Re: Immortalized

1

Limax Maximus may have only made one porn movie, but it was amazing.


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 9:14 AM
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Not to be confused with apofellation, a practice of which I'm guessing the poster approves.


Posted by: politicalfootball | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 9:28 AM
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I bet hermaphroditic slug sex is AWESOME!!

Until the penis gnawing off part, which is probably almost as bad as some of the morning after conversations I've had.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 9:31 AM
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2: And I'm sure he's fairly careful to enunciate his requests clearly, lest they be tragically misunderstood.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 9:32 AM
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4: "Who wants to phallate apo?"


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 9:39 AM
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4: I'd put it all such request in writing if I were him.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 10:10 AM
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I'd put it all such request in writing if I were him.

I let my massive schlong do all the talking.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 10:14 AM
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Be sure to click through on the Wikipedia page to the pictures of slugs mating. Really cool stuff.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 10:54 AM
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Also, if you haven't seen this David Attenborough slug sex video you should.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 10:57 AM
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7: But do "phallate" and "fellate" really sound all that different in your schlong's thick southern drawl? I wouldn't take any chances.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 11:07 AM
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snailsex.
An excerpt:


alternately,
each potent tip of crimson
reaching inside
then emerging
to deposit its gentle caress
to the nape of her lover's neck


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 11:56 AM
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Based on the testimony of the German internet cannibal, penises should be cooked using a recipe for tongue.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:04 PM
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That is, Armin Meiwes. His victim was supposedly a volunteer, and libertarians have rushed to his defense.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:06 PM
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13 - Meiwes is an interesting case. I'm sympathetic to the argument that he should not be prosecuted. In practice making consensual murder legal is just too damn problematic, but I do support consensual cannibalism. If I can will that my liver be used to save the life of someone who needs a transplant, why can't I will the it be served up with some fava beans and a nice chianti?


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:18 PM
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Lest there be any mistake, as a liberal I don't think murder/cannibalism-and-penis-eating contracts between consenting adults should be outlawed. But steps should be taken to make sure that it's truly voluntary, including a standard notarized form in front of witnesses and a three day waiting period.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:19 PM
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And a special regulatory office in HEW, just to piss off the libertarians. "Office of Canibalism Contracts" would be a good name. And it should be manned by a trained professional, not a political flunky who might try to subvert the intent of the law.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:21 PM
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If the Power of The Holy Spirit descended upon you, JE, you could ask the hogs. Assuming understanding of tongues, of course.


Posted by: Confused Pentacostalist | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:21 PM
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I don't think murder/cannibalism-and-penis-eating contracts between consenting adults should be outlawed

Safe, legal, and rare!


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:23 PM
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Rare because overcooking a penis will completely ruin it.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:24 PM
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Rare because overcooking a penis will completely ruin it

Well, I believe there are those to whom one can inquire about the taste of raw penis.


Posted by: Confused Pentacostalist | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:27 PM
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Wasn't the grounds on which they eventually convicted him that the victim -- having taken a lot of painkillers and muscle relaxants -- was too out of it to actually change his mind when Mewes went to kill him?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:33 PM
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15 - I was more thinking about something along the lines of existing organ donor programs, where I could have a notation on my driver's license indicating that if I die accidentally my usable organs be donated to medical use and the rest of me should go to culinary use. We throw away a lot of good meat due to the lack of such a program.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:39 PM
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I wouldn't call this rare:

2 1/2 lb. beef tongue
1 onion, sliced
2 tbsp. pickling spices
Place tongue in pot. Add onions and spices. Cover with water. Simmer uncovered for 3 hours. Drain and cool. Remove skin and serve.

See, penis is tough like tongue, for the same reasons. Probably you wouldn't need the whole three hours of boiling, though, unless the penis is as big as a beef tongue. If you wanted rare penis I think that you'd want to make it into hamburger, or marinate it, or tenderize it with a hammer.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:51 PM
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unless the penis is as big as a beef tongue

Isn't everybody's?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:52 PM
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You owe me for the straight line, apo.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:54 PM
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Tongue is yum.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:57 PM
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26: Have you tried penis?


