Re: No, I'm Fine

1

I once pulled off the "dry 69."

Isn't pulling off something that doesn't occur during a dry 69?


Posted by: Ugh | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:21 PM
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I thought you went swimming after the French Laundry?


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:21 PM
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"dry 69."

Once again, the internet reveals to me a hitherto unimagined form of sexual deviance.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:24 PM
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Despite having a fine grasp on the concept of a 69 and what dry usually means as a modifier to a sex act, I fail to understand the mechanics of the two in combination. More precisely, I have one concern: how could that be pleasurable for anyone?


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:25 PM
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Tasting the fabric?

That's a terrible idea.


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:26 PM
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A dry 69? Sifu, didn't you drink one of those at Deep Ellum?


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:27 PM
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I have one concern: how could that be pleasurable for anyone?

Are you kidding? In high school???? To be that close to an actual vagina? To have a girl's mouth touch your stuff?

Who am I kidding??!? Rubbing on the outside of clothes can be really hot in the right circumstances. (Did I mention that w-lfs-n's leg was once inches away from my stuff??!???!)


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:28 PM
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Wait, this is the Internet. I didn't think any of us got busy in high school.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:29 PM
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This is to say
sorry for so many question marks and exclamation points.
In my defense, I was very excited.


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:29 PM
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Will: divorce lawyer; horndog; frotteur.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:31 PM
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7: But...wouldn't an alternate be a dry...non-69? isn't that a lot more natural for everyone involved? also involving rubbing...and actual kissing?

sorr.......y for so many ell...ps...s
I have no idea what I am doing.


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:31 PM
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We tried sex while driving on the highway. That was pretty fucking dumb. Couldn't do it due to the constraints of the particular vehicle.


Posted by: Grover Cleveland | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:32 PM
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Couldn't do it due to the constraints of the particular vehicle.

Never fuck a car hot, Grover.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:33 PM
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12 for what it's worth, it's at least as stupid but quite possible on a motorcycle. Just saying.

8: you are confused.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:34 PM
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Plenty of awkward in high school and junior high, but nothing that interestingly awkward. My winner in that category came in early college, having a friend walk in on me and a mutual acquaintance in flagrante delicto on his living room floor after a party.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:34 PM
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This is the thread for awkward moments, Soup Holmes.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:36 PM
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I walked out of the bathroom once to see a friend's girlfriend dressing in the hall, wearing only a t-shirt. She thought everyone was asleep. I said "Hi!" She said "Hi!" I said "How embarrassing!" She said "How embarrassing for us both!"

Did not turn out to be actually embarrassing.


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:37 PM
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16: Ok, ok. We got walked in on at a middle-school dance, does that count? More awkward for her, I guess (her school, not mine).


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:38 PM
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Not getting caught doing anything, but was on a trip with her family one time, had two adjacent hotel rooms, was getting changed with her in the room. Her dad walks in while I'm wearing underwear and starting to put on pants, in my haste to finish dressing (I guess I didn't want him to know I changed in front of his daughter?) I tripped on the pants and tore them.


Posted by: Grover Cleveland | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:41 PM
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Two weeks ago I charged at a three-year-old in my underpants, screaming bloody murder. (I was in my underpants and doing the screaming; he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and looked startled.)

What a great cliff-hanger! I think I'll leave it unexplained for this one comment.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:45 PM
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having a friend walk in on me and a mutual acquaintance in flagrante delicto

That term is especially tasty in sexual context.


Posted by: asl | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:47 PM
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21: have you heard it in some other context? I never have.


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:48 PM
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22- Exactly.


Posted by: asl | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:49 PM
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22: It's one of the rare expressions served as well or better by translation. "In flaming sin" sounds pretty sweet.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:53 PM
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20- Was he playing with a vibrator?


Posted by: asl | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:57 PM
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20, 25: Yay! We haven't had one of these games since Tia left.

Was the three year old a human being?

Was he a historical personage?


Posted by: jms | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 3:59 PM
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Did he say "How embarrassing for us both!"?


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:00 PM
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I really need a pseud for these threads. Not that I've ever been embarrassed by anything, of either a sexual or non-sexual nature, that I've ever done. Ever. Also: I've never felt guilty. Ever.


