Re: P/tch Sk/lls

1

Goddamn Smiths.


Posted by: beamish | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:04 PM
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The competitive parent was just trying Competitive Parent's best. You should have acknowledged Competitive Parent's effort. Way to be, Competitive Parent!


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:07 PM
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I denied his child a trophy, just to teach him a lesson.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:09 PM
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Strange: Typing makes my hands hurt when I'm doing work, but not when I'm commenting on blogs.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:09 PM
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Your body's telling you to go Galt.


Posted by: bizzah | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:11 PM
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Now that you've made a permanent record of being critical of competitive parents, you better be on your best behavior when Hawaiian Punch is the right age for youth soccer, lest she throw this back in your face.


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:13 PM
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That's why we're not going to teach her to read.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:13 PM
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Hee. When I ran a league, it was really, really hard not to put myself on the best teams. I settled for always putting myself on the team with the guy I had a crush on, but since he was very skilled, I was on a disproportionate number of league champion teams.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:16 PM
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The league in our town was run by a couple I'll call The Smiths

Pretty cool that Morrissey and Johnny Marr ran a youth soccer league, even if they employed dubious ethics in the course of adminstering it. (great story, though, and even though you were a teenager, you should have told the parent to shove it up his/her ass).


Posted by: kth | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:16 PM
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That's why we're not going to teach her to read.

That's why the post title is google-proofed, of course.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:17 PM
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God, some of the other parents of kids on Keegan's hockey squads are crazily over-invested in the games. So weird to watch. Toward the end of the just-ended spring season, I had one of the moms ask me, "How do you stand it with Keegan playing goalie? Are you just a ball of nerves?" I was a little surprised, since she had previously seemed like one of the sane parents. I answered, "It's a bunch of 11-year-olds playing a game. As long as nobody's getting hurt, I just enjoy watching them play."

Response: [blink blink change subject]


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:23 PM
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Yeah. When the spouse and I coached our daughter's soccer team, one particular father gave us a long lecture on what we were doing wrong, how we could win if we changed the offense/defense lineup (so his son, naturally, would be the forward), and so on. One game my wife put his lineup on the field for demonstration purposes. Down 10-0 at the half, she changed it back to the way it was. Of course, asshole did not attend that game.


Posted by: r/ufus m/acgonagall | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:23 PM
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What seems so funny about this to me is the skill variation among eight year olds, from kids who are doing botany while balls whiz by them, to kids who really play well. If the league is like the ones I know, cherrypicking the best players would give you a team that would look like the Harlem Globetrotters playing the Washington Generals, every game.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:23 PM
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I saw the title and was excited that we were getting a post about the upcoming M/tch M/lls sales seminar.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:23 PM
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11: I cheer enthusiastically. And I only restrain myself from yelling advice by remembering that I have literally no idea what I'm talking about.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:24 PM
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I wouldn't have expected Wilde to be a significantly better soccer player than either Keats or Yeats.


Posted by: jms | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:24 PM
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Could win more, I meant to say. It's vitally important that y'all know we DID WIN. Some.


Posted by: r/umpus m/obumpus | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:25 PM
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Another pointless anecdote brought to you by Heebie's desire to share.

You're just pondering life's complexities. It's not as if we're saying "Bigmouth strikes again!"


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:26 PM
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14: Well, I am known to be rather persuasive.


Posted by: M/tch ***** | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:27 PM
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Bigmouth strikes again!


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:28 PM
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20: That joke isn't funny anymore


Posted by: M/tch ***** | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:30 PM
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Remember, children, this is a safe space. You can tell me anything.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:30 PM
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The joke in 16 is still great, though.


Posted by: M/tch ***** | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:31 PM
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I thought you weren't going to comment in this thread, M/tch.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:32 PM
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22: Is that a quote by Myra Hindley?


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:33 PM
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19: Yeah, see, a closing technique that effective oughta be patented.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:34 PM
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24: So did I.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:34 PM
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"Throw your skinny body down, son!" is how The Smiths tell their goalie he needs to dive.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:38 PM
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11: I cheer enthusiastically. And I only restrain myself from yelling advice by remembering that I have literally no idea what I'm talking about.

There's the old chestnuts, "Kick it!", "Get back!" and "Get that guy!"


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:50 PM
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I settled for always putting myself on the team with the guy I had a crush on

Did he ever figure out what was going on?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:53 PM
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29: Ned cheers live sex shows.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:54 PM
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Dear Rising Junior,

I find your soccer team very appealing, and would like to coach it.

