Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, and yet I choose not to bite you.
This is unlikely to be true in the case of housecats, and in the case of large dogs, well! More fool them!
Wait. This is a cat we are talking about. Cats fearing death?
Is this why people like cats? Because they wildly overestimate their cognitive capacities?
I like number 7. "So just keep that in mind when you're a little slow to come across with the kibble, huh? I'm not saying I'm going to bite you or anything. Just that my jaws could crush all the bones in your hand. Think about it."
I was very impressed the first time I saw DogBreath disassemble a cow femur we got her from the butcher. She's not a big dog -- knee-high, about 45 pounds. But crushing a cow bone in her jaws is no big thing. I found myself very, very impressed with her control -- she nips us all the time but clearly at about 1/20 full powe.
I also like "God's critters." I picture the author thinking, "Truly, I too am God's critter."
We can all easily bite through flesh, right? It doesn't really matter whether or not you can bite through bone to do some damage.
Is this why people like cats? Because they wildly overestimate their cognitive capacities?
I like cats because they curl up in my lap.
We read in Fénéon's Novels in Three Lines that "[i]n the vicinity of Noisy-sur-École, M. Louis Delillieau, 70, dropped dead of sunstroke. Quickly his dog Fido ate his head.".
Something to consider.
I like cats because they will bite one's hand playfully, and because they're adorable.
Aw, c'mon. It's true that a lot of people treat pets as basically disposable, and while sentimental pablum like that is unlikely to change their minds, it's nice to have a retailer actually try.
2: I think the fear of death thing refers to leaving a pet alone in the vet's office for euthanasia, which probably is kind of mean.
On the difficult journey, on the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please.
Immolate yourself on my funeral pyre, like the servants of kings of old.
For some reason, maybe because I've seen two cats through death in the last couple of years, with two more to go, the whole Responsible Pet Owner thing doesn't bother me. The 'Ten Commandments' part does.
It's kind of charming. And a lot of dog owners are idiots (several of the items on the list are directed to them); they could use a slap upside the head.
they could use a slap upside the head
Ah, but remember that they have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, and yet they choose not to bite you.
I like cats because they will bite one's hand playfully, and because they're adorable.
Fact! Except the greasy, weepy-eyed ones. They aren't so adorable.
For all my misogyny, #1 on my list if I were a pet would be "Maybe you think it would be good for me to have my nuts cut off, but I don't agree at all".
#2 would be "Just because I shit on the rug occasionally doesn't mean that you can kill me. I don't care if it's painless, don't give me that crap."
11. "How are you so dense to not realize that my ushering you towards the refrigerator and meowing psychotically means I want canned cat food?"
Shorter twit: "Pets are incredibly needy. Don't get one."
Not to comment 11. Like #11 on the list.
By the way, point 1 on the list, "My life is likely to last 10-15 years" -- what?
Cats often live more like 15 or 17 years, in my experience (my eldest is 19, yo, and going strong, or at least scrappy), unless something untoward happens. Do dogs live 13 years or something? That doesn't seem right.
Wikpedia says: "The typical lifespan of dogs varies widely among breeds. Based on questionnaire surveys of owners in the UK, Denmark, USA, and Canada, the median longevity of most dog breeds is between 10 and 13 years."
17: They're kind of like loved ones, Adam.
Pets are easier to end than relationships are.
20: Oh, wow. I'm not sure I could see a dog through to death in only 10 or 13 years. But I'm not a dog person in the first place.
Is this why people like cats? Because they wildly overestimate their cognitive capacities?
No, that's why cats like people.
I find it difficult to get upset at people for being sanctimonious over the interests of the basically powerless.
Even if the advice has nothing to do with the real interests of the animal, or is completely unrealistic to implement, it is good to be reminded to pay attention to the needs of those dependent on you.
Even if the advice has nothing to do with the real interests of the animal, or is completely unrealistic to implement
People being sanctimonious and judgmental about things that don't actually help the animal at all aren't being thoughtful or paying attention to the animal's needs; they're projecting, and being snotty jerks while they're at it.
8,10,25: I don't know that I agree with the philosophy that a poorly executed PSA with a good message is worth its weight.
Also I think most pet owners who are ordering crap over the internet for their pets probably already fuss excessively over their little Snookie-cuddles. Those who relegate the dog to the backyard and resent its presence usually either have someone in the household who adores the animal, or aren't ordering perks for it.
I'm not getting 25 and 26: in what way is the list not helpful to pets, or not have to do with their real interests or needs?
At a guess, it'd be because it's anthropomophizing, in this way: my cats actually care about being able to go outside, about being left alone when they want to be, or being able to be on my lap when they want to be. Etc. They don't care whether I'm respecting their feelings. But it comes to the same thing.
