Re: I think this one will really work

1

Har.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:21 PM
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I don't drink at all

You disgust me.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:23 PM
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3

4. God's Love
5. Maggots in my sores

funny


Posted by: bend | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:24 PM
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Stylin'!


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:29 PM
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5

The no racial preference bit rings a bit disengenuous.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:30 PM
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Your comment rings of smacking, Sybil.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:33 PM
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Your comment rings of something, w-lfs-n.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:36 PM
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I do think you need to at least mention the celibacy thing.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:39 PM
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I'm surprised you'd want to date this person, ben, but hey, desperate times, as they say…


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:41 PM
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10

See here, S. Vane.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:42 PM
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One result of this is that I have fantastic endurance

Heh.


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:45 PM
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Exercise and Fitness, Healthy Living, Yoga/Meditation

s/b

Pontius Pilates


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:49 PM
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Yea, well, it doesn't smack of smacking. "Ringing" is a totally different rhetorical device.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:52 PM
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Ringing veritably precludes smacking.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:53 PM
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The point is that it rings of smacking, which is bad enough.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:53 PM
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Sybil seems to condone ringing of smacking.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:57 PM
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Sybil is a notorious pomo misassigner of valences.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:57 PM
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Bad enough for you, maybe.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:58 PM
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There are few phrases I dislike more than "smacks of" constructions. I don't know why.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:59 PM
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That 17 cuts to the quick. I take care with my valences. Smacking is complicated, as a verb, as a gerund. I am still trying to parse out the nuances.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:59 PM
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So, uhhh, Ben. This may seem awkard, but through the link that you posted you can access your profile...

Just a heads up, mate.


Posted by: Jeff | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:00 PM
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Fuck.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:02 PM
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Kotsko has already brilliantly and exhaustively parsed out the nuances of smacking. Seek no further.


Posted by: Zippy the Comment Frog | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:02 PM
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For about a year after my mother died we still had her jelly and fruitcake and frozen vegetables to eat now and then.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:04 PM
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Wrong thread. 22 smacks of panic.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:05 PM
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oh yea, so you can ....


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:05 PM
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Way to announce the vulnerability in a responsible manner, Jeff.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:07 PM
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Waste of a good baiting opportunity, Jeff.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:08 PM
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way to pick on me at an inopportune time, w-lfs-n.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:08 PM
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I am sorry to hear that this is an inopportune time for being picked on, Sybil, but you know I did it with love.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:11 PM
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So my joke at #9 really was accurate? Huh. Well, there it is.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:11 PM
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seriously though, take down the link, it makes me nervous.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:11 PM
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Eh, I'm new to the site. Didn't mean to cause any trouble.. INext time I'll pounce on it I suppose.


Posted by: Jeff | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:12 PM
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34

Unless I am badly mistaken, it should be sanitized now.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:14 PM
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34: Looks like it.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:15 PM
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link goes to login page


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:15 PM
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37

Some type of image file may be our solution.


Posted by: Zippy the Comment Frog | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:17 PM
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38

This is ridiculous.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:17 PM
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39

You started it.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:18 PM
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40

It's just like a really inside joke now.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:18 PM
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41

We certainly can't have any of those.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:18 PM
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42

I've been reading this thread and don't understand what's going on.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:19 PM
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43

Stand by while we upload Ben's credit card information.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:19 PM
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44

It smacks of exclusivity already, that's for sure.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:19 PM
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45

44 to 42


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:20 PM
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Unless by "profile" people mean "account." I thought the links was supposed to be to a profile.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:22 PM
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42 smacks in ingenuousness.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:25 PM
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48

Restore the original link, then we can all send letters from Ben to other young people seeking romance. It's past time for the collective forces of Unfogged to take young Ben's romantic life in hand.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:30 PM
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49

This thread smacks.


Posted by: My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:31 PM
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It's past time for the collective forces of Unfogged to take young Ben's romantic life in hand.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:31 PM
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Dammit, Ben, why can't you figure out how to use the internets?


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:35 PM
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A Taken In Hand relationship is a wholehearted sexually exclusive marriage in which, to the delight of both spouses, the man actively controls the woman. The degree of control and the way the husband retains control vary from Taken In Hand couple to Taken In Hand couple, but in all cases both husband and wife actively want the husband to have the upper hand. No matter how strong, tough and forceful a Taken In Hand wife may be, and no matter how hard she might try to take control in their marriage, she would be aghast if her husband were to let her get the upper hand. Likewise, no matter how loving, kind and considerate the husband may be, he prefers to keep his wife firmly in hand.

Much as a man with an especially large and vigorous member must seize it with an especially firm and masterful grip if either of them are to be made happy.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:36 PM
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Nobody wants to hear about your large and vigorous member, John.

