I was told an empty gatorade bottle was standard emergency equipment for males in group houses with only one bathroom and low fenced backyards. Not true?
Another male friend reserved a neon green nalgene bottle (back when they were standard issue, non-controversial equipment) for his backpacking-pee bottle; back in civilization a good way to gross him out was to ostentatiously drink from your own neon green nalgene bottle.
Mountain Laurel doesn't grow so well in Virginia?
I had a roommate who would regularly pee in 2 liter mountain dew bottles out of laziness. He was terrible about cleaning. Also, he hated drinking flat soda. His room was littered at all times with a dozen or more 2 liter mountain dew bottles half-full of yellow liquid. You'd be hanging out and he'd grab one and take a big swig and you'd be think "but how do you know?"
I'm really hoping all this grad school is going to get me a job that pays well enough that I can afford to live alone.
7: The sink with the water running is less gross to me than saving it in a jar.
A woman who lived on my floor freshman year of college had . . . issues that prevented her from ever using the (public) bathroom. So, she never, ever showered and saved all her effluvia in jars in her room. This was all discovered at the start of the second semester when she'd been assigned a roommate.
I think Stanley's strange reluctance to enter into the bathroom can only be explained by deeply repressed homosexual desire. That is, desire for the Housemate. Liberate youself, my friend. It gets better.
I think Stanley's strange reluctance to enter into the bathroom can only be explained by deeply repressed homosexual desire. That is, desire for the Housemate. Liberate youself, my friend. It gets better.
What makes you think the Housemate is male, Halford?
That double posting was intentional. I felt that my comment was just that important.
Also, I frankly don't know whether or not it gets better. Seems unlikely in some cases.
I have two housemates, one male and one female, and I have no idea who was in the shower, Sigmund.
To 11, I assume Stanley is a gentleman of proper upbringing, and would not live with female housemates. Unless, of course, he is pretending to be gay in order to save rent, in which case he falls under exception 47(c) to the Gentlemen's Code, the "Tripper Rule."
Was one of the housemates born on a Tuesday? You could figure it out that way.
teo, I begin to believe that grad school is how the US sops up what would otherwise be leisure: it is not actually related, nor meant to be, to our utility or income. In short, it might not get better. (Bitter, though.)
8: That is awesomely pathological. What was the outcome of this discovery?
The sink with the water running is less gross to me than saving it in a jar.
Just one big piss jar is gross, sure. But a labeled, sorted archive of jars is just good policy.
17: She was put under some heavy duty monitoring, with mandatory visits to the school shrink. Also one of the RAs became her shower buddy and would knock on her door every other evening to accompany her down the hall. She was perfectly sweet, if you could get a word out of her, but really, truly pathologically shy. One hopes pharmas are helping her a lot these days (no idea -- she left after that first year).
I once had six roommates and all of us used snuff. The one house rule that was enforced was that you had to break open the top of any can you were going to spit in.
The sink with the water running is less gross to me than saving it in a jar.
Is not. Even Stanley in his groggy confusion and alarm knew that!
The combination of a neighbor taking down his hedge, some other landscaping changes and the deer eating bare the bottom five feet of a hemlock screen has left me with no safe place to pee in my yard except very late at night. This makes me grumpy.
I'll just go and tuck it right under here
You don't say.
I just witnessed a pretty spectacular solo auto wreck. Guy drifts off the road in front of me, careens down a little hill, through the ditch filled with giant rocks, and is stopped from crashing through the side of an apartment building by smashing into the electrical box outside it. This caused the transformer on the electrical pole by the street to explode in a giant shower of sparks and several apartment buildings to go dark.
The guy was uninjured, as far as I could tell, but obviously inebriated.
8.2: I am also grumpy that I can't find my copy of Barth's The Floating Opera to quote the relevant part on 129 pickle jars filled with ordure.
23: inebriated, yes, but with a fine sense for drama.
23 & 26: Maybe he was drinking Sparks and got inspired.
The special effects were indeed impressive.
Stanley, couldn't you just go in the dirt corner of your basement?
