You missed the true point of this story. You saved the beer. You're a hero!
he did a really bad good job and tied it way too loosely
You could have just stood there for awhile till all your friends realized that all the beer was upstream. They would have come back pronto, I'm sure. See, you've got to think outside the topbox, heebie.
New Braunfels! My fourth-grade penpal was from there.
The kid probably didn't want to tie it too tightly! Like when my mom used to tie my shoes.
4: She wanted to leave you enough slack to walk, but not so much that you could run away, right?
Comal or Guadalupe?
One year a friend of mine decided it would be just grand to bring a copy of the Sunday Times on the river with him. Mind you, he'd been tubing many times before, so he had every reason to think that this brilliant idea would just lead to a pulpy mess. I'm sad my other friends and I never carried through with our plans to present him with a laminated and bound copy of the paper the next time we hit the river.
6: I'm sad too, 'smasher. I bet we all are.
Comal or Guadalupe?
I can never remember which is which. One has concrete banks the whole way and goes by Schlitterbahn, and we were on the other one.
Those of you not familiar with central Texas, please enjoy saying "Schlitterbahn," preferably several times in a row. (It's a water park. A bunch of Germans settled down 'round these parts.)
But he did a really bad job and tied it way too loosely, for the record.
You should find his blog or myspace page or whatever, and we could all mock him for his incompetence.
6: You must encourage him to bring his iPhone next time, read the paper online, see.
You may not mock the 11-year-old, who is a lambchop.
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Holy shit, apparently Obama has thrown Wes Clark under the bus.
Bitch-slapping someone new.
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You may not mock the 11-year-old, who is a lambchop. an opportunist.
please enjoy saying "Schlitterbahn," preferably several times in a row.
I haven't heard their (incredibly annoying) radio ad for close to a decade, but it's still seared into my brain. And now will be on internal repeat for the rest of the day, no doubt.
16: Lamb chop: 1) chop cut from a lamb; 2) sock puppet made famous by Shari Lewis; 3) sweetheart, dear, mon petit chou.
Once I was ripping some tubes with my friends and my nuts came untied. Up popped this little elf, couldn't have been more than 9 or 10. "May I retie your nuts for you, guv'?" he asked, in an adorable Cockney accent. Holy shit I was high.
The Schlitterbahn is the hottest coolest time in Texas.
21: Yes, and that makes up for the annoyance of the ad.
Get your mittleres Körperteil on Schlitterbahn!
A really good use of energy is to build a waterslide that goes uphill for two portions. This is because 1) chugging slowly uphill is the best part of roller coasters, 2) it would require ten extra feet of stairs to create the downhill drops otherwise, and 3) It's a very good use of water to propel rafts holding several people uphill.
SCHLITTERBAHN HAS THE ONLY WATER COASTER TO GO UPHILL, BABY!
Considering the fratty demographic of your average upper Guadalupe tubing trip, you got lucky.
The kid didn't want to pop them by tying them too tight.
Just think how formative this experience will be later in his life.
Yet another example of how patriarchal norms of bodily modesty endanger women.
Yet another example of how patriarchal norms of bodily modesty endanger women. beer.
19, 20:
Yeah, 19 made me laugh too. Good one!
Suddenly, a blow to the back of Lilyerd's head planted him face-down in his lawn.He lay unconscious for about an hour before awakening to the buzz of mosquitoes in his ears and cold rain slapping his body.
His teeth hurt. He couldn't move. It wasn't until he smelled his own burned flesh and hair that it hit him: He had been struck by lightning.
"I thought, 'I can't believe I got hit by lightning!' " the 47-year-old man said from his Mora, Minn., home Sunday afternoon. " 'It's my time to die. At least I've lived a good life.' "
But Jana Lilyerd had faith in her husband, a man who once struggled for two hours to climb out of a hole in a frozen lake, a man who six times survived electrical shock while welding, a man who was once accidentally shot in the forehead and chest by friends while duck hunting.
31: that dude needs to just sit around indoors for a while.
Woops.
Suddenly, a blow to the back of Lilyerd's head planted him face-down in his lawn.
He lay unconscious for about an hour before awakening to the buzz of mosquitoes in his ears and cold rain slapping his body.
His teeth hurt. He couldn't move. It wasn't until he smelled his own burned flesh and hair that it hit him: He had been struck by lightning.