Best,
teofilo

P.S. I am not creepy.


Posted by: Standpipe Bridgeplate | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:56 PM
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29: What does one say to cheer at childrens' soccer matches? I'm about two years away and I have no idea about the rules of soccer beyond the obvious (no hands except for the goalie, if you can kick the ball while flipping heels over head you can make millions).


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 12:58 PM
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Usually one just cheers to praise, not to encourage.

"Good ______!"

The best is "Good positioning!" Makes your kid think both you and he are smart.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:00 PM
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What I mostly do is get all the kids' names straight, and then yell myself hoarse whenever anyone gets near the ball or does anything that looks spiffy. A lot of "Go, Octavia!"


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:00 PM
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Nice hustle!

Good teamwork, [team].

Way to stick with it!

Also, when kid makes a goal, I like to praise the kid who made the pass. "Way to get her the ball, Susie!" Spread the glory around a bit.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:03 PM
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34: I think I'm going with the advice in 35 and 36. I don't know good positioning from bad and I wouldn't want five year olds thinking of me as 'sarcastic dad' if I said 'good positioning' at the wrong time.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:05 PM
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Did he ever figure out what was going on?

Yep. It was a pretty open secret. Besides, he saw the blog entries. We were buddies.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:06 PM
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Standpipe knows me better than I know myself.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:07 PM
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I pick out the worst players and scream constructive criticism. That's how to maximize the value of your input. The good players don't need it.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:15 PM
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34-36 are good, but remember that almost all the time, the kids on the field can't hear you. Cheering is mostly for your own vicarious pleasure.

Also, though I can't hold a grudge, I do know there's a place in Hell for parents who run down OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN on the sidelines. There's no excuse for shouting negative shit to your own, anyway, but the outrage goes up a few notches when you shout at kids not your own.


Posted by: r@#$% m$%^& | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:20 PM
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Cheering is mostly for your own vicarious pleasure.

Oh, I know. I yell because I get excited -- I develop strategies for constructive cheering so that I can direct the inevitable yelling into something that doesn't make me look like an ass.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:24 PM
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Nobody gets tanked and yells obscure British football chants before plowing into the parents on the opposing team?


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:27 PM
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43 makes a good point. I should join the local soccer organization so I can chant "KOPITES ARE GOBSHITES".


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:28 PM
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41, 42: I thought parents cheered so they didn't look like slackers to the other parents. I was on a swim team and the parents cheered right through every race I could understand the cheering before and after the race, but people with their head underwater don't tend to hear much.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:29 PM
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COME ON YOU REDS!


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:35 PM
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Perhaps people whose social lives take place on blogs are not the best for figuring out the motivation behind primarily vocal activities like cheering.


Posted by: Cyrus | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:36 PM
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DS is cheering for live sex shows, also.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:36 PM
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For breaststroke events, I remember people timing their cheers for whenever whomever they were cheering for came up to breathe.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:37 PM
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48: Only the interracial ones.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:38 PM
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I thought parents cheered so they didn't look like slackers to the other parents.

More like...they cheer so other parents know they are paying attention.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:39 PM
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I cheer relentlessly and constantly. I remember AWB complaining about overpraise at softball games and thinking that she had a case against me.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:39 PM
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50: Facist.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:39 PM
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38: What is this "hops" you speak of?


Posted by: Sir Kraab | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:45 PM
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The only excuse for shouting "Come on you Reds" is that there's a revolution going on.

Really, the point of kids in single figure ages playing sports is to have fun. Any parent who fucks with that is an idiot.


Posted by: OFE | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:47 PM
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"Hops" means you have a springy vertical leap.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:54 PM
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HG is the Phil Jackson of the soccer league. She should take over the Lakers when his Philness retires.

(Then she could shout Kobe! every day!

Kobe!)


Posted by: W. Breeze | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:55 PM
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55.2: Ohhh, I wouldn't be doing it as a parent.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 1:58 PM
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("Come on you Reds" would get extra douchebag points because of course, it's not really obscure at all and guaranteed to piss off any actual Brits in the vicinity.)


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 2:05 PM
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||

I just made a big-ass batch of New Mexico green chile sauce and poured it over some fried eggs. I feel very, very good right now.

