Re: Insufficiently Kinky: $40,000 Penalty

1

the maid stole more than $40,000 worth of jewelry from the home despite not wearing any clothes

That seems like it would hurt.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:15 AM
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1: no, she could have just worn it...


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:23 AM
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I'm having some trouble understanding this one.

Like why the wife believes this story?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:23 AM
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3: what truth could he possibly be covering up that would be more embarrassing than this?


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:28 AM
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4: he hired a hooker and paid her in his wife's jewelry? Just for one example.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:32 AM
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"No, honey, of course I didn't give your Grandma Kate's heirloom necklace to the perky little tramp the neighbors saw prancing about here with the feather duster! I hired her to clean! I wasn't even home!"


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:33 AM
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He pawned the jewellery himself in order to pay gambling debts (blew it all on Laughing Boy in the 2.30) and is now making up a hopeless excuse? Or is that too PG Wodehouse?


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:35 AM
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That must have been a heck of a blow job and some amazing drugs.

I'm willing to bet that they had sex, then she stole some jewelry right in front of him, saying to him "F-you! What are you going to do about it? Tell your wife??!?!?! hahahahahaha Sucka!"


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:35 AM
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he hired a hooker and paid her in his wife's jewelry? Just for one example.

I doubt that - Spitzer aside, $40,000 buys a lot of services from a hooker. It probably was theft.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:35 AM
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8: Once again, will reveals his superior insight into such situations.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:37 AM
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5 - that betrays slightly more moral turpitude than hiring a nude maid, but considerably more nous than letting the nude maid steal your wife's stuff. Overall, I think it's actually an improvement...


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:38 AM
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9: well, who knows if he knew the value of what she was taking. Will could well have it right; they have sex, then she blackmails him into giving her something near-at-hand.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:40 AM
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12: And maybe it was only about $10K worth of stuff and they are further trying to rip off the insurance company. Wheels within wheels.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:48 AM
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12: More fool her - he did tell his wife...


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 10:48 AM
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So he hired a nude maid and left her alone?

Now that's what I call conspicuous consumption!

Or maybe he was expecting Nadine Velazquez but instead got Aloma Wright?


Posted by: Michael | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 11:28 AM
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maybe it was only about $10K worth of stuff and they are further trying to rip off the insurance company.

I feel so ashamed that I didn't think about this one.

JP wins. I wonder how long ago the policy was increased to include the jewelry.

Was the man unable to identify the woman, except to describe her as in her young twenties, tanned, fake boobs, and blond hair?

I'd search the house. The couple still has the jewelry.


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 11:33 AM
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You are supposed to have SEX with the nude maid? I have wasted a LOT of cleaning supplies. . . I had no idea these things were so regimented.


Posted by: ImFineReally | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 11:41 AM
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18

And is the nude maid also supposed to clean? Before or after the sex? I am thinking there might be some "bad naked" involved.


Posted by: ImFineReally | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 11:44 AM
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I am thinking there might be some "bad naked" involved.

You babble, sir.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 12:17 PM
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I think that was intended as a waggly-eyebrow "bad," Minivet. And I would think, efficiency-wise, cleaning after the sex makes the most sense.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 12:22 PM
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18: Are you insinuating that the man and the maid were touching their respective inappropriates together? Oh my.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 12:23 PM
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19, 20: It's a Seinfeld reference, yo.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 12:26 PM
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As anyone who has been to a nude beach can attest, there is such a thing as bad naked.


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 12:44 PM
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Yes, there is bad naked. No, large, sweaty German man lost in a man, I do not wish to see you up-close and naked, even if it is not your fault that you are lost, and I am lost as well. Let us part ways forthwith.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 12:46 PM
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25

Well, I will certainly attest that there is such a thing as ugly naked.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 12:54 PM
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26

(Somewhat pwned by 24, actually... )


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 12:55 PM
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there is such a thing as bad naked

Also such a thing as Bif Naked.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 12:58 PM
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Well, I will certainly attest that there is such a thing as ugly naked.

You've been peeking into my windows, havent you?


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 1:02 PM
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25: Explain the UNG thing to me, because I must have missed it the first time. Is it that you found him ugly, and yet he insisted on being naked in your presence? Or that he was OK-looking when clothed, but being nake bared (smirk) his ugliness? Did you always find him ugly, or did you arrive at this conclusion as a sort of "reverse halo effect"? If the former, were you aware of his ugly nakedness (or naked ugliness) before your nuptials?

Inquiring minds want to know!