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 12:58 PM
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27: Has he ever.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:02 PM
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I'm the Thomas Edison of eating dick.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:02 PM
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"Penis is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent mastication." - Ben W-lfs-n


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:07 PM
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31

Did you hear about the Polish George Washington?

Chewed of like twenty goddamn penises and was still stuck in Martha.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:24 PM
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I heard that Martha had, like, thirty goddamn vaginas dentatas.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:26 PM
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vaginæ dentatæ, you ignoramus.


Posted by: Martha Washington | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:28 PM
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The accusative plural of a first-declension noun ends in -as, Martha. "Vaginas dentatas" is the object of "had".


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:32 PM
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But if it were properly "had", Martha wouldn't be posting, ben.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:32 PM
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We're not speaking Latin here, we're using a Latin word in English. Ergo, a noun's plural is always the same.


Posted by: Martha Washington | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:32 PM
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Also, the vocative of a second-declension noun whose nominative singular doesn't end in "ius" is "-e", so that should be "ignorame".


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:32 PM
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Ergo, a noun's plural is always the same.

Just try telling that to my brethren on the classics fora.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:34 PM
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39

So is the second-declension when the dentata spits it out?


Posted by: Mo MacArbie | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:39 PM
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40

Shouldn't it be Vaginas dentata?


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:42 PM
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41

38: Like they matter.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:42 PM
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42

Vaginas dentata

No, what are you, William Safire? The adjective gets declined to match its noun.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:45 PM
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43

toothy coonts. Fuck Latin.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:47 PM
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44

38: Forums, ben. Forums.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:49 PM
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45

OT: My parent's neighborhood is terrorized by drunken elks.


Posted by: David Weman | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:51 PM
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46

A statement like 45 that is never, ever, off topic.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:52 PM
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This is doubly worrying, since my dad was nearly killed or injured by an elk who visited their garden a few years ago, although he kinda had it coming.


Posted by: David Weman | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:54 PM
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48

He probably didn't know it was an elk when he told that joke.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:55 PM
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45: One of those fraternal orders moves in, and there goes the neighborhood. The Hibernians are the worst, I hear.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:55 PM
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42: Also, "vagina dentata" is a compound in English. "Vaginas dentatas" makes as much sense as "particles boards." It would be "vagina dentatas."


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 1:59 PM
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This gastropod-related article is a stub.

All that gnawing will do that.


Posted by: shpx.ohfu | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:01 PM
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50: No, it would be vaginas dentata. And I say this with the full authority of one of the many assistant attorneys general of my home state.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:02 PM
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Oh, I didn't realize that togolosh was talking about the english pluralization. I would definitely say "vaginas dentata" if I didn't say "vaginae dentatae".

"Vaginas dentatas" makes as much sense as "particles boards." It would be "vagina dentatas."

Disanalogous because "vagina dentata" has the adjective second and "particle board" has it first. If you want to say that you wouldn't be caught dead uttering "I need two boards particle", that's one thing, but we can't be certain that it isn't because "particle board" is a mass noun anyway.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:07 PM
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52: "General" is an adjective modifying "attorney," so that makes sense. The Latin phrase "vagina dentata" is borrowed into English as a compound noun, and would therefore pluralize as a compound noun.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:08 PM
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penis is tough like tongue, for the same reasons

Am I missing a dirty joke, or does Emerson not know that tongue is solid muscle and the penis is not?


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:08 PM
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Conversations like this make me want to forcibly impose lojban as the universal language.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:14 PM
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You may not appreciate the scope of Weman's terror, since what he knows as "elk" we call "moose".


Posted by: Ardent reader | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:15 PM
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57: Ah, we'll that's a different thing entirely. Well perhaps not entirely; having been chased by a (presumably sober) elk before, I can attest it's not all fun and giggles even then.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:17 PM
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Doc Slack probably also opposes my campaign to regarding "in mediis rebus".


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:17 PM
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59: Here:

Almost all the time when people say "in medias res", what they should be saying is "in mediis rebus" something in English.

Fixed it for you.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:20 PM
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So, Ardent, how do you decide whether to post as "Ardent reader", "Fatman", or "peter"?


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:22 PM
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59: I would indeed. Loans from Latin are English morphemes, not Latin morphemes, and it's therefore mistaken to expect them to conform to Latin grammatical rules.