I got lazy about taking the seeds out halfway through, so the sauce is super-hot -- too hot for Mrs. Wrongshore. But she'll be pleased that I got half of the chiles out of the freezer, where they sat since the days of the first Mrs. Wrongshore, proud New Mexican native.

(She'll be less pleased that I'm putting six pints of sauce back in the freezer. But this way I'll use them up.)

|>


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 2:11 PM
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60: Yum.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 2:12 PM
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More like...they cheer so other parents know they are paying attention.

Nah, it's about modeling good parenting habits for the other parents. See how I praise values like hard work and perseverance? See the good sportsmanship I show by applauding the other teams very well-earned goal? You just ripped little Betsy a new one? Watch as I make you look bad by yelling at her that she's doing great and should hang in there!


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 2:19 PM
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As an aside, UNG coaches Rory's team, and I am so conflicted when the parents on the sideline bitch about the coaching. On the one hand, get up off your lazy asses and try coaching yourself if you think you can do better. On the other hand, heh, people bitching about UNG...


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 2:20 PM
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"Trip that little motherfucker with the ball! Go for blood!"

I'm not very popular with the other parents.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 2:26 PM
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DS, are you saying kopites aren't gobshites?


Posted by: Crpytic ned | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 2:40 PM
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Surely one cheers so one doesn't get "More noise in a library, there's more noise in a library" sang at one?

Heebie, does your team have supporters? Do they have any good chants? You should teach them some.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 3:12 PM
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Oh jeez, I am now sitting here reading football fan forums and laughing at songs. Some of them are so clever and funny. I've never been to a football match, and have a bet on with C that I never will, but if I ever went, it would be for the singing.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 3:15 PM
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65: I'm neutral on the kopites vs. gobshites question. But I do believe it's well established that "l-i-v" when combined with "e-r-p" and a "double oh-l" signifies "liverpool FC."


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 3:16 PM
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I do a lot of "Go Purple" or "Go Dragons" team-type cheers. Can't remember all the players' names and would feel silly cheering only for my kids. I always cheer for the other side's keeper - as the parent of a keeper I have great sympathy for whoever plays that position.


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 3:18 PM
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Come on, Asilon, support your local half-assed lower level team that is one step from insolvency. Where do you live, London? There are many options.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 4:05 PM
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was on a swim team and the parents cheered right through every race I could understand the cheering before and after the race, but people with their head underwater don't tend to hear much.

At my first meet, my first event, my Dad shouted my name over and over so I stopped and looked up at him and said "what?" as everyone swam past me.


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 7:02 PM
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Nobody gets tanked and yells obscure British football chants before plowing into the parents on the opposing team?

Apparently some Miramar Rangers (who play in blue and black & I think have mentioned here before when ahem tanked) fans sing The Billy Boys, except of course most people don't get why this is a bit offensive.

The quality of football chants in NZ is pretty shocking, to be honest. Best I ever heard was `Lei Lei Gao, He'll shoot, He'll score, He'll eat your labrador, Lei Lei Gao', Which I like to think was a multicultural affirmation of diverse ethnic foodstuffs. Sadly, it was probably just racist.


Posted by: Keir | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 7:07 PM
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(And even worse he was a shite player. Lazy and thought he was CR.)


Posted by: Keir | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 7:09 PM
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Some parents cheer at kids' games because those particular parents' self-worth is entirely and completely invested in WINNING NOW.

These are the same people who are rabid fans of the state university basketball team, which consists of kids from out of state playing for a school the fans have not attended.

They are the same individuals who cheer the 19th goal in a 19-0 soccer ("football," I know) game as loudly as the first.

I am an internet nerd because I don't comprehend those people.


Posted by: r/arrrr m/emmm | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 7:17 PM
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Having spent far, far more time than is right as a kids' sports parent, coach, commissioner, referee, umpire, parent of referees and parent of umpires, a few points from that experience.

1) There is a pretty good argument to be made that American youth sports are a net evil. If you don't subscribe to that view, sure, cheer your head off; non-specific positive cheering is the best. Consider nicknaming your kid "Red" or "White" if you want to personalize.

2) However, I will say that the best game I ever coached in was one where almost all of the parents on each side knew each other and got absorbed in talking to each other in the stands and hardly watched the game.

3) Don't go to all of your child's games/contests, the more you feel this would be an awful thing to do, the more you and your child need you to do it.

