Re: $19.99

1

This exists already.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:20 AM
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Yeah, I think I've seen them. You could go the iPod route and market the hell out of it to make it something "new" and indispensable. Probably too low-margin, though.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:22 AM
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(I can't remember who manufactures them because they're made, like stressbuster balls or keychains, to be imprinted with company names and clever slogans and handed out at conferences instead of business cards.)


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:22 AM
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Dude, regular bouldering. Then you'll have the hand strength to open jars.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:22 AM
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This exists already.

I read that somewhere else, but no one has a link! I deny.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:24 AM
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What really needs to be invented is a plugin for iTunes that allows me to hum a few bars of the song that soundtracked my dreams all night, but whose title and artist I can't recall, into the mic and it will say, "Ah, of course, you want this song!"


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:25 AM
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I once met the man who invented glowsticks. He seemed like an all right guy. Not a zillionaire, though.

A relevant link.


Posted by: strasmangelo jones | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:26 AM
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We had one of these in my house when I was a kid, I want to say there's an "EZ" in the name.

6: My friend's cell phone has a feature wherein it can listen to a song playing and come back with what song it is. The two times I saw him use it it gave the correct answer.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:27 AM
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I have two of those things in a kitchen drawer; they have they power company logo on them. They were free, but don't let that deter your get-rich plans. "How do we do it? Volume!"


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:29 AM
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a feature wherein it can listen to a song playing and come back with what song it is

Yeah, my phone does this. It's pretty cool. It's shit at recognizing my humming though.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:30 AM
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Fact: If you market a thin, durable slice of rubber, about the size of a washcloth, with an attached no-muss 3M-style adhesive hook for hanging it somewhere, you'll become a millionaire.

My mom has about fifteen of these. I have about four.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:33 AM
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How's this?


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:34 AM
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On the other hand, much like triangular 3-color highlighters and rubber change purses, they only exist as free promotional items with corporate logos on them, not available in stores.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:34 AM
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There was an old guy in Portland who invented one of the kinds of hook guys use to button their pants. He was not rich at all, but he was doing OK. He lived on skid row for personal reasons, though he wasn't a drunk.

Or so I've been told.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:37 AM
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ogged, did you really not know these already exist? You really are a foreigner. I can't imagine life without them.

(And neither of mine has a logo. I bought them in an actual store and everything.)


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:40 AM
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Hook? What are you talking about?


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:40 AM
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My hometown grocery store, now defunct, used to give these away for free. They didn't have hooks on them, but $19.99 is a lot to pay for an adhesive hook.


Posted by: jms | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:41 AM
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Or you spend $3 on a five-square-foot roll of non-slip shelf liner backing at your local hardware/housewares store, and cut it up into as many of these as you need, in whatever size and shape you like. I have two or three in each of several different kitchen drawers, and can always find other things that can use some non-slipping.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:42 AM
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This exists already.

I read that somewhere else, but no one has a link! I deny.

I can't provide a link, because my surveillance robot can't open drawers yet, but I have one of these in my kitchen. It doesn't have the handy 3m hook, though. Keep the dream alive, ogged.


Posted by: mcmc | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:44 AM
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How's this?

Damn! It's like a Leibniz/Newton genius inventor thing. Oh well.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:47 AM
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Not only does this exist, it's often called a "rubber husband"


Posted by: snoo | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:49 AM
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21: Low. Hanging. Fruit.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:50 AM
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You know, these were widely advertised on TV in the 80s, ogged. Are you sure you didn't see an infomercial and then block it out?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:51 AM
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You know, I have been using read's method ever since she offered her jar-opening tip the last time we talked about this.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:52 AM
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I love how this thread demonstrates the principle that empirical evidence is nothing without a link to a picture on the internet.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:52 AM
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I ran out to the kitchen, but "State Farm Insurance" was all info printed on it. Got one of the cup things linked in 12, but I like the sheet better.

Most peoples forearms are woefully undeveloped. I usually try to open jars unassisted.

I do have trouble tearing those tougher food envelopes anymore, though.


Posted by: bob mcmanus | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:54 AM
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Ogged, if you send me $399 (payable in four easy payments), I'll send you my Official Inventors Kit. You'll learn how to patent your invention, how to
market your invention to industry, how to make the most income from your ideas. Have you ever wondered who makes millions from the simple products you use every day? The answer is, people just like you! The only difference is that they knew how to turn their inventions into profits. And now you can, too!


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:54 AM
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I do have trouble tearing those tougher food envelopes anymore, though.

Don't eat the MREs that are more than 20 years old.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:55 AM
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Are you sure you didn't see an infomercial and then block it out?

Let me invent a word for that: kleptomnesia.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:57 AM
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27, I want to buy your rock.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:05 AM
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the song that soundtracked my dreams all night, but whose title and artist I can't recall

Something like this happened to me recently, but in reverse. I knew it was a Neil Young song, but I couldn't quite place it on an album. I googled the refrain first thing in the morning, but there were no hits. So since he obviously hadn't actually gotten around to writing the song yet, I did.

It's kinda creepy though, so I'll probably never sing it publicly. That and the fact that I can't quite suppress the quaver when I do.


Posted by: Mo MacArbie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:11 AM
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Since I live in a primitive environment where those rubber things haven't been invented yet, I usually take a knife, slide it under the lip of the jar, and pry it just a little to disrupt the vacuum seal. Opening is much easier after that.


Posted by: Neil the Ethical Werewolf | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:14 AM
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Quaver is very Neil Young.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:14 AM
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34

Neil!


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:15 AM
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Fact: Everyone in America will soon be eighty.

Except the smokers.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:19 AM
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32: That was read's tip -- except she added the charming onomatopoetic "pook" to describe the noise of the seal being broken.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:21 AM
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Young Neil!


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:22 AM
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38

This is how an real American opens jars.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:25 AM
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34: Neil the Ethical Werewolf, that is. Not that I wouldn't want to also give a shout out to Neil "Shakey" Young.


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:36 AM
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40

We had those in our kitchen in the 70s!


Posted by: Nancy Crozier | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:36 AM
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41

||
Go race! So fun! But I'm pretty slow.

||


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:37 AM
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42

Obsessive flash vocabulary game:

http://www.wordsandwich.com/


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:42 AM
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Go race! So fun! But I'm pretty slow.

That is strangely fun and frustrating. I'm right around 70 wpm, which is way too slow in that crowd.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:49 AM
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Not that I wouldn't want to also give a shout out to Neil "Shakey" Young.

Southern man don't need him around, anyhow.


Posted by: Lynyrd Skynyrd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:51 AM
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43: whee! That is fun. I must have had a slow group.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:53 AM
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God, I'm a pathetic typist. Now I know just how pathetic.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:56 AM
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42: I curse you, lw. I can't stop.


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:57 AM
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How does someone type 213 wpm?


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:58 AM
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38: I take back anything I may have said against personal firearm ownership.

Although I would imagine that he could probably have gotten a new jar if he'd just brought it back to the store.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:58 AM
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Zip ties are a far more important invention than twist ties.

I heard the zip tie inventer was a billionaire.


Posted by: Willy Voet | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:00 AM
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Cool. I was right around 70 wpm, which was far faster than anyone else.

Got penalized for putting two spaces between sentences, though. WERE ALL MY TEACHERS WRONG?


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:00 AM
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The "rubber husband" shows just how much males are dependent on the salary gap. Almost everything we do can be done equally well by tools made of rubber or latex, sometimes with a little motor in it. The only thing we bring to the table is the higher earning potential.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:01 AM
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Almost everything we do can be done equally well by tools made of rubber or latex

or even cloth!


