Washington is 20 stories high and made of radiation. He supplies his own damn pyrotechnics.
It's hard to come up with a joke that implies that you have, like, thirty goddamn orifices. It's very, very hard.
OT: No more masturbating to Jesse Helms.
Hm. It's hard to work up any semblance of sympathy or respect about Helms' passing.
I like that on his wikipedia page, just below news of his death, is this:
Nerdcore hip-hop artist MC Hawking released a song in MP3 format called "Why Won't Jesse Helms Just Hurry Up and Die?"
MC Hawking, thy wish is granted.
Oh shit, we were supposed to be nice for 24 hours? I can manage it for a mealy-mouthed hypocrite like Russert, but not someone who was just pure evil. Helms can dish it; he can take it, too.
I shared an office with a woman who's family made fireworks. They'd make all the fireworks for her hometown in South Dakota. One interesting thing she mentioned is that they use non-dairy coffee creamer for their big boomers. If you disperse it just right and ignite it - kaboom! I guess it makes sense since grain dust is a big explosion hazard in grain elevators.
Have a great 4th everyone! I'm heading down to Madtown to visit my eldest sprog for a couple days. Be back soon.
I am in the camp of pretending that all the hoopla with fireworks and bands and everything is to CELEBRATE the passing, hopefully painfully, of Jesse Helms. Too bad he's now a trivia question ("What famous American politicians died on the 4th of July?"). OTOH, I'm taking a trip back to NC next month and if he's been interred by then I can make a pit stop to spit on his grave. Yee haw!
We're going to get a lot of new graves to vow to piss on over the next decade, I suspect.
And luckily, they're mostly Baptists, which means no cremations. W00t!
Hmph. No more masturbating to Bozo the Clown either.
Motherfucker had to die on the 4th.
It seems appropriate to me. I genuinely feel a little more free in his absence.
How dare you people speak ill of the dead? For shame.
If, by some clerical error, Jesse ends up in heaven, I fervently hope he meets the Redeemer and discovers Jesus is black.
No more masturbating to Jesse Helms.
Masturbation now! Masturbation tomorrow! Masturbation FOREVER!
The only way Jesse's going to heaven is if Jesus laid claim to personally kicking his ass for all eternity.
15. Well, he'd look Arabic anyway.
How dare you people speak ill of the dead? For shame.
I'm not speaking ill of the dead so much as I'm speaking well of whatever band of daring adventurers managed the dark incantations needed to send Helms back to deepest Rl'yeh.
I can't help hoping they put a heavy rock on his coffin-lid.
The only way Jesse's going to heaven is if Jesus laid claim to personally kicking his ass for all eternity.
I think that sort of wrathfulness is more the old man's prerogative, no?
I can't help hoping they put a heavy rock on his coffin-lid.
Bury him at a crossroads, so he can't find his way back to town.
I confess that a small corner of my mind is disappointed that he isn't around to doom yet another Republican campaign for governor.
It would be kinda cute if he showed up at the pearly gates and Peter said, "Actually, we wanted to let you in, but we had to give your spot to a black guy. Quotas, you know."
It would be even cuter if St. Peter whistled Dixie while pulling the lever on the trap door.
Robust, I was about to feel bad about the outpouring of contempt on various blogs until one reminded me of that whistling episode. Feeling much better now.
Yeah, LGM just reminded me of the "no darkies on the 4th circuit" machinations and now my contempt is more fine and furious.
Shit, I'm late for the outpouring of contempt and bile. They should lay him out in state, so we can stick the fucker with spears.
Two birds, one stone: Blow up Jesse Helm's corpse in a small town!
Insulting the dead has a peculiar futility to it and looks petty and weak. Bursting into his hospital and ripping out his IVs would have been a more effective move. We should be ashamed of ourselves.
We're told that after the war
The rebels were all beaten men.
But battalions of confederates,
Think the South shall rise again.
The history books they tell
Of their defeat in '65.
But they all came out of the woodwork,
On the day that Jesse died.
They say midterm elections
Were a symbol of defeat.
With Obama out campaigning,
The racists they were beat.
The politics of hatred,
Were supposed to be denied.
So why did they all came out of the woodwork,
On the day that Jesse died?
The world is full of copperheads,
The snakes are getting smart.
They wave their unlit crosses,
Against the decadent art.