4) Be prepared to discover that when it comes to your children's sports you are a "Smith". One of the seemingly nicest men I ever worked with was banned from coaching in his daughter's softball league.

5) Adults who harass or yell at kid refs and umps are the absolute lowest of the low.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 7:26 PM
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Adults who harass or yell at kid refs and umps are the absolute lowest of the low dead to me.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 7:28 PM
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5) Adults who harass or yell at kid refs and umps are the absolute lowest of the low.

If you are a referee in football, and anybody on the sideline starts giving you crap, you can ask them to leave, and they have to according to the Laws of the Game. You shouldn't, unless they are really awful, but it can be useful to go over and tell them to shut up, and remind them that if the Austrian and German coaches can be sent to sit in the stands, so can they.

Also! The players probably know what they are doing more than you almost always if you are a parent, so constructive criticism is pointless. Certainly, shouting specific advice is pretty useless mostly.


Posted by: Keir | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 7:33 PM
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Ugh, but those last two sentences aren't very nice.


Posted by: Keir | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 7:33 PM
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75.3) Don't go to all of them? Or don't not go to all of them?


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 7:38 PM
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79: Poorly worded. Advice is to miss a few. Very healthy for parent and child.

77: Yes, I am quite familiar with that aspect. Great in theory (really soccer/football has the best rules by FAR!) but hard in practice for a youth referee when there are adults about.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 7:48 PM
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there's a place in Hell for parents who run down OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN on the sidelines. There's no excuse for shouting negative shit to your own, anyway, but the outrage goes up a few notches when you shout at kids not your own.

This is true. I will, however, confess to sometimes wishing the parents of a couple of the kids would "encourage" a bit more.

We've got a girl on my daughter's team that seriously just stands in place the entire game like a goddamn mushroom. We don't get offsides calls when she's put in a defender spot because she'll plant herself at our end of the field. Once in a long while she'll attempt to kick the ball instead of watching it roll by, but only if it comes close enough. And her dad stands there grinning like a fucking idiot.

I understand doing some dandelion gazing as I did my share of that when I first started playing. But these are the twelve year olds for christ's sakes.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 8:30 PM
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I can't believe you punched her dad, though, gswift. While in uniform!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 8:32 PM
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Punching might hurt your hand. Use something else, like a helmet.

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_12596088

Last year, an angry Tumua Fagota Siaumau swung a helmet and broke the jaw of his son's assistant football coach after Granger High School lost to Highland High...As for forgiving the man who left him with two steel plates and eight screws in his jaw, McCormick said he was not there yet...Holding his son's helmet by the face mask, Siaumau had swung it against McCormick's left jaw hard enough to render him unconscious and knock him out of one of his shoes.

Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 8:57 PM
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81: parents who run down OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN on the sidelines.

Watch out kids, here comes Mrs. Smith in her SUV and she looks really pissed off this time!


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:03 PM
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As for forgiving the man who left him with two steel plates and eight screws in his jaw, McCormick said he was not there yet.

Speaking of grudges...


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:06 PM
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Anyway, that's nuts. Reminds me of the incident in Albuquerque when I was a kid where a dad who was a dentist sharpened the buckles on his son's football helmet so that they would lacerate his opponents.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:08 PM
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Wow, the whole article is even crazier. Some highlights:

"You try and get over the anger," he said. "But when my jaw pops and clicks, the same emotions come up."
McCormick, 28, told the judge it was the team's fourth loss in a row and many players were distraught. As other players were boarding the team's bus, McCormick noticed Siaumau "screaming" at his son in Samoan. McCormick said he told the teen everything would be all right and they would sort out the losing streak later. "Then everything went black,' McCormick recalled.
Defense attorney Tara Haynes told the judge that her client was swinging the helmet because he wanted to be alone with his son, but that he never meant to hit anyone.
Siaumau, who is apparently the minister of a church, repeatedly invoked the name of "God" during the court hearing. But the judge said at one point: "I don't think God had anything to do with this."

Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:14 PM
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And her dad stands there grinning like a fucking idiot.

Oh for heaven's sake.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:16 PM
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87: But the judge said at one point: "I don't think God had anything to do with this."

Silly judge. God is sovereign. Why only give Him credit for being associated with the non-squalid, non-embarrassing stuff?


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:19 PM
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(At least that's what I would've said as the defendant. Of course I like to think that as a minister in those circumstances, I wouldn't have clocked someone with a helmet in the first place. But maybe he was just standing there, grinning like an idiot. That's understandable.)