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:02 AM
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Everyone in America will soon be eighty

Apart from the 81-year-olds, presumably?

Thinking about it, the fifty-year-olds won't be eighty all that soon, and some of them won't be eighty at all.


Posted by: dsquared | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:02 AM
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Cool. I was right around 70 wpm, which was far faster than anyone else.

Yeah, well, screw you. I wound up second to macroman in one race, and then typed 70 wpm and was fifth in another.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:03 AM
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The two space between sentences rule is for typewriters without proportionally spaced fonts. Like much of grammar, syntax and style, it has become technologically outmoded.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:03 AM
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WERE ALL MY TEACHERS WRONG?

No.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:03 AM
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You get penalized for mistakes? I thought you just had to correct them. No wonder my WPM has been so low.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:05 AM
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I think by "penalized" he means "was told it was wrong and had to correct it."


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:05 AM
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Well that certainly helped! 78!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:06 AM
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Wait, you don't have to correct your mistakes?


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:06 AM
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59: I think if you move on to the next word without correcting it penalizes you. Maybe not.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:07 AM
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61: no, you do.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:07 AM
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So what's 60 about?


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:08 AM
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Woo 91!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:09 AM
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Woo, 84wpm. Victory!


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:09 AM
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64: I focused more on getting words correct before moving on to the next word.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:09 AM
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I'm getting around 50 wpm.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:09 AM
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I didn't correct the two-space thing, because I refuse to let them judge my "wpm" on how fast I can type the spaces BETWEEN words. I figured I was getting penalized somehow.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:10 AM
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What's your handle, tweety? I'm oville at the moment.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:11 AM
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Those rubber things dry out. They might still work, but they feel gross so I throw them out. The result: I haven't had one in years. Who's giving out all the freebies?

What I usually do anyway: Use the thing that comes with the kitchen knife set to sharpen the knives. Hit the jar lid on the side a couple of times. That loosens the lid so I can open it.


Posted by: Annie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:12 AM
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42: That's like Lingo, but much better.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:13 AM
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70: "pokpok"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:15 AM
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Those rubber things dry out. They might still work, but they feel gross so I throw them out.

You're supposed to leave them in the wrappers until just before you're ready to have sex, Annie.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:16 AM
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Behold my bachelor cred: I once opened a jar lid by piercing it with the claw of a hammer and pulling. (It wasn't stuck - it was turning but not opening.)


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:17 AM
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I once opened a jar lid by piercing it with the claw of a hammer and pulling.

Oh yeah? I used a cutoff saw.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:22 AM
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You're supposed to leave them in the wrappers until just before you're ready to have sex, Annie.

You are a font of information. My sex life thanks you!


Posted by: Annie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:22 AM
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52 reminds me: I used to have a great jar opener, like this in concept only better, in very 70s deep blue enameled metal or something, that I'd inherited from my mother. My ex-wife got very attached to it, and when time came to divide up our kitchen stuff, we had a minor custody dispute. She said she needed it more than I did. I said I had to take it, it was my mother's, sentimental value. She said if I took it, she'd have to hurry up and get a big strong boyfriend to open jars for her. I let her keep it.


Posted by: potchkeh | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:30 AM
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||
Say in the past several months your kid has gotten into mild, but escalating, trouble with a particular friend and when you call the friend's parents to inform them of the most recently discovered stupidity they say, "Boy, you're probably not going to want Chelsea to hang out with Jenna anymore!" Is there any tactful way to say, "Well, now that you mention it..."?
|>


Posted by: William J. Clinton | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:45 AM
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I once opened a bottle of root beer with my teeth. The cap stayed on, but the neck broke off where it met the body, leaving me clenching the jagged wreckage like a corncob pipe.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:52 AM
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81

Whoever made typeracer really likes Guy Ritchie movies.


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:54 AM
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79: "I just don't think they are right for each other. Listen, the problem isn't your kid, its my kid. I know your kid can do better."


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:01 PM
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80: the trick with that is the same as the jar trick; you use your top canine to press down on the cap, which breaks the seal and makes it much easier to pry the cap off.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:12 PM
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I suspect the rubber grips date from around the mid-50s (that is when rubber golf grips* were introduced and I think when the very flexible thinnish rubber was becoming commercially viable). I recall getting them sometime in my youth, early '60s, and my rememberance is that they were newish (but possibly just new to me). Whatever, here is an older tool for the purpose, which also incorporates rubber, and two similar but older ones (1902 patent no rubber, 1936 not sure if it includes rubber).

*Golf grip inventor was inspired by condoms. In the late 1940s, Fawick "conceived" the idea of the slip-on grip while watching lab experiments on condoms. He theorized if a grip could be rolled onto a steel shaft, well you know...


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:13 PM
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One of my classmates in seventh grade used to open beer bottles with his teeth. I wouldn't be surprised if he's in jail now.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:16 PM
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86

I wouldn't be surprised if he's in jail dentures now.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:23 PM
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I did until I realized how stupid it was. Needless to say this was a period of several years. If you do it right, you aren't putting a huge amount of pressure on your teeth but, you know, still.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:23 PM
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85: Yes, that kind of thing has been severely cracked down on since 9/11.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:23 PM
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86-88: nyuk, nyuk, nyuk


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:25 PM
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I once opened a bottle of root beer killed a man with my teeth. The cap stayed on, but the neck broke off where it met the body, leaving me clenching the jagged wreckage like a corncob pipe.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:26 PM
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91

Well look, how I fucked that joke up.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:27 PM
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91: Well look, how I fucked that joke up.

Using only your bare teeth!


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:28 PM
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93

My problem is salsa jars. They are too big to grip with the strong part of my fingers. And if they are being reopened and there is hardened salsa at the top, they are even harder to open.

I whack them against the cabinet sometimes to loosen them up.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:30 PM
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We used to have one of these in the house when I was a kid, and it worked well. It lets you just apply the opening force, instead of having to grip down as well.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:32 PM
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I strive to keep the lips of my jars immaculately clean.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:33 PM
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96

People have devoted considerable energy to finding marketable solutions to this problem.

I keep trying to find an opening to mention the gap between the development of the can and the development of the can opener ((decades), and not seeing one. Now I don't have to worry about that.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:38 PM
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I sometimes dunk AWB's jars upside down into a petri dish of sand and rock salt, just to mess with her. The threads of the lids get all scritchy when I screw them back on.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:40 PM
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Heebie, that link in 41 is infuriating. I'm an extremely fast typist, but I get a lot slower when the words are moving. Holy cow. Some of us absorb text in chunks, typing-testers! It is horribly confusing to have the words jumping around on the page like that.


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:40 PM
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Nooo!

I think I might do this because nothing makes me feel like a worthless waste of life faster than wrestling with a honey jar, as if I need honey, like, now.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:41 PM
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One of my classmates in seventh grade used to open beer bottles with his teeth. I wouldn't be surprised if he's in jail now.

I used to do this in HS, and to a lesser extent in college, in the misguided belief that it was impressive. The long-term consquences did not become apparent until 15 or 20 years later, when a tiny crack in the bicuspid suddenly turned into a broken tooth. Today I have a nice gold crown over the remains of that tooth.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:42 PM
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I used to do this in HS, and to a lesser extent in college, in the misguided belief that it was impressive.

Indeed.

Now I use a lighter like a normal person.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:44 PM
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98: Heebie, that link in 41 is infuriating. I'm an extremely fast typist, but ...

Apo, that link in xx is infuriating. I'm extremely well hung, but ...


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:45 PM
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My problem is salsa jars.