Posted by: Ari | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:00 PM
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I'm with 4 on the mechanics.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:01 PM
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20: Stumped, other than some lame variant of 25, but whatever the reason I'm confident that you were right to do so.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:01 PM
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I really need a pseud for these threads.

Don't you have one that you used before you started commenting under your real name?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:02 PM
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25: Nope. The truth is tame and unembarrassing.

We've got a cat that attacks strangers, kind of violently, and so we were keeping him locked in the bedroom while we had house-guests.

In the morning, I awoke to the curious three year old inching timidly across the bedroom to play with the kitty. I scared the living shit out of him, charging and screaming, "GET OUT! GET OUT!" and he scampered out.

Afterwards I felt bad and we talked about it.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:02 PM
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28: We should come up with a pseud for your embarrassing revelations. I propose "Eric."


Posted by: jms | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:02 PM
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Nothing especially good in hs, but one of my co-workers and I were getting busy after hours in the back office of the store where we worked. That would have to be the one night when another co-worker realized she'd forgotten her theater tickets in the office and had to go back to retrieve them.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:03 PM
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Crap! I should have previewed and played along with 26!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:03 PM
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32: I awoke to the curious three year old inching timidly across the bedroom to play with the kitty

At least he didn't go into the bedroom where the cat was and get hurt.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:08 PM
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Did not turn out to be actually embarrassing.

Talk about your interrupted letters to Penthouse.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:10 PM
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36 is very similar to a joke from this weekend's Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me about Hello Kitty! condoms. WWDTM said they were real (which made Stephen King strangely happy), but the internet says otherwise.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:16 PM
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Talk about your interrupted letters to Penthouse.

ZOMG, that's not what happened. I just meant that it didn't cause us to be awkward around each other later on.

A combination of
A) She knew the risks when she decided to get dressed in the hallway, therefore I could not be blamed for anything
B) Her pubic region pretty much looked exactly as I would have imagined, therefore there was no sense of shock or amazement on my part
C) Situation defused by banter


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:19 PM
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Her pubic region pretty much looked exactly as I would have imagined

Clearly CN is not Ronaldo.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:22 PM
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Her pubic region pretty much looked exactly as I would have imagined....

Smooth, bro.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:24 PM
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42

Stupid low-hanging fruit.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:24 PM
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31: It wasn't really a pseud.

33: This might work.


Posted by: Ari | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:26 PM
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Well, if it had been shaved into magenta racing stripes or something, there would have been some "he knows my secret!" dynamics going on. But no, nothing out of the ordinary.


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:29 PM
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45

I hope your friend nonetheless at least beat you up on principle, CN.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:35 PM
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46

It was high school and we were ostensibly watching a movie when her mom walked in with a basket of laundry and caught us in a semi-clothed makeout session. I got dressed and hurried out but the awkward part came when I was leaving: I'm sure I caught something like a knowing wink in her mom's eye.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:40 PM
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46. The wink was the invitation to the mother- daughter threeway. Have you learned nothing?


Posted by: Tassled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:46 PM
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Oh, oh—here's an entry for letters-to-Penthouse awkward. I was in the jazz band in high school and we carpooled to go play shows. Since I was a freshman I didn't have a car and cool kids with cars weren't going to let me ride with them, I had to cop a ride with friends and their parents, and in one case, a senior trumpet player who also didn't own a car. Coming back from the concert, we were sitting in the back seat and the girl, while playing it very cool, guided my hand up her skirt. Not even Sketches of Spain left such an indelible impression on me about the discoveries that jazz has to offer.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:47 PM
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An ex of mine tells this story:

He was eleven or twelve, and for some horrible, horrible reason, his mom stayed in the room at the doctor's office while he was getting a physical.

The nurse was in her 50s or 60s, but anyway, the poor little guy pops a boner when she cups him.

THEN! Instead of ignoring it and doggedly avoiding eye contact, the nurse turns to his mother and says, "It's okay, it happens to lots of boys his age."


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:47 PM
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45: But principle also dictates that he punish the scarlet hussy who exposes herself in public. As a result, neither of us dared tell him for fear of his mighty wrath.