"I thought, 'I can't believe I got hit by lightning!' " the 47-year-old man said from his Mora, Minn., home Sunday afternoon. " 'It's my time to die. At least I've lived a good life.' "
But Jana Lilyerd had faith in her husband, a man who once struggled for two hours to climb out of a hole in a frozen lake, a man who six times survived electrical shock while welding, a man who was once accidentally shot in the forehead and chest by friends while duck hunting. Link
Wobegonians may not be smarter than you elitist city folk, but we're tougher.
24: heebie SCHLITTERBAHN HAS THE ONLY WATER COASTER TO GO UPHILL, BABY!
Huh? Kalamari in Wisconsin Dells made the same claim five years ago!
Speaking of the Dells, and this isn't funny for the people who make their living there but it is kinda ironic or something, the Wisconsin Dells lake got drained by recent floods.
The high water reached some sandstone which eroded and son of a - there goes the lake, down the river.
I hear that a similar process during some ice age actually helped create the Dells, so maybe somebody is saying something.
No way. I'm sure Texans would research something like that really thoroughly so that they wouldn't risk sounding arrogant and uninformed.
33:
I think somebody better lay off the sauce.
At least I've lived a good life.
a man who once struggled for two hours to climb out of a hole in a frozen lake, a man who six times survived electrical shock while welding, a man who was once accidentally shot in the forehead and chest by friends while duck hunting.
Depends on your perspective, I suppose.
I forgot to mention:
Lilyerd was carrying a nickel and a round of ammunition in his pocket when he was hit. The former was charred black; the latter exploded without harming him
38: always keep one nickel and one bullet. The nickel's for the adorable street urchin, the bullet's for yourself.
Shouldn't 35 have contained a link?
It was dedicated to Cabeza de Vaca, a Spanish explorer who was held captive on the Guadalupe, known then as the 'River of Nuts,' for ten years.
"Cow Head"? You're a Spanish explorer fighting your way across the new world and the best name you can come up with is "Cow Head"? Dude doesn't deserve the biggest pecan.
This surname was granted to his family in the 13th century, when his ancestor aided a Christian army attacking Moors by pointing out a secret mountain pass by leaving a cow's head there.
One of our families will surely carry the surname "Made-a-Really-Cutting-anti-Republican-Point-on-a-Blog."
This surname was granted to his family in the 13th century, when his ancestor aided a Christian army attacking Moors by pointing out a secret mountain pass by leaving a cow's head there.
Good thing he found the cow's head, or he would have been stuck with his original plan of leaving a big pile of shit.
I use my initials, but my surname is actually Witheringresponse. The business owned by the 1-800-luggage.com family sure could have used a better name, as they sell pet food.
40: Our tears are saltier and more fervent than those stupid Missouri tears.
This post would have been better if it had been Ogged writing it.
Sigh -- I miss that cross-dressing Mexican.
47: "One time, when I was eleven..."
"One time, when I was eleven..."
[lengthy exposition]
"....and then I realized, I totally had all the leverage in that situation, and I gave it up for nothing. I could have asked her to give me a look, or even to let me have a quick feel! But no, I was still a Nice Guy and figured that my courtliness would be rewarded.
Needless to say, she floated on down the river with barely a thank you. Not even a peck on the cheek or a can of beer from her cooler."
47: Go back to Kankakee or Bouillebaisse or whichever godforsaken hellhole you came from, III! (Ypsilanti? Kalamazoo? Oconomowoc? Just go there and stay there!)
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I've been waiting for somebody else to say it, but fine. That new Pixar movie? So, so awesome. I'm just sitting her stewing about how awesome it is.
There. There, I said it.
In other news from this weekend, The Breakers is a fancy house.
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I wanted to take the kids to see Wall-E, but my spouse, Moll-E was afraid it would be too much of a downer for the kids to handle. Then the kids wound up going with friends of theirs without us. They weren't traumatized by it, but neither was really enthusiastic about seeing it again with me. Maybe Joe-E will. Maybe they'll both have to see it again, like it or not.
Hey Tweet-E, did you see it with kids? How did they like it?
33. Wrestling gazebos is almost as dangerous as wrestling carp.
40: Damnit, I knew one of you was going to bring up that stupid pecan.
It was very good, much more enjoyable than that cliche-ridden pile of crap Wanted, which I also saw this weekend. I thought it did suffer a bit from trying to be too cutsy at times, e.g. robots without mouths coughing up dust after getting hit by a dust storm. The Captian was very funny. Also, I'm waiting for the obese-people's advocacy group to start issuing condemnations, if they haven't already.