29: I guess that wouldn't have been a terrible solution had I thought of it. The cats peed there for months before we noticed how truly terrible it smelled. Thing is, it's kind of hard to get to that part of the basement if you're not a cat.
You don't need to get all the way there to pee there.
Oh, I get the post title now. Heh.
If I were a man I'd pee in the sink all the time. I'm not being funny. I'm not even proud of it. It's just undeniably true.
For a while after moving I had only the one knife unpacked, and so, to make sure I could always locate The Knife, when I was done with it I would just stab it upright into a handy surface, usually my table.
I am...fairly barbaric.
Ladies...
Ok, 33 now seems like a lame example of my barbarism. But my house was like the Fight Club house, I promise. My only motivation to be even remotely tidy is a) shame, and b) guilt, and those only happen when I live with other people.
||
I certainly haven't refrained much from complaining on my own blog, but I've refrained from bitching about Jammies' damn company because he's under a bunch of stress and can't do anything about it, so it's not very helpful for him to read me being fed up as well. But he generally doesn't make it very far into these comment threads.
But holy fuck, I'm so exhausted. He's out of town this week, so I'm single-parenting, and 9 months pregnant, and holy fucking crap. Every stupid little thing makes me exhausted and boiling. Plus they had to do a ton of work at his job last week to prepare for this trip, so aside from my own conference, it feels like I've been single-parenting for a week already. GET HOME ALREADY, DEAR.
Ok, back to grading and cooking before all these goddamn ingredients we stupidly bought go bad.
|>
Toss the ingredients and get some food that is pre-made.
I should have, really. I'm pretty much done and I'm just going to dump it in tupperware because I keep filling up on the parts of things that Hawaiian Punch doesn't finish and snacking on ingredients. So there's two whole meals in the fridge waiting for Godot.
35: Perhaps this NY Mag article titled "The Ten Most Ridiculous-Sounding Math Classes Currently Offered at Liberal-Arts Colleges" will help you de-stress. I mean really, topology?
38: oh. my. god.
That's some kind of weird double-reverse satire, yeah?
Oh my fucking god.
This last line from that article:
This is why Asia is winning, by the way.
is true, but it refers to the stupidity of the author.
Okay, one through four sorta-kinda plausibly fit the thesis they were going for. But five, six and ten are so egregious that it leads me to assume that the article linked was written by some horrible minor character from The Phantom Toolboth.
I thought Asia was winning because not-Asia was too often drunk, French, or both.
Huh, it also seems to have taken five authors to put that together. You'd think they couldn't count that high.
Unless you've been careless with a buzz saw or something, most people can get to five.
Maybe they were actually trying to write an article about terrible lit courses?
Movie and television narratives such as Good Will Hunting and Numb3rs are also mathematically based.
Um, no.
Um, no.
But it's called "Numb3rs". And there's a "3" in the title.
Is that woman wearing a lab coat? To do math?
Why yes. Yes she is. To write on a chalkboard.
Technically it appears she's donning a lab coat to find the volume of a solid of revolution for her completely standard Calculus II class.
Twice in a row now Unfogged has unduly burdened me because I read posts first in RSS. Are there any lawyers here?
My second year of college I took a class called "basic algebra" for three consecutive quarters. Clearly we are falling behind Asia!
smbc is like xkcd but with acid in place of treacle.
See, now that's one just total garbage. 1+1 isn't parametrically large or small, but it's not as big as 4 pi, so the best I can say is "order one". Might as well call it 1 for concreteness.
My ex The Antichrist used to keep a piss jar in our room in one place where we lived, because it was too much effort to walk down the goddamn stairs to go to the bathroom. So disgusting, especially when it got knocked over under the bed.
The article linked in 38 makes me want to destroy something. (In fairness, the music my kids are listening to already made me want to destroy something, so it didn't take much to piss me off even more.)
Twice in a row now Unfogged has unduly burdened me because I read posts first in RSS
Because you don't get the below-the-fold part in the RSS feed? I didn't know that. (Wouldn't have stopped me, but I didn't know that.)
Oh, I get the post title now. Heh.
Oh, good! I was afraid that was going unappreciated.
60: I think you get it with no option not to.
