There was a young fool name of Stanley
Who when asked thought it perfectly manly
To drink an iced latte
Which is actually naughty
So don't be like silly old Stanley
There once was a fellow called God,
Whom everyone thought rather odd,
Except for one lady
Named Rosie O'Grady
Who worshiped the ground that he trod.
I can't recall who wrote that, and the Internets appear ignorant of it.
In a Dairy Queen commercial, they were advertising for their Moo-Lattes. Is that supposed to sound as much like mulatto as it does to my ears?
Off to buy some Glad Limerick Plug-in.
iced latte
Oh, hells no. This was an iced Mud Cup (known elsewhere as a Red Eye or a Depth Charge): a shot or two of (in my case, hot) espresso, the rest filled up with (cold-brewed) coffee, topped off with skim.
The limerick's an art form complex
Whose contents run chiefly to sex
It's famous for virgins
And masculine urgin's
And vulgar erotic effects.
There was an old man from Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Converting his snore,
From a thunderous roar,
To a soft oleaginous mutta.
3: I have wondered the same thing.
For the longest time, the only version of the Old Man from Nantucket I knew was the clean one, making me very confused by references to it in popular culture.
8: There's a clean one? I needed it earlier, dammit! Blind spot.
Is that supposed to sound as much like mulatto as it does to my ears
Is it coffee colored? Add another splash of milk and get quadroon, even more milk for an octoroon. Very descriptive, I'd say.
There was an old man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
His daughter named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Thanks heebie. I suppose telling the soda jerk why I need extra milk just to make outdated racial commentary would be unappreciated. Them's the breaks.
And then there are sequels!
But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset,
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.
11, that's paler even than this or this.
I had never heard 12 before.
There once was a Persian-- er, Mexican
Who worried he'd never have sex again.
Something and something Ogged
Something something Unfogged
Something something something else his next of kin.
I'm not very good at this.
There was a young man from Calcutta
afflicted at times with a stutter
he said "p-p-please
would you pass me the cheese
and the b-b-b-b-b-b-butter"
(via)
Prediction: Dairy Queen will soon bring to market a Scientology-themed pizza treat. MESTizza!
3: Timothy Noah covered this in a ground-breaking series in Slate in 2004!
http://www.slate.com/id/2103845
19: heebie didn't discover the internet until 2005.
I was imagining rather than an inherently clean Nantucket variant, a bowlderized one, which might be tough.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose pick was so long he could tuck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his uh...Schwinn
If my bear were a runt I could pluck it.
That doesn't quite make sense. Fuck it.
I haven't felt so gauche since the great hippie-pizza-versus-SWPL-pizza debate of aught eight--why is an iced latte an offense to decency? Is that one of those foam drinks so it can't be iced, or am I confused again?
Ooh, that's hard. Let me try.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose beard was so long he could tuck it,
In his shirt, 'neath his chin,
And he said with a grin,
"I won't shave, depilate it, or pluck it."
Entirely unfunny, but clean.
I'm still quite proud of the series of limericks I wrote mocking Ogged (and still remember the one I didn't post, because I didn't want to actually be rude). Trashtalking is obviously my true muse.
still remember the one I didn't post, because I didn't want to actually be rude
Tease.
There was an old man from Nantucket
For a latte, he used a straw to suck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"I wish this stuff came in a bucket."
Hilarious.
I didn't want to actually be rude
Yeah, we don't allow that here.
27: And it don't matter if you put a couple extra syllables into a line....
I wonder if I'm ever going to commit to memory the difference between Jim and Tom Lehrer.
Has anyone ever seen them in the same room?
I wish I were writing my thesis
About pornographic mimesis
But I have to submit
Some late paperwork shit
Or a student will tear me to pieces
Now Stanley, I'm sure you're not shame-proof
But don't feel bad about your cafe goof.
As for your other blind spot,
I assume that you'll mind not
If I introduce you to My Milk Toof.
In a Dairy Queen commercial, they were advertising for their Moo-Lattes
The tag line for DQ commercials here is, "That's what I like about Texas." I'm guessing they use something else in, say, Connecticut.
5 would win the thread even if the competition weren't so weak. Um, good try, though, everybody!
33:
What's mimesis without some alterity?
Is it simply a crass solidarity?