Yes, Ben, your desire to be taken in hand is clear. No more of this grammar nonsense, on pain of a spanking.


Posted by: The Collective Spirit of Unfogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:42 PM
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no matter how hard she might try to take control in their marriage, she would be aghast if her husband were to let her get the upper hand

"Don't listen to her; she doesn't mean it."


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:45 PM
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55

Her objections smack of submissiveness.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:47 PM
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56

You just have to keep up the pressure until Stockholn Syndrome kicks in.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:48 PM
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57

Or until she files for divorce, whichever comes first.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:52 PM
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And believe me, you'll want it to be the Stockholm Syndrome. So call now to order my instructional video.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:53 PM
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I have to go to bed, but I hope that by east coast morning this post links somewhere funny again. I'll take anywhere.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:56 PM
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56, 57: It's often a close race and the suspense, gripping.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:57 PM
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"After a long and successful career as a dog trainer, Apo realized that, while dogs are important, to many men their wives are equally important, or in some cases even more important. An ill-trained wife can cause many times as much trouble as an ill-trained dog, so....."


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:57 PM
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I shouldn't have laughed at 61, but I did.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:00 PM
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Shit should finally be working now.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:12 PM
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You have too much time on your hands, w-lfs-n.

If I didn't have plans on Tuesday night to make dinner for a recently-dumped buddy, we could have gone to see Cat Power at the Warfield. I forgot if you liked her or not, or if that's too mainstream for you.



Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:31 PM
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Want Children: No

What sort of religious man doesn't want to be fruitful and multiply? Any good Christian girl will be suspicious when she reads this.


Posted by: Matt F | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:42 PM
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I really don't know what all this is about, but I found a suitable picture for the profile.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:26 PM
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prideful?

Is that what the rest of us call 'proud'?


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 12:24 AM
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I hope that by east coast morning this post links somewhere funny again. I'll take anywhere.

Jessica Biel is in town this week shooting this movie. If I run into Biel, I'll ask her if her character would ever date a stylite.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 7:35 AM
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that is the weirdest movie description i have ever read. and i don't really get the Jessica Biel thing. i find her forgettable-looking. as in, i literally forget what she looks like when i am not staring at a picture.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 7:42 AM
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I thought she was rather pretty before she did all that weird facial surgery. But that movie, it burns. John Waters already showed us that extremely horny people are rather socially repulsive, and I think one needs to keep that in mind when making fakey pornography. I'm guessing that becoming incredibly lustful makes Biel turn into a simpering girly-girl, not a banister-humping wreck.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 7:48 AM
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The Jessica Biel thing. Less complicated than you might have thought.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 7:53 AM
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Although, come to think of it, I've never seen anything she's been in.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 7:55 AM
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that is the weirdest movie description i have ever read.

At this point I'm not sure what's less believable: the nail-to-the-head nymphomania or the casting of a small state capitol as Washington, DC.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:03 AM
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73: I'm getting a nail gun later today to experiment with, so I'll let you know.


Posted by: SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:05 AM
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74: Just be sure to get Jessica's consent before you go at her with that thing.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:21 AM
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75: yeah, and he should keep the nailgun away from her, too.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:22 AM
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When I look at her I can see that she is hot. And so on. I just can't remember what she looks like. I try to picture her and I can only get generic brunette hotness. Maybe that's the source of the appeal, actually.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:34 AM
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Last night, Bave and I walked past a billboard for some new awful Patrick Dempsey movie and he said, "It must be horrible to be Patrick Dempsey," because all his roles are the sort of things that make him attractive to the worst kind of people---the whole Dr. McDreamy thing, etc. And I wondered who the female equivalent of that is. Jessica Alba? Has she ever played a role in which the point was not to be attractive to the kinds of guys who admire Dane Cook?


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:38 AM
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She was in "Blade II" (or was it "Blade III"? Surely I didn't also see "Blade III"?), which had a slightly different target audience.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:41 AM
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Has she ever played a role in which the point was not to be attractive to the kinds of guys who admire Dane Cook?

Too Soon for Jeff, perhaps.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:44 AM
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Jessica Biel was in Blade Trinity (an ok movie!), but AWB was talking about Jessica Alba, who really only has oggle (emphasis on the ogg) roles.