Posted by: CN | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:49 PM
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There were a whole host of awkward sexual moment caused by being at a boarding high school, where your teachers and classmates are a perpetual presence.

Probably one of the worst was when my girlfriend and I were rolling on a set of couches in a back corner of the classroom building waayyy after hours (probably 8ish?) when the place is typically abandoned. She was wearing a skirt and we were getting very hot and heavy, when our mutual history teacher, a wonderful older man with full grey viking-style beard, walked past these couches to his office about 10 feet away from us without even breaking pace or giving much indication that he saw anything. As my perpetual adolescent erection subsided, I sort of slid meekly off her and knelt by the couch wide-eyed while we hastily adjusted our clothing.

I suspect any teachers inclined to go back to their offices late quickly got used to such sights, though.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:49 PM
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49: I could imagine a whole rich set of adult kinks stemming from this incident.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:51 PM
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Oh! And here's one on me. Freshman year in college, in Conversational Spanish, we're putting on a play about the OJ Simpson trial. I'm Judge Ito. Whatever I say, people are laughing, so I am hamming it up. I usually loathe this class, because it was super-greek. But everyone seems to be enjoying my silliness.

After class, one of the girls comes over and points at my shoe, and then kind of turns red and leaves, without really saying anything.

I looked down and saw that I had a pair of underpants displayed out perfectly over my shoe. The corner was tucked into my sock, under the cuff of my jeans.

(See, I'd worn them the night before, and pulled everything off to go to bed, so there was a wad of underpants in the leg, in the morning.) Of course, there was no way to explain how reasonable this was.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:52 PM
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my perpetual adolescent erection subsided

This always irritates me to think about in retrospect. Why couldn't nature spread those around a little? Save more of them for your 50s and 60s? It's a cruel joke to have your sexual peak between the ages of 12 and 17.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:54 PM
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53: I could imagine a whole rich set of adult kinks stemming from this incident.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:55 PM
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20: I could imagine a whole rich set of adult kinks stemming from this incident.

This reply seems to work for pretty much any heebie comment.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:57 PM
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PGD: That's just the universes way of telling you to really have a lot of sex between 12 and 17.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 4:57 PM
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It's very kinky to be so RIGHT all the time.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:02 PM
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RIGHTID


Posted by: Golem | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:04 PM
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It is also very right to be so kinky all the time, Heebie.


Posted by: Tassled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:04 PM
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||

Apparently one can now get terabyte drives for $200.

|>


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:05 PM
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At a party at a friend's house, I started making out with this girl who'd been making pretty nasty comments to me all night and telling everyone what I prick I was. One of those 'hate each other but find each other totally hot' things. After about 10 minutes of the hottest kissing ever, we adjourned to my friend's bedroom, to fuck [thinking we were being sneaky].

Anyway, we were both way too drunk to be doing this, and after about 20 minutes of unsatisfactory coitus we both subsided into an uneasy drunken slumber, still naked on my friend's bed. I awoke to find my friend, and all of this girl's friends staring at my pale, naked, kind of pathetic looking teenage body.

My bad-boy insouciance -- I'd fairly effortlessly pulled the hottest girl in the room, despite the fact that she allegedly hated me -- pretty much wrecked, forever.


Posted by: Ramsay MacDonald | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:09 PM
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61: And that's why future generations of adolescents will never get around to having sex with one another.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:10 PM
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61: Now that is hot!


Posted by: ninjaphilosopher | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:16 PM
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65

Sigh. What I wouldn't have given for some awkward sexual moments in high school.

I have, however, (mentally) committed myself to doing this crazy blind date thing this weekend, so with any luck I can have some high school-like awkward sexual moments in the future!


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:25 PM
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This isn't from high school, but it's rather embarrassing nonetheless! Anyway, my honey and I are walking across Central Park in the middle of the night a couple years ago, and I suspect we were both a bit drunk because I said, hey let's go make out in the bushes, and he agreed that it was a smashingly good idea. So we tramp up this hill to find a little clearing in the bushes, and we start making out and taking off our clothes and whatnot. Then we hear a rustle and a cough, and this shambling homeless guy stands up and says, "hey, don't let me disturb you, I just needed to get a drink of water."