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:20 PM
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I'm trying to imagine what it must have been like to be in that courtroom. It must have been quite an experience.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:25 PM
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In other Utah news.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:26 PM
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92: I'm beginning to suspect that teo reads the Salt Lake Tribune regularly. NTTIAWWT.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:31 PM
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93: Indeed.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:33 PM
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92: Lightning hits the Angel Moroni all the time! It doesn't mean anything.


Posted by: Says Joseph Smith, Reassuringly | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:33 PM
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That's actually not very reassuring, Joe.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:35 PM
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84: JP, I meant "run down" in the Southern idiomatic sense, of course. Don't you have arbitrary but fun opinions on regionalisms to pursue somewhere else?

Not that I would be totally surprised, one of these days, if the SUV thing happened.

And, seriously, your perspective on what is Right and Good in relation to kids' sports is helping me get over the frustrated righteous anger I feel at the softball league that refuses to acknowledge that it has a problem when coaches are having tantrums, threatening umps' jobs, and making kids cry. One must speak up when one observes such things, I think, but what can one expect in response other than a group of enablers to circle the wagons of denial against the arrows of truth? This thread is converging with the grudge thread.


Posted by: rm | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:37 PM
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96: Well, fuck you too.


Posted by: Says Joseph Smith, Irritably | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:38 PM
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One must speak up when one observes such things, I think, but what can one expect in response other than a group of enablers to circle the wagons of denial against the arrows of truth?

Time for the scalpings of reasonable intervention.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:40 PM
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Who needs coaches and parents? Pshaw.


Posted by: Kobe | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:43 PM
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97.last: One must speak up when one observes such things, I think, but what can one expect in response other than a group of enablers to circle the wagons of denial against the arrows of truth?

Yes, you either get smashed like a bug, or you find some fellow sufferers and then x years from now you can start a blog comment with, Having spent far, far more time than is right as a kids' sports parent, coach, commissioner, referee, umpire, parent of referees and parent of umpires.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:45 PM
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98: Aw, Joe, let's not hold any grudges or anything.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:48 PM
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Whose name rhymes with "Potlatch Skulls"?


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 9:48 PM
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Preempted by 9, but I wish to argue that to Americans, offside is murder.


Posted by: Econolicious | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:01 PM
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105

God, I so so miss the coach PK had for soccer last spring. He was a coach for the local h.s. girls team, and he and his wife coached *properly*--sure, they worked on technique but mostly they were just really positive and encouraging to each and every kid. PK really enjoyed the team that season.

Every other season he ends up miserable, which fucking sucks. I finally figured out this spring that part of the problem is that the coach we've had twice is frankly an asshole--not in that overt shouting-at-the-kids way, but in a subtle, only-pays-attention-to-negative-behavior way. Which means that his kid and another kid, who are both decent players but spoiled little brats, get attention, and PK gets attention because he's not a good player and also too damn independent-minded by half. (I don't know if it's relevant that PK and the other two kids all happen to be blond white kids, but I wouldn't be surprised.) The kids who are genuinely good *and* know how to be part of a team (often, but not always, Latino kids) get ignored, and the kids (like mine) who need to be "caught being good," as the saying is, get only their shitty behavior paid attention to. It fucking sucks.

Sorry. I've been totally wanting to bitch about this to someone for ages.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:04 PM
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I also have to confess that to my utter shame I am an AWFUL sports parent. I totally try to do the thing of telling PK what he should be doing more of, that he needs to pay more attention, blah fucking blah blah blah. He's articulate enough to tell me to stfu and I really try, but god it is SO HARD.

I am ruining sports for my kid. :(


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:09 PM
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106.2: On the upside, he'll fondly remember the way you ruined sports for him when reminiscing with his friends at Ren Faire. So, you've got that.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:11 PM
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You totally made me laugh so hard I started coughing again, damn you.

(I am actually going to do an "Ask the Mineshaft" question about encouraging kids sports-wise without being a pushy asshole, now that I realize how many people here actually have coached kids.)


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:14 PM
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Sometimes I think b is the only one really doing her part to produce a future Unfogged commenter.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:15 PM
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Yes, I am quite familiar with that aspect. Great in theory (really soccer/football has the best rules by FAR!) but hard in practice for a youth referee when there are adults about.