54: I did not. In fact, I was sitting there watching the credits, and they had this thing in them which kind of tickled my sense of nostalgia and I thought "hah! Great! But kids would never get that. It's aimed at people my age! Oh, right parents my age."
Then I went home, took some Aleve for my inexplicably sore shoulder, and went to bed early.
Yeah.
But he did a really bad job and tied it way too loosely, for the record.
I don't know how many years ago this was, but I also bet that he's not going to vote for Obama.
My parents? Not Wall-E's target audience. They thought is was cute enough, but didn't get any most of the things that I thought made it so great. My mom seemed to think that it's pretty pathetic that we've come to the point that we're watching movies about robot romance.
57: I was left really ambivalent about Wanted. There is something slightly admirable about its complete lack of restraint. Someone actually went out of their way to say "well, sure, we could insert a normal action movie cliche here, but is there any way we could make it even more over-the-top than any predecessors?".
But the premise really did make me cry, compared to the comic book premise. My roommate assures me that the comic book story could never have made a decent movie, but I'm not as sure.
You missed the true point of this story. You saved the beer. You're a hero!
I am with Walt. You are a hero.
Heebie, you are very cute, but seriously? Saving the beer and showing your breasts is so much more important that protecting your dignity and losing the beer.
For some reason, I thought Rob was referring, in 54, to The Breakers. I can't imagine kids would really dig The Breakers.
Erm, Will? I'm not completely sure that Heebie wants to be a frat-boy / Girls Gone Wild heroine.
In fact, I very much do not want to be.
John:
Nobody wants to be in that position. But, it helps to be prepared. You need to establish your priorities so that you know how to act when disaster strikes.
Nowhere is this more important than on floats. As a veteran river rat, I've spent a lot of time evaluating this topic.
Whether it is water skiing, slow-floating down a river, getting pulled on a tube by a ski boat, your suit is the least important thing. Don't give up your beer. Don't let go of the rope.
Blume, would your parents count as boomers? I'm pretty sure movies like Wall-E are targeted to gen-Xers with kids. They also expect to attract some gen-Xers without kids and some kids without gen-Xers.
Speaking of generational politics, do the members of Generation Awesome who comment here use the word "sick" the same way the last two generations used the word "cool"? I was really shocked, when I took some Generation Awesome students to China, at how often they called things "sick."
In fact, I very much do not want to be.
In fact, she refused to let BR do any body shots off of her stomach or back!
But the premise really did make me cry, compared to the comic book premise. My roommate assures me that the comic book story could never have made a decent movie, but I'm not as sure.
I think this is the argument that everyone familiar with the comic is having. The fact that they pretended it was the same thing bothered me.
I don't mind over-the-top action-movie cliches. My problem was with the underwhelming ones: the music-montage training sequence didn't get me psyched at all, and the slow-motion-double-fisted-running gunfight was laughably uninspired. And given the reviews I read beforehand, even the level of gratuitous violence left something to be desired.
Hey I've got a great premise for a reality TV show: reunite grown men with the centerfold of the first Playboy magazine that they discovered when they were 11. Each episode would include a detailed reenactment of a naive 11 year old finding a Playboy interspliced with a reenactment of a naive 18 year old first posing for playboys cameras airbrushes. Then cut to 20 years later, and see how everyone's sexuality was distorted.
We used to use "sick" too, usually describing something like a Joe Satriani guitar solo.
65: My deep intuition told me that this was so. That's why I'm a Zen master.
I saw Wall-E and I found it so-so. Some good bits, but overall blah*. No one in the family (a very rare full family outing, but kids are older) was that impressed. Much better was the eating part of the outing. It was at a somewhat out-of-the-way Thai place near the movie theater which I learned of via a very positive review from some JRoth guy.
*I am maybe not the the best person to listen to if this is your kind of thing. I pretty much really hated The Incredibles.
I'm pretty sure movies like Wall-E are targeted to gen-Xers with kids.
I think that's right. My parents see pretty much all the mainstream movies that come to the mall, and have even seen the movies Wall-E plays off of (Alien, 2001, all the romcoms), but they don't synthesize pop culture in the same way.
but they don't synthesize pop culture in the same way
Paging Tim Burke. Tim Burke to the white courtesy phone...
I don't mind over-the-top action-movie cliches. My problem was with the underwhelming ones: the music-montage training sequence didn't get me psyched at all, and the slow-motion-double-fisted-running gunfight was laughably uninspired.
Exactly.
And no damn way am I going to see Wall-E. Sure, Sifu says it's great and all, but I bet he was totally fucking high.