Traffic jam (rush hour), waaayyy too much coffee, Tupperware.
...these are a few of my favorite things.
This post prompted me to go out just now and piss on a patch of Jerusalem Artichoke. Bonus was a fantastic clearing sky--multiple levels of clouds moving quickly in slightly different directions with a very bright waning gibbous moon doing the ghostly galleon thing.
smbc-linking beats xkcd-linking.
I'm really tempted to rewrite all links to xkcd so that they point instead to goatkcd.
68: When heebie's post prompted me to get a bagel, I took a picture. Just sayin'...
69: I don't get it, like this one?
BTW 74 NSFW, not that neb would warn you.
However, there is a SFW version. This, to my mind, is the most bizarre aspect of the goatkcd project.
76: Never noticed before how fucked up the vertical alignment of numerals are in this font. 1234567890.
I believe An episode of 30 rock was devoted to this.
Also, heebie is pregnant? When did thishappen? Why have we not been getting as many awesome pregnancy posts like last time? My belated congratulations.
82: OK, I'm at Des Moines, now where?
However, there is a SFW version. This, to my mind, is the most bizarre aspect of the goatkcd project.
Wow, yeah. It's really only SFW in comparison to the regular version.
4:
You'd be hanging out and he'd grab one and take a big swig and you'd be think "but how do you know?"
Sometimes you don't, as I found out one memorable morning when I grabbed what I thought was a glass of stale orange soda standing on my bedroom sink....
Why I used the glass instead of the sink I'll never know.
Incidently, I was wondering what SMBC reminded me of and I suddenly got it: Ruben Bolling's Tom the Dancing Bug; similar drawing style.
Once on a winter tour with my college improv comedy group, a girl sitting in the backseat of my car peed into a Snapple bottle with a dude sitting next to her, oblivious.
(She proudly announced her accomplishment after the fact.)
apropos to the post title, further reading.
86: I assume that would have been something Orangina-like? To think there's a benefit to American orange soda looking so artificial.
Once on a winter tour with my college improv comedy group
Oh, hey, I'm up late. I feel compelled to (re-)share the story of being on tour with two bands in a modified seniors' bus.
The thing had standard school-bus doors, and within three days it became clear that we weren't going to able to stop at every whim of the ten bladders aboard.
We stopped at Lowe's and fashioned a funnel-tube apparatus. If you had to pee, you stepped into the getting-off part of the bus and peed into a funnel, which directed your pee into a tube heading outside.
The risk was that a sudden turn would find you, business in hand, thrown to the side of the roadway, bus doors being that way that you could push on them to open them.
Luckily, we avoided that pissfall.
I assume that would have been something Orangina-like?
If it resembles Orangina in colour, you are seriously dehydrated and should drink water immediately.
If it resembles Orangina not only in colour but also in having a sediment of little chewy bits at the bottom, you should seek urgent medical attention.
If it resembles Orangina in being available only at specialty retailers, you're going to be very uncomfortable if you go to Iowa.
Imagine being in an endless traffic jam somewhere on the Parisian ring road. It can be worse. (and the bad could not be compensated for by passing it off and selling it as Orangina - mainly because we only had the Evian bottle in the car)
I can never remember how to mute the microphone on my end, so I'd be afraid to try.
96: oh it'll short out quick enough when the stream hits it.
The title justifies the last twenty minutes of the blog.
95: Once when I was a baby lawyer a fellow associate e-mailed me with a desperate need for a bottle during a long conference call. They must have just emptied the recycling bins, because I had to hit several floors before find an appropriate bottle.
More generally: kind of comforting to know how common this is. I feel less alone now.
I've got a Shewee but have never used it in anger. I bought it for festival-going, thinking it might help the girls deal with long-drop toilets, but in the end they preferred to walk back to the flushing toilets in the family camping area each time.
A friend of mine had a great story about needing a piss on a long drive home one night - she stopped in a layby, but it was pitch dark outside and she was nervous of getting out of the car. Then she remembered she still had a potty in the back of the car (her daughter was about 6 by this point!), so managed to get it into the passenger footwell, squeezed herself down there too and used it. Had a scary moment when she thought she wouldn't stop in time, but was okay. And then drove home with it! She said she got in her front door almost in tears, handed her husband the car keys and just pleaded, "Deal with it!"
