Re: Teen Sex And Inventions

1

You could sell more than one box if you didn't call them Virgin Condoms.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:31 PM
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Since we now know that there are a hell of a lot of teens out there not having sex, you would have a substantial market even if you did call them that.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:34 PM
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The exciting moment when the young man unveils his Virgin Condom sends the young woman a very special message that she is the one he's been waiting for, the one he'll always remember. It's the greatest gift a lad can give a lass.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:37 PM
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You could also call them "Pushing-30 Grad-Student Condoms." I keep having to check the ones I got and the date on them looms ever nearer.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:41 PM
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5

Eponysterical.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:44 PM
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6

What exactly is the meaning of the expiration date on a condom anyway? In what way will it no longer function properly after that date?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:45 PM
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So there's a conventional wisdom network now?

Is that something I'd have needed to have had a tv to have known?


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:46 PM
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8

6: the polymers break down and it's at increased risk of breaking.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:47 PM
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9

Makes sense. Thanks.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:48 PM
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10

Let's get to the important question. Why is the "And" in the post title capitalized?


Posted by: Witt | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:49 PM
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11

You'd need something that really last well, like aluminum.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:49 PM
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12

Because of the excitement of bringing together two recent posts. Look, I haven't been posting much. I'm rusty.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:50 PM
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13

10: it received bailout money.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:50 PM
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10: it's post-modern. What LB really means is "Teen sex is inventions".


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:51 PM
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11: Rubberized fabric? Like what they make raincoats out of?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:51 PM
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16

Rawhide.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 8:55 PM
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17

I like to use intestine condoms, but I don't believe animals should suffer not just the most extreme danger, but indeed death, just so I may indulge safely in intercourse. Consequently, I simply stick an entire cow on the end of my dick, and proceed from there.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:00 PM
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18

The feeling suffers, but my conscience is salved.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:01 PM
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19

You could just reüse your sausage casings. You do eat sausage, don't you?


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:06 PM
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20

Yes, but when I do so, I swallow it all.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:07 PM
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21

I always remember hearing about a Roman condom made of wood that was found by archaeologists, but I haven't been able to back that up. Still, wood.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:08 PM
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22

Just heard on the Daily Show some Republican saying "There's condoms in it!" [the stimulus package]. Maybe if you act quickly, there are billions of dollars to go toward this idea.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:08 PM
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23

21: Splinteriffic.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:12 PM
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24

Rubberized fabric? Like what they make raincoats out of?

Nah, go with the old-school reliable fabric that's known to last for decades: oilskin.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:13 PM
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20: You really should give me a call next time you're in Chicago.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:14 PM
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Your marketing dept. would force you into selling a three-pack (VC: Three-Runner) and a cheaper, regular condom (VC: Imminence). The standard Virgin Condom might still be useful as a contrasting member of the brand, though.


Posted by: destroyer | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:16 PM
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27

Grad student condoms are made out of acid free paper.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:17 PM
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28

I'm going to be in Chicago in April, but I'm not eating your sausage, pmp.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:17 PM
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29

Virgin Condoms are red, so you can board first if you're wearing one.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:18 PM
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30

Check out this grim magus of the sea.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:20 PM
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31

Marginally related: There's a river in Utah (of course) called the Virgin. The Virgin River valley was once home to a distinctive prehistoric culture referred to as the Virgin Anasazi.

As if that weren't enough, there's another river, this one in Nevada, called the Muddy. The Muddy River joins the Virgin just before they both flow into the Colorado at Lake Mead. This area, which is downstream from the rest of the Virgin drainage and therefore lower in elevation, was home to a subgroup of the Virgin Anasazi. Naturally, that group is known as the Lowland Muddy-Virgin Anasazi.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:20 PM
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32

Man, geography humor. Kills me every time.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:21 PM
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33

It's what I do.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:25 PM
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34

32: nobody expects the deadly fifth humor.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:25 PM
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35

Or actually wait I guess ben has a black bile problem.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:25 PM
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36

You can delete 34, if you want.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:26 PM
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37

Sauk Valley Man, one of the oldest human skeletons in the W. Hemisphere? Wobegon. I know the people who own the site, and the archeologists are back after 70 years.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:28 PM
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30: You may laugh, but the Gordon's fisherman is protected. Also, I'm sorry to hear 28, Ben.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:28 PM
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39

the archeologists are back after 70 years.