They talk of unborn babies,
And taxes they can't abide.
And they all came out of the woodwork,
On the day that Jesse died.
So if you meet with these historians,
I'll tell you what to say.
Tell them the Confederates
Never really went away.
They are all in the Congress now,
Making laws of racist lies,
And we'll never rest again,
Until every Klansman dies.
Back to the fireworks, now that there's a proper Jesse Helms thread:
Has anyone else noticed the sudden onset of articles telling us how bad fireworks are for the environment? It's kinda cool.
Talk to the LA Times and Salon! Anyway, I heart fireworks, but still.
They really are terrible, though.
See? Big bitch and little bitch agree.
How terrible can they really be? I mean, you've probably got some heavy metals and some nasty oxidizers and there's always the chance of having your fingers blown off or testicles scorched or dogs frightened or whatever.
But the quantities of chemicals involved seem so low that carpooling to work once should absolve you of shooting off a whole hell of a lot of bottle rockets...
Speaking of (a) fucking up the environment and (b) killing birds: I killed a fucking bird with a golf ball today! It was totally an accident! I sliced it something wicked and then thwock, like a heat seeking missile it was; little songbird tumbling to Earth. It was such a weird combination of amazing, sad, and hilarious.
That's what you get* for golfing.
*Or what the little bird gets.
39: I knew it was bad for the environment (I only do it occasionally, man! On a course they do a really crappy job watering! I don't think they use fertilizer!) but I hadn't imagined the effect being quite so direct.
Since god knows every falling sparrow (Matthew 10:29), you're fucked. You might as well lead a life of blasphemous and wanton dissipation now.
(And I assume you caught it all on your lifecam, maybe you can make this list, #3 with Randy Johnson nailing a bird with a pitch is the most amazing.)
You might as well lead a life of blasphemous and wanton dissipation now.
Waaaaaaay ahead of you.
Preëmptive Dissipation, the no regrets plan for a fuller life.
41: Oh man, that Randy Johnson pitch. 95 mph and a direct hit, so at least it was merciful, but he just annihilated that dove.
37: a large city's fireworks display involves more than a few bottle rockets.
45: To be sure. But the cost of a large cities fireworks display should rightly be spread amongst its inhabitants, and I suspect that the per-capita environmental damage is still way down in the noise.
You know what's worse than canceled fireworks displays? I just found out it's my turn to be DD for the gig we're playing tonight. My freedom, abridged.
46: Nonetheless, unlike a lot of things, fireworks are completely frivolous and optional.
And think about the fact that Disney has a (huge) fireworks display *every night*. In all three of their parks, even.
I just found out it's my turn to be DD for the gig we're playing tonight.
1st take: DareDevil.
2nd take: Designated Drummer.
OT (sorry): Does anyone know, specifically, what Obama means by "mental distress"? In other words, what's the context -- legal, medical, political -- for that phrase?
49: I was wondering why they had to take turns being designated driver for a single gig.
Just done setting ours off. I'm not saying where.
How could this be bad for the environment?
I hate 'em too. I don't mind people using fireworks to remove themselves from the gene pool, but I wish they could do it more quietly. I also hate it that they tend to burn down women, children, houses and villages - and hundreds or thousands of acres of precious bosque and forest in this desert.
Okay, okay, people shouldn't be setting off their own fireworks, and especially not in vulnerable forests. But I love fireworks, just love them.
The taciturn 60something woman next door, my first summer in the neighborhood: "Man, I hate the 4th of July. Can't tell the fireworks from the gunshots." As it happened, I got better at distinguishing fireworks from gunshots, but then the place gentrified and I lost my acumen.
The 300 foot cloud ceilng is rendering these fireworks visually unimpressive. They are certainly loud, which is worth something I guess. Hmph.
How can people hate fireworks, environmental damage notwithstanding? Humorless.
Fireworks are completely awesome.
My neighborhood has been insane with fireworks tonight; I've been listening to thousands of dollars going up in smoke for a good two hours. Smoke drifts along like thick fog, and the air smells of sulfur. But my five-year-olds were wild with delight, so what's a little waste and pollution?
You'll ring different changes when they cough up blood tomorrow morning.
I take no thought for the morrow, ben, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
That said, if this doesn't stop soon, we're all going to be really cranky tomorrow, so I wish people would knock it the fuck off already.