Oh, and of course, care of them involves various vaccinations, not covered in the list.
I can't believe, Heebie, that you *ordered* a new catbox for your cats over the internet. Wasteful much?
I *made* a new litterbox for *my* cat last weekend. In her old age, she has decided for some reason that she no longer wishes to use the great outdoors as her bathroom. So I ironed together a bunch of plastic grocery bags and used the thick plastic to line a cardboard box. Which is filled with litter made from recycled newspaper, naturally.
If my pet talked to me that way I would kill it, if I had a pet. That would make the list counterproductive.
"Place your trust in me"? Are you fucking kidding me? The minute I turn my back, you drink from the godamn toilet.
Some people are so stupid that they need to be told that their pets actually have needs.
26 is a reply to 25, not particularly a comment on the list in question.
32: the list isn't about your kids, gswift.
What site is this? For I would like to avoid it.
We shopped for new litter boxes this weekend, at the designer store Target. [That's "Tar-jay"] The kittens were adamant that they have separate boxes, what with Kiri refusing to use kitty litter [had to be the Times & shredder chads] and Isis insisting on it. Now that we've bought two new boxes, they've both decided that pine kitty litter is wheeeee! fun. It's their way of taunting us for the profligate pan purchase. And we didn't even go online.
[And Heebie, don't forget that Jams has to empty the cat pan now that you're pregnant.]
1: But cats can sneak up on you and gently tear holes in your carotid with their claws. Do not make the mistake of thinking that they're defenceless.
Bugger, I thought this was going to be a BTVS thread. I was trying to remember what episode the quote was from...
14: I think it's one of the major pluses of having male pets rather than male roommates: I can cut my cute li'l tomcat's nuts off, and not only will no one stop me, I'll get praised for being responsible! That doesn't happen when I try the same thing with male roommates.
...not that I have *hides scissors*
I didn't actually cut his nuts off personally. I paid the vet to do it. Same goes, though.
I blame this thread, in part, for the bizarre dream from which I just woke up, which involved, in part, a large bear putting its teeth on my head and choosing not to bite.
Cats can also suck out your soul, especially a baby's soul. I had an orphan cat once that thought I was its mother. It suckled on my beard, and one time on the night of a full moon I woke up to find it sitting on my chest and staring eerily down at my face.
a large bear putting its teeth on my head and choosing not to bite.
Luckily for you it wasn't a croc.
My senior cat is coming home from the vet today if all goes smoothly. He had to have surgery over the weekend to fix an obstruction of his urinary tract. Poor bastard has to wear a cone thing for two weeks, which is going to absolutely torment him. On the plus side the junior cat will no longer be alone when I'm at work, which has led to some truly epic displays of neediness.
Do people really lock up their cats as punishment? People are idiots.
This list is annoying, but mostly because it presumes to speak "as dictated by the pet." What, dude, your cat 1) can talk, and 2) just happens to be the cat Moses? Whatevs.
Ten Commandments for a PoPet as dictated by the pet.
Much more realistic, I'm sure you'll agree.
So, in other words, the only thing that stands between me and crushed bones and a mangled flesh is the brain of a cat?
And that is supposed to make me love them?
That is very twisted kinky thinking. Very.
Oh, and I love cats because they purr, and sometimes they let me pet them. For me biting bones has very little to do with that.
If I had mice and my cat was not declawed I would love how my cat catches the mice. But I don't and she is.
cats are good for the heart health so better to like them, and JE's cat's story is weird and nightmare-inducing
read,
Shhh. We let John ramble along. We think it has something to do with his mother but it really doesn't matter. Best not to confront him.
Those aren't all commandments, actually. It's more like The Ten Sanctimonious Reminders and Post-It Notes From Your Passive-Aggressive Pet. I love my dogs but if their inner voice is actually like this, I'm really glad they don't talk.
If they'd like some more for their list, though, they could go like this.
More Commandments for the Pet Owner
1. Yes, I actually do watch you masturbate. Yes, I find it amusing. Keep that in mind the next time.
2. You little know how delicious poop actually is. Well, maybe you know a little bit, because that's what was on my tongue when I licked your face this morning.
3. You think having opposable thumbs is great, huh? Well, we did even better: we found a way to get a bunch of monkeys with thumbs to wait on us. Good luck next time you evolve, smelly monkey.
4. Don't fuck with me any more about playing catch, or I'm going to bite the next toddler from the neighborhood that tries to pet the nice dog.