I thought they only emerge on 13 or 17 year cycles.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:30 PM
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40

39: it's actually closer to 75; they trail Haley's comet by about two decades.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:31 PM
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41

God, is it only Wednesday?


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:31 PM
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42

What in the world is the Gordon's fisherman?


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:31 PM
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43

At a minimum sell them in two-packs. The second is given to the first-time partner (who reciprocates). From there each time you first have sex with a new partner the condom in question is given to the partner. People would speculate on where "their" condom might be. It might even come to be discussed on blogs.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:32 PM
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42: A grim magus of the sea, and the Gorton's fisherman's trademark-flouting doppelganger.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:37 PM
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45

42: I assume PMP meant Gorton's.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:38 PM
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46

Hey, Gorton's fisherman: over here! No, over here!

Hah, he loves that.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:39 PM
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47

32: "Early Triassic microbial spheroids in the Virgin Limestone Member of the
Moenkopi Formation"


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:39 PM
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48

47: that's hilarious!


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:42 PM
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49

More on the Virgin Anasazi, from a book I was just reading today:

Widespread failure to reproduce, perhaps in the course of a return to a more mobile, collecting-dependent lifeway, may have led to physical and cultural extinction of the Far Western Anasazi populations.

Should have emulated the Slutty Anasazi, I guess.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:44 PM
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50

Slutty Anasazi

More commonly known as the Anasleazy.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:46 PM
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51

So is "lower muddy" a euphemism for soiled?


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:46 PM
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49: They were just conserving the water!

(And I am pretty sure that the Virgin Limestone Member of the Moenkopi Formation is named for the same river.)


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:47 PM
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53

No one's going to bring up the Galactic Prophylactic?
It's a layer of rubber! Then a layer of reinforced steel! Another layer of rubber! It's a family heirloom!


Posted by: F | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:47 PM
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54

50: That's just what the Navajo called them. The PC term is "Manqué Ancestral Puebloans".


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:51 PM
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55

Ya know, why don't they just make genitalia-shaped fishsticks as a pre-marital sex discourager?

max
['They could be larded with birth control.']


Posted by: max | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:51 PM
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56

I have nothing substantial to add to the discussion minus the observation that this is clearly genius. And amazingly funny.


Posted by: DL | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:52 PM
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57

And I am pretty sure that the Virgin Limestone Member of the Moenkopi Formation is named for the same river.

Presumably. Moenkopi isn't that far away.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:52 PM
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58

Moenkopi is, of course, a Hopi community, and therefore the (eventual) result of the activities of the Slutty Anasazi.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:56 PM
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59

This is genius. I was definitely pretty irritated/embarrassed when I had to throw out the first condoms I'd bought before they'd been used.

And there's not really any harm in making them extra-thick. A virgin, or someone who's only used those condoms, won't know what they're missing.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:57 PM
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60

I thought they only emerge on 13 or 17 year cycles.

Giggle.

Valentine's Day around these parts includes a dance where there are strips of colorful condoms taped to the walls. And the health center gives out condoms that are inside plastic keychain dongles. We suspect these are effective in that carrying one ensures you will not get laid.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 9:58 PM
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There are PLENTY of great members in this great world of ours. My allegiance has always been to the Noble Limestone Member, though the Kokomo Limestone Member, the Valentine Limestone Member, the Utopia Limestone Member, the Napoleon Sandstone Member, the Keyhole Sandstone Member, the Magnus Sandstone Member, the McCracken Sandstone Member, the Lower Algal Chert Member, the Marble Bar Chert Member, the Snake Creek Mudstone Member, and the Moorooloo Mudstone Member all have their charms.

One classic work of geology

The Delicias Sandstone Member only has one citation by that name, but I think we all know what synonyms get used in its place.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 01-28-09 10:31 PM
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62

Virgin condoms should be branded "Peppermint Lifesavers", so that teeneagers in small towns can tell the guy at the drugstore (who probably sings in the church choir with the teen's parents), "I'd like a pack of Peppermint Lifesavers, please."

This would also cast a welcome smokescreen of ambiguity around the drugstore guy's response ("So you've got a date with Sherry Barnett, do you?").


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 5:46 AM
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63

And there's not really any harm in making them extra-thick. A virgin, or someone who's only used those condoms, won't know what they're missing.

This could actually be a selling point. "With Sensation-Gard, to make that first time laaaaaast."


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 6:02 AM
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64

I'm shocked, shocked I say, that no one has yet mentioned saddlebacking; to saddleback.