75: Must you always play the race card?
Wall-E was ok. My 8 and 7 year olds liked it. My 5 and 2 year olds didn't.
This was the first movie in the theater I saw with my kids since "march of the penguins". I don't think we will do it again any time soon. It is too much of a pain in the ass.
So Schlitterbahn has annoying advertising?
They're supposed to open in our market next spring. I sooo can't wait.
Going to be out in NASCAR Land in Kansas City, KS...
re: 71
I spent part of my formative years trying [and mostly failing] to play Satriani guitar solos. Did anyone who wasn't already a guitar player ever listen to Satriani?
I often wonder if some of those 80s [and current, for that matter] guitar 'hero' types didn't sell exclusively to other people who played the instrument. 'Sick' didn't feature in our high-falutin' vocabulary, though.
The guitar hero thing was a prime example of some kind of decadence-by-success. A lot of those guys were really great, but all the juice had been squeezed out.
I know a guy who plays classical-modernist electric guitar: John Tamburello. He commissions stuff from coposers. One thing (Storm Session, by Svoboda) is great.
Satriani was OK, but Yngwie Malmsteen really knew how to unleash the fucking fury.
I was going to mention Yngvie as the other successful decadent. They outdid Hendrix, Beck, Clapton, and whoever else you can name, but it was already over with.
Did anyone who wasn't already a guitar player ever listen to Satriani?
Probably only if you were going out with a guitar player.
I kinda blame those toolish 80s Guitar Player magazine types for making technical skillz and ability to improvise uncool to the 90s/00s hipsters, thus creating a lot of the boring nonmusicality in "indie" rock. Maybe that's unfair.
I had a good high school buddy who went to "Guitar Institute of Technology" for a year or so. That was pretty sweet. Anyone know what I'm talking about?
Did anyone who wasn't already a guitar player ever listen to Satriani
A bit, but only because I knew guitar players from being in band.
You're all a bunch of jaded haters. The first half of Wall-E is stunningly good. It gets a little cutesy later on, but it's still awesome.
I want to see Wall-E pretty badly.
86: Was that the one with the bearded dude in front of the mixing board, or am I confusing it with some broadcasting school?
80: I had one Satriani album and no connection whatsoever to guitar players.
I think you're thinking of the Columbia School of Broadcasting (undermining the value of your Columbia College degree since 1975!).
In the late 80s, Guitar Institute of Technology was this awesome LA-based hair metal academy where some third rate Joe Satriani would teach you how to craft really burning metal solos. It was all part of something called "Musicians Institute of Technology," or "MIT," also known as "Mullet Institute of Technology." Now time to google to see if it still exists!
Looks like "GIT" has become this:
and some dude from the band Korn went there.
91: I remember that place. I also remember seeing some dude on public-access TV do a really bitchin' version of Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, resting the body of the guitar on his shoulder and just plucking on the fretboard, back in the day. Pretty sure it was a GIT thing.
Here you are, sir, main level please.
Did anyone who wasn't already a guitar player ever listen to Satriani?
Silver Surfer fans?
Coincidentally, an old acquaintance of mine named Wally kicked it on the very same weekend Wall-E opened. I think he'd have found that a little funny.
re: 86
I kinda blame those toolish 80s Guitar Player magazine types for making technical skillz and ability to improvise uncool to the 90s/00s hipsters, thus creating a lot of the boring nonmusicality in "indie" rock. Maybe that's unfair.
There's maybe some truth in that, yeah.
I've noticed, though, that a lot of the current and preceding wave of younger UK 'indie' types are actually pretty good (and quite eclectically influenced) players. It was never really even 100% true of indie-bands even during the 90s when the GIT shredder types were at their most scorned. I saw Supergrass on Sunday, and was reminded how good a player Gaz Coombes is.
80. Did anyone who wasn't already a guitar player ever listen to Satriani?
In my limited experience, guitar players' girlfriends.
has this been discussed?
They automatically replace the word gay with homosexual in all of their news stories. Ooops.
I pretty much really hated The Incredibles.
What?!!!
Dude, that mom was hot! And "E" was sublime.
As the father of four I very much appreciate a kid's movie that appeals to adults as well. Because let's face it, you're gonna be watching that movie over and over and over again about a zillion times.
I've gotten to the point now where I cannot stand TV animated voices. God they grate on me. My deal with my daughter is it has to have real people in it. Meaning I've been stuck with Bindy the Jungle Girl for way too long but I did make a deal.