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:28 PM
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66 is great!


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:30 PM
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68

Being a child of the 60's, I can be pretty shameless when it comes to sex (most public (and during high school. too): on the floor in the middle of Winterland during a concert). Still, one episode that was a bit embarassing and could have been worse happened after high school. A woman I had been lusting after and had a big crush on made a pass at me at a party we were attending. After everyone else left, we mostly got undressed on the sofa and did--well, most of what one would imagine--and then retired to the bedroom. Several hours later, I got up to get something to drink, and noticed that one of the doors to the room had been left open and had a good view of the sofa--raising the possibility of most anyone walking in. I proceeded to lock that door and the main door to the room (it was a suite) and then went back to bed. Activity resumed. Some time later, we heard a rattle at a door and then someone walked in! It turns out that there were three doors to that particular suite and I had missed one. Luckily, the person who walked in was cool, turned back around and, even though I encountered him severa ltimes afterwards, never said a word about it.


Posted by: Idealist | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:36 PM
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Awkward moments?

Not quite, but this goes toward The Joys of Siblinghood:

The summer between freshman and sophomore years of college, I moved back home; my high school boyfriend (from the same town) did as well. My parents had a finished basement with couch, tv, and so on, and a separate door to the outside. My boyfriend and I had a habit of sneaking in down there and getting busy on the couch after my family had gone to bed.

One night we were beginning to go about our business, to notice a faint whirring sound coming from ... where? 5 minutes of investigation revealed a tape-recorder under the couch, long trailing cord going to the outside door, and a little trip-switch in the corner of the door. Holy shit. Goddamn Radio Shack.

Funny now, but at the time I was enraged. I dragged my brother down to the basement and had it out: he'd intended to record us and give the tape to my mother. O RLY, and what did you think that was going to sound like anyway, eh? Um. You little shit. We engaged in some muted yelling, I declared I was going to tell mom; he smirked (he was 12) until I realized this wasn't the best strategy.

Total stalemate, and a lot of mutual sneering between me and my bro for a while afterwards. Not to mention Very Careful Investigation of the basement through the rest of the summer.

My brother now thinks this is totally hysterical.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:37 PM
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She was wearing stretch pants.

I'm not surprised this one got a link, but I am surprised that the summer camp one didn't. It's a shame that some of our best ones are things that are funniest to recovering evangelicals.


Posted by: Zippy the Comment Frog | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:50 PM
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I missed that one somehow. Although I probably wouldn't have been able to get past the misspelling of Anbesol.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:54 PM
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When I saw this post, there were 69 comments. Swear to god.


Posted by: Chuck | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 5:55 PM
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69 is awesome. Not dry 69, but the comment. Your brother presumably got the idea from any number of TV shows (I sueem to remember it being on The Brady Bunch, The Simpsons, and Clarissa Explains It All).

Also, I think the "Ain't It The Way" thread is perfect the way it is. Nobody else comment there please.


Posted by: Ardent reader | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 6:07 PM
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73.1: Actually, my mother discovered, or surprised, us down in the basement later that summer in any case. Poor boyfriend had to hike it home 3 miles at midnight. My mom and I never spoke of it again. Ain't it the way.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 6:18 PM
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I'd worn them the night before, and pulled everything off to go to bed, so there was a wad of underpants in the leg, in the morning

I surreptitiously pulled underwear and socks and pantyhose (!!) out of one or another leg of my trousers in high school on several occasions.

Definitely the most embarrassing sex story was when my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex in his bed. She was a Very Christian Filipina woman to boot, and not terribly happy about his dating a white girl. The worst part was that in order to leave the apartment, I had to go downstairs and through the living room she was sitting in, but thankfully she was too mortified herself to say anything.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 6:29 PM
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Oh ... so in the first Unfogged post about PS we get chided for editing the IMs too much and how this makes the blog unbelievable. But then we have misspellings and we face Ogged's editorial eye. Sometimes you just can't win.