5. You know that stuff about how if you find us an hour after we've been bad, we don't remember it? It's a total lie spread by our paid lobbyists in Washington. We not only remember that we ripped up the garbage and spread it all over your house, we cherish the memory of doing so.
The cat with whom I live is locked in the basement for eight days while some hippie refinishes the floors in my new! shared! house!. (Ask me about the house some time when you want to feel better about your place--"fixer-upper" doesn't even begin to convey the as-is-ness involved. "Garbage house" isn't quite right either. Somewhere in between lies my moldering semi-Victorian.)
I am not happy about leaving the cat there during this process, but it's not technically my animal.
I'm noting down some of these to give to the next woman who dates me at the start of our relationship -- these seemed particularly relevant --
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainments. But I have only you. 5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me. 7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, and yet I choose not to bite you.
52 - Timothy - genius!
Don't forget this one:
Why yes, yes I can. You've seen me with your own eyes. It is even better than it looks. You took the opposable thumb, I took the flexible spine and long tongue. Tough luck monkey-boy!
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You know what's awesome? Facebook alerting you that long forgotten, ridiculous pictures of you from high school have made their way to the internet. Mullet fever, baby!
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Oh yeah! I wish I could have rocked with you dude!!! Now I'm gonna have to dig up some Bon Jovi just to settle down.
56: Are you afraid that the camera might steal your penis's soul, Apo?
I wasn't going to take any chances, Tim. Though I suspect my talismanic Magnum PI mustache probably was all the protection I needed.
with moustache even, very nice
all this august i looked like that b/c of my haircut, i asked layers like longer ups and short cut around like ear level, but got this cut
my niece said what i asked would look like grandma and this cut looks just great, now it looks just some layered look
56: I dig the setting. The couch. The art. The decorative plate. (What's on it?)
(What's on it?)
I *think* it's a horse pulling a sleigh. I can't even begin to guess whose parents' house that was.
I blame this thread, in part, for the bizarre dream from which I just woke up, which involved, in part, a large bear putting its teeth on my head and choosing not to bite.
heebie-geebie made a weird cameo appearance in one of my dreams recently. Or rather, she didn't actually appear in my dream, but someone referred to her in quite specific terms. This person (whose identity I don't remember) said something about "Gabby Hirschfeld", and I said "Who?", and the person said, "Gabby Hirschfeld -- you know, heebie-geebie."
From what twisted recess of my subconcious that particular cogneme came, I cannot say.
I thought these points were kinda sweet. Do these also apply to the ants and palmetto bugs in my house?
Anybody have a theory on why a kitten who's otherwise good about using his litterbox would want to pee on the comforter EVERY DAMN TIME I get done washing and drying it and put it back on the bed?
Two possibilities occur to me off-hand: he peed on it once before, establishing it as a place it's OK to pee, and now you're undoing that so he has to mark it again; alternately, something in your water or laundry detergent smells (to his incredibly sensitive nose) like cat pee and he's trying to mark it as his territory and no one else's. I'd guess the first, as it's basically impossible to get rid of that scent such that no cat will ever again detect it, and either he or some other cat in the past has marked it and now he's trying to reestablish it as his every time it comes out of the dryer because laundering it only makes the scent seem to have faded to dangerously faint traces rather than eradicating it.
I had a cat in college that got in the habit of peeing on a vinyl beanbag chair. Eventually I grabbed the cat and rubbed her face in the latest puddle, quite ungently. Thereafter, Protein not only never peed on the chair again, she refused to get with six feet of it and would make wide circles to avoid it when crossing the room.
Every time the cat inappropriately marks something, mark him. It doesn't keep him from marking inappropriately, but it annoys him and you get to have some fun too.
65: my cat did that several times to my roommate. He was doing it because he was getting urethra blockages. The comforter was a comfy place to sit for long periods, straining.
Make sure your kitty is passing water elsewhere.
69 is good advice: that's partly how we diagnosed our blocked-up cat. (Have I told the hilarious story of Fluster's trip to the emergency vet?)
Some form of 66 is probably the right answer, but still leaves me wondering why he only does it when I'm in the bed and preferably mostly asleep. Just when I start thinking that he's going to behave this time, whammo, cat piss. The rest of the time he pees in his litterbox just fine.
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Fever Tree tonic water's not half bad, and neither is Giuseppe Ielasi's August.
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Fever Tree tonic water's not half bad
But it's still no substitute for cat urine.
My cat tore a claw while in custody for a blockage. It clotted while he was there, but he reopened it at home... on the bed. And then did the ear-scratching thing.
It looked like a tiny massacre had occurred there.
he only does it when I'm in the bed and preferably mostly asleep
That is actually really strange behavior; ask a vet.