This is just gods way of telling you that fresh salsa is vastly superior.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:45 PM
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104

nice gold crown

Fashion-forward


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:46 PM
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98: Maybe that's why I'm so slow! I always thought I was faster than that. Also the mandatory corrections screw with me. Wouldn't you normally let them go in a typing test?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:47 PM
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I had to get a crown in high school when I split open a tooth (it had a filling and was weak) by crunching on dry spaghetti. Later, I read something that said that crunching on hard things is an indicator of severe sexual frustration, and so I became really self-conscious about the crown and tried to come up with lies for how it happened, lest it be painfully obvious to everyone who met me that I'm a disturbed hysteric. Of course, no one ever notices the damn thing or asks for a story about it. But because I'm a disturbed hysteric, I was obsessed with being found out as a disturbed hysteric.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:48 PM
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Fresh everything is always vastly superior. This is why none of the food I eat is fresh, because I might as well not even bother as try to put a dent in the problem.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:48 PM
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Now I use a lighter like a normal person.

Hey, me too! Or a spoon. Or a cell phone. Or any other object with a flat, reasonably hard edge. This skill is probably the most enduring legacy of the years I spent in Germany.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:50 PM
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109

crunching on hard things is an indicator of severe sexual frustration

I chew ice all the time. We should go out for drinks sometime.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:52 PM
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110

I use a bottle-opener, just to be deviant.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:52 PM
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crunching on hard things is an indicator of severe sexual frustration

This puts jackmormon's recipe for saffron pistachio brittle in a whole new light.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:53 PM
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112

Opening my third bag of potato chips in an evening tires out my hands.


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:53 PM
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Later, I read something that said that crunching on hard things is an indicator of severe sexual frustration

Well, that explains the Dorito addiction...


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:53 PM
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I read something that said that crunching on hard things is an indicator of severe sexual frustration

This is a self-perpetuating joke, perpetrated on generations of HS (I thought) boys, about half of whom love crunching their ice.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:53 PM
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Doritos? I think chewing on sharp things is another deviance entirely.

I eat ice because it's delicious.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:54 PM
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My mother crunches ice all the time. Constantly. It's worrisome in this light.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:54 PM
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One of my classmates in seventh grade used to open beer bottles with his teeth.

One of my friends in jr. high/high school used to crush empties against his forehead for laughs but by my senior year he had started to develop a faint but perceptible indention in the middle of his forehead. True!


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:56 PM
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the gap between the development of the can and the development of the can opener ((decades)

Awesome. I did not know that.


Posted by: Matt F | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:56 PM
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I remember a kid in elementary school who came to school with a perfect circle bruise around his mouth. Because he'd vacuum-sucked the cup in place until it had left a bruise. Of course.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:57 PM
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120

Ice chewers bulletin board.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:57 PM
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121

I read something that said that crunching on hard things is an indicator of severe sexual frustration

Opening my third bag of potato chips in an evening tires out my hands.

Pry, pry, masturbate, pry.


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:57 PM
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112: Dammit bill!

(Yeah, if I weren't so slow, I might not need the Doritos...)


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:58 PM
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perpetrated on generations of HS (I thought) boys

Wait, you're claiming there isn't a large population of sexually frustrated HS boys?


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 12:58 PM
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124

Semi-topical: I just called things off with the guy I was casually seeing. Now would be a good time to invest in Frito Lay.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:01 PM
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And here I thought it was just ethanol messing around with corn futures


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:02 PM
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126

I have a maybe-a-date in a few hours. Nerve-wracking stuff.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:02 PM
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maybe-a-date

oh, what fun.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:03 PM
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Yay! Whatcha wearing?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:05 PM
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128 to 124.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:06 PM
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high heels!

oh. Not me. AWB.


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:06 PM
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Hard to know what to wear. Skirt, low heels, casual top, I think. Just to keep it ambiguous. Don't want to make the poor fellow feel attacked.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:08 PM
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I just called things off with the guy I was casually seeing.

What does casually seeing mean these days?


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:09 PM
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124: sorry to hear it.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:09 PM
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120 is awesome. I lost most of a tooth opening a beer at college but I was so drunk I didn't notice till I woke up the next day. Not recommended. Also, on the same occasion somebody stuck their tonge down my throat, but I've no idea who. I've sometimes wondered if I should regret this.


Posted by: OneFatEnglishman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:10 PM
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What does casually seeing mean these days?

Binoculars from the hilltop three hundred yards south.


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:11 PM
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132: Trying not to get too attached? Damned if I know.

133: Thanks.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:12 PM
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Another game for all you ice-chewers.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:14 PM
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Also, on the same occasion somebody stuck their tonge down my throat, but I've no idea who.

It was me. I'm sorry. If I'd realized how drunk you were, I wouldn't have accepted your offer. But you were so insistent!


Posted by: the person you liked least in college | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:14 PM
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96
the gap between the development of the can and the development of the can opener ((decades),

How did people open cans until then?


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:14 PM
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How did people open cans until then?

Brute force and ignorance.


Posted by: OneFatEnglishman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:18 PM
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How did people open cans until then?

Stipulation.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:19 PM
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I always thought I was faster than that.

Yeah, the weird thing is that I've had my typing speed tested, and it is faster than that game is telling me.

Also the mandatory corrections screw with me. Wouldn't you normally let them go in a typing test? When I've done tests for secretarial/temping purposes, the software will let you go back and correct, or not. The score is based on both speed and accuracy. If you choose to go back and fix everything, you lose points for speed. If you don't fix things, you lose points for accuracy.

Also, I forgot to gripe that some of the sentences contain incorrect or debatable spellings. Nobody spells second-hand with a hyphen any more! It has long since become a compound word. (N.b. This complaint does not extend to made-up words such as those featuredin the "Clockwork Orange" excerpt I got.)


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:21 PM
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139: it was a real problem. Knives, mostly, although in the Civil War troops were known to use their rifles.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:22 PM
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Wikipedia has more.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:24 PM
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Yeah, the weird thing is that I've had my typing speed tested, and it is faster than that game is telling me.

Playing that game made me realize that while I spend a shitload of time typing, and can consequently type pretty fast, I suck at transcription. I'm not used to typing stuff that's already written down.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:26 PM
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I haven't been doing nearly as well as I imagined I would on the typing test, aside from the 91wpm outlier mentioned above.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:30 PM
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98 is right. I used to temp as an undergrad. I have audio-typist speed. But I process the text in chunks. It's whole-sentence level comprehension/memory/regurgitation. Not one word at a time.

re: cans. A friend showed me once how to open a can of beans with his bare-hands. It was a sort of strong-man party trick [it doesn't actually require much strength]. You need to do it over a sink, though, as it's messy.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:31 PM
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Speaking of party tricks.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:34 PM
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how to open a can of beans with his bare-hands

I take it the method differed from this one.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:36 PM
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If he had a knife only, where did he get the cans?


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:41 PM
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Maybe they were just sitting there on the flat rocks?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:44 PM
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150: Good catch. You must have been one hell of a 4-year old, wd.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:46 PM
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Still am.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:47 PM
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If he had a knife only, where did he get the cans?

Stabbed a guy with a backpack full of cans and no opener?


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:47 PM
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AWB reminds me to mention I have a CBD arranged tonight. I'll report back.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:48 PM
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155: What are you wearing?


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:49 PM
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Maybe they were just sitting there on the flat rocks in the hands of an emaciated corpse.

I kinda of laugh at Di's 124, but only because I'm in the same situation. Date last Friday was quite successful, but I now wish it hadn't been. May yet try that CBD deal.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:51 PM
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CBD has yielded women with sufficient mental whateverness on 2 of my 3 attempts, so I can endorse it.


