Re: If the unwanted squeezing of w-lfs-n's genitals is a crime, let me be guilty!

1

But I *do* want you to squeeze my genitals, Labs.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:00 AM
horizontal rule
2

I don't even know what "cheeking" someones face could mean, but I can't imagine it's pleasant.

The guy sounds... excitable.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:02 AM
horizontal rule
3

I'm not that type of guy, apo.


Posted by: FL | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:04 AM
horizontal rule
4

You know, this was at Crooked Timber, and not categorized in their "Wandered in from Unfogged by mistake" category. I'm hurt.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:06 AM
horizontal rule
5

This is why I don't use the locker room at the gym. Or go to the gym at all. Or leave the house, really.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:06 AM
horizontal rule
6

sounds a cheerful guy that, abstractly
irl he would better be avoided
duality of existence, so to speak


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:08 AM
horizontal rule
7

You know, I always used to parody these sorts of things by saying 'I don't know what happened, I was walking, and my dick just ran into him', and then reality goes and makes me irrelevant.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:09 AM
horizontal rule
8

The list starting with hugging and backslapping and moving on to genital squeezing is really reminding me of that joke about the guy who moves into a cabin in the woods, and two days after he moves in, a guy shows up on his doorstep. "I saw the smoke from your chimney, and thought I'd hike over from the next ridgeline to invite you to a party I'm having."

"Why, thanks."

"I have to warn you, there's going to be some drinking."

"Not a problem, it wouldn't be a party without it."

"And some drugs."

"I don't indulge myself, but I certainly have in the past; doesn't bother me a bit."

"And some swearing."

"Shit, man, who doesn't swear?"

"And some rough, dirty sex."

"What the hell? Who's going to be at this party?"

"Just you and me."


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:12 AM
horizontal rule
9

I imagine the whole thing going down rather like a cheerful game of "got yer nose!" played with a toddler. With, obviously, some significant differences.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:13 AM
horizontal rule
10

The Onion does this kind of joke all the time.


Posted by: Bave Dee | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:15 AM
horizontal rule
11

Oh c'mon, people. He's just a sensual kind of guy. Why are you all so uncomfortable with that?


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:16 AM
horizontal rule
12

This must have been like a Three Stooges routine in the locker room. I hope there were sound effects.


Posted by: FL | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:17 AM
horizontal rule
13

When Keegan was about 3, I went to pick him up at the daycare, and the teacher pulled me aside for a brief talk. Apparently, they'd come around the corner and found him and one of his female classmates playing show and tell, IYKWIM. The teacher said she didn't want to make a big deal about it, but that they had talked to the two of them about it and didn't want us to wonder what had happened if he brought it up later.

So anyhow, we're driving home and I ask him, "Hey, what happened today with J------?"

He gives a God-not-this-again sigh and explains, as if he's talking to an idiot, "I forgot not to take out my penis."

"Well, could we try to remember that from now on?"

"Okay, sure."


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:17 AM
horizontal rule
14

"I forgot not to take out my penis."

I've tried this explanation. Not to very great effect.


Posted by: ari | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:21 AM
horizontal rule
15

14: and that's why you're not a senator.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:24 AM
horizontal rule
16

and that's why you're not a senator Bill Clinton.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:27 AM
horizontal rule
17

Well, maybe if his father set a better example....


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:28 AM
horizontal rule
18
Nothing adds to the fun like a tiger-stripe bikini-brief that cups your balls just right

Truer words were never spoken.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:29 AM
horizontal rule
19

Okay, so from the linked article:

Stan Lindstedt, a professor of biology at Northern Arizona who served on the search committee that chose Cargol, said he thought the regents were snowed by Cargol's obvious "charisma" -- an intangible quality that would have made him a potentially fine fund raiser.

Imply much, Jack Stripling?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:32 AM
horizontal rule
20

I've got a present for you, Sifu.


Posted by: Bave Dee | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:33 AM
horizontal rule
21

Truer words were never spoken.

Until I replace "tiger-stripe" with "alligator skin".


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:35 AM
horizontal rule
22

13 is great. I can just imagine Keegan's impatient scornful sigh... god, dad....


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:36 AM
horizontal rule
23

Well, maybe if his father set a better example

But I was just following Reverend Dobson's advice, B.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:40 AM
horizontal rule
24

You should have snowed him with your "charisma", apo.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:41 AM
horizontal rule
25

impatient scornful sigh

See, this is exactly right, but still surprises me. I don't remember being scornful, or even especially impatient when I was a kid, but now it seems de rigeur at maybe 4 but certainly by 6.

