Re: The day after

1

Spraying Perrier on your nether regions helps with stinging? Huh. I did not know that.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:12 PM
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Yes, a big fire extinguisher full of Perrier, like a clown uses.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:17 PM
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3

Peri-Yay!

If I wasn't on such a bummer right now, I would be very much amused. Oh well.


Posted by: minneapolitan | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:17 PM
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4

you just pee all over your hospital room floor

Fuck it, get your kicks while you can, I says. See how long they'll put up with it.


Posted by: foolishmortal | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:21 PM
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2: Clowns use seltzer bottles, heebie, and shouldn't be relied on in the event of a real fire, not even for comic relief. Man, what has birthing done to you?


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:21 PM
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Oh, and be sure to tell whoever it is that is cleaning all the pee up off of the floor that they're doing it wrong. They love that joke.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:22 PM
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7

totally incontinent

Comity!


Posted by: baby-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:23 PM
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8

I'll have you know that the person who cleaned it up was a clown with a fire extinguisher, thankyouverymuch.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:25 PM
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9

When I was working in a travel bookstore, a promotion for a certain line of guidebooks encouraged marketing ideas from booksellers. Our idea was "Europe: the 'In' Continent. You're Just Gonna Shit!" Mysteriously, it was not embraced by the publisher.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:29 PM
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10

8: So when you said "stinging", you actually meant "burning"?


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:30 PM
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11

you don't need to bother when you're totally incontinent

I'm sorry, hon. That's gotta suck.

max
['I had not heard of that one before.']


Posted by: max | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:31 PM
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12

In Texas, all clowns are issued fire extinguishers.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:32 PM
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13

Or wait, were you just belittling the person's cleaning skills?

"Hey clown, you missed a spot! Geez, it's impossible to get good help these days!"


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:34 PM
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But the great thing is that all of the changes in your body from here on out are improvements,which is a change from the last nine months. It takes a while, but everything is as of now starting to move back towards the non-pregnant norm.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:39 PM
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15

Texas clowns are trained to clean M/tch's nether regions with fire extinguishers?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:39 PM
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16

It's the washlet, Texas-style.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:42 PM
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They're rodeo clowns.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:51 PM
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18

Seriously, though, heebie, I hope you're not embarrassed about peeing all over the floor. It's a hospital - they know all about it. No worries; it'll work itself out. You just did something pretty major, after all.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:57 PM
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19

I mean the birthing, not the peeing!


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 6:58 PM
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20

Just install floor drains and washdown hoses in your house. It'll save you the hassle of potty training yourself, and the savings in diapers for the geeblet will pay for it within a few months.


Posted by: Not Prince Hamlet | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 7:00 PM
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21

I hope you're not embarrassed about peeing all over the floor.

No, I wasn't particularly embarrassed. (Although my in-laws were in the room with us.) I was very, very surprised though. And apologetic about the mess. But in a way, glad that it didn't hurt?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 7:08 PM
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I figured putting peri-peri on your nether regions would burn like a mo-fo, but I guess you Texans are inured to that sort of thing.


Posted by: pain perdu | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 7:14 PM
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21: Excellent. No pain is good.

Jammies knows where the Depends isle in the store is, right? (Shouldn't you be sleeping, woman?)


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 7:21 PM
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I was very, very surprised though.

I was not at all prepared for the immediate postpartum stuff. Oh, I suppose I had read about it in a book or something, but did they talk about it at the childbirth class? Hell, no. Nothing beyond a brief mention of some "discomfort," as I recall.

It really is temporary, though, I promise.


Posted by: Mary Catherine | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 7:23 PM
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25

Doctor, will I be continent after I have the baby?

After a couple of days at most.

Great. I never was before.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 7:27 PM
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26

the Depends isle

OMG. Aisle.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 7:29 PM
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27

On the Depends Isle, the natives either tell lies or pee freely. You have just one question to determine which your host tribe is. What do you do?


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 7:35 PM
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28

Visit the birthing hut.

No, wait. Pour water from a jug before various members.

No, wait. Um. It has to be a question. Fuck Bother you, Dr. Turgid! I realize the commenting standards around here have gone to hell, what with the no-value and the analogies, but really. The entrance exams have become a little exacting, no?


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 7:45 PM
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29

I realize the commenting standards around here have gone to hell

Commenting, incontinence, same difference.

max
['Where's the catheter?']


Posted by: max | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 8:09 PM
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30

I just can't believe I spelled "aisle" that way, and feel apologetic about the mess.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 8:22 PM
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31

No worries, Parsimon. I just took it as a stylistic affectation, and therefore skimmed right over it.


Posted by: Mary Catherine | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 8:29 PM
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32

Oh snap!


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 8:32 PM
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31: Well! Well then! That's just fine, then!


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 8:41 PM
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31: well! well then! thats just fine then!

Fixed!

max
['That's still coherent tho.']


Posted by: max | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 8:49 PM
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35

Suddenly not being able to control bodily functions which you formerly could control is way the most disorienting thing that's ever happened to me. In a very slapstick The State "hey who am I? what's going on?" kind of way.


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 8:57 PM
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36

Clowns use seltzer bottles

The pierrot uses Perrier.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 9:21 PM
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37

E. Messily, everything work out today? I only just returned from U of Maryland. Well, UMd and the gym.


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 9:22 PM
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38

yeah semi okay. I didn't pee on anyone, for example.


