story every time I see a picture of apo.
153: Those RAF sketches are fucking hilarious. Killing me. Thanks!
To go back to the post - give the poor guy a break. Sure he acted like a pathetic asshole, but if this was at least a moderately serious relationship, and he got dumped, who hasn't? I'm getting cringeworthy flashbacks to a party where I was in that situation - I was miserable and showed it in spite of the enthusiastic attempts of a friend of hers to console me. BTW, does this actually mean that ogged is getting laid? I thought he had de facto adopted the Emerson policy.
At my wedding were two men I'd seriously dated, one I'd drunkenly hooked up with once, and two that had lusted after me in high school. To shivbunny's credit, only the most recent ex bothered him at all. (He insists he wouldn't like him in any event.)
The late update from bpl is that before moping at the bar, Petulant McEmo went outside and threw things and basically had a fit. This is the kind of unstable behavior that makes me start thinking that people need to be rubbed out for my peace of mind, a reaction I'm announcing here to keep myself from dwelling upon.
More to the point, bpl has told the band that she won't play with him anymore, so this should keep the problem from arising again. Until he snaps and kills us.
I shouldn't have him killed, right?
It disturbs me how much I think like Dick Cheney.
You shouldn't have him killed, but you inquire as to whether he's graduated to big boy pull-ups.
At first she met everyone, and was nice, and they'd come around together. Then, his beloved mother died, and he didn't turn to us for comfort - he had her. I actually don't think I've seen him since then.
I would bet you anything that the reason you haven't seen him since then is precisely because his mother died -- not because he has a loving wife.
161: Wait, how old are these people? I've been assuming all in the thirties.
One of my groomsmen was my high school girlfriend. She wore a sexy girl tux.
people need to be rubbed out rub one out for my peace of mind,
A better solution than killing him. Just send him the link to that dwarf-with-the-baby-rattle porn video or something. Problem solved.
I shouldn't have him killed, right?
See, my approach in 112 now seems more sensible.
Here's a conversation I had 10 minutes ago:
Person: Man, I don't want to get old.
Me: Who really wants to get old?
P: I know. It's depressing.
[pause]
P: That and Maureen Dowd. I fucking hate her.
Wait, how old are these people? I've been assuming all in the thirties.
Right.
DS, you're a genius.
Apparently he's from Vermont and has hippie parents. That pretty much explains everything.
went outside and threw things and basically had a fit.
What's disturbing is that this story makes you think about killing him rather than laughing like a hyena. Where is your joie de vivre?
It was actually Martin Luther King's idea, originally. But thanks.
Where is your joie de vivre?
Imagining ogged as one of the oldsters in the last scene of Coffee and Cigarettes is, like, so meet.
This is the kind of unstable behavior that makes me start thinking that people need to be rubbed out for my peace of mind,
oh, good, I'm not the only one with caveman instincts.
of course, what it takes to cause you to go to your caveman instincts is less than what it takes me. Face it, Ogged, you're a serial killer on the inside. You and Wolfson.
Face it, Ogged, you're a serial killer on the inside
You can take the boy out of Iran...