I think I'm seeing Wall-E tonight. I hope it is good.
We have (really expensive!) tickets to see Wall-E at the El Capitan, which is the Disney-owned fancy olde-style theater on Hollywood Blvd. Complete with pre-movie Pixar stage show!!
I expect it to be good, but GODDAMMIT WHEN IS PIXAR GOING TO MAKE A MOVIE WITH A FEMALE PROTAGONIST?? And don't give me this crap about the women in The Incredibles being the main characters, because they aren't.
Also, why does the "girl" robot in the movie have to have "girl" eyes and be all sleek and pretty (as robots go)? Grrrrrrr.
The women in The Incredibles are not the leads, I agree. I don't know why there hasn't been a female protagonist. There have been female action heroes. I dunno about the animation market.
And I haven't seen Wall-E yet but we both know sex sells , right?
I don't know why there hasn't been a female protagonist.
I'll give you one guess.
More seriously, there's a few reasons. One: women action heroes are always Teh Hott and Sexxy, which Isn't Appropriate for children's movies. Two: related, the culture of animation/action/comics, etc., tends to be very boy-geek-centric. Three: Everyone Knows that Boys Won't Watch Movies About Girls. (Which is one, bullshit, and two, who gives a fucking crap? Screw sexist boys and their parents.) Four: Disney is all about the majorly gendered marketing. Five: the best recent Disney/Pixar movies, i.e., the ones that don't follow formula, have "disappointed" on the money end. I'm thinking Ratatouille, which was a marketing bust, and Lilo and Stitch, which has a v. loyal niche marketing audience but did poorly in theaters.
Basically, the fuckers have a formula, and things that challenge the formula are deprecated.
102: One: women action heroes are always Teh Hott and Sexxy, which Isn't Appropriate for children's movies.
Did you see Pocahontos? Soft core porn, Disney dead mother style.
the best recent Disney/Pixar movies, i.e., the ones that don't follow formula, have "disappointed" on the money end. I'm thinking Ratatouille, which was a marketing bust
I did not like Ratatouille, and in fact found it so boring I couldn't sit through the whole thing. I kept thinking...all this witty special-effects wizardry propping up such a lame plot.
Part of the issue is that I just don't like rats, and any attempt to sentimentalize them leaves me cold. What's next, a cockroach who secretly wants to be Martha Stewart? It's patronizing and disrespectful to cutesify species who clearly wish to be badass.
It's patronizing and disrespectful to cutesify species who clearly wish to be badass.
Rats are the primo rodents to have around.
I'm prejudiced against Pixar because I found Finding Nemo really unbearable, and I believe it's the only Pixar flick I've seen.
Which is one, bullshit, and two, who gives a fucking crap?
Profit-maximizing studios, probably.
Ben! You're back! (Or is this old news?)
Oh. Well, it's good to see you, anyway.
Wall-E review for bPhD:
The story was much different from what I expected. I liked it a lot, because for one thing it wasn't made simply to show off all the new graphic techniques. They weren't afraid to use haze when it was needed even though in the past it was used mostly to make the graphics easier.
Let's cut right to the sexism. Hey, I'm like "Right on Sister, fight the man" but I really don't see any sexism here. Sure Eva is called "Eva" and, as you say, she has cutesy eyes but one could claim that is because she is a more advanced model and those eyes were designed to make her better understandable to people. Same with the "sleek" body - just more advanced than Wall-E and to me she looked more like a penguin than anything else. Granted her model looked like an egg (get it, female, eggs - sexist!!) when in transit but that did fit in with her mission.
My biggest possible gripe was the totally unrealistic way outer space was portrayed, complete with sound and friction and aerodynamics but, you know, cartoon!! It wasn't as bad as Jimmy Neutron and pals rocketing through space sans helmets.
The robot coughing stuff I could write off as needing to clean their air intakes, although why did they have air intakes? Oh, and the bug with the puppy mannerisms? Yeah, but again "Hello? - Cartoon!"
Overall - good. Less fun and more message than I expected but very topical.
I give it an 8 - out of 10.
Oh - I forgot - Fred Willard and Sigourney Weaver? Great choices. I really like both of them.
Last week, I ranked the six Pixar movies I've seen.
It was never really even 100% true of indie-bands even during the 90s when the GIT shredder types were at their most scorned. I saw Supergrass on Sunday, and was reminded how good a player Gaz Coombes is.
He wasn't as good a player when Supergrass's first album came out, 13 years ago. That's right, you're old!