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:53 PM
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Date last Friday was quite successful, but I now wish it hadn't been.

Shorter PMP: It hurts when I pee!


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:54 PM
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I am nervous as hell, and frantically cleaning my apartment in case it actually is a date and goes really well. Also, worrying that my new skirt rides up a bit much when I walk around.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:54 PM
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Totally OT:

There IS a God!


Posted by: NCProsecutor | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:55 PM
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*dances around in joyous rapture*


Posted by: NCProsecutor | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:56 PM
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158: Whatever happened with the woman who asked you to the talk?


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:58 PM
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157: CBD is my plan as soon as I can figure out when to schedule it in...


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:59 PM
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163: We went. I'm not saying more though because she's too good at the internet.


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 1:59 PM
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I opened a can of soup with a knife last year. It wasn't pleasant, but wasn't messy either.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:03 PM
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one of the kinds of hook guys use to button their pants

Wait a minute, what kind of hook now? I mean, I use my fingers. Are you talking about guys who've lost their hands in the war?


Posted by: slolernr | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:03 PM
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I thought those were known as "clasps" and didn't involve buttons at all.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:05 PM
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165: she's reading now, you say?

SAY THAT OTTO VON BISQUICK IS LIKE SWEET SWEETBACK IN THE PRONE POSITION IS WHAT I HEAR FROM ALL THE GIRLS IYKWIMAITYDCBDG.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:05 PM
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160: Probably you ought to buy some eggs and bacon too.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:07 PM
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Also, when bears got into our trash in Yosemite, they managed to open a jar of jelly without breaking the lid or the jar. A giant tooth mark was left in the bottom of an already open and empty can of tuna.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:07 PM
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170: John, morning-after breakfast in NYC is like a ritual; she should buy the still-beating heart of a goat.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:08 PM
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Well, in true don't-know-if-it's-a-date form, I'm cleaning the kitchen and the hallway, leaving my bedroom a little cluttered, and while I have eggs and bread and cereal and juice and coffee, I have no parboiled potatoes or cheese. The preparations for these things are about making me less nervous, not really about providing the most B&B-style possible experience imaginable for the dude.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:11 PM
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not really about providing the most B&B-style possible experience imaginable for the dude

I agree that mints on the pillows would be a little much.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:12 PM
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Octopus opening jar


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:13 PM
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160: Fill the ice cube trays. Then you have both sides covered, for use or later chewing.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:13 PM
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But you've got the "sanitized for your protection" labels in the appropriate places, right?


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:14 PM
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159: So far, so good!


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:14 PM
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the most B&B-style possible experience

"That will be $125 a night and I'd really like it if you'd sign the guestbook."


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:15 PM
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"Please recommend us to your friends".


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:16 PM
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"I'm cheaper in the off-season."


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:18 PM
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"Here's a map to some local attractions."


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:20 PM
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169: Thanks, Tweety. That's exactly the sort of astroturf campaign I'm looking to get going.


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:21 PM
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"Do you need me to fluff that for you?"


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:21 PM
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"You might be interested in my turn down service."


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:24 PM
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"If you need anything, anytime, don't hesitate to call. Our services are available all night long."


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:26 PM
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I agree that mints on the pillows would be a little much.

"Pillows"? Is that what the kids are calling them these days?


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:26 PM
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Don't psych me out here, dudes. It's quite possible he wants to meet for a drink for half an hour and then go meet up with more awesome people.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:28 PM
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"Is that a spectacular view or what? Let me introduce you to the others staying here tonight."


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:28 PM
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It's quite possible he wants to meet for a drink for half an hour and then go meet up with more awesome people.

Not if you wear the outfit I'm imagining.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:29 PM
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188: Impossible! And pass up on your charming accommodations and unforgettable hospitality?


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:31 PM
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I should remind all that this is someone I have a professional relationship with. The nice thing about strangers is you're not cursed with running into them for the rest of your life after clumsily making passes at them.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:35 PM
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That's true. With colleagues, if it goes badly you have to hide the body.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:36 PM
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It's quite possible that that's what he's thinking now. Then ten years from now, when you are sending little Boo Boo Bear off to his first day of school, he'll laugh about how he never even thought to call those other awesome people back to let them know he wasn't going to be able to make it...


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:37 PM
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195

"Please don't tip the bellhop."


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:40 PM
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Di, I'm not sure that's the right thing to say in terms of AWB's plans for her life.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:41 PM
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194 before I read 192.

I'm going to come down against potentially awkward involvement with professional colleagues...


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:42 PM
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194 to 193, and how many awesome bodies are we talking about here?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:42 PM
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Well, we're not immediate colleagues... but, anyway. Whatevs. See y'all later!


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:43 PM
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196: It was intended as a warning. Before she gets sucked in.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:43 PM
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156: Pervert. Possibly a pervert in error, as I'm a guy.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:46 PM
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*dances around in joyous rapture*

That's an odd reaction to learning that your team will probably lose its most valuable player.


Posted by: Gabriel | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:46 PM
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Sifu, any more than a bakers dozen are quite difficult to transport in consumer vehicles, at least in a single trip.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:47 PM
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203: don't bakers have big-ass panel trucks sometimes?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:48 PM
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Yes, but have you considered pooling fluids? Also, on a commercial truck, you might want to use a false bottom or something, just in case.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:51 PM
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205: just line the base of the truck with baguettes to soak up any leakage.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:52 PM
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||

Woot! I am the king of data analysis, bitchez! Possibly.

|>


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 2:55 PM
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i open cans with a knife all the time if there is no the can opener near
sweet, people use my method of a jar opening
should patent it or what :)
coz i like to give advices, here is another one for Bob, if you don't have scissors to open the potato chips bag, just hold a coin between your thumb and index fingers, this way: thumb, a coin, the food envelop, index, the other hand's thumb and index holds the food envelop only and now tear it as usually, it works better for the potato chips bags than the vinyl bags
nothing happens when i open the typeracer page, seems can't use it at work


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 3:08 PM
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As far as the inventions that change the world and make you millions, a father of a friend-of-a-friend invented ATM fees. I wish I remember who it was, because you can never be too specific with your hate.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 3:26 PM
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209: And what, patented them?


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 3:29 PM
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I don't know if he actually made millions for himself or for the banks. Either way, going to hell.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 3:34 PM
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I've gotta say, I don't get the anger at ATM fees. Doesn't routinely taking out more cash than you immediately need from in-network machines work out OK? If I need extra for a surprise, I've got to pay for it, and there's consequently an ATM on every corner, but mostly I don't need to. They're great for traveling-- you kids probably don't remember having to change money when you crossed a border, and getting dinked 5% unless you went somewhere inconvenient that you hoped would be open.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 3:44 PM
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This puts jackmormon's recipe for saffron pistachio brittle in a whole new light.

Hey now.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 3:54 PM
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Cash in my pocket ruins the fit of my pants, LW.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 3:59 PM
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Leave your shirt untucked. But I see what you mean.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 4:01 PM
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212: They make enough money on your money that it's assoholic to make you buy it back from them. It's not as if the fees are the minimum required to keep the service functioning--it's a whole new profit center.

Not the greatest injustice in the world, but there's no need to be nice about it.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 4:22 PM
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216: But aren't all the fees just for out of network? I've never paid one using a machine that belonged to that particular bank, as far as I can recall.

Certainly it doesn't literally cost them $1.50 or whatever to do the transfer, but on the other hand, why should they help you use some other bank for free? Users of private commercial ATM's are asking for far more trouble than the fee, as I understand it.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 4:26 PM
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216: Not, of course, that your general point about the assholishness of banks isn't true. Against the like of 0% chequing accounts, ATM fees pale I think.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 4:27 PM
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Hey, on this topic, has anyone here tried the new Charles Schwab banking?