In defense of the article in 38, Sarah Lawrence has a very goo-goo-ish, not-rigorous-sounding course description for topology: "In topology we ask: Is it connected? Is it compact? Does it have holes?" OTOH, the origami course description sounds really freaking hard, despite the whimsical motivation.
That description may not sound rigorous, but those are all fundamental mathematical concepts, and one minute with Wikipedia could have clarified this for the authors.
102: Sure, but they sound deceptively simple (so simple, you'd be tempted not to look them up). After all, any idiot can identify a continuous function just by looking at it, but it took mathematicians more than a hundred years to agree on what continuity is.
I can't think of a single funny, or even particularly disgusting urination story.
When I went out to LA to make my fortune, the friend I was staying with and his roommate were so lazy/broke/passive aggressive, that they were each refusing to buy toilet paper, in case the other one used it, and so had a pile of old National Lampoons next to the toilet. I immediately purchased them some toilet paper.
I can't think of a single funny, or even particularly disgusting urination story.
Be the change you wish to see in the world, Natilo. I'm sure with a little thought and effort, you could have an all-new urination story to share by lunchtime.
Pee the change you wish to see in the back of the bus.
I mean, with the exception of Grandpa Simpson's exploding kidneys, don't all funny/disgusting urination stories basically boil down to "someone had to pee really bad, and then they did"?
Not that I'm knocking micturological humor. If that's your thing, let it flow. I just think scatological humor is usually both more transgressive and more amusing. To some people, it smacks of art.
No, there's a separate stream of these stories, off to the side of the main one and always appearing as a surprise. The separate stream is men literally marking territory or otherwise taking atavistic pleasure in pissing outdoors, usually on property they own, and then boasting obliviously about it afterwards.
In principle, there should also be potential humor in the sugary urine of undiagnosed diabetics, especially if they are unlikeable.
don't all funny/disgusting urination stories basically boil down to "someone had to pee really bad, and then they did"?
That's a pretty narrow view. There's a whole genre of funny/disgusting urination stories that boil down to "Someone pissed in an unusual receptacle, and someone else came along and mistook it for a beverage."
Favorite urination lyrics;
Standing on a highway
Pants around my knees
I'd write her name out on the road
But I can't piss Denise
It is my secret shame that I prone to a cock-eyed (so to speak) pee stream that ends up on the floor or on my pants. I have no idea what might cause such a condition and I have no strategies for avoiding it.
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To write my name in yellow snow.
114: After you pee sitting down, you say something really stupid, and then you feel manly again. Works for me!
It's probably TMI to tell you lot that my brother had his dong pierced Prince-Albert-style at age 18 and ever since has taken all his pees sitting down.
Does that grow shut if you take out the hoop?
I just think scatological humor is usually both more transgressive and more amusing
That sounds like a cue to recount a story from my mom's late teens. She was on a trip to the Bulgarian coast and got a bad case of the runs. She went out into the hall to go to the bathroom, but they both had out of service signs. At this point things were getting urgent so she tried the door on one of them, found it unlocked and looking fine, and figured she just wouldn't flush. A split second after doing her business she heard horrible screaming and cursing from below. The hotel maintenance staff weren't pleased.
119: THAT'S what I'm talking about!
Jammies was friends with a group of girls in college who were all rugby players and totally rambunctious party girls. I've only met them once, but they were a lot of fun.
When they go to bars, here's their pee-pee strategy: sit on the curb with two friends, one on either side of you. Pull down your shirt, shimmy down your jeans, and pee into the gutter.
Right in the middle of downtown nightlife. I think these girls are totally insane, but hey, they're really fun.
If it resembles Orangina in being available only at specialty retailers, you're going to be very uncomfortable if you go to Iowa.
One of the small pleasures that makes modern life tolerable is that, in the UK anyway, Orangina is now available at nearly every corner shop and is often cheaper than Coke, let alone disgusting shit like Fanta.
I like to pronounce Orangina with a long i.
122: To be honest, it could be all over Iowa by now. I haven't checked.