Posted by: Elmofucker | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 6:31 PM
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One time Elmofucker was fucking Elmo. Elmofucker forget to lock door to bathroom stall! Elmo and Elmofucker fall out onto stage! Everyone see Elmo and Elmofucker. Elmo embawwassed.


Posted by: Elmo | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 6:44 PM
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77: I could imagine a whole rich set of adult kinks stemming from this incident.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 7:12 PM
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A personal peak awkward moment was a one-night stand in the Peace Corps. (Stranded backpacker needed a place to stay, my roommate was away for the weekend, as was everyone else on the school compound, and it was his birthday. One must be hospitable, mustn't one.)

Anyway, I only had a twin bed, which wasn't really big enough for two, so after I dozed off he slipped off to sleep on the couch. And then woke up in the middle of the night and came back in to my bedroom, hoping to renew the festivities. Unfortunately, I wake up slowly and confused -- I woke up with some man in my dark room, standing over me, and didn't remember that I'd just had sex with him a couple of hours ago. I had no idea at all what was going on, and snapped "Who the fuck are you?"

I felt awful about it as soon as I'd woken up enough to remember where I was and what was going on. His feelings were terribly hurt.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 7:19 PM
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Junior year of HS, my girlfriend and I sneaked out of a church youth group activity and were in the backseat of my dad's car parked in a spot that no one would ever think to look. Before we got too far naked (thanks be to Jesus), the pastor showed up, his headlights streaming in the back of the car and illuminating our half-nakedness.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 7:30 PM
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65: Meeting my second CBD as I type. Good luck with yours.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 7:59 PM
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I never did the dry 69, but I've done dry cunnilingus a number of times, including one occasion that led to a particularly awkward scene. I was in my early 20s and visiting my parents. They had a super cute 18 y.o. foreign exchange student living with them. The exchange student and I watched a movie together in the tv room, and one thing led to another, and pretty soon we were on the floor making out. We were both too nervous to take our clothes off with my parents right there in the house, so things plateaued at me sucking her clit through her then-fashionable bicycle-style shorts.

Yes, that had to be the moment for my mother to walk in. She quickly closed the door without saying a word, and never mentioned it again. The exchange student and I got back on the couch, whereupon she gave me a Nivea-facilitated handjob under a blanket.

After that night, we both tacitly agreed to pretend it had never happened.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:02 PM
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"Who the fuck are you?"

That's awesome.

Heebie's story reminds me of being in a diner in some smallish Canadian town with a bunch of attractive young ladies, one of whom, a tall blonde, had clearly caught the eye of the waiter. And while she was mulling her order, she was also fidgeting with something under her sweater and pulled out a piece of lingerie that must have gotten tangled with her clothes the night before. That made his day. Then she fidgeted some more and pulled out another piece of lingerie. That made his week, and while everyone at the table nearly died of laughter, he said "got anything else under there?"

And it was all totally innocent, because this was Canada.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:07 PM
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I encourage the author of 81 surreptitiously to livecomment h/h date.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:08 PM
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I love that people are using Crazy Blind Date.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:08 PM
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Also, I just ate some lukewarm fat. Verdict: tasty!


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:08 PM
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it was all totally innocent, because this was Canada.

Right. They have to dress in layers up north.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:17 PM
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I have to assume that Knecht's representations of rural smalltownia are not, in fact, representative.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:18 PM
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I just ate some lukewarm fat. Verdict: tasty!

Here's some delicious lukewarm fat available by mail order for only $2.99.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:20 PM
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The apparent innocence of Canadians is deceptive.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:21 PM
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I don't know whether the coarse or the fine Teewurst looks more disgusting.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:22 PM
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Dry humping is hot. I've kept it into my adult years. Cloth spreads the sensation out and buffers it sufficiently that you can really grind.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:22 PM
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I have to assume that Knecht's representations of rural smalltownia are not, in fact, representative.

You think Faukner and Flannery O'Connor were just making that shit up?


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:23 PM
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I'll check, but I don't think we ever see Labove sucking Eula Varner's clit.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:27 PM
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Dry humping is hot. I've kept it into my adult years.