It's an online-only bank, but they claim to provide 2.26% interest on your checking balance, no minimum balance, and will refund any and all ATM fees you incur worldwide. That last condition really has me tempted to open an account with them and just always keep a couple thousand in there for when I travel. Anyone know if this actually works out as hoped? It's a visa check card for an ATM card, if that helps.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 4:52 PM
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Have not read thread. However, I used to own a rubberized plastic flat thingy for just this purpose. Sorry, Ogged.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 5:21 PM
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221

You lie.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 5:23 PM
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She's politely "sorry", Ogged. Americans have these odd ways of speaking.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 5:25 PM
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Also, jesus, I can type 100wpm? I had no idea. I've spent WAY too much time online.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 5:28 PM
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Some of us absorb text in chunks,

If you read fast enough, you read the chunk as you're typing, before it moves, and then you just keep an eye on things.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 5:31 PM
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Can I just jump into this thread without having read a word of it and announce that I am in a terrible mood and my kid is like Typhoid Mary with this hideous cough and fever that won't go away and I feel like shit and am so so cranky? Have I built up enough goodwill to just announce that, apropos of nothing? I guess we'll see.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 5:57 PM
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I tend to be ranging somewhere between 85 and 110 wpm, depending on - apparently - whether or not the quote comes from A Clockwork Orange, from which I am shit at typing.


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 5:57 PM
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Sybil Vane: banned.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 5:58 PM
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225: I'm so, so sympathetic. My kid was sick all last week (no fever, thank god), and after being housebound all last week I am *still* feeling all depressed and lazy and cranky and it just really pisses me off.

I hope you can make your husband or someone take care of the brat this weekend while you go get a massage or get drunk or otherwise do something frivolous.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:01 PM
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Also, Ogged sucks.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:01 PM
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Woot! Adviser confirms I might just be the king of data analysis, bitchez! I am liveblogging a possible extremely minor scientific victory, here, and you are lucky to be in attendance.

I still think it's probably all going to fall apart once I do that control, though. Grad school is such a fucking scam.


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:02 PM
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My husband is fucking traveling!! Fucking business traveling!!! Fuck! The fever reached 106 at one point. Gah. I want to drink myself into oblivion, and I feel the virus creeping through my system as I type. Also, why do we never talk about how viscerally annoying it is to listen to someone cough uncontrollably? Even if that someone is your 2 yr old kid.

Can I even submit this. I've been banned for the first time, I don't really know how it works.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:03 PM
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Sybil Vane: banned.

You shithead, I showed you dickipedia and this is the thanks I get?


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:06 PM
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Sybil, this is a great opportunity for you -- see if you can beat your kid's temperature at the typing game.

(That sucks. I am sending empathy beams at you.)


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:10 PM
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ATM fees?


Posted by: David Weman | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:14 PM
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235

My husband is fucking traveling!

Time to trade him in for a more reliable model, I guess.

The fever reached 106 at one point.

Man, little kid fevers are the craziest things. Children are made of stronger stuff than adults.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:16 PM
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They shouldn't be allowed to travel, the bastards. I'm coming back round to the idea that the full-time "breadwinner" spouse thing is a crock of shit.

You should totally be allowed to drink yourself into oblivion. If I were there, I would get my niece to babysit, write her a very large post-dated check, and we'd break into my fairly substantial liquor collection.

Also, congratulations Otto, on being a genius, and I'm sorry that the grumpy mommies are shitting on your moment of triumph.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:18 PM
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Sybil, at least two members of my family were sick with a fever over 103 for six weeks this winter. It was hell. And the coughing thing is enough to make even the best parent consider smothering his/her child with a pillow. Well, maybe not the best parents, but certainly me. Long story short: I'm really sorry.

If you were anywhere near here, I'd happily bring you dinner and a bottle of wine. (He writes, hoping that Sybil is not, in fact, anywhere near here. Which is Ketchikan -- just to be safe.) Seriously, if you live in Davis or Sacramento, just say the word. I'll bring you and the little one dinner and drinks. A couple of glasses of wine should take care of even the worst cough for the average toddler.


Posted by: Ari | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:27 PM
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Right, Otto, good work. I love breakthroughs. And genius.

Thanks, B and Apo. I can't believe people have more than one kid.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:28 PM
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I'm sorry that the grumpy mommies are shitting on your moment of triumph.

Sigh. I was just gearing up to do some mommy grumping myself, but I think I'll save it now. Congrats Otto! Sympathy and more sympathy, Sybil and child. My brother's pediatrician says to alternate between ibuprofen and acetaminophen so you don't have to wait as long between doses. You both must be feeling just miserable.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:28 PM
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Sweet, Ari. Atlanta is too far away, so you're off the hook. I finally broke down and gave her the FDA-suspect cough suppressant for kids. I think it's basically wine. Cheap wine, because it's not fucking working.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:30 PM
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GEEZ OTTO WAY TO DECODE THE GENOME OF THE SPACE EBOLA CURRENTLY HAVING IT'S WAY WITH SYBIL'S KIDS BIG ADVANCE THERE YOU INHUMAN MONSTER.


Posted by: OPINIONATED GRUMPY MOM | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:33 PM
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239: No! Join the mommy grumpoff. Otto can deal.

Sybil, is the cough a dry tickly cough as opposed to one of those hacking-up-phlegm coughs? Because if so, use cepacol or something. One of those handy-dandy oral anesthetic coughdrop lollipops for kids. You might have to drag the kid to the pharmacy with you, but at least it'll get you out of the house for a little while.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:34 PM
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240: Oh, we use Delsym. Should I google-proof that? Probably only to save myself a visit from CPS, right? Anyway, we know we shouldn't us that stuff. But our older son, who's prone to upper respiratory infections, is a monster when he doesn't sleep. And Delsym seems to work for him. Especially when administered with a couple of fingers of cheap scotch.


Posted by: Ari | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:35 PM
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I did cepacol and Delsym, fucking nothing is working.There's no shit in her lungs, just an endless dry convulsive cough. I've been feeding her spoonfuls of honey too. Nothing. We are at the Dr today; no signs of infection or what-have-you, but we are apparently now worried about a UTI because she has had a high fever for so long. Fucking great, I can't wait to go in on Monday when she is still fevered and have her catheterized.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:39 PM
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Hey, so, Otto, tell me more.

Data analysis of what? What's the news? I want details, insofar as you can spill 'em.

Please, Otto.

Please.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:42 PM
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I'm really reluctant to stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but do you have friends nearby? If so, make one of them come over NOW, even if only to be there while you're on this horrible vigil. Better yet, have someone come over, take a shower or bath without worrying that your kid might wake up and need you, and then go out for a walk or something. This is what friends are for. Seriously, dealing with a really sick kid while you're alone is not recommended. So promise wine (and whine) and get someone over to your house. Or ignore me, because I smother my kids with pillows after the over-the-counter cough medicines fails to kill them.


Posted by: Ari | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:45 PM
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246 to 244. Though it also works for 245, assuming a broad enough definition of "sick," "kid," and "over-the-counter medicines."


Posted by: Ari | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:47 PM
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Thanks, Ari. I've had some friends over today and actually worked this afternoon on campus.I don't really deserve to be as grumpy as I am. But I will keep this well-appreciated admonishing in mind. The hubby is supposed to be home tonight, late, before leaving again on Sunday, but I can't figure out when because airtran has decided to disavow all knowledge of flight from Dallas to ATL today. Fuckers.

