the maid stole more than $40,000 worth of jewelry from the home despite not wearing any clothes
That seems like it would hurt.
I'm having some trouble understanding this one.
Like why the wife believes this story?
3: what truth could he possibly be covering up that would be more embarrassing than this?
4: he hired a hooker and paid her in his wife's jewelry? Just for one example.
"No, honey, of course I didn't give your Grandma Kate's heirloom necklace to the perky little tramp the neighbors saw prancing about here with the feather duster! I hired her to clean! I wasn't even home!"
He pawned the jewellery himself in order to pay gambling debts (blew it all on Laughing Boy in the 2.30) and is now making up a hopeless excuse? Or is that too PG Wodehouse?
That must have been a heck of a blow job and some amazing drugs.
I'm willing to bet that they had sex, then she stole some jewelry right in front of him, saying to him "F-you! What are you going to do about it? Tell your wife??!?!?! hahahahahaha Sucka!"
he hired a hooker and paid her in his wife's jewelry? Just for one example.
I doubt that - Spitzer aside, $40,000 buys a lot of services from a hooker. It probably was theft.
8: Once again, will reveals his superior insight into such situations.
5 - that betrays slightly more moral turpitude than hiring a nude maid, but considerably more nous than letting the nude maid steal your wife's stuff. Overall, I think it's actually an improvement...
9: well, who knows if he knew the value of what she was taking. Will could well have it right; they have sex, then she blackmails him into giving her something near-at-hand.
12: And maybe it was only about $10K worth of stuff and they are further trying to rip off the insurance company. Wheels within wheels.
12: More fool her - he did tell his wife...
So he hired a nude maid and left her alone?
Now that's what I call conspicuous consumption!
Or maybe he was expecting Nadine Velazquez but instead got Aloma Wright?
maybe it was only about $10K worth of stuff and they are further trying to rip off the insurance company.
I feel so ashamed that I didn't think about this one.
JP wins. I wonder how long ago the policy was increased to include the jewelry.
Was the man unable to identify the woman, except to describe her as in her young twenties, tanned, fake boobs, and blond hair?
I'd search the house. The couple still has the jewelry.
You are supposed to have SEX with the nude maid? I have wasted a LOT of cleaning supplies. . . I had no idea these things were so regimented.
And is the nude maid also supposed to clean? Before or after the sex? I am thinking there might be some "bad naked" involved.
I am thinking there might be some "bad naked" involved.
You babble, sir.
I think that was intended as a waggly-eyebrow "bad," Minivet. And I would think, efficiency-wise, cleaning after the sex makes the most sense.
18: Are you insinuating that the man and the maid were touching their respective inappropriates together? Oh my.
19, 20: It's a Seinfeld reference, yo.
As anyone who has been to a nude beach can attest, there is such a thing as bad naked.
Yes, there is bad naked. No, large, sweaty German man lost in a man, I do not wish to see you up-close and naked, even if it is not your fault that you are lost, and I am lost as well. Let us part ways forthwith.
Well, I will certainly attest that there is such a thing as ugly naked.
(Somewhat pwned by 24, actually... )
there is such a thing as bad naked
Also such a thing as Bif Naked.
Well, I will certainly attest that there is such a thing as ugly naked.
You've been peeking into my windows, havent you?
25: Explain the UNG thing to me, because I must have missed it the first time. Is it that you found him ugly, and yet he insisted on being naked in your presence? Or that he was OK-looking when clothed, but being nake bared (smirk) his ugliness? Did you always find him ugly, or did you arrive at this conclusion as a sort of "reverse halo effect"? If the former, were you aware of his ugly nakedness (or naked ugliness) before your nuptials?
Inquiring minds want to know!
I like to imagine that Knecht uses "Nake" the way the ultimate warrior uses "Foke"; just as "Focus" has "us" in it, which rankles UW with its implications of collective action, "naked" has "ed" in it, which conflicts with Knecht's desire not to imagine people named Ed without their clothes on.
29: Okay, lucky for you Knecht, there has been a recent, possibly limited-time-only revival of the blog. Explanation of UNG is here.
31: Thanks, I'd been wondering about that as well. I've never followed the greater Unfogged blogosystem, so I tend to miss out on some of these things.
In retrospect, I'm thinking maybe I should have tidied up a bit before inviting guests over...