Though many have tried,
To leave différance aside,
It's not a quick road to prosperity.
Lear's limericks do not suit my nieces
Although such wordplay usually pleases
When they read them they cry
That they cannot descry
Any usage of tm-fucking-esis
To differentiate Tom from Jim Lehrer,
This rhyme should help make things clearer:
Tom sings at great rates
And Jim chairs debates.
Now Stan can tell Lehrer from Lehrer.
The people at Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me have an uncanny ability to find people who don't get how limericks work. I'd have figured that such people would be vanishingly rare in the set of people who can handle speaking English and using the telephone, but they just keep turning up on that show.
||
Hey, are any of you Fine Cooking subscribers? And have you gotten the August/September issue yet? If so, I'm told you should look at the last page.
|>
I dedicate my entry to bob mcmanus.
Though elected with much moral clarity,
Obama now lacks the temerity.
The President sucks
if he won't spend the bucks.
It's bed-shitting fiscal austerity.
I just keep grinning like an idiot at the thought of Stanley, on hearing that someone is bored, suggesting - in my mind, in an excessively chirpy tone - that she write some limericks! Of course! It's obvious!
Stanley, just ask the barista out for a beer or something. There's no need for limericks. You're in a band.
OT bleg, particularly for Blandings or Oudemia:
Say I wanted to buy a case of wine, vintage 2009, for someone to keep on behalf of their kid until their 21st birthday? Money is not no object, but obviously the wine would have to be pretty good. Any suggestions?
Don't bother. All wine tastes bad. You should get that kid a beehive instead. If it swarms every year, by her 21st birthday, she could have hundreds of hives and thousands of pounds of honey that year.
45: You could do like we did and get Boone's Farm on our 16th birthday.
I am trying to ignore the fact that this blog has been taken over by apologists for the stinging insects that plagued my childhood. I just want to talk about wine and, possibly, dysfunctional sex lives.
Is the idea that the kid was born last year, so the wine will be in the cellar for at least the next 20 years?
48: You know who have dysfunctional sex lives? Bees.
51: Seriously. They have so much sex that eventually they have hives.
I like to invite the bees into my bedroom to watch me have sex. Then, I smear honey on his back and...
You know who have dysfunctional sex lives? Bees
The hell you say!
53: The guy is supposed to swell-up, right?
The people at Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me have an uncanny ability to find people who don't get how limericks work. I'd have figured that such people would be vanishingly rare
::raises hand::
I have honestly tried, many times. I just don't get it. It's like watching comedy in a foreign language. I can tell the standouts, but I can't tell why they're standouts, and I can't truly appreciate them, much less replicate them.
Halford: since the vast majority of wines aren't made to last anywhere near that long, that makes your job easier. Blandings and oudemia are more conversant than I am with specific wines these days (because I usually drink my own, which is apparently featured on the back page of, ahem, the most recent issue of Fine Cooking), but generally I'd look to the better Bordeaux for 20+ years' reliable aging. The '09 vintage is supposed to be fantastic, and since they haven't been released yet, you could buy futures and probably score some great wines at a reasonable price.
That is, that's what I'd first look to. There are plenty of others—Barolos, Rhones, lots of Burgundies, some new-world versions of all of those—but I was going for the easy answer.
because I usually drink my own, which is apparently featured on the back page of, ahem, the most recent issue of Fine Cooking
It is! I just checked. Gar/agist/e indeed.
48: Few things pair as well as wine and dysfuntional sex.
Fine Cooking
I've cooked some pretty horrible stuff, but I've never gotten a fine before.
60: Really? Huh. I had no idea what they were going to do. What does it say, in short?
The bustard's an exquisite fowl,
With minimal reason to growl;
He escapes what would be
Illegitimacy
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
I actually remembered this one whole, but it's cited to George Vaill here. (The sample from Oliver Wendell Holmes is also nice.)
If someone makes wine and someone else makes honey, all we need is a a diary farmer and we've got pretty much everything drinkable in the Bible.
We used to do 6 in camp as a song.
It went like this.
I have clearly read Way Too Many Oxbridge novels, but really, a case of wine? Aren't we supposed to put down a pipe of it?
63: It's an interview with Matt Gira/ud, so it's basically them asking him a series of questions. Here is my shorthand version of it:
Where do you make your wine?