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 1:25 PM
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I like to imagine that Knecht uses "Nake" the way the ultimate warrior uses "Foke"; just as "Focus" has "us" in it, which rankles UW with its implications of collective action, "naked" has "ed" in it, which conflicts with Knecht's desire not to imagine people named Ed without their clothes on.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 1:29 PM
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29: Okay, lucky for you Knecht, there has been a recent, possibly limited-time-only revival of the blog. Explanation of UNG is here.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 1:39 PM
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31: Thanks, I'd been wondering about that as well. I've never followed the greater Unfogged blogosystem, so I tend to miss out on some of these things.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 2:09 PM
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In retrospect, I'm thinking maybe I should have tidied up a bit before inviting guests over...


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 2:12 PM
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34

I wasn't going to say anything, but I sat on this cellphone playing Barry White, it might be broken now.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 2:18 PM
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Coming soon to the back room of a video store near you: The Good Naked, the Bad Naked, and the Ugly Naked

I'm guessing there are as-yet unexplored possibilities in the "nude Western" genre.


Posted by: My Alter Ego | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 2:34 PM
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I'm guessing there are as-yet unexplored possibilities in the "nude Western" genre.

I think I've seen that version of Two Mules for Sister Sara.


Posted by: ed bowlinger | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 2:42 PM
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31: I know someone who actually did live for over a year in a house divided up by chalklines, with a time schedule for the bathroom and kitchen. If either spouse had left it would have been abandonment. I can imagine either one of them sitting on the toilet smiling while the other one crossed their legs waiting for the hour to turn.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 3:04 PM
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I'm guessing there are as-yet unexplored possibilities in the "nude Western" genre.

Paging M/tch M/ills, paging M/tch M/ills!

The Last Hard Men works without any modification. I would also propose G-String Full of Dollars and True Strip.



Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 3:45 PM
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Fun with Katie Elder.


Posted by: Not Prince Hamlet | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 3:50 PM
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40

The Wild Butt, For A Few Dollars More obviously stays as it is, Fort O' Paunchy...

So, on the topic of this being a real genre, I can't be the only person here who's seen Lust In The Dust, can I?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 3:55 PM
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The Last Hard Men works without any modification. I would also propose G-String Full of Dollars and True Strip.

Also The Pleasure of Sierra Madre, starring Sierra Madre.


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 3:58 PM
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For a Few-Dollars Whore—too oblique.

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly can stay as it is.

Dick, You Sucker


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:00 PM
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43

The Strippers


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:01 PM
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44

Bring Me Some Head, Alfredo Garcia


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:02 PM
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45

Stagedcooch


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:09 PM
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46

In my opinion, anyone working as a nude maid deserves whatever she's capable of stealing from her creepy clients.

That said, I'm sure JP's right and this is some fradulent shit. Assholes.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:14 PM
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47

They Died With Their Cocks Out


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:17 PM
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48

Shame


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:18 PM
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49

Five Easy Nieces


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:18 PM
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Hi, Poon(tang)


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:19 PM
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Unforeskiven


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:20 PM
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She Wore a Yellow Ribbon works as-is, given appropriate poster art.


Posted by: Not Prince Hamlet | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:21 PM
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53

Duck, You Sucker works in the original, although Fuck, You Sucker will do for those without much anatomical imagination.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:22 PM
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54

The Great Plain Knobbery


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:22 PM
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The Magnificent Seven Inches.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:23 PM
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56

The Seven-inch Samurai.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:24 PM
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57

49 would win if it referenced a proper Western.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:24 PM
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The Poon, The Tang, And Big Ugly


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:24 PM
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The Man who Fucked Liberty Valance.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:24 PM
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Shit, I thought it was a Western. Nevermind!


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:25 PM
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The Magnificent Seven Inches.

The soft bigotry of low expectations.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:25 PM
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The Man Who Money-Shot Liberty Valance


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:25 PM
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Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Go to San Francisco


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:25 PM
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Head Man


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:26 PM
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Boneanza


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:26 PM
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66

Brokeback Mountain can stay as it is.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:27 PM
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61: Either that or, you know, funny.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:27 PM
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68

Unchanged titles are cheating, although it's striking how many Western titles do work as porn titles.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:27 PM
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69

Johnny Dick-Hard? Eh, pretty lame.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:28 PM
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70

Once Upon A Time In Mae West


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:28 PM
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Okay, then Butch Cassidy and the San Francisco Kid.