On reflection I'm not so sure about 54, though. Could go either way.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:22 PM
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Penis is great for the skin, laydeez
Be sure to scroll through all the pics. Can anyone in Atlanta confirm?


Posted by: Defoe | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:32 PM
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Almost all the time when people say "in medias res", what they should be saying is "in mediis rebus" "in the middle."


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:50 PM
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"in midstream"


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:50 PM
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64/65 you now see why I didn't specify.

To more seriously take ben up on it: In a lot of technical fields, there are terms such as this that have taken on a precise and useful meaning; they are jargon. As such, the original structure is completely irrelevant, and the only thing that matters is that people agree on the meaning.

Outside of such exchanges, very few such terms should be used at all.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:54 PM
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very few such terms should be used at all.

Unless it's funny, of course.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:57 PM
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"in midstream"

"midstream"


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 2:59 PM
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68: I am shamed.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 3:00 PM
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In a lot of technical fields, there are terms such as this that have taken on a precise and useful meaning; they are jargon. As such, the original structure is completely irrelevant, and the only thing that matters is that people agree on the meaning.

Sure, and I don't get in a huff when lawyers say "stare decisis" or "voir dire" or whatever. I'm not inhuman.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 3:00 PM
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Anonymous can cook his penis his own way if he knows so much.

If only Weman were American, he could have been our VP candidate and he could have matched Palin moose for moose.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 3:49 PM
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Consider this the obligatory Monty Python reference.


Posted by: Älg | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 4:24 PM
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MIND YOU MOOSE BITES CAN BE PRETTI NASTI oh, bother.


Posted by: PWNED SVEN | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 4:36 PM
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Hey, so when I got a macbook, it came with a little IR remote, and it finally dawned on me that I could use it with the old serial IR receiver I got ages ago from a nice italian girl to control audacious! Too bad it only has six buttons.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 4:46 PM
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You know what's wrong with Unfogged? Too goddamn many people who understand the Pentecostals from personal experience. That's what's wrong with Unfogged. It's like those Christian preachers who go on and on about their youthful drug use. Get over it, guys!

My attempts to help people are often rejected by the very people who need it most, so I'm resigned to contumely and scorn. But that's OK, I can take it.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 5:24 PM
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I heard Barack Obama wants schoolchildren to learn how to cook penis before they learn how to read.


Posted by: Otto von Bisquick | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 5:25 PM
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75: Damn. I blame the software. It switched the thread on me. Damn, damn.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 5:26 PM
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Too bad it only has six buttons.

The remote or the nice Italian girl?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 5:28 PM
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The remote.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 5:28 PM
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80

Well that was unexpected.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 5:50 PM
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45: Okay, I'll bite. what do elk get drunk on?


Posted by: vagina dentata | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 8:44 PM
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82

Probably fermented fruit. Elephants do that too and are even more fearsome.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 8:50 PM
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Probably fermented fruit

Apples, specifically. Get sauced on cider, go after some sweet young thing, you'll regret it.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 9:02 PM
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84

Kid had it coming to her.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 9:03 PM
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31: Chewed of like twenty goddamn penises

I think I misspelled "off". Can someone with an OED or a working knowledge of Old English check it out for me?

k thx bai.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 9:49 PM
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I once had an alarming, nearly face-to-face encounter with a moose. My memory of it now is happy, because of my everlasting gratitude to the moose for not stomping me to death.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 9:53 PM
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Moose. The Hells Angels of the Animal Kingdom.


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 9:54 PM
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Moose are the hippos of the North.

In fact they are both quite dangerous. Still, when I was camping in Alaska I did not have a continual low-level worry that a moose might suddenly show up.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 10:04 PM
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In the Alaskan wilderness, your fear should be focused on bears. Moose don't want to kill and eat you, they just trample you if you get all up in their space.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 09- 9-08 10:08 PM
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89: Moose don't want to kill and eat you

Not to get too pedantic, but, except in very rare instances, nor do bears. That is too flip, there are indeed more reasons to specifically "worry" about bears while in your tent, (do you have food left out that might attract them so that you end up "in their space"? for instance), but the pragmatic benefit of that is that it reminds you to take action to do something about it (put the food in the car, or hang it from a tree or bear pole).