Also, pictures of the younger Apo always make me wonder how the hell he ever got laid.
Fire on the head, fire in the bed, B.
79: He's going next week for his first shots--he was too tiny when we first got him. But he generally seems to be a very healthy, active kitten. He just likes pissing on the comforter when I'm trying to sleep.
Maybe you should get an electric blanket, NPH.
Since my cat had a urinary blockage, he had to have a catheter put in. When we got the cat back, we got a copy of the doctor's notes, including this note: "Difficult to exteriorize the penis. (Small?)"
Ever since, we've referred to him as "little guy."
82: Then my only theory would be that he was so tiny that he ought not to have yet been removed from his mama, and that he is peeing on the bed because he has an ingrained memory of peeing as a tiny kitten when his mama would clean his bottom, and is now letting loose, so to speak, when he feels very comfortable and sleepy.
In other words, you may be screwed. I don't know anyone who's ever had a kitten that wasn't properly litter-box trained by its mother who has succeeded in doing the job mama didn't. I once had a cat who spent her entire life peeing on piles of my clothing. You just have to live with it; think of it as having a developmentally disabled cat.
there were,
the pet diapers
for the handicapped pets it seems though, sorry
83: That strategy is nearing its limits.
85: Hmmm, problematic in the tropics, but maybe worth it. OTOH, he hasn't yet peed on the quilt that's on the bed while the comforter is in the wash, so maybe easier just to stick to that, at least until winter rolls around.
87: He was definitely too little, but that can't be helped, and again, this is a very focused problem. He doesn't generally pee on the bed or anywhere else. He just pees on the comforter. And his other glitches have worked themselves out, so I'm going to hope that this one will too, and in the meantime I'm not going to bother putting that comforter back on the bed for a while.
If you can't solve the problem, trade comforters with someone. Preferably someone who doesn't own a cat.
Or maybe I could trade cats with someone who doesn't have a comforter.
Alternatively, you could stow the comforter for a future houseguest you find unpleasant.
88: One can also purchase small guinea pig diapers, for outfitting one's guinea pig, in striped trousers* for example, without fear of a mess.
*The relevant portion of that video begins at 4:10; but you may wish to watch part one first, for narrative sense and maximum pathos.
I try not to invite people I find unpleasant to my house.
Right, but sometimes you don't know that they're unpleasant until it's too late. Or you're related to them. In which case CAT PEE COMFORTER TO THE RESCUE.
Like, clearly, based on the other thread, your parents have objectionable political views. What could possibly make you feel better about that than giving them the CAT PEE COMFORTER next time they're in town?
(Stanley, you better not ever give ME the CAT PEE COMFORTER.)
Any raptors around your neighborhood? Maybe you could lay out the comforter in the back yard for a bit.
There is that. Really this whole human society thing may be overrated. The economy is coming down around our ears, work is mind-bogglingly complicated for reasons that have nothing to do with what we're supposed to be accomplishing, and I really don't feel like going to dinner with my wife's aunt (whom I really like, most of the time). Anyone have a yurt with a garden for sale somewhere near the Oregon coast? Need to close in the next 15 minutes.
I try not to invite people I find unpleasant to my house.
Yeah, but you never try hard enough, do you?
100: I wish.
NPH, I hear you. I'm mired in self-loathing and grading procrastination at the moment, myself.
98: No raptors. Ducks don't eat cats worth a damn, herons don't come in the yard, and the kitten's gotten a little too big for the toads to swallow. I think we're stuck with him.
102.2: At the moment I'm mostly one of the good guys, productivity-wise, although I have a bunch of lower-priority things that are suffering because of the fucked-uppedness of the high-priority stuff. Although, as is obvious from my comment volume, today has not set any productivity records. But lately I keep getting yanked back from the brink before I can fall too deep into frustrated unproductive depression. I think that's a good thing, but I'm stressed enough that I'm keeping a Google window open with "sudden chest pain" just in case.
Ducks don't eat cats worth a damn
herons don't come in the yard
OK, so we've definitely established that max isn't a heron.
If it gives you hope, NPH, a roommate's kitten back in the day got obsessed with peeing behind the TV. No strategy, no internet wackjob ideas and no vet advice made her stop but growing out of kittenhood and into feline adolescence did. I am on the 'something about this reminds it of times with mama' bandwagon. Cats are definitely going for a recreation of the kitten pile experience when they bunch up on their owners at night which kind of makes me wonder if the kitten in question didn't get peed on a lot. Emerson may be onto something here.
You have your work, your friends, your entertainments.
I don't think this writer can be addressing me.