In the basement.
How does that work?
Lots of help. 20 families. Group driveway grape crushing.
How much wine do you make?
150 cases of different varieties, named after what you might find in a French garage.
What's a garagi/ste?
Discussion of the French movement.
But you're not actually in the garage, are you? Ehhhhhh.
How does your wife feel?
Ehhhhh.
Advantages to living with your wine?
You can tell when something goes wrong quickly.
Ever made really bad wine?
Yes, and we use it as a cleaning product.
Do you sell your wine?
No, it's CSA style.
Why do it?
For the camaraderie.
(Sorry this is such a long post!)
Welcome. I obviously just sort of summarized things. I'd be happy to mail you the page, if you wanted a keepsake without having to buy the magazine.
How does your wife feel?
Dude, that's kind of a personal question.
That'd be great, thanks. If it's easier to scan and email it, that'd be fine.
At this point, it'd actually be easier to mail it, as the computer that my printer/scanner will work with is out of commission. Linked email address works, or you can pretty easily find me on Facebook.
45: I'd think 25th birthday if you don't want it all drunk up after 3 am during some random party or mixed into sangria.
I agree that Bordeaux are good long-term agers, but they had already been cranking the pricing up to absurd levels the last few years, and Parker's calling 2009 one of the great vintages ever means value for money will be terrible. If you decide to do it anyway you should wait; given the initial hype and the en primeur pricing, I can't believe you'll pay more on release (& may well pay less) and you won't have to tie your money up and take credit risk on a retailer.
I'd consider going with Piedmont, and did for my son who was born in 2004. Barolo had an excellent 2009, and the good wines can easily last and improve for 30-40 years. Recommended Barolos: Giacomo Conterno "Cascina Francia", Bartolo Mascarello, Giuseppe Mascarello "Monprivato". A bit cheaper, though still of very high quality, are Cavollotto "Briccho Boschis" and Roagna "Vigna Rionda". These will likely be for sale in 2012 or 2013.
Burgundy can be great, but it's a bit more of a minefield unless money is in fact no object.
The wild card, probably the cheapest source of world-class wines for aging, is Germany, which also had an amazing 2009, but sadly not everyone would view a case of off-dry riesling as quite as impressive as the other options.
Finally, I'm assuming they have good climate-controlled storage available? There's no point giving wine that can age for 30+ years if it's just going to sit in the kitchen and be over the hill in 10.
Archived limericks, with extra linebreaks.
Thanks, that's awesome. Seriously. Can you buy futures as easily for the Barolos? And where?
They do have a wine storage facility; I was also thinking of paying for a wine locker, which is surprisingly cheap (I guess this was an expense a lot of folks gave up in 2008-2009). It's for my godson; alternative gifts would be a cheezy embossed bible or a book of common prayer, so this seems much more badass.
And just to be clear, the reason for getting the futures would be a plausible commitment to "I'm getting you this gift now and money has been laid down" (AKA reasonably close to baptism) rather than just "I'm planning to buy you expensive wine in the future."
The wild card, probably the cheapest source of world-class wines for aging, is Germany, which also had an amazing 2009, but sadly not everyone would view a case of off-dry riesling as quite as impressive as the other options.
We were just discussing this. First off: why can't you get dry German wines in the US? So good! Second off: what about Alsatian wines? Third off: you know what's really good? Schwarzriesling.
76, 77: Bordeaux is really the only region for which futures are sold. The 2009s from Germany, because they don't spend years in barrel, will arrive this year and early next year, if that helps.
Can you buy futures on onions from Bordeaux?
Can you buy futures on movies about onions from Bordeaux?
If the movies futures market gets operational, I'm expecting it to pay for a lot of wine. Not as an investment (it's a terrible investment, and terrible for the industry) but as a source of constant ongoing litigation.
but as a source of constant ongoing litigation
Can't you just rely on liquor, like the divorce lawyers.
78: You can get dry German wines in the US. At least I can, anyway. I just figured the 25-year case should perhaps be Spätlese or Auslese.
What about Alsatian wines?
What about Alsatian wines?
Well, right.
43: And I'm grinning that only asilon noted (and then only on comment 43) the fundamental wackiness of the whole situation. The rest of us jumped right in, "Limericks needed on aisle 3!"