Jessica Biel was also in that magician movie with Ed Norton and Paul Giamatti.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:47 AM
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Oh, I'm so embarrassed.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:51 AM
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83

Elitist.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:53 AM
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I can only get generic brunette hotness

That seems odd, since she's actually kind of distinctive-looking.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:53 AM
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84: I think Sybil means besides her ass, ogged.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:56 AM
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Don't try to bring this discussion down into the gutter, M/lls.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:57 AM
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I can only get generic brunette hotness

Does this help?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:58 AM
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Oops, 87 posted before I read 86.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:59 AM
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It could be that people who are attracted to men think more about what image they convey--teen heartthrob, sensitive boyfriend, brooding loner, man's man--while people who are attracted to women think more about, uh, butt shape. To be fair, male offerings for viewer concupiscence are a lot more varied, there being better roles for a wider range of dudes than there are for women.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:01 AM
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"It must be horrible to be Patrick Dempsey," because all his roles are the sort of things that make him attractive to the worst kind of people---the whole Dr. McDreamy thing, etc.

But maybe he likes the worst kind of people. Maybe it's his life's dream for them to think he's attractive.

I wouldn't be surprised if he were a Dane Cook fan too.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:01 AM
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There are few phrases I dislike more than "smacks of" constructions. I don't know why.

I find them less objectionable than "shades of", for some reason. And far less so than "natch".


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:01 AM
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When I look at her I can see that she is hot. And so on. I just can't remember what she looks like. I try to picture her and I can only get generic brunette hotness. Maybe that's the source of the appeal, actually.

Same here.

I thought she was the same person as Jennifer Garner for a while. Until Jennifer Garner was in "Catch Me If You Can" and for almost her entire time on screen I thought her character was going to turn out to be a male transvestite. Then I realized that Jennifer Garner is not as frail as the typical actress.


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:04 AM
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What's really funny is that the first time I linked to Jessica Biel photos and noted her hotness, I think she was clothed and shot from the front. The Jessica Biel's ass thing has since, of course, become a running joke.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:07 AM
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Has she ever played a role in which the point was not to be attractive to the kinds of guys who admire Dane Cook?

Wikipedia says she's scheduled to appear in a production of A Woman of No Importance, replacing Lindsay Lohan in the role of Caroline Arbuthnot.

Come to think of it, except for the parts of Blade: Trinity that I've caught on television--ok, as vampire movies go--I've never seen a Biel movie, either.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:07 AM
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Isn't part of this being attracted to a photo and a public image rather than an honest to goodness person that you can talk to or stand right next to? My wife got really alarmed when I said that Queen Latifah and PJ Harvey seemed nice; most of what's interesting for me is that they don't seem photoshopped. Celebrities just seem synthetic and boring. Beautiful, sure, but being able to put a name to the photo seems beside the point.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:09 AM
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Jessica Alba was pretty good in The Illusionist. And heavily clothed throughout. I think she was even wearing a hat.


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:11 AM
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96: Biel, not Alba, I think.


Posted by: SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:12 AM
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What? That's what happens when I can only see the actress's face, I can't tell if it's Biel or not.


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:14 AM
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I find Jessica Biel pretty unmemorable, too. Much more so than Alba. I'm sure her ass is perfectly friendly in person.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:14 AM
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Wikipedia says she's scheduled to appear in a production of A Woman of No Importance, replacing Lindsay Lohan in the role of Caroline Arbuthnot.

On second reading, Wikipedia does not say specifically which role Biel might play in A Woman of No Importance. All in my imagination, it was.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:16 AM
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I find Jessica Biel pretty unmemorable, too

Mnemonic aid.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:17 AM
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If the only memorable thing about someone is how physically attractive they are--not even any distinctive physical attributes that make them hot--it doesn't seem crazy to expect that they're going to seem generically hot.


Posted by: SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:17 AM
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95: Why would your wife be alarmed by that? I'd be delighted to know my partner was attracted to non-Biel/Alba-type women.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:17 AM
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Jessica Biel was in Blade Trinity (an ok movie!)

That movie was fucking awful.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:25 AM
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103: He's married to Biel.


Posted by: SomeCallMeTim | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:27 AM
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She apparently felt that men are attracted to a type rather than to individuals, and doesn't like PJ Harvey. Makes sense, because I'm so clearly an amalgam of Brad Pitt, Steve McQueen, and Paul Newman.

What I really want is Jim Carrey's ability to do characters and Fred Astaire's dance moves instead of smoldering good looks and fists registered as lethal weapons.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:34 AM
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Jim Carrey's ability to do characters and Fred Astaire's dance moves

An all-dancing Jim Carrey? My god, you aspire to be the most annoying individual in human history.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:39 AM
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An all-dancing Jim Carrey? My god, you aspire to be the most annoying individual in human history.

To be perfectly safe, he should also have Jonah Goldberg's political opinions and Lou Dobbs' self-regard. And the voice of Penn Jillette.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:52 AM
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And the voice of Penn Jillette Harvey Fierstein.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:56 AM
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And the voice of Penn Jillette Harvey Fierstein. Gilbert Gottfried.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 10:00 AM
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