Meanwhile, I think I have to slink off to full on mommy mode for a bit. Thanks for all the well wishing, people. Kisses. Infected ones.


Posted by: Sybil Vane | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:48 PM
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I don't really deserve to be as grumpy as I am.

That is never true.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:55 PM
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Yow. Random things that you may not have thought of that might help some: running a hot shower and sitting with the kid in a steamed up bathroom? Spoonfuls of honey? Warm honey lemonade, if the kid will like it? (If not, put a shot of whiskey in it and drink it yourself?)

And these things always seem endless until they're over. The kid will be fine soon.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 6:55 PM
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142: Oh, fine then. Rory tearfully confessed to a game of spin-the-bottle that her friend talked her into months ago. I debated, but ultimately decided to tell the other kid's mom. Other mom got very angry with me for suggesting it had been her kid's idea ("Well I don't always believe everything my kids tell me, so who knows if Rory's telling the truth."). Then other mom talks to her kid, who confirms the story. Other mom makes kid call me to "apologize and explain what happened." Other kid is hysterical, can barely squeak out a "sorry" between gasping, near-hyperventilating sobs as I try to reassure her that it's okay, she's okay, I'm not angry. The only thing that calms her is me saying, "Honey, I forgive you, it's okay." Her mom gets back on the phone and gives me the full defensive spiel of how strict they are, they take this stuff seriously, can't control what they are exposed to at school, after all there are kids from all different socio-economic classes, kids with single parents...

And I just feel like complete crap because I feel like I got thrown into being a part of shaming and humiliating this poor kid for a stupid mistake. And while I will confess I have not particularly liked this kid because she's not always the nicest and she does pressure Rory and other peers into various and sundry trivial stupidities, I am overwhelmed now with pity. And wish I'd just kept my mouth shut.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:05 PM
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after all there are kids from all different socio-economic classes, kids with single parents...

Wait. Wait a minute.

Your daughter goes to a school with children of single parents?

Are they in the same classes and everything? Oh no, I bet they are.

My god, woman. This is your own child we're talking about here.

I'm appalled.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:09 PM
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Rory tearfully confessed to a game of spin-the-bottle that her friend talked her into months ago.

I must be getting old. When I was a kid spin the bottle was pretty mild sport, and not something that one would ever tell parents about.


Posted by: Idealist | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:15 PM
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Oh, you can barely imagine how shocked and saddened and saddened I was to learn this.

And 251 to 242, not 142....


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:16 PM
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running a hot shower and sitting with the kid in a steamed up bathroom

My version of that last week was to make PK sit in the hot shower by himself (our shower being enormously huge and actually having a platform for sitting in) while I *did other things*. So awesome.

251: Oh, ugh. The poor, poor child. Maybe next time that kid is over to play you can take her aside for a minute and make sympathetic "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get you in huge trouble" noises? Or would that be "undermining"?


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:16 PM
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You know, I'm not above undermining when necessary.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:17 PM
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Or just show her how grownups play spin the bottle.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:20 PM
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Thanks for the congrats, all. I believe the grumps need commiseration more than I need congratulations, as my good vibes of the moment can carry me on my own, so no worries on that front.

As for the what, since Sifu asked: I've got some neurons and some behavior. It's taken me since July to get a big enough dataset that I can start to draw some conclusions. Since early March I've been reading stats textbooks and coding and going back and forth and in circles trying to figure out whether it really means something or whether it's all crap--basically whether we can relate specific parts of the neural activity to specific behavioral parameters. Basically, whether I can say start to build a model of which behavioral variables are upstream and downstream of which other variables and in turn where they sit relative to the neural activity.

Over the past week I've been coming up with a fairly clean and simple way to do it, thanks to this book. Before my first "breakthrough" comment, I added a variable that made everything much cleaner, and hence I was happy. When I showed the shit to the adviser later on, he admitted that there might actually be something there.

So the sum is that I seem to still have a thesis project. The fear was (and still is, since there are still more analytical issues to worry about) that those many months would be a complete failure. I did not (and do not) want to experience said failure.

But it's all bittersweet--so much work, so much risked, for something that in the end is fairly small, and still might not be true. Hence the comment about grad school being a scam.


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:21 PM
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I guess Di doesnt want us to play spin the bottle again at the next Unfogged meetup.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:22 PM
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Neat!

But it's all bittersweet--so much work, so much risked, for something that in the end is fairly small, and still might not be true.

Ain't that science, though?

Did you use any Monte Carlo simulations? Didja? Didja? I betcha did!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:23 PM
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Bummer about the child, Dr. Vane.

Those little bastards can be a pain in the butt. Sniffling, coughing, puking, pooping, convulsing, looking at you with their pathetic little eyes. Geez, I'm glad my son stopped puking.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:24 PM
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256: Then go for it. And promise the girl that in the future you'll be better about keeping secrets, b/c god knows she's gonna get herself knocked up in a couple years and need someone to talk to about where to procure a secret abortion.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:24 PM
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i'm not a pediatrician and generally i'm like afraid to treat kids
Sybil, try to lower your child's fever using cold packs, around the head, but i'm sure you are already doing that
is it whooping cough? but if your doc said it's nothing infectious, there is some kind of bronchospasm going on, allergic? may be she needs corticosteroids, aerosolized ones, did he prescribe it
she drinks a lot of hot drinks i hope, but sure you're also doing that
LB's advice sounds good, just needs to keep warm after the steamy bath and if to try to distract her, cough may subside somehow
and if you have some doubts just call er
i remember in Japan one of our coworker's children got a high fever and seizures because of that high fever, he got very panicked and run to the nearest hospital, it was just two blocks away, so he was running holding his child, i wonder why he did not go by car just got that panicked i guess, and i was walking from the school and saw him and stopped the first car passing by and we went together to the ER
the child just spent a night there and was OK


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:25 PM
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260: That is science. And I have a very torrid love-hate relationship with science at the moment. Much of my class does, in fact. We are a buncha whiners, no doubt.

No Monte Carlo simulations at the moment. There will undoubtedly be plenty of bootstrapping and jackknifing before this is all over though.


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:26 PM
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256, 262:

Give her my number. I'll take good care of her.

I'm thinking about starting an ab/ortion Bed and breakfast. Crass or brilliant?


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:26 PM
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Amen, Bitch. Though hopefully "a couple years" is more like 7 or 8, at least. She'll either be getting an abortion or bombing an abortion clinic by 16. Maybe both.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:27 PM
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HEY NOW?!!!??? Di, get that girl under control. no bombing.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:28 PM
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My brother's pediatrician says to alternate between ibuprofen and acetaminophen so you don't have to wait as long between doses.

This, along with the shower thing LB mentions in 250, are probably the two single most useful sick-kid things I know.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:35 PM
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267: It all turns on whether she is desperate for Mommy and Daddy's approval at 16, or channels her bitterness into rebellion and pissing mommy and daddy off. Maybe I can take her to get piercings at 16 on her way to a pro-choice rally...


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:35 PM
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A tattoo. She needs a tattoo.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:50 PM
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Okay, actually I want a tattoo.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:53 PM
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See? Take her with you.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:53 PM
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I wonder how she'd feel about absinthe. I'm really digging absinthe tonight...

(I jest, of course. She will have to score score cheap liquor on her own like every other budding delinquent. And then she can pressure Rory into drinking it with her.)


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:56 PM
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To think that this thread started with jar-opening. Ogged - Magister Ludi?