87: My roommate also noted it, when I told him about it. He was all, "You suggested she do what?!"
While the white bear is writing her thesis,
I'll coöpt this thread (Look! Diaresis!)
If only to opine
That I don't know from wine
[Enter Blandings hot upon McQueen, Jesus'
...heels!] What, you thought I was slashing
Herr McQueen and the, granted, quite dashing
Mr. B? I would never!
Though I s'pose I persever-
ate somewhat, from neB's thread rehashing
Erm. Maybe that's where that should stop, though rehashing was meant to be transitive and lead into another awful limerick. About fanfic. Which rhymes with limerick but doesn't match up metrically very well. Apologies to the two victims.
||
Which is worse in a two-sentence email: italicizing "liaison" or misspelling it?
|>
I think you've told us before, but what's a good, dry Riesling available in the US? It's the one white wine I truly adore, but nearly everything I've found here has been disappointing.
91:
Who italicizes liaison
Owes at least a quick kyrie eleison
From New York to Berlin
It's a Cardinal Sin
And I don't mean the cleric from Quezon
There once was a man, very bland,
Whose limericks when made off hand,
Made no improprieties,
Did not challenge pieties,
And used twice the bland word bland.
There once was a poet, so dull,
That when composing she'd sit and mull,
"If I say 'hard as tundra'"
is that double entendre?"
Her sense of rhyme and meter were also extremely poor.
we've got pretty much everything drinkable in the Bible
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK
45. Traditionally, what you lay down at birth for a 21st birthday is Port, the better kind of which is actually intended to age for that sort of time.
Fonseca is a reliable bet.
Why dry rieslings? because phenomenal ... there is a wine merchants in Cambridge which a couple of years ago had affordable bottles of old mosel(le) wines. I didn't buy nearly enough. It has to be said that by 20 years old they were no longer as good as at 15
I haven't felt so gauche since the great hippie-pizza-versus-SWPL-pizza debate of aught eight--why is an iced latte an offense to decency?
Because it's cold and coffee flavoured. Those things do not go together. Iced coffee - wrong. Coffee ice cream - wrong. Hot coffee- right!
There's a wonderful family called Stein,
There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein.
Gert's poems are bunk,
Ep's statues are junk,
And no one can understand Ein.
104: I'm not sure I've ever before encountered outright opposition to all cold coffee. Preferences, sure: like I mentioned in the OP, hot shots vs. cold, and that sort of thing.
Also, to the extent you can convince me to eat ice cream, it best damn well be some sort of coffee iteration.
As ever, the gusty bus and all that.
91: Which is worse in a two-sentence email: italicizing "liaison" or misspelling it?
Using it as a verb.
109: Sue Myrick is dumber than a sack of hammers, and yet still places a distant second to Virginia Foxx in the race for dumbest NC representative.
Sue Myrick is dumber than a sack of hammers
This is the bit that would worry me:
Myrick is the ranking member of the House Intelligence Subcommittee on Intelligence Community Management, and would become the chairwoman if Republicans take back the House of Representatives in the midterm elections.
108:
"Liaison", when used as a verb
Has the cap-ac-it-y to disturb
Suggest to your date
"Let's liaison till late"
And you'll prob-ly get kicked to the curb
Ded.: Academie de la Carpette anglaise, and #98
To liason this, to limerick that,
to wear a pot as a top-hat,
to basically bee
ungrammatically
a verbally scofflawful Rorschach:
But beware the grammerwonk, my son
(the rules that bite! the nose that run!)
and query a liaison
with no pants on
or you'll never have any fun.
I think the iced Americano tastes a lot better than the hot Americano. That's what I usually have.
Ded.: Academie de la Carpette anglaise, and #98
To liaison this, to limerick that,
to wear a pot as a top-hat,
to basically bee
ungrammatically
a verbally scofflawful Rorschach:
But beware the grammerwonk, my son
(the rules that bite! the nose that run!)
and query a liaison
with no pants on
or you'll never have any fun.
114: It's weird. I'm just not partial to this particular place's cold-brewed espresso shots, even though their regular cold-brewed coffee (which is great) comes from the same beans and is just a different combination of 15- and 45-minute brew times or some such. I'm willing to blame the gusty bus.