Sorry, didn't mean to patronise --- just that if you tell young referees that they Have The Power & and are now The Man as far as the game goes, quite often that can be helpful (IM personal E anyway.)


Posted by: Keir | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:19 PM
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Oh for heaven's sake.

Seriously, is there a charitable interpretation I'm missing? Why is his daughter acting like that? Is she a moron? Lazy? Hates sports? Afraid? (a possibility, she's tiny).

Whatever it is, I can't imagine what the hell he's playing at just standing there watching his daughter become an object of resentment from her teammates.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:19 PM
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I used to just stand around when playing sports as a kid. I was daydreaming, mostly.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:21 PM
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113

Also, to quote Superbad, it's soccer.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:21 PM
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114

Although sometimes it produces power mad little Hitlers. Oddly, this tends to happen to people from other clubs way more than to us,


Posted by: Keir | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:23 PM
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112: I was the worst goalie ever. At one point I got distracted and sort of froze, posed like a fishing heron, while the ball rolled right past my foot. Much to the consternation of my teammates.

I was a pretty good striker, though.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:25 PM
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DS was in like Flynn.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:27 PM
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114: Or big ones. There was one couple that reffed in our area who became somewhat fondly* known as the "Nazi refs". But it really is a hard balance to strike.

*"Fondly", because at least you knew what you were getting going in.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:27 PM
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115: I was a pretty good striker, though.

How many Facebook friends did DS score on?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:28 PM
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118: I'm feeling a little vulnerable right now, you bastard.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:35 PM
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Sometimes I think b is the only one really doing her part to produce a future Unfogged commenter.

I do my best worst.

Seriously, is there a charitable interpretation I'm missing?

Well, as the parent of a kid who wants to play but gets way overwrought about anything sporty or physical, I would be *much* better off if I would just stfu when PK is in lala land during a game. I'd go with she lacks any kind of physical confidence (which isn't necessarily fear; maybe it's self-consciousness. She's 12, after all), and either her parents think that playing *some* kind of sport is good for her, or else she really does feel like she likes soccer, but when she gets on the field she freaks out or freezes or whatever and her parents have decided/realized that if they try to "encourage" her it only makes things worse.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:39 PM
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119: Seriously, I don't think anyone here thinks less of you for your prowess. Quite the contrary.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:45 PM
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118 see 116, you bastard.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:55 PM
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How many Facebook friends did Flynn score on?


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:56 PM
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All of them.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 06-15-09 10:59 PM
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115: 112: I was the worst goalie ever.

I, on the other hand, was a fabulous goalie. In either soccer or hockey. Terrible striker. A pretty bad outfielder too, but pretty good at first & third base.

105: and PK gets attention because he's not a good player and also too damn independent-minded by half. (I don't know if it's relevant that PK and the other two kids all happen to be blond white kids, but I wouldn't be surprised.) The kids who are genuinely good *and* know how to be part of a team (often, but not always, Latino kids) get ignored, and the kids (like mine) who need to be "caught being good," as the saying is, get only their shitty behavior paid attention to.
108: (I am actually going to do an "Ask the Mineshaft" question about encouraging kids sports-wise without being a pushy asshole, now that I realize how many people here actually have coached kids.)

This is very PK-specific: find something he's good at and practice him at it. Since he seems to be my little clone and he's very independent-minded, I would suggest you turn him into a goalie, particularly since he is probably not going to be able to match the Latino kids in ball-handling skills without years of practice. (The Latino kids have lots of other kids to practice with; he doesn't.)

Mama could go out back and chalk up a goal rectangle on the back fence (6.5'H x 12'W for his age, apparently), and then mark out what would basically be an imaginary circle six or seven yards in diameter, centered on the goal. Then Mama dresses PK up in a snazzy shirt, some garden gloves and his cleats and he gets to defend. Mama can kick the ball once from anywhere outside the imaginary circle; if it bounces off the fence (or whatever) inside the goal outline, Mama scores (which should make her happy). If it hits anywhere else, or PK blocks it, PK scores. 21 kicks is a game.

This trick should work since PK doesn't have to coordinate with anybody else, and Mama is effectively in total control of the game, so she can adjust to his skill level and keep the outcome in doubt until the end. Try it and see if he likes it; if he doesn't you can try something else, but with either outcome Mama gets some exercise and PK will almost certainly improve his skills, even if he doesn't like being goalie.

max
['Might wanna start with a kickball and not a soccer ball since those have less omph to them.']