When you do it to unsuspecting passengers on crowded metro trains, it's not true dry-humping, PGD.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:28 PM
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96

We already have one frotteur.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:28 PM
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97

Well, not Eula Varner. The exchange student who lived with Eula Varner.


Posted by: Golem | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:30 PM
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98

I guess he does sorta attempt to rape her, kinda. Whatever.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:34 PM
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99

For every Southern boy twenty years old, not once but whenever he wants it, there is the instant when it's still not yet ten o'clock on that summer night in 1983, the movie is playing in the tv room, the exchange student is laid on the couch and ready and the bicycle shorts are already pulled tight and the boy with and his nervousness his clothes still on and probably glancing at the door hoping it won't open and it's all in the balance, it hasn't happened yet, it hasn't even begun yet, it not only hasn't begun yet but there is stll time for it not to begin against that position and those circumstances yet it's going to begin, we all know that, we have come too far with too much at stake and that moment doesn't need even a twenty-year-old boy to think This time.


Posted by: william f. | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:37 PM
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100

And then there was the exchange student, with her bicycle shorts like shining wind, Caddy Caddy.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 8:39 PM
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101

What is this terror? What is this ecstasy? he thought to himself. What is it that fills me with extraordinary excitement?

It is the eighteen-year-old exchange student, he said.

For there she was.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 9:11 PM
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102

My most embarrassing moment was in college when I brought home one of my boyfriends to meet the folks (who were still, until this point, convinced I was a virgin). They left the house to go get groceries or something, so we figured we had an hour or so to have sex in the shower. When he came, holding the shower head for support, he accidentally wrenched it out of the wall. At that instant, we hear the car pulling into the garage, much sooner than expected, threw our clothes on, still dripping wet, and ran downstairs to sit primly on the couch.

My parents came in, stood silently at the door to the living room, and, in a moment of panic, I said, "Will broke the shower head." The next day, my dad installed a new one, and never said a word.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 9:19 PM
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103

99: Why isn't there more Faulkner erotica?


Posted by: Zippy the Comment Frog | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 10:24 PM
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104

Faulknerotica, you could call it.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 10:25 PM
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105

Once, long ago, before I earned my pseudo-born-again 'gold star', I was half-dressed in car with young male companion (immediately post hs) when there was a rap on the window. cop with a baton knocking on window. cop asks what we are doing, and the guy replies that he was "just dropping her off officer"-- to which the cop responds, "well, next time you want to 'drop her off' in this neighborhood, don't."


Posted by: anonymouslesbian | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 10:37 PM
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106

I posted this here once before, but I can't find the link: Once my mother found a used condom in the toilet, and her response was to offer to teach me and my girlfriend (together) the rhythm method.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 11:41 PM
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107

Oh shit, I forgot my by-far most embarrassing sexual incident, but it was in public, and it was with a lady, and boy, I keep repressing that motherfucker until I forget how horrified my friend's face was while telling me about this unbelievably horrible thing that just happened when she walked in on two chicks going at it in a public bathroom and I said, "That was me and I am so fucking sorry but she was really really hot and also totally on a lot of cocaine and I am drunk. I'm going home now, I promise."


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 11:46 PM
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108

1)Dry 69? Worst of both worlds. Only a teenager could conceive of such an abomination.
2)You people are second hand prudes. My parents have walked in on me a)in flagrante, b) mutually next to each other, c)in different kind of flagrante, d) one of us under a blanket, three times, two to one in her favor. My father still thinks I'm a proverbial mack, contemporary evidence notwithstanding. Me, I've learned to ignore shame.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 05- 5-08 11:59 PM
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109

108: I'm guessing you aren't and have never been a Baptist. Fucking hippies.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 12:04 AM
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110

No, regular Lutheran. Given 107, though, I'm thinking of converting. (rimshot)


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 12:13 AM
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111

81 was me. Date was fine until I started making jokes about how I'm bad at dating.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 12:42 AM
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112

But seriously:
When it came to my "serious relationship" (the girl for whom I still pine) my parents were sanguine, if not cool, with my sexual activity.
PS. I apologize for my flippancy.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 12:58 AM
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113

I'm afraid my time average is still so basically virginal that I have no good stories of my own, but here's a second-hand dorm one: a friend's brother was brushing his teeth in a Cal Unit --- dorm coed bathroom very late at night. Hee noticed, in the mirror, that at the far end of the row of stalls behind him two shoes were peaking out of the stall door, they were quite different, and they were not really pointing in the same direction. He went out into the hallway, gathered his floormates and their cameras and their stepping stools, and carefully the whole gang tiptoed into and upto the stall and up they went . . .and they have several perfect face and shoulders only shots of the his-and-her looks of complete horror. . .

