Re: Jesus really loves you.

1

A boner not given to another is self, no?


Posted by: yoyo | Link to this comment | 04-17-10 9:42 PM
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2

selfISH


Posted by: yoyo | Link to this comment | 04-17-10 9:44 PM
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Welp, I happen to have another version of that icon sitting in my window. And I can see where a bit of change of emphasis could make it look like a dick. So I can see how people are a little weirded out. That said, this is also a story apparently running for the purpose of suggesting things to people, such that they see things that weren't there before. That is, it sounds like someone is trolling for however many little fishies they can find. At any rate, this sort of thing is in the eye of the beholder; if enough parishioners see a dick, they see a dick and some creative (but simple and quick) airbrushing is in order.

m, right? right.


Posted by: max | Link to this comment | 04-17-10 9:52 PM
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4

I'm Jammies? Oh no! I can't afford a child!


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 04-17-10 9:53 PM
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5

Man, Jdude swinging some serious pipe.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 04-17-10 9:53 PM
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6

I happen to have another version of that icon sitting in my window

I didn't take you for the religious type, max.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-17-10 10:06 PM
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7

I'm impressed with Jesus' ability to maintain an erection while simultaneously bleeding from his hands.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 04-17-10 10:20 PM
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8

7: easy as pie, man. Give it a shot sometime.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-17-10 10:24 PM
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6: I didn't take you for the religious type, max.

And you would have been correct, until you weren't.

m, oh well


Posted by: max | Link to this comment | 04-17-10 10:27 PM
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10

9: I find that opaque.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-17-10 10:46 PM
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The sex and Jesus connection reminds me of Holstein: the greatest undergrad class I ever took (http://www.uiowa.edu/~c032003/se.htm).

OT: Kick Ass lives up to its name (and the comic). A sample of the dialog, from an 11-year-old girl who steals the show: Guy: How do I get a hold of you?
Hit-Girl: You just contact the mayor's office. He has a special signal that shines in the sky - it's in the shape of a giant cock.

Take that, Batman! (she's being sarcastic).


Posted by: GMcGrumps | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 2:32 AM
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Here's a full-size picture. It's absolutely amazing to me that some people don't immediately see a gigantic cock. Perhaps people who have seen lots of crucifixes in a similar style would be less disposed to see it. But I'm not catholic.


Posted by: pdf23ds | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:11 AM
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Oh, that reminds me. I found, outside my apartment, a rock shaped *very much* like a cock and balls, and exactly the size of an actual (fairly modest) member. The glans is almost perfectly formed. It's pretty hilarious. I should take a picture for you guys.


Posted by: pdf23ds | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:17 AM
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7: "Cry, cry, masturbate cry" would be the canonical response, no?


Posted by: Awl | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:23 AM
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Sifu and I passed an icon store on the way home last night where we observed more Jesuses with curiously suggestive abs. The ones we saw in the window, like the San Damiano Crucifix the Oklahoma one is ostensibly based on, do take a teeny bit more imagination to see a cock and balls. But not much.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 5:42 AM
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I find it sad to notice that 51% of people at the link are offended by the image, and to contemplate that 99% of those are offended because they see an imaginary set of genitals rather than because they see a kitschy devotional picture of a guy being tortured to death.


Posted by: OFE | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 5:53 AM
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7: "Cry, cry, masturbate cry" would be the canonical response, no?
s/b "die, die, masturbate, die"


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 5:57 AM
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Shouldn't Catholics be less worried about optical illusion dicks and more worried about pedophile priests? But that is a huge member. Wow. Way to go JC.


Posted by: tonks | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 6:39 AM
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19

"Hey kids, want to see my abs?"


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 6:54 AM
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20

"No, it's really okay--punch me!"


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 7:05 AM
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21

Can't nobody rock me like Jesus can!


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 7:30 AM
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22

He's got the whooole world
In His pants
He's got the whole wide world
In His pants


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 7:43 AM
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I am always a little surprised that when these things happen (see Little Mermaid video cover) that the *artist* did not see it given that they are generally visually-oriented folks. But I guess you only see what you want to see. It's probably worth running anything going public past a couple of random folks who don't know what they are supposed to be looking at.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 8:05 AM
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113: We have found a perfect Cyrano profile burned into a potato chip . We also found one folded into replica labia.