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:56 PM
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Can dads grump, too? My ten year old has decided, and is pretty vocal about how I am the worst dad evar because I had the temerity to insist that she finish homework before watching tv. I hate zoey 101. (NB, my other daughter does go to a boarding school in CA so we tease her by asking how their game against PCA went. She also like the on campus sushi bar. As if.)


Posted by: Tassled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 7:59 PM
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We're equal opportunity grumps here!

That said, you made her do homework on a Friday night? You kind of are the worst dad ever.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:04 PM
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Um okay, actually I'm impressed that you get your kid to do her homework and everything, but a boarding school???


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:07 PM
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Oh no, this is left over grumpiness from yesterday. Although I should make her do the book report that is late. Grr I am the mean dad.


Posted by: Tassled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:08 PM
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Doing my best to hold up the side, B. Stand Old Ivy and all that. She did not want to go back east, but didn't like the local fare, so there you are.


Posted by: Tassled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:10 PM
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Oh, okay. Then, grr, kids these days! And yes, Zoey 101 takes annoying to new heights. But, great for those "Wow, that's stupid, I hope you wouldn't do that," sort of teachable moments.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:11 PM
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my other daughter does go to a boarding school in CA so we tease her by asking how their game against PCA went. She also like the on campus sushi bar. As if.

I believe I understand the first 10 words of this perfectly. After that things go south quickly.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:11 PM
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didn't like the local fare

Puhleeze.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:13 PM
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282: there were nasty rumors they had children of single parents in attendance. Just rumors, you understand, but one must be careful.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:18 PM
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For the uninitiated- zoey 101 is a nickelodean show in which our heroine (the now pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears) engages in wacky high jinx at an impossibly posh boarding school (filmed at Pepperdine!) with such ammenities as an on campus sushi bar. Information on the stars recent doings here
http://www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com/2008/04/jamie-lynn-spears-is-scared.html


Posted by: Tassled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:18 PM
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To think that this thread started with jar-opening. Ogged - skipper of the Titanic?


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:19 PM
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282. You're welcome. Actually, she is a day student. And she is the one who wanted to go there.


Posted by: Tassled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:21 PM
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Woo first place 97 wpm!


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:33 PM
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1st again, 83.
1st 93.
1st 95.
1st 98, and that was with mistyping "quiet" a million times, and I was able to identify the quotation as being from The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter even though I've never read it!

Someday I'll break 100.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:37 PM
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Typeracer is so yesterday evening around 7pm.


Posted by: Gonerill | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:39 PM
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Day late and a dollar short; story of my life.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:41 PM
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Don't let anyone tell you that someday never comes.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:42 PM
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By the evidence, 290 took two minutes to type; that's an embarrassing 5 words per minute.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:47 PM
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5 words per minute

That's about the rate it seemed to me (when I first moved to the U.S.) that people talked at. I only later discovered the faster-talking segments of American society.


Posted by: Gonerill | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:55 PM
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You mean dames, right?


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:57 PM
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There are still segments of American society that use the word "dames"?


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 8:58 PM
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Ben's a segment?


Posted by: Ari | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:02 PM
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You mean dames, right?

I was going to say "philosopher dames" but that would mean Mary Warnock, or possibly Onora O'Neill, which would be wrong in several ways.


Posted by: Gonerill | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:03 PM
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Less than a word a minute, Jetpack.


Posted by: Ari | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:03 PM
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Gonerill's wife is a fast-talking dame, IIRC.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:04 PM
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298: nuh uh. Ten words, two minutes.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:06 PM
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Oh. Now I get it.

Shut up, that's why!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:07 PM
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I knew you'd catch up, given time. You're slow but steady.


Posted by: Ari | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:08 PM
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Grad school is such a fucking scam.

Only if you're paying them for it, rather than the other way round. Otherwise, it's only maybe a scam.


Posted by: Dr. Jaded | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:15 PM
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Slow and steady wins the jetpack race. Because everybody else falls to their death, stupid leadfoots.

Not like typeracer. No real stakes, there.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:16 PM
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Today we went to the local art theater to see a presentation of the premier directorial masterwork of the actor whose name closely resembles the phrase "Crisping Lover". He did Q&A afterward, during which he talked for a long, long time. The director of the theater was reduced to holding up a sign that said "IT'S 10:30," which had little effect. Eventually we slipped out and chatted for a little bit with the guy manning the ticket table. "He's still talking?" he said, rather appalled.

"Yeah. He's loquacious," I said.

With immense weariness, he replied, "Tell me about it. I picked up his loquacious ass at 6 this morning."


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:18 PM
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305: I can imagine him being quite remarkably insufferable in person.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:23 PM
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Not even entertainingly a freakazoid! Just very very talky and earnest, like a dorm hall conversation that never ends.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:27 PM
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like a dorm hall conversation that never ends

A truly awful image.


Posted by: Gonerill | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:32 PM
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I'm really digging absinthe tonight...

I drank homemade artisanal absinthe at a friend's house a few weekends ago. I only had three or four glasses and I didn't feel hung-over the next day, but I just could not wake-up. It was very weird. I've had absinthe before and I've never felt any hallucinogenic effects, but an absinthe drunk definitely feels different than any other alcoholic intoxication I've ever experienced.

Rory tearfully confessed to a game of spin-the-bottle that her friend talked her into months ago.

Wasn't this an episode of The Gilmore Girls?


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:40 PM
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This TypeRacer thing is pissing me off. I'll put commas outside the quotation marks if I damn well want to! Also, sometimes there's a slight delay before a letter I type shows up on the screen, causing me to think I mistyped, causing me to actually mistype. The hell? And then it throws vaguely familiar song lyrics at me and I misremember them and type everything all wrong.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:43 PM
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310: typeracer would be much easier if it kept to unfogged conventions.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:52 PM
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307: in many ways, I imagine that describes his life.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 9:52 PM
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Typeracer won't recognize my space bar. So I ended up typing "weturnfuckyou" and closed the window


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:08 PM
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Actually, I just tried again. I seem to type exactly the same speed as I did 10 years ago when I had to take a test for a job. Not nearly fast enough for secretarial positions.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:11 PM
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Wasn't this an episode of The Gilmore Girls?

Oh God, was it? I'm finally watching season 7 this very minute. it's making me cry a little.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:54 PM
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(And yes, the absinthe is a surprisingly rapid, but subtle intoxication. Mmmmm. Happy.)


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 10:56 PM
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I am pleased to report that we have discovered a quite good Chinese restaurant here in Ventura. As so often happens, it was a place that I'd seen several times and dismissed as looking like a strip mall hole in the wall. Mais non.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:05 PM
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I just finally got home from the game -- Nationals beat the Cubs with a walk-off home run in the ninth. I had no idea there were so many Chicagoans here. Good losers, I have to say.


Posted by: NĂ¡pi | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:10 PM
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Comes from decades of practice, surely.


Posted by: Gonerill | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:14 PM
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I believe my brother was one of those Cub fans there tonight. Being a good loser comes from years of practice.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:23 PM
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Shit, I think the one MLB game I've ever seen was a Cubbies game, and it was before I was married. And they lost.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-25-08 11:40 PM
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dismissed as looking like a strip mall hole in the wall.

Many or most of Portland's best Asian restaurants look like that. Out on 82nd.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 4:18 AM
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TLL:

Are you happy with the boarding school experience?

I would HATE, HATE, HATE being away from my son like that, but I have been wondering whether that might not be a great experience for my son. I think he would thrive in that environment and, quite frankly, give him a break from his sister. (and mother too!)


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 5:17 AM
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I added a variable that made everything much cleaner, and hence I was happy.

Ah, data mining, were you? If grad school doesn't work out, give me a call about consulting opportunities. No one ever asks for an experimental protocoll or statistical confidence interval or anything! (Provided you come up with the answer they wanted to hear, that is.)