After the brother told us this story my friend turned to me and reiterated a rule we had formulated during a tumultuous freshman year: never have sex near or with freshmen. Including yourself.


Posted by: Ile | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 1:55 AM
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114

Date was fine until I started making jokes about how I'm bad at dating.

Oh noohzz, self-sabotage!

The next time the urge to make an emo comment strikes, washerdreyer, smile and tell her "You know, I was worried that this kind of meeting could be awkward, but I'm having such a nice time with you, it doesn't feel the least bit awkward." Whether you mean it or not, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 5:48 AM
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115

99 is a gem. I doff my hat to the pseudonymous author.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 5:52 AM
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116

I'm guessing you aren't and have never been a Baptist.

For any who have never heard, it is a well-worn adage that Baptists forbid premarital sex on the grounds that it might lead to dancing.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 5:57 AM
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117

115 seconded. That I didn't first it is to my eternal shame.
116: You know you should always take two Methodists fishing, right? If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 6:22 AM
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118

(further rimshot)


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 6:23 AM
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119

First visit home with new lady. First night, not having seen each other for a while, we sneak off to my old bedroom. A highly successful sex is achieved.

The next day, confronted by my mother; "do you know your sister spent last night sleeping on the sofa?" (her bedroom is next door) Oh really? "Well, even if you've grown up....good in bed you can show some consideration and keep it down!"


Posted by: Banastre Tarleton | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 6:34 AM
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111: 81 was me. Date was fine until I started making jokes about how I'm bad at dating.

Take this date... please!

Why did my last date cross the road? I have no idea. she did was moving away so fast that I didn't have a chance to ask.

I'm not saying most of my dates don't end well but my only health risk is carpal tunnel.

I'm not saying that I'm a bad dater, but I got an anonymous note in my mailbox that said "Don't call me" in cut out newspaper letters.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 7:03 AM
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121

Early 20's, bringing home some girl for the first time. I hit the light switch for the hallway as we stumbled back to my room together, only to learn that my roommate had replaced every bulb in the house with red party bulbs. Somehow she managed to simultaneously convey contempt, surprise, and intrigue.


Posted by: George Romney | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 7:04 AM
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122

120.2: did


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 7:06 AM
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123

120: Could be worse. You could have a girlfriend that could only keep it shut by biting. "Were you in a fight? I paid good money for this school, and you're still fighting, what's wrong with you?" etc..., says Mom, as I walk out of the shower. Well, maybe better. But still I caught hell over the bruises.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 7:09 AM
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124

You could have a girlfriend that could only keep it shut by biting

Been there, seen it, done it. Had the bite that went septic.


Posted by: Banastre Tarleton | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 7:16 AM
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125

Had the bite that went septic..
Fine, you win.
Of course, you know what the yanks say in the UK: "Once you go septic, you don't need to worry about your peptic." I think we need a new slogan.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 7:41 AM
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125: I know 'septic' is 'Yank', but what's 'peptic'?


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 7:56 AM
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127

Sprinkle a little existential doubt on #99 and you'd have the beginning of an awesome Walker Percy novel.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 7:58 AM
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128

"Peptic ulcer" = ...."bursar", of course.

The Yanks hook you up with bribes to streamline the financial aid process.

Less true now with the tanking of the dollar, of course.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 8:31 AM
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129

This isn't my story, but it's great, so to hell with the sanctity of off-blog whatever it is:

Two of my friends, dating, during high school: he was a blue-haired malcontent, she was the daughter of a judge. They were at her house, and things had progressed to the point that his hand was well and truly down her pants. Suddently, the door opened, and there was her father. Thinking fast, my friend sprang to his feet and said "how do you do, judge?", while extending his hand.