Posted by: max | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 12:35 AM
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And Mama will get damn good at spot kicks.


Posted by: Keir | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 12:50 AM
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he is probably not going to be able to match the Latino kids in ball-handling skills without years of practice.

Yeah, this. You either spend hours doing it, or you aren't going to be any good. We probably spent 2 hours a day (and more in summer) playing football. That was the base level.* The kids who were good basically spent every waking moment playing, practicing ball-juggling, just hitting balls off a wall, etc.

* I was always rubbish, although I've been amused by the generation gap a few times when playing with younger kids [my little brother, kids my wife and I have baby-sat for, etc]. Younger kids these days really are kind of pathetic at sports and football in particular. Fat 30-something men who were, by a long stretch, the worst player in their entire peer-group growing up should not be able to run rings round 10 year olds.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 3:50 AM
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You either spend hours doing it, or you aren't going to be any good.

This is the annoying thing about sports as one ages: I don't have time to maintain the motor skills I learned as a youth, or the time to learn new ones for other sports I might want to try. At least, not to level where I find I can really enjoy a sport. I suppose this is why running, cycling, and other tedium become popular as one ages.


Posted by: W. Breeze | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 4:13 AM
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re: 128

I don't know. I think it depends on the base level that's out there. I came to my current chosen sport only about 4 or 5 years ago and I don't really think coming to it late has been any handicap. It probably would be if it was a sport that everyone had spent hours practicing since they were little kids, but it isn't.

Probably helps that I'm not competitive, either. I want to be good, relative to some standard of skill level that I'm measuring independently of winning, rather than be a winner.

But yeah, things like football, or tennis or whatever which are skill sports with mass participation from early childhood, if you come to them late you are always going to be rubbish, relatively speaking.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 4:55 AM
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Seriously, is there a charitable interpretation I'm missing? Why is his daughter acting like that? Is she a moron? Lazy? Hates sports? Afraid? (a possibility, she's tiny).

Whatever it is, I can't imagine what the hell he's playing at just standing there watching his daughter become an object of resentment from her teammates.

I imagine he's playing at letting her be an independent entity but what do I know? 120 sounds about right to me. When it's a problem that she's not more in the game, the coach can tell her she needs to move it or put her on the bench. Why should her own parent yell at her in public, and what makes you think it would help, anyway?

I think you sound like a real jerk when you get peeved about this and wonder if she's a moron. That's her peers' job.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 5:21 AM
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Once again I forgot that paragraphs must be individually italicized. Alas.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 5:21 AM
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I recently tried playing softball for fun after a more than 20 year hiatus, and I sucked then. I was slightly better at fieldd hockey than at soccer. I don't particularly like softball, but I have a lot of friends who play, and I want to be a bit social and this isn't a super competitive league.

I still suck, and it's because I have no motor skills which I hate. Fine motor skills aren't really involved, but I happen to have almost none of those. (My right hand falls in the bottom 1% for right hand dominant types, the left makes it all the way up to the bottom 17%).

After a while spent batting or doing certain types of activities I start to get sort of dizzy maybe because my binocular vision isn't great. My left eye is strongly dominant.) After a while I get this fuzzy ache in the front of the right side of my head. It totally sucks. Sometimes motrin will help, but it doesn't usually mean that I have low blood sugar. But sometimes for a couple of hours I won't want to interact with the physical world at all and just sort of daydream--which is a problem when you have to navigate the subway or Boston traffic as a pedestrian.

It totally sucks. My PCP just tells me that I need to stay hydrated, because I'm subject to orthostatic hypotension and to make sure that I eat enough. The neuropsych people thought I had NLD, but I looked at stuff from the leading expert on that, and I think they were stretching it. In any case, they focus mostly on teaching people really basic social skills and helping kids and accomodating their disabilities. I would like to find drugs or exercises to minimize the problem. And I would also like to know why, because it fucking sucks.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 6:37 AM
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Sounds like what you need are bionics.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 7:22 AM
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83: Heh. I'm reminded of how dangerous village cricket was in Samoa. Worse than rugby, because if a fight started, people were already holding clubs.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 7:48 AM
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132: I have no idea why but... does practice help? Tie a ball on a string, tie the string to a branch, wack the ball 100 times. Repeat.

(Blame your parents for not inculcating gross motor skills when you were a child.)


Posted by: W. Breeze | Link to this comment | 06-16-09 8:36 AM
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