Is it seeing harried parents that does it to the kids? But my parents were harried, though not themselves habitually scornful. I am pretty scornful, though I try to moderate with the kid. If it's mimicry of parental scorn, this place and my friends are the wrong control group. Maybe I need to make friends at a church or a temple or something.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:46 AM
horizontal rule
26

25 was me.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:48 AM
horizontal rule
27

25: I bet you remembered not to take your penis out, too.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:48 AM
horizontal rule
28

now it seems de rigeur at maybe 4 but certainly by 6

Keegan has always seemed much older than his actual age. Can I brag for a moment? He graduated from elementary school on Monday, and got the Principal's Award for the highest score in the school on the End of Grade math test.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:53 AM
horizontal rule
29

28: dude your son is going to middle school? I certainly hope you've taught him how to freak girls on the dancefloor, because he'll be needing that skill day one.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:54 AM
horizontal rule
30

Your son is a genius, Apo. (Also, I can't believe the comments that come in on old threads at your place. Wow.)

PK is upset b/c I didn't attend his second-grade graduation yesterday. It never occurred to me that it would be important. I suck.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:55 AM
horizontal rule
31

I just haven't been meeting the right people, I guess, which again points to the churches and temples.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:56 AM
horizontal rule
32

It should be "If the unwanted squeezing etc".


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:56 AM
horizontal rule
33

the comments that come in on old threads at your place

It's like a candle for schizoid moths.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:58 AM
horizontal rule
34

32 is correct.

It could also be "If unwantedly squeezing your genitals is..." etc., etc.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 8:59 AM
horizontal rule
35

Y'know, he could just describe himself as "gay" with a lot less typing.


Posted by: Anderson | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:06 AM
horizontal rule
36

32, 34: Or "if an unwanted squeezing etc."


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:08 AM
horizontal rule
37

33: Also, Allmighty Master Supreme Mayo showed up last week!


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:08 AM
horizontal rule
38

PK is upset b/c I didn't attend his second-grade graduation yesterday. It never occurred to me that it would be important. I suck.

No, the school sucks for making that shit a big deal for you to attend.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:08 AM
horizontal rule
39

37: holy shit, that thread is awesome.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:10 AM
horizontal rule
40

Second-grade graduation? Holy crap. That might barely be conceivable if he's leaving a K-2 school and entering a 3-8 school, if any such schools exist.

My middle school had the equivalent of a prom for a while, but cancelled it my year because the principal was disgusted by how much people were spending on dresses and limos and stuff.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:12 AM
horizontal rule
41

I have to say that on the subject of elementary school graduations (where the kids are going to return to the same school), my views are summed up by The Incredibles surprisingly well.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:14 AM
horizontal rule
42

38: Agreed.

40: Basically they have a whole school graduation thing. Which makes sense for, say, kindergartenders and 8th graders (at one point I guess made sense for 5th graders on their way to middle school). I was surprised (and kind of irritated) to find out that it was supposed to be everyone; it's the down side of the "We are a Community" thing that is just a wee bit overhyped at this school.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:15 AM
horizontal rule
43

(Also I don't think I suck for not going. I think I suck for not realizing that it would seem important to him, and dealing with my not-going-to-be-there before I left town.)


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:16 AM
horizontal rule
44

28:

He graduated from elementary school on Monday, and got the Principal's Award for the highest score in the school on the End of Grade math test.

Is he left handed? If so I'll be sending him the membership forms.

And back to the topic of this post:

Boundaries dude, boundaries!

Sending the email itself is not appropriate for work. Doing the friggin' deed is like WAY over the line.

This guy doesn't just poop where he eats. He projectile vomits and explosive diarrhea's there too!

Yuk.


Posted by: Tripp the Crazed! | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:17 AM
horizontal rule
45

i think 'if unwanted...' is correct b/c he speaks not about a particular event or about one event only, but abstractly about any squeezing event, so there shouldn't be any articles, no?
though i'm not an expert on the articles sure


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:18 AM
horizontal rule
46

Judge Wellington has ordered San Diego County to hold the Mayo.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:19 AM
horizontal rule
47

37 one never knows what is underneath
San Diego looked so nice and clean and idyllic
and after my visit all i read in the news are all these crime reports, the drug dealing ring, hate-crimes, now this, strange


Posted by: read | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:20 AM
horizontal rule
48

It's hard out there for a condiment, read.