I wasn't going to say anything, but I sat on this cellphone playing Barry White, it might be broken now.
Coming soon to the back room of a video store near you: The Good Naked, the Bad Naked, and the Ugly Naked
I'm guessing there are as-yet unexplored possibilities in the "nude Western" genre.
I'm guessing there are as-yet unexplored possibilities in the "nude Western" genre.
I think I've seen that version of Two Mules for Sister Sara.
31: I know someone who actually did live for over a year in a house divided up by chalklines, with a time schedule for the bathroom and kitchen. If either spouse had left it would have been abandonment. I can imagine either one of them sitting on the toilet smiling while the other one crossed their legs waiting for the hour to turn.
I'm guessing there are as-yet unexplored possibilities in the "nude Western" genre.
Paging M/tch M/ills, paging M/tch M/ills!
The Last Hard Men works without any modification. I would also propose G-String Full of Dollars and True Strip.
The Wild Butt, For A Few Dollars More obviously stays as it is, Fort O' Paunchy...
So, on the topic of this being a real genre, I can't be the only person here who's seen Lust In The Dust, can I?
The Last Hard Men works without any modification. I would also propose G-String Full of Dollars and True Strip.
Also The Pleasure of Sierra Madre, starring Sierra Madre.
For a Few-Dollars Whore—too oblique.
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly can stay as it is.
Dick, You Sucker
In my opinion, anyone working as a nude maid deserves whatever she's capable of stealing from her creepy clients.
That said, I'm sure JP's right and this is some fradulent shit. Assholes.
She Wore a Yellow Ribbon works as-is, given appropriate poster art.
Duck, You Sucker works in the original, although Fuck, You Sucker will do for those without much anatomical imagination.
49 would win if it referenced a proper Western.
Shit, I thought it was a Western. Nevermind!
The Magnificent Seven Inches.
The soft bigotry of low expectations.
The Man Who Money-Shot Liberty Valance
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Go to San Francisco
61: Either that or, you know, funny.
Unchanged titles are cheating, although it's striking how many Western titles do work as porn titles.
Johnny Dick-Hard? Eh, pretty lame.
Okay, then Butch Cassidy and the San Francisco Kid.
If I ever teach a course about Westerns again, I'm totally going to have to point out how many of the titles sound porny.
The Assignation With Jesse James By The Turbid Rogerin' Ford
72: Let me guess, three hours of being bored to death by meaningful camera glances.
72: Let me guess, three hours of being bored to death by meaningful camera glances.
No, that's A Year in Marion's Bed.
Geez this hasn't been used yet?
The Cockfighter
$3.10 For You, Ma
Incest porn. It's real.
3:10 to Zoom-a
So what if I'm pwned? Mine's better.
B hasn't read the thread. B hasn't read the threeea-aaa-ad.
Way Out Breast
Angel and the Bad Man.
That's not changed, but it really is just too perfect.
Blue Steel Balls.
(93: Crap, I knew "cooch" had been used but I thought it was in a compound word. Bad memory, me.)
Unchanged titles are cheating, although it's striking how many Western titles do work as porn titles.
yes, I should have just said The Treasure of Sierra Madre, starring Sierra Madre.
also, Ride the High Co-ed
Okay, did you guys know there was a western tv show called "Action in the Afternoon"?
The porn version, of course, would be "More Action in the AFternoon."
Cunt Ball You
She humped a man in Cock City, Wyomin'
Cock City, Wyomin', humped a man it's true
And that is why they're a-bangin'
Bangin' Cuntt Ball You
Cunt Ball You, Cunt Ball-You-ou-ou
She's wet and nasty through and through
the best unchanged title I can find is Budddd Boetticher's Seven Men From Now.
Wait! here's another one.
"Jeremiah's Johnson" appeared on the Simpsons once.
and that's just the ones starting with R
Best unchanged one I can think of:
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
IYKWIM
The Cow-eyed Cockboys of Calico County
Seriously, though: Lust In The Dust. Might be the only Western featuring Divine. Features immortal dialogue like: "Why do they call you 'Red Dick'?" "Cuzza my hair."
Absolute genius.
I really like the "starring X" convention. I especially like it in combination with the following:
Rough Riders of X
Riders of (the) X
Riders in (the) X
Youngstuds
How the Breast Was Wonderful