I'm not going to be happy until they bring back Vin Mariani.
Pull down your shirt, shimmy down your jeans, and pee into the gutter.
I had a couple of friends in college get arrested for taking a leak in the alley. In both cases, it was the silent menace of the cycle-riding police officer. There is a continuing struggle between residents and drunks in Pittsburgh's South Side. Pissing next to or on peoples' houses is probably the worst of it.
119: "I have a bad case of diarrhea."
I like to pronounce Orangina with a long i.
There was a very funny skit about that but, sadly, it still does not appear to exist anywhere on the internets.
The "Number One Party School" episode of This American Life had a really excellent you-are-there peeing-on-people's-lawns-and-in-the-street segment.
130: Starring friends of mine (as the peed-upon, not the pee-ers).
On New Year's Eve 1999 in Hamburg, I was coming home around 2am. At my subway stop, on the sub-level between the tracks and the surface, there were five women in full-length formal ball gowns hiked up around their waists, all squatting to pee around a drain in the floor.
Oh ho. I was going to say that at the beach as a kid I drank some variation on Orangina called Orelia, but I find that that was the name under which it was first introduced to the States.
131: sorry, Kraab's friends. That was pretty nasty.
Happily, they don't live there anymore.
We haven't had any vomiting stories, so in the interest of completeness, me at age fifteen in a Seville hotel on a school trip. I'd gotten an unpleasant bit of food poisoning and quickly went from fine to OMG I'm going to be sick while eating dinner. I ran to the hotel desk to find out where the nearest bathroom was. Seeing as matters were time sensitive, I felt no guilt at cutting in front of the rather long line to ask my quick question. The clerk felt otherwise and started giving me a lecture on politeness and proper conduct. I interrupted him, trying to convey that I really, really needed a bathroom right now. He started a rant about poorly raised Americans which ended when I threw up. Most of it went on the desk, some on the floor, and a bit on Mr. Manners. The folks in line cracked up and some of them even started clapping.
BTW, you're all gross.
Sir Kraab pooped in the punchbowl.
Re: the OP, unless you have a transparent shower curtain of some kind, I would have peed in the bathroom and just done it as quietly as possible out of politeness. Call me unmanly but I've never peed in a cup, can, bottle, etc.
111, 112: I used to have horrible aim due to phimosis (I think it's actually a relatively common medical condition, but still probably NSFW), but having sex motivated me to finally get around that. Improving my aim was an unexpected but welcome benefit.
still probably NSFW
Famously, the photograph at the Wikipedia page for phimosis is both nsfw and mildly disturbing.
I don't know what phimosis is, but I'm sure we all know the "I'm awake now" sensation that follows the sound of liquid hitting file.
Or liquid hitting linoleum. I'm not trying to insult anybody's flooring choices.
the sound of liquid hitting file.
I piss on your archives!
Especially when the file is hidden in a jailhouse cake.
I'm sure I've shared how Jammies woke up peeing all over his computer.
144: Did you have a post-micturition convulsion (spine shiver) as well?
the sound of liquid hitting file filé
Stop peeing in my gumbo!
Would anyone else get the joke if I quoted, "And we gave him that old bottle which once held bitter ale"?
I'm sure I've shared how Jammies woke up peeing all over his computer.
Maybe you have, but I don't know it. Noch mal bitte -- or at least a link to the archives?
(Yes, Becks style. Took my roommates out for a nice French dinner, for having to put up with the godawful subletter for three weeks in my absence.)
Oh, not a whole lot to the story. He got good and drunk and had to pee in the middle of the night. So he stumbled over to his desk and let loose, and woke up to the strange sound of pee landing on keyboard/computer.
We were dating at this point, but I wasn't present.
137 is awesome. And good title Stanley. And congrats, Heebie! Hope you feel better, get more prepared food handy, and that Jammies gets more time at home soon.
and that Jammies gets more time at home soon
...and a new keyboard.
130: Ah, my alma mater. (NB: I never peed on anywhere other than a restroom when I was in school there. It depresses me that I feel the need to clarify this.)
156: There's always homecoming. Live the stream!