Are those crickets I hear?
Hm, are you and the girl going kayaking?
going kayaking
That's a euphemism I haven't heard before.
Well, if it was sex, it wouldn't take all weekend. It would just take 3-13 minutes.
What did you guys decide on that 3-13 minutes thing? Because if 3 minutes is acceptable, that's going to be a huge time-saver.
Um. Not even off the front page!
What did you decide
Zippy has been reading for comity.
That's a euphemism I haven't heard before
"Playing 'hide the kayak'" is the more common form.
I don't want to read that whole thread!
Oh, none of us agreed that I remember. But the therapists say 3 minutes is acceptable, and I think ogged's going to run with that.
"Baby, I want to explore your inlets, paddle your estuaries and cross your tidal basin. Aw, yeah."
Do you guys want to hear a necrophiliac joke?
I once heard that the Eskimos have 42 words for "rolling" a kayak.
I'll take that as a yes:
"I used to be a necrophiliac until that rotten cunt split on me!"
19: That's good, but it'd be better if it were the punchline after two other people gave reasons why they'd given up some more acceptable sexual habit. E.g., The first guy says, " I used to be into getting tied up until one girl just left me there and took my wallet." I'm just cribbing that from events on Seinfeld, I'm sure there are better ones.
20: I think you're right. That's a good example because it includes the theme of someone leaving or "splitting."
Maybe start with bondage, then talk about a pedophile whose "partner" got too old for him, then close with the necrophilac.
Coprophilia was fun at first, but after a while it just gets to be the same old shit.
La zoophilie: c'est vachement fou!
"Playing 'hide the kayak'" is the more common form.
You mean "the man in the kayak."
(I am ignoring the revolting jokes subthread that seems to be developing.)
"Playing 'hide the kayak'" is the more common form.
Don't forget your spray skirt!
"I used to be a gerontophile, but after a while, it got old."
25: I am ignoring the revolting jokes subthread
Stay over here then, mcmanus is in fine form over on "Make Them Want It".
"At first I thought she was cool with it when I told her I was a frotteur, but apparently it rubbed her the wrong way."
I used to be into Frotteurism, but then I realized I was rubbing people the wrong way.
OK KR ... I challenge you to a rub off in comment 31. I ain't deleting this one just because of a lousy 15 seconds or so.
30: a lousy 15 seconds or so
... or 3 minutes either.
I asked a French girl if she knew what a golden shower was, and she said, "Oui."
28: I haven't clicked that thread because Shearer's in it.
When asked if he knew what kind of girl he was looking for, the masochist said, "Beats the hell out of me!"
"I want to get off on autoerotic asphyxiation, but whenever I try get up the nerve do it, I choke."
36: No, no, I'm not the one that goes out of my way to read infuriating drivel; that's Labs.
I don't know why my latex fetishist girlfriend broke up with me. Did I rubber the wrong way?
Can we give the pony play a rest hon? I'm sick of just horsing around.
Alright, we can do watersports, as long as you quit pissing and moaning all the time.
Anal was great until you started being such a hard-ass about it.
Baby, why won't you wear this diaper?
"I knew it was risky to hook up with a girl who would indulge in my diaper fetish with me, but we took great care to cover our asses."
Masturbating was fine at first. Then it got out of hand.
When I have to choose between bondage and any other fetish, it's a tie.
I was going to go out with a woman who had the most beautiful feet -- but she stood me up.
"She caught me trying on her underwear and got her panties all in a wad."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, you'd better be at a furry party."
I asked him to go bareback, and he said "Sure, but why do I always have to be the horse?" And I said, "That's what she said!"
I used to be into spanking, but then it hit me: [ohfucki'mtoodrunktofinishthisjoke]
"I've tried everything I could think of to get over my obsession with amelotatism, but now I'm stumped."
When I broke up with the spanko, it really knocked me on my ass.
39.1: I don't know why my latex fetishist girlfriend broke up with me. Did I rubber the wrong way?
AKA, I used to be into Zentai, until I saw this video. (You may want to skip ahead to about 4:30, although there is a certain fascination in trying to figure out why they bothered to film the first two-thirds ... or the last third for that matter, I guess.)
Pedophilia? You've got to be kidding.
I thought about becoming a nullo, but when it came right down to it, I just didn't have balls enough to go through with it.
All subsequent entries are much better than mine, in that they actually engage in wordplay. Nevertheless, I take all credit for suggesting the project.
"My girlfriend finally figured out what I meant when I said I was an ephebophile; it was on the vocabulary list for her SAT prep course."
"I used to whine and beg to get her to indulge my shoe fetish, but she finally put her foot down."
48: I've tried everything I could think of to get over my obsession with amelotatism, but now I'm stumped.
Same with me and agalmatophilia, now I just spend all my time stoned.
Not enough people are sensitive to the difference between ephebophilia and pedophilia.
I used to be into mysophilia but it made me feel dirty.
I wish I were hip enough not to be troubled by how easily these jokes come to you people.
Sorry, I meant {squinting} "yew people!" where " = irony tags
honestly (cough) that's what I meant
I used to be into exhibitionism, but my girlfriend saw right through me.
I used to be feel shame and embarassment about my latex fetish, but my new girlfriend has helped me feel comfortable in my own skin.
The state legislature had a different opinion on the matter, but I thought supporting three wives was awfully big o' me.
When I said I was into ailurophilia she said "no more pussy".
Also, I woke up this morning imagining that thismust exist. Sure enough! (NSFW, also not very funny. Still, it exists!)
"This is how I take my pleasure!" cried the dacryphiliac.
66: "I see what you did there" make me smile, but yeah, mostly very unfunny.
53: There's got to be some possible joke about jury nullification.
I think Nullo would be a great clown name.
68: "Invisible pubic hair" made me chuckle.
the upthread jokes were intended unfunny, right?
not original, but in the spirit of nullo
so little vovik asks his mom
- mom, how were you born?
- i was found in the cabbage
- dad, how were you born?
- the tide brought me home
- and you, sis?
- the stork brought me too
- what's wrong with my family, nobody was born the normal way
I think Nullo would be a great clown name.
"Ladies and Gentlement, boys and girls, direct your attention to the center ring. Introducing, for the first time on this side of the Atlantic Ocean, straight from Palermo, Sicily: The Coglione Brothers: Nullo, Dangle, and Scrote!"
Alternate title for this thread: "The Aristocrats".
After more of the same old cock and bull, bestiality began to bore me.
"If have something embarassing to confess to you. I like to relieve my sexual urges with livestock," Tom said sheepishly.
"I'm choosing my words with a lot of precision: I enjoy being stared at by bears until I feel good," Tom said carefully.
Friends, this has nothing to do with sex jokes, so forgive me, but I have to share with you the most delicious of beverages, which I have just concocted from a recipe of my own design.
First! Boil 2 cups of water and 1 cup of sugar in a saucepan for 4-5 minutes, and then add approximately 6 inches of peeled fresh ginger, sliced. Simmer for 10 to 15 minutes, strain out the ginger, and reduce the remaining liquid to an oozy syrup. Put the ginger in a Mason jar, pour over the syrup, cool to room temperature, and store in your refrigerator.
Later that same day! Pour an appropriate amount of cold gin into the glass of your choosing. Stir in two good teaspoons of the ginger syrup. Do you wish to add a piece of the candied ginger as well? By all means!
Stir vigorously! Top with a splash of soda water! Enjoy what I have decided to call the "Double Gin-ger."
Sounds like a poor man's Gin-Gin Mule.
New England Eat-up at mrh's place!
79: I had one last night at Pegu! And 3 French Pearls!