"I don't need Virgin Condoms: I saddleback."


Posted by: Jesurgislac | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 6:28 AM
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65

Of course, the last sentence shouldn't be taken as a statement of intent. I've never in fact saddlebacked, or wanted to. In fact, I think people who saddleback are morans. But it's a great word! Saddleback!

Not that I'm trying to googlebomb or anything. I wouldn't be so savage.


Posted by: Jesurgislac | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 6:30 AM
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62: On second thought, "Peppermint Lifesavers" s/b "Cherry Lifesavers".


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 6:30 AM
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66: shouldn't that be "ex-cherry lifesavers"?


Posted by: Jesurgislac | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 6:38 AM
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58: Last night I heard a violent knock on the door of my cliff dwelling in the middle of the night, and these jack-booted thugs rifled through all of my stuff. They even trashed my kiva! I fucking hate the Anastasi.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 6:39 AM
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69

I fucking hate the Anastasi.

The worst part is, even after you kill them, they keep rising from the dead.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 7:42 AM
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70

Thicker, e.g. almost anything made by Trojan, feel, I am told like garbage bags. I knwo of at least one guy whose first time with a Trojan took him 50 minutes to come. He's learned to speed it up a bit since.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 7:45 AM
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71

I thought we weren't supposed to call them Anasazi anymore?


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 7:59 AM
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72

I actually spent considerable effort designing an improved condom only to find that it had already been invented. I reinvent shit all the time. Annoying.

Probably the next great step in condom design will be improvements in thermal conductivity. Low thermal mass plus high conductivity would be a substantial improvement. Perhaps including buckytubes in the polymer matrix would do the trick.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 8:11 AM
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If you combined the thermal conductivity with the flux capacitor, one partner could enjoy the moment again and again and again, while the other partner went to turn on The Daily Show and get on with things.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 8:17 AM
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The Anasazis are technically only the minority of the tribe who stayed in the Southwest. The rest of them trekked several hundred miles north over the mountains to settle around Trebizond, and are now known as the Anabazis.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 8:37 AM
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75

Who then split into the Ashkenazis and Anabaptists.


Posted by: Mo MacArbie | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 8:38 AM
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76

and the mythical, crazy Bananabazis.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 8:45 AM
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77

Who then split into the Ashkenazis and Anabaptists.

Beware the syncretism of Ashkenazim and Anabaptists: it involves sacramental adult circumcision.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 8:45 AM
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77: And then the crafty devils make extremely durable foreskin condoms with the gifts.


Posted by: Mo MacArbie | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 8:51 AM
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79

The Bananabazi peels completely fall apart during coitus. But they keep using them. See, they're crazy!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 8:56 AM
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80

I thought we weren't supposed to call them Anasazi anymore?

Right, they have returned to their tribal maiden name, Johnson.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 9:13 AM
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81

When I was a teenager I worked in a gas station. There was a coin-operated condom vending machine in the men's room. For laffs, I opened up the condom machine and hooked up a relay so that when you turned the knob to dispense the product, it would set off a loud alarm bell you could hear all over the lot.


Posted by: W. Kiernan | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 9:22 AM
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Condoms made of rigid materials (wood, steel) make me think of a combination vibrator/fleshlight- you can both use it at the same time, and no chance of it breaking.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 9:23 AM
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71: I thought we weren't supposed to call them Anasazi anymore?

See 54.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 9:27 AM
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84

For laffs, I opened up the condom machine and hooked up a relay so that when you turned the knob to dispense the product, it would set off a loud alarm bell you could hear all over the lot.

Rarely was Monsignor Murphy's Irish temper seen in such full glory as that Sunday afternoon after Mass.


Posted by: Armer Ritter | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 9:37 AM
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85

the Anastasi.

"Anna Stasi, I'd like you to meet Ilsa, the She Wolf of the SS."


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 9:45 AM
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almost anything made by Trojan, feel, I am told like garbage bags.

One time Bad Old GF and I used an unlubricated condom from her roommate's stash; I think I actually used scissors to get that fucker off. We speculated that roommate's father, a rather old-fashioned doctor, had sent them as part of a ploy to keep her from having sex.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 10:19 AM
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72: I reinvent shit all the time.

Most people just crap it out.


Posted by: Jesurgislac | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 10:19 AM
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88

I understand that donut tires are actually the VC of tires, in that they are built to handle longer storage, etc.


Posted by: Klug | Link to this comment | 01-29-09 4:31 PM
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