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 8:44 AM
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I must be getting old. When I was a kid spin the bottle was pretty mild sport, and not something that one would ever tell parents about.

I missed this last night. Yeah, it wasn't the fact of the game so much as how distraught Rory was about it, apparently over a fairly lengthy period that this has been weighing on her. If other kids were feeling even half that bad and having as hard a time talking about it, I wanted their parents to have a chance to address it with them, too. In retrospect, a mistake.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 9:54 AM
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spin the bottle was pretty mild sport

Yeah, Truth or Dare was when the big guns came out.

Bebe: Okay. It's my turn. Stan? Truth or Dare?
Stan: [sweating, but willing. He looks at Wendy, then at her lips, then] Dare. [the girls whisper]
Bebe: Take this stick and jam it up your peehole.
Stan: ...What?!
Wendy: Wow, that sucks!
Bebe: Do you think it'll hurt?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 10:07 AM
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In retrospect, a mistake.

Maybe, but a kind and well intentioned one if so. I am surprised that the other parent was so worked up about the whole thing.

Of course, it is indicative of how bad a kid I was that I cannot remember wanting to tell my parents anything and being afraid to. It was more about trying not to divulge information that might justifiably get me in trouble.


Posted by: Idealist | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 10:30 AM
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I am surprised that the other parent was so worked up about the whole thing.

She just called again and made me cry.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 10:36 AM
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She just called again and made me cry.

That's awful. I'm sorry.

Tell her you took a poll on the Internet and even old, redneck conservative Republicans like me believe that she is an uptight idiot who should go fuck herself.


Posted by: Idealist | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 10:52 AM
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328 made you cry from what?
if happiness and reconciliation, ok :)
if from feeling offended, do not cry, Di, you should not cry b/c some people call you something you are not, just pretend their opinion does not matter that much to you, though you may listen to them attentively, but you'll still keep thinking your opinion is right to you, and sadness will be gone
coz truth has many edges and what is right for them may be not right for you, but both sides are just the different facets of one reality


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 10:56 AM
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329: Dude, you're a California hippie, Republican or no. You have less than no credibility for "Even I think you're uptight."


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 11:27 AM
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I'm in the "old, redneck conservative Republicans" cohort, at least by Unfogged standards, and I too believe that Di's acquaintance is an uptight idiot who should go f**k herself. I feel confident that Karl Rove, Jesse Helms, and others of the same general ilk would agree (though it would be a win-win if said acquaintance is a Democrat).


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 11:44 AM
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328: How the fuck did she make you cry? You should report her to CPS for child abuse.

331 demonstrates zero knowledge of southern California.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 12:52 PM
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Ideal grew up in Davis, not Southern California. His politics are idiosyncratically inexplicable.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 1:28 PM
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His politics are idiosyncratically inexplicable.

I believe you mean subtle and deeply thought out without regard to the straightjacket of standard political categories.


Posted by: Idealist | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 1:33 PM
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Oh, it's largely a function of the fact that I will cry at the drop of a hat, particularly when I am angry or when kids are involved. I'm a sensitive one... Also, stayed up way too late watching TV last night and i get a wee bit fragile and emotional when tired.

Particular tear-jerkers?

Upon being told that I didn't appreciate being made a part of making "Paris" fall to pieces on the phone: "Her dad and I are strict. We think it's important for our kids to take responsibility when they screw up and to feel that pain so that the next time they will remember the pain and hopefully make better choices" and "It was important to us for her to go through that and for you to see that she was taking it seriously." Metaphorically, I feel like she spanked her kid by bending the poor peanut over my knee.

Upon asking and being told what Rory had said about the issue, "Well, I'm just a little shocked as a parent that a parent would just accept that at face value. I mean, I'm not calling Rory a liar, but..." I suppose it is crazy and all, but I'm just kind of inclined to trust my kid until she gives me reason not to.

Sundry comments about how I should know how supportive they have been to my "family" and to Rory with "everything." Yeah, fuck you. Support like not mentioning to me for 6 months that UNG had told half the neighborhood behind my back that we were in counseling. Support like inviting UNG but not me or Rory to Paris' First Communion -- because they had to limit their guest list somehow, and UNG actually goes to mass.

Demanding to know what I think "the next step" should be, because they've already told Paris that I might not ever let her see Rory again and they need to be able to let her know what to expect. Honest to God, What. The. Fuck?!!!

Not being able to understand that conveying that Rory said that a few recent bad choices were Paris' idea is completely different from "judging" Paris. I don't think Paris trying out some stupid ideas makes her a bad person anymore than I think Rory going along with stupid ideas makes her a bad person. I think one child is feeling incredibly powerless and is experimenting with ways of controlling her peers and her environment and the other is feeling insecure and afraid of rejection if she doesn't go along. It doesn't really take a psych degree to figure that one out.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 1:52 PM
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Oh, and yeah, they are Republicans. Eerie how you spotted that...


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 1:55 PM
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Ugh, DK. That poor poor kid. Those people are freaks.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:00 PM
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This might make you feel better (or not): my sister's oldest girl was recently told at a school function that she "looked like a prostitute" by some punk boy in her class. Sis called the kids' parents to let them know.

Parents said that niece "probably took it the wrong way."


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:03 PM
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The irony is every time she made the point about how long I've known them and I should know what their approach to parenting is, I kicked myself a little harder. She's absolutely right. What the hell was I thinking calling her in the first place? I don't think that was how she intended it to come across, of course.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:03 PM
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What the hell was I thinking calling her in the first place?

You were thinking that they're strict and religious and everything, but they love their daughter?


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:05 PM
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Parents said that niece "probably took it the wrong way."

"I'm sure he was just trying to compliment her and suggest she might have lucrative career options in the future."

People suck.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:07 PM
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You were thinking that they're strict and religious and everything, but they love their daughter?

Yeah, well. Won't make that mistake again. Seriously, I don't doubt even now that they love their daughter. I mean, it's not all about trying to prove their super-parent status. But man, she's going to be one messed up little puppy.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:12 PM
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I'm sure they love her. It's just that their love of simplistic moral aphorisms exceeds their curiosity about basic facts of child development and human psychology.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:19 PM
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heh. I forgot to mention the comments about how much expertise they have in child development.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:25 PM
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Oh. Well in that case they're just assholes who probably think that James Dobson is a child development expert.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:25 PM
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Oh dear God. I just looked up the book she was talking about on Amazon. Oh dear God.

Maybe there's a less frightening book with a similar title?!


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:31 PM
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Directly challenging the feminist attack on traditional masculinity, Dr. Meeker demonstrates that the most important factor for girls growing up into confident, well-adjusted women is a strong father with conservative values.

Awesome!


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:34 PM
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From the book's own bullet points:

Why girls depend on the guidance of fathers through, and even beyond, their college years
Recipe for disaster: the notion that girls "need to make their own decisions and mistakes"

Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:39 PM
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Wow. More reason, I guess, that I will need to be having this young villager over often. And redoubling my efforts to make sure Rory is not getting fed a bunch of weird ideas.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:46 PM
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331 demonstrates zero knowledge of southern California.

The shithole part of California is extremely diverse. Lumping the various unique snowflakes is an error.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:47 PM
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The one mistake fathers make that is the primary cause of girls "hooking up"

Letting the little witches leave the house, obvs.


Posted by: Gonerill | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:53 PM
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Where they do evil things like play "spin the bottle."


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-26-08 2:58 PM
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The game in 42 is really addictive and I'm disturbingly slow at it.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 04-28-08 11:51 PM
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