It's hard to render to "squiiirk" sound of the handshake onomatopoeically, but I'm sure you can imagine it.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:00 AM
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130

Mark my words, the story in 129 will show up in the screenplay to American Pie V: Class Reunion.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:04 AM
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131

He told that story a lot. I have plausible deniability.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:06 AM
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132

I'm guessing he was the guy with the Mighty Mouse shirt and the cowboy hat in that picture you showed us.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:09 AM
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133

Nope. Not a bad guess, though, all things considered.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:11 AM
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134

I have to assume that Knecht's representations of rural smalltownia are not, in fact, representative.

Not representative in what way?

People in cars parked on back roads? Check.

Exchange students spicing things up in all their liberal Europeanness? Check.

(Not that I was experiencing those things myself when I lived in smalltownia, because I had Jesus. Like, for real had Jesus, not like all those people hooking up at youth group.)


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:36 AM
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135

134: did you and Jesus ever get walked in on?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:41 AM
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129: I once had the somewhat opposite experience, of avoiding a fathers proffered handshake for the same reason.

Yeah, that was awkward.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:41 AM
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137

136: because he had his hand down your girlfriend's pants?


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:43 AM
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138

137: the back of her pants. Remember, opposite!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:45 AM
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139

Not representative in what way?

I knew Blume would have my back on this one.

Not that I was experiencing those things myself when I lived in smalltownia, because I had Jesus. Like, for real had Jesus, not like all those people hooking up at youth group.

Out of curiousity, Blume, what caused you to stray from the Path of Righteousness? And do your former neighbors see you as an object lesson, your once-Christian spirit profaned by the secular filth emanating from that godless liberal university you attended in the Big City?


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 9:59 AM
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140

Pot, Kierkegaard, and my good-faith endeavors to learn more about the history of Christianity.

Former neighbors don't have such a clear picture of my Big City life. There were some bad years with my mom -- the high point was when she sent me a copy of the book Can Man Live Without God?, and began plotting to convert my Indian boyfriend away from paganism -- but now we pretty much ignore the topic.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:14 AM
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141

I understand 1 and 3, but Kierkegaard?


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:16 AM
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142

As a former insider, the Kierkegaard thing makes sense to me.


Posted by: Zippy the Comment Frog | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:17 AM
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your once-Christian spirit profaned by the secular filth emanating from that godless liberal university you attended in the Big City

That's not a very nice thing to call Tweety.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:17 AM
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Domino effect-- not so much Kierkegaard by himself, but all the stuff that sets off. First existentialist, ya know.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:19 AM
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I emanate from no University. I am the very godless filth of the Universe!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:19 AM
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That's not a very nice thing to call Tweety.

Oh, things were long profaned before he came along. He just gets to reap the benefits.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:20 AM
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147

timing is everything.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:21 AM
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148

Yes, that's the secret of comedy.


Posted by: washerdreyer | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:28 AM
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140, 142: There's a great scene in Carl Dreyer's Ordet, when the priest asks the character Mikkel about his brother Johannes, who has gone insane and thinks he's Jesus. The dialogue goes something like:

"Has he always been like this?"
"It happened while he was at University."
"Was it a love affair?"
"No. It was Soren Kierkegaard."


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:32 AM
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150

Pot

Pol?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:35 AM
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151

Yeah, you know, that 'how could bad things happen to good people' thing.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:39 AM
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Not representative in what way?

KR's family always seems incongruously urbane.

On the train I was thinking that no godless liberal europiennes ever came to my sleepy little burg, until I remembered that my sister's host sister from when she spent the summer in Finland came to stay with us for a while once. Ha!


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 10:59 AM
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153

Something is wrong with me; this thread is way hotter than 99% of the smut I've read or written.


Posted by: NBarnes | Link to this comment | 05- 6-08 12:42 PM
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154

Or maybe something is wrong with the smut you've read or written.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 05- 7-08 7:31 AM
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155

Yeah "Nuts & Volts", despite the title, is not really technically erotica.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 7-08 7:39 AM
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