Posted by: Cecily | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 9:26 PM
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39

something I did not learn is apparently how to make my computer use different "names" for me...


Posted by: E. Messiy | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 9:27 PM
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40

Me neither. [high five]


Posted by: Armsmasher | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 9:27 PM
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41

A physical therapist who specializes in women's issues works in our building.

She is fond of shouting across the parking lot to tell me her latest techniques to help with postpartum bladder issues as well as helping women return to their peak sexual function.

I keep having to remind her that not everyone around us wants to hear about it.


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 9:35 PM
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42

"peak sexual function" sounds so ... manipulative, somehow.

"Hey, Will! I totally figured out how to fix women's, you know, parts! See, what you do is, you ..."


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 9:50 PM
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43

||
Channel surfing during Family Guy commercial breaks, stopped on the public TV screening of local government debates and found out that a complete nitwit I rode the bus with in HS (quoth he, during Gulf War I: "I'm thinking about going to Israel, because this is a time when all Jews should go to Israel") is in the MN House of Representatives. As if I wasn't already skeptical enough about electoral politics!
||>


Posted by: minneapolitan | Link to this comment | 04-23-09 9:53 PM
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"Hey, Will! I totally figured out how to fix women's, you know, parts! See, what you do is, you ..."

"...awww, the heck! It's too hard to explain. C'mere and put your finger right here, I'll show you what I mean."


Posted by: pain perdu | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 5:30 AM
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45

41: But heebie might be interested in the improving her bladder function, will. Spill a few.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 9:16 AM
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46

But heebie might be interested in the improving her bladder function, will.

Let's not impose out values on the Heebster, BG. She can make up her own mind without your hinting around.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 9:22 AM
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47

"our values"


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 9:23 AM
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48

Isn't it just pelvic floor exercises? (For both?)


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 10:05 AM
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49

48: That sounds like it could be an Olympic gymnastics event.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 10:11 AM
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To quote my Lamaze instructor, "Kegel kegel kegel!" Said in the most maddeningly perky tone possible. Not that it isn't good advice generally.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 10:22 AM
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51

Your peeing on the floor will be nothing compared to HP's exploding poo. #2 always beats #1.


Posted by: PGofHSM | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 10:22 AM
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52

36: 'Smasher!

51: I heartily approve of your new handle, PG. You were next on the "to nag" list, but now, no need!


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 11:01 AM
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"Kegel kegel kegel!" Said in the most maddeningly perky tone possible.

To the tune of the Dredel song, one hopes?


Posted by: pain perdu | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 11:32 AM
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54

I have a little kegel
I made it with my vajay
And when it's good and ready
Then continence is mine I'll say

Kegel Kegel Kegel
I do it everyday
Kegel Kegel Kegel
And when I'm dry and steady
I'll pee 3 times a day!


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 12:43 PM
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55

...I made it out of (modeling) clay.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 12:45 PM
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56

53: Nope.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 12:46 PM
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57

3: Minne, what's going on? If peepee geebie can't cheer you up, it must be serious!


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 1:20 PM
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58

peepee geebie

OK, I LOLed.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 2:59 PM
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59

57: I am undone by my own vanity and lassitude. Without going into strenuous detail, I seem to have gone from Mr. Popularity at my volunteer committment to being on the outs with people.


Posted by: minneapolitan | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 3:16 PM
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59: I am undone by my own vanity and lassitude.

But retain a knack for pith that's apt.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 3:29 PM
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61

Urine! Urine! Urinate!


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 3:52 PM
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59: How odd. Hard feelings within a volunteer organization. I never heard of such a thing.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 5:05 PM
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63

togolosh, you're new here. "LOL" is banned.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 8:25 PM
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64

togolosh is not new.

Anyway.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 8:37 PM
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65

"LOL" is banned.

Any ban that would forbid this is misguided.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 9:22 PM
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63: "banned" is deprecated, BG.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 9:40 PM
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66: "deprecated" is mildly discouraged, MM.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 9:48 PM
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JP Stormcrow is banned!


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 9:55 PM
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69

Banning is the new lollerbation.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 10:18 PM
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65: What about this?


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 10:23 PM
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Lollerbation is like the analogy ban.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 10:26 PM
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No more lollerbating to the analogy ban.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 10:33 PM
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72: LOL, LOL, LOLlerbate, LOL!!!1!


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-24-09 10:36 PM
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74

"peak sexual function" sounds so ... manipulative, somehow.

"Hey, Will! I totally figured out how to fix women's, you know, parts! See, what you do is, you ..."

Parsimon, this made me laugh. As did pain and BG.

This PT has also been known to run out of a exam room and excitedly, and loudly, tell her staff the the patient "had her first orgasim since she had her baby!!!!!"


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 04-25-09 6:00 AM
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75

Things like that and the peeing on the floor are nature's way of taking out the smug.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-25-09 7:18 PM
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76

I ♥ Garfunkel and Oates.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-25-09 8:00 PM
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74.last: That's completely great. The PT might keep her voice down, of course, and be a bit more measured about her own excitable responses. There's a time and a place, after all.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-25-09 8:25 PM
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