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:22 AM
horizontal rule
49

Or you could say "If unwanted squeezing of your genitals is criminal..."


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:22 AM
horizontal rule
50

47: if you'd like to find those things in San Diego, just go inland ten miles or so. Or to Pacific Beach, I guess.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:24 AM
horizontal rule
51

43:
B,

Perhaps the little guy didn't know how much he would miss Mommy and is now using the "graduation" as a means to discuss his separation anxiety.

Maybe nobody knew beforehand and nobody is guilty.

Either way talking now about the separation feelings is a good thing and I bet you've already covered that angle.

You are a good Mom. Relax.


Posted by: Tripp- father of 4, none crazy (so far) | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:27 AM
horizontal rule
52

Is he left handed?

Nope. The two wives, three kids, and I make six righties.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:36 AM
horizontal rule
53

Hey, we're in the market for a new chancellor. We oughta nominate one of the search committee to get within arm's reach of each of the candidates, just to see what happens.


Posted by: Eric | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:41 AM
horizontal rule
54

25: Mmm. I've been running across mildly scornful kids my whole life, which granted, I'm not old enough to have any kind of authority on this, but it still seems the idea of the two-or-three-year-old lecturing his elders on what they just didn't understand is older than me.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:42 AM
horizontal rule
55

53: just have the last interview in a sauna.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:43 AM
horizontal rule
56

See, the thing with a lot of these administrative interviews, there's a predetermined set of questions the committee must ask, as if hewing to a script. Maybe we should add, "So, just what kind of guy/gal are you?"


Posted by: Eric | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:44 AM
horizontal rule
57

56: I'm a slap-your-ass, drink-your-beer, adjust-your-thermostat, leave-my-socks-on-your-counter, jerk-off-your-dog kind of guy. So what's the salary band for this here chancellor position? I'm flexible.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:49 AM
horizontal rule
58

"I forgot not to take out my penis."

Gotta love the rhythm method


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 9:56 AM
horizontal rule
59

I'm a check-your-oil, pee-on-your-laurel, drink-your-latte, lick-your-ass, avoid-the-other-thread kind of gay, and I'd totally take that job!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 10:08 AM
horizontal rule
60

Nope. The two wives, three kids, and I make six righties.

Oh. Sorry. You may put my name down as a reference if that helps. Otherwise you are on your own. That's about all I can do.


Posted by: Tripp the Sinister! | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 10:28 AM
horizontal rule
61

Hey I wrote "gay" by accident in 59! What does that mean?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 10:29 AM
horizontal rule
62

61: totally stumped. You'd think there's potential for a joke there, but I just can't figure it out.


Posted by: FL | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 10:30 AM
horizontal rule
63

61: That means it's genital-squeezin' time, Tweety.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 10:30 AM
horizontal rule
64

63: Two men enter ....


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 12:30 PM
horizontal rule
65

63: nut that!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 12:35 PM
horizontal rule
66

51: Well of course. Nonetheless. The mama guilt is not to be reasoned away.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 2:14 PM
horizontal rule
67

66 to 63.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 2:18 PM
horizontal rule
68

Y'know, I'm going to go ahead and quote this without context. Just because.

I grabbed a handful of my own semen out of Mother Teresa and flung it at the oncoming cops. They all got instantly pregnant and fell over. Even the men.

"I've had better," said Mother Teresa, sparking a match off her nipple and lighting up a joint.

It was then I knew I had to kill everyone in the city. With my penis.

I flexed my flaming meathammer. The road cracked in half. The cops exploded. So did the buildings. Everybody died.

Except me.

Result.

The end. Fuck off.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 2:27 PM
horizontal rule
69

I just had a total Rule 34 moment.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 2:30 PM
horizontal rule
70

Lizardbreath way back at 4 - fwiw I remembered that I should have done this 2 hours after posting, but was driving across Ireland so couldn't change. But I did know that someone here would certainly pick up on it ...


Posted by: Henry | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 4:50 PM
horizontal rule
71

68: "A science fiction dominated by obsession with penis size, an adolescent terror of sex, sickening violence and massive, random, senseless explosions. Written with the sort of ugly, naive bluntness with which a disturbed teenager might craft the self-produced pornographic material that just barely prevents him from going off the rails and fucking all the neighbourhood pets to death." -- sounds like Warren Ellis to me.


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 06-11-08 5:41 PM
horizontal rule