Unfortunatly, before we could start a cult and make some money from these, the cats ate them.


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 10:05 AM
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25

OFE at 16 gets it exactly right.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 10:06 AM
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26

Maybe this is what George Herbert was talking about.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 10:12 AM
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27

"die, die, masturbate, die"

It would be a bit tricky to masturbate with your hands nailed to a cross, wouldn't it? Maybe not if you're the son of God, I guess.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 10:13 AM
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28

But I guess you only see what you want to see. It's probably worth running anything going public past a couple of random folks who don't know what they are supposed to be looking at.

The problem is that Jesus on the crucifix, with distended abdomen looking like a giant wang, is a traditional artistic motif, as seen in many images here. The artist's response to "That looks like a giant wang" would be a resigned "Yes, perhaps, but in the days of yore people were willing to ignore such objections and realize what it really is."

It looks like Susan Wagner Designs managed to make one that doesn't look like a wang, while still maintaining the theme.

I find it sad to notice that 51% of people at the link are offended by the image, and to contemplate that 99% of those are offended because they see an imaginary set of genitals rather than because they see a kitschy devotional picture of a guy being tortured to death.

How noble.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 10:16 AM
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FWIW, when I first looked at the picture, I spent several minutes looking at the two yellow strings (fringe? whatever it is) hanging down the middle of his loincloth, thinking that was the basis for the complaints. I had nearly solidified my opinion that people really were just being too sensitive when I noticed, whoa, there's a giant cock running up his stomach (and up the better part of his chest).

I'm not sure how long it would have taken me to spot that (if ever), if I hadn't been searching for it. On first glance, the image struck me as completely ordinary.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 10:25 AM
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30

Once upon a time a piece of the divine wang was something to be revered as the last bit of God's flesh left on Earth.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 10:28 AM
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31

I'm waiting for Sifu to find the website(s) with pictures of Jesus having sex with cars. "Jesus F&*Ked My Hotrod."


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 10:45 AM
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32

I had the same experience as 29. I don't think I would have noticed if I wasn't primed.


Posted by: Criminally Bulgur | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 11:03 AM
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33

30: Jesus had, like, 30 goddamn foreskins.


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 11:09 AM
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34

I shudder to imagine what future generations of blog commenters procrastinators learned disputants will make of our habit of looking for the Redeemer's wang.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 11:39 AM
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35

||

Via Molly,

|>


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 12:01 PM
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36

Let's try that again

Via Molly, a bad typo in a cookbook.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 12:02 PM
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28.1: with distended abdomen looking like a giant wang, is a traditional artistic motif, as seen in many images here.

Sure, but maybe they should ask, "On scale from 1 to 10?".

27: It would be a bit tricky to masturbate with your hands nailed to a cross, wouldn't it?

Probably.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 12:20 PM
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38

27 also immediately stuck me with the image of him pogoing over to a nearby crucifixee for a helping thigh.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 12:40 PM
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39

38: Okay, now that's gross.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 1:05 PM
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40

The link in 36 is from m. leblanc on twitter.


Posted by: Molly | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:00 PM
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41

I clicked through to the image, and it looked exactly like a huge cock to me. But I was primed by seeing the story first. So I showed it to Buck without telling him the story, and asked if there was anything odd about it. "You mean the huge cock?" That's two votes for "huge cock."


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:32 PM
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42

That's two votes for "huge cock."

LB: objectively pro-huge-cock.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:34 PM
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43

Who isn't?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:39 PM
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44

Well, somebody made this shirt.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:44 PM
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45

Crap. That link was supposed to go here.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:45 PM
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46

44/45: The first link proves your point rather better than the second one, I'd think.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:49 PM
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47

Huge cock. Also.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:50 PM
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48

I'll bet if Mrs. Landers wore that to your work event, nobody would even notice her nose ring.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:51 PM
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49

Maybe it would work better if it said "I <3 small studs".


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:57 PM
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50

Dan Brown had better get on this. Clearly the original icon painter snuck a giant wang into his composition as an esoteric reference to Jesus' status as the patriarch of a bloodline.


Posted by: DS | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 3:57 PM
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51

I'll bet if Mrs. Landers wore that to your work event, nobody would even notice her nose ring.

It's a good idea, but I doubt I could get her to wear one. But I suppose I could order one to wear myself.



Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 4:17 PM
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52

Won't eat a KFC Double Down, won't wear a I ♥ SMALL COCKS t-shirt. How many strikes does she get?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 4:21 PM
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53

But she left him frozen breast milk in the apartment, so one to the good.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 4:23 PM
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54

44: It is possible to love both small cocks and big cocks.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 4:42 PM
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55

Here's my cock rock. 100% genuine, AFAIK.


Posted by: pdf23ds | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 4:43 PM
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56

My stony cock, rather.


Posted by: pdf23ds | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 4:44 PM
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57

Wow. My cock is a thread stopper. I knew it was impressive, but I didn't think it would leave you guys speechless.


Posted by: pdf23ds | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 5:16 PM
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58

Update: crucifix to be modified, Jesus cock-blocked.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 5:22 PM
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59

58: Maybe she'll give Jesus a Prince Albert.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 5:25 PM
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It is possible to love both small cocks and big cocks

And with the right open-minded friends, you can do both at the same time.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 5:25 PM
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I was really stopped by the link in 45, to a dog t-shirt. What? A dog t-shirt? The dog does not want to be wearing a shirt, silly human.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 6:35 PM
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I would advise against searching Wikipedia for "Prince Albert" if you've got kids around.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 6:48 PM
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I think the only grounds a Biblical literalist has to complain on is that Jesus' cock is on his abdomen rather than in his groin. That a crucified Jesus shows his penis is not particularly non-literal--he almost certainly would have been up there naked. As more than a few artists in the history of Christianity have noted.

On the other hand. That rock? Well. It's more a sign of something than Jesus' face supposedly appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich or whatever.


Posted by: Timothy Burke | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 7:01 PM
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64

Indeed.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 7:02 PM
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64: Access denied! Pornography/adult content.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 7:03 PM
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Of course, the real scandal with this depiction of the crucifixion is that Jesus appears to be wearing tummy-taming shapewear. That's a real departure from the tradition of Catholic iconography. And everybody knows that Jesus was rail-thin from all of that wandering in the wilderness: he didn't need Spanx.


Posted by: Mary Catherine | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 7:45 PM
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67

This controversy brings new insight to the "Why do all women love Jesus?" joke, hetero-normative though that joke be.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 8:08 PM
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Now that I think about it, if she did give him a Prince Albert, they could hang the censer from it, which would be kind of cool.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 8:13 PM
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The first necessity is to admit a long-suppressed matter of fact: that Renaissance art, both north and south of the Alps, produced a large body of devotional images in which the genitalia of the Christ Child, or of the dead Christ, receive such demonstrative emphasis that one must recognize an ostentation genitalia comparable to the canonic ostentation vulnerum, the showing forth of the wounds!


Posted by: Opinionated Leo Steinberg | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 8:34 PM
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JesusDavid had, like, 30200 goddamn foreskins.

Stupid question: is the distension in the traditional depictions linked about supposed to be outward (as from deficiency diseases) or inward (representing starvation)?


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 11:18 PM
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About s/b above.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 04-18-10 11:18 PM
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70 - I think it's due to the stress on your body from being crucified. He looks quite comfy in that icon, with his arms bent, but I think in reality his arms would have been stretched tight (otherwise his body would be sagging down). And that pulls all the muscles in the chest and abdomen.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 04-19-10 12:55 AM
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Well, there's synchronicity. Only last night I downloaded this -

http://www.amazon.fr/Mon-FestOf-Francky-Vincent/dp/B002A32HW4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1271680718&sr=1-1


Posted by: dave heasman | Link to this comment | 04-19-10 6:30 AM
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I want to thank the commenters here for keeping me from enjoying my dinner. I was cooking monkfish for the first time and had to ease the slimy membrane off (don't know if this is mandatory, but I felt I should do it) before chopping into medallions and all I could think of was Christcock. There went my appetite.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 04-19-10 7:09 PM
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The "penis" extends for a little less than one fifth of the length of the Jesus figure. If you assume that Jesus was about 5'10" (or 70"), then the erect phallus is about 12-14" long, proportionally. That seems right on the margins of possible human cock length, but totally doable, and almost mandatory, if you are indeed God.


Posted by: Silversatrapi | Link to this comment | 04-20-10 12:24 PM
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