If I ever teach a course about Westerns again, I'm totally going to have to point out how many of the titles sound porny.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:28 PM
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The Assignation With Jesse James By The Turbid Rogerin' Ford


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:29 PM
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Prances With Wolves


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:29 PM
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70: excellent.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:29 PM
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Raw Hide.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:29 PM
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Raw Hide.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:30 PM
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The Big Cunty


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:30 PM
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Raw Hide.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:30 PM
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Raw Hide.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:30 PM
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80

Wow, sorry about that.



Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:31 PM
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72: Let me guess, three hours of being bored to death by meaningful camera glances.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:31 PM
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The Great Train Pull.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:31 PM
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Flaming Saddles


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:32 PM
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72: Let me guess, three hours of being bored to death by meaningful camera glances.

No, that's A Year in Marion's Bed.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:32 PM
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Shy Anne.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:32 PM
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Bone Anza.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:33 PM
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87

Geez this hasn't been used yet?

The Cockfighter


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:33 PM
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$3.10 For You, Ma

Incest porn. It's real.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:33 PM
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Lonesome Stud


Posted by: Not Prince Hamlet | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:34 PM
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3:10 to Zoom-a

So what if I'm pwned? Mine's better.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:34 PM
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The Wild Cooch.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:34 PM
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Bad Day With Black Cock


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:34 PM
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93

B hasn't read the thread. B hasn't read the threeea-aaa-ad.

Way Out Breast


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:35 PM
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94

Angel and the Bad Man.

That's not changed, but it really is just too perfect.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:36 PM
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95

Blue Steel Balls.

(93: Crap, I knew "cooch" had been used but I thought it was in a compound word. Bad memory, me.)


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:36 PM
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Unchanged titles are cheating, although it's striking how many Western titles do work as porn titles.

yes, I should have just said The Treasure of Sierra Madre, starring Sierra Madre.


also, Ride the High Co-ed


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:37 PM
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Creampie With Their Boots On


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:38 PM
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Bunsmoke


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:38 PM
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Cum-Dodge City


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:39 PM
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100

Hopadong Cassidy


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:39 PM
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101

Okay, did you guys know there was a western tv show called "Action in the Afternoon"?

The porn version, of course, would be "More Action in the AFternoon."


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:40 PM
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The Bone Ranger.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:41 PM
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103

Pulling a Wagon Train.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:42 PM
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Whore O.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:42 PM
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Bone-anza.


Posted by: TJ | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:43 PM
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Darn


Posted by: TJ | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:43 PM
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107

The Ox/Ho Incident


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:44 PM
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Cunt Ball You

She humped a man in Cock City, Wyomin'
Cock City, Wyomin', humped a man it's true
And that is why they're a-bangin'
Bangin' Cuntt Ball You

Cunt Ball You, Cunt Ball-You-ou-ou
She's wet and nasty through and through


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:44 PM
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109

The Wild Bunch of Co-eds


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:45 PM
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110

the best unchanged title I can find is Budddd Boetticher's Seven Men From Now.

Wait! here's another one.

"Jeremiah's Johnson" appeared on the Simpsons once.


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:45 PM
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111

Goin Down in the Valley


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:45 PM
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The Cock and Balls of Judge Roy Bean


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:46 PM
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113

Little Big Man, IYKWIMAITTYD


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:47 PM
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Don't Come (Boot Knockin')


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:47 PM
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115

No Cunt for Old Men


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:48 PM
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116

Little Cathouse on the Prairie


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:49 PM
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117

The Apple Pumplin' Gang


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:49 PM
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118

real movie

Another real movie

Another real movie

and that's just the ones starting with R


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:50 PM
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119

The Outcasts Poke Her Flat


Posted by: ed bowlinger | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:52 PM
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120

Best unchanged one I can think of:

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
IYKWIM


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:53 PM
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121

The Cow-eyed Cockboys of Calico County


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:54 PM
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122

Seriously, though: Lust In The Dust. Might be the only Western featuring Divine. Features immortal dialogue like: "Why do they call you 'Red Dick'?" "Cuzza my hair."

Absolute genius.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 4:56 PM
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I really like the "starring X" convention. I especially like it in combination with the following:

Rough Riders of X
Riders of (the) X
Riders in (the) X


Posted by: ed bowlinger | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 5:03 PM
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124

Youngstuds

How the Breast Was Wonderful


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 5:10 PM
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125

Cat Ballou ... and How!


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05-28-08 5:33 PM
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No, best unchanged title:
Chisum


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05-29-08 2:59 AM
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Annie, Wet Your Cunt


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 05-29-08 6:21 AM
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