But I think bears loom larger in the imagination than moose for less rational reasons. The disproportionate moose/bear concern also reminds me how we did not (and do not) dwell on more mundane, but more likely causes of gruesome injury or death such as car accidents.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:47 AM
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90: Now a moosebear would indeed be something to fear.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:48 AM
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Elk on man incidents are pretty rare, as far as I know. In the case of my dad, a young male elk come to our garden and started munching on the roses, or dill, or whatever. My dad didn't like that, so he decided to throw a stick at it to scare it away, not considering that you don't throw things at a fucking elk. The elk charged, and if he'd stood just slightly less close to the back door, who knows what'd happen.


Posted by: David Weman | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 9:50 AM
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These elks/moose come to people's garden's (which is not normal elk behavior) to eat fermented berries, like John thought. I don't think they're that dangerous even then, if you refrain from throwing sticks at them.


Posted by: David Weman | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 10:01 AM
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David, LB's parents kill water buffalo with their bare hands. I'm sure they'd love to meet your dad.

Would your dad be willing to run for President if we got him citizenship? We're deficient in the violence against cervids area.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 10:06 AM
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Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal in Alaska is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal in Alaska is a bear riding on a moose, just trampling and eating everything they see.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 10:28 AM
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95: nature's Master Blaster.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 10:35 AM
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(put the food in the car, or hang it from a tree or bear pole).

They won't be able to smell it then!


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 10:44 AM
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The most dangerous animal in Alaska is a cornered Ted Stevens.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 10:46 AM
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put the food in the car

In preparation for a bike trip up north several years ago, I went overboard with reading about bear attacks, to the point of having nightmares about bears for months afterwards. One of my books had a picture of a car that had been ripped open like a tin can by a hungry grizz.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 10:51 AM
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I'VE GOT A MAN-SIZED HUNGER FOR MAN-MEAT!


Posted by: OPINIONATED GRIZZLYMA | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 11:10 AM
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II Kings 2: 23:

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

The grizzly bear is fierce and wild
It has devoured the infant child
The infant child is not aware
It has been eaten by the bear

At the link there's music.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 11:33 AM
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if you refrain from throwing sticks at them.

An untested hypothesis.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 11:47 AM
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Elk vs. Moose (the names)


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 11:58 AM
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95 is so awesome. In my mind's eye the moose is the one with bloodshot eyes that speak of anger management issues and the bear is basically doing the redneck yeeha!, throwing horns, along for the ride.


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 3:51 PM
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which is not normal elk behavior

It is if they get accustomed enough to people, I think. At least, it is for deer and (N.A. usage) elk, I've not lived near moose enough to be sure about them.

bears hanging out in the yard is a problem too.


Posted by: soup biscuit | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:06 PM
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It can be overboard, but you're generally safest putting the bears in canisters.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:08 PM
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Don't mix bears and yards.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:09 PM
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108

Skateboards and bears are fine, though.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:17 PM
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Bears are completely harmless unless they're hungry or you piss them off or they've had a bad day or are a little bored or just don't like your looks, etc.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:20 PM
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Sharks get a bad rap, too. They really don't like eating humans, it's just that they think that they are eating a seal. A little taste lets the shark know that it has not found a yummy seal, but a yucchy human. Of course, that little nibble has a very good chance of killing you, but that's not the shark's problem.


Posted by: Tassled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:30 PM
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I do now that elk often go on tears during rutting season. I recall visiting a CA state park up near Eureka that had a description of one that either attacked some people or at least tore up a picnic area/visitor center during the rut.

"Certain times of year, you need to be particularly careful," Cox said. "The bulls don't like anyone* during rut."

*"Anyone" presumably not including female elk.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:39 PM
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Above all you don't want a rutting to like you, IYKWIMAITYD.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:40 PM
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If you think ruttings are bad, you should see tuppings.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:43 PM
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Nothing is safe during rutting season

http://failblog.org/2008/06/23/darwin-fail/


Posted by: Tassled Loafered Leech | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 4:45 PM
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37: "ignoramus" isn't a noun in latin, it's a verb = "we do not know"


Posted by: tierce de lollardie | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 5:40 PM
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Fuck.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 09-10-08 5:54 PM
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