Re: Let's talk about you.

1

I have a stone (or stones) blocking a salivary gland duct, which has caused the gland to swell up and make one whole side of my jaw hurt like hell. And there's not much to be done but wait for it to dissolve or somehow work its way out. So that sucks. On the other hand, it doesn't appear to be infected and I got a prescription for Vicodin this morning. Yay, Vicodin!


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:41 AM
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Oh jesus. How weird and painful.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:47 AM
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Here's what I'm doing next week: Gastric Emptying Scan (radioactive scrambled eggs! yum); Nerve Conduction Study.

Also writing a final exam, probably. Whee!


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:50 AM
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I've got a brand new pain in my knee. It gets really sharp when I walk down stairs.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:52 AM
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Are these new directions of probing? What happened with the Lyme disease and the gallbladder surgery?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:53 AM
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1: Would salivating extra help? Like eating sour candy?

Dr. Oops has a hysterical story of, as a resident, having a patient come into the hospital with something -- maybe what you've got, I don't know -- where the treatment was to make her salivate heavily. Unfortunately, the patient didn't speak English. Also unfortunately, the reasonably respectable sour candy they kept around for that purpose was out, so they had to send someone out to a drugstore and they came back with Super Sour Gummy Worms. Apparently explaining to someone you don't share a language with that the doctor insists you eat Gummy Worms is difficult.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:54 AM
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4: Thy name is Spike.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:54 AM
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I'm still dead.


Posted by: Opinionated Francisco Franco | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:54 AM
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I'm incredibly overbusy and had kind of a freakout/neurochemical shutdown over it last night (also, I hadn't eaten enough). I'm better today, except I haven't actually accomplished the things I need to. Next Thursday I'm giving a talk for a combined lab meeting down the way. Both labs I'm presenting to are known for picking apart the details of guest speakers' research (not in a mean way, just from an abundance of interest) so I need to have my details really locked down. On the other hand, I just found out that the PI of one of the labs, who is the person who had originally invited me and whose radar it would do me the greatest good to be on, won't be attending. Then pretty much by the next day I need to have my poster for an upcoming conference ready to go. And this weekend is booked solid with family things. I've been getting a lot of good unfogged commenting in, so that's nice.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:58 AM
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My gallbladder is no more, but I didn't stop throwing up (or any of the other things). So, more probing.

I no longer have any active/detectable Lyme Disease. Opinions seem to vary about whether or not we could still blame Lyme Disease for anything/everything else, or not. Honestly no one seems that concerned about figuring out what the actual problem is. Each specialist just wants to treat one discrete symptom and then throw up their hands and/or send me off for more tests.

I also have just scheduled some back surgery for early June. Whee!


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:58 AM
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Oh jesus. What's kind of back surgery?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:00 AM
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You people just have illnesses to make me look bad for complaining about being busy.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:00 AM
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Each specialist just wants to treat one discrete symptom and then throw up their hands

I initially misread this as "throw their hands up" which presented a subtly different picture of the enthusiastic party-readiness of the medical specialists in question.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:01 AM
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I'm in one of my cycles of wondering if I can swing a total career change into something that either I'd be better at taking seriously, or that I'd be better at doing well despite not taking it seriously. I just did a half-ass job of writing a brief point on a very important case, and I'm kind of ashamed of myself. But not really motivated to do better work in future.

There are ads in the subway offering to train me to be an HVAC repairperson, which sounds like fun.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:02 AM
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I gave up the dream of pink, and instead we're going with very pretty blue counters, and I'm happy with that.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:03 AM
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Lumbar discectomy.


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:07 AM
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13- I'd probably like them more your way.


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:09 AM
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Classes ended yesterday, so basically I'm fantastically happy.

Yay, classes ending!


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:10 AM
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To 14, I met a lawyer the other day, who is a good lawyer and has done pretty well, who works out of a combined barber shop/law office. The barber shop was his Dad's business and he learned to be a barber; when he started his law practice, he got office space next door, and he's kept it up as a combined business, even though he doesn't really have to. So, he cuts hair for a few hours a week and then goes back to writing aggressive discovery letters or whatever, and even has another combo barber/lawyer on staff. You could try out the same thing, but with HVAC repair.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:10 AM
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I'm in my third week of working 2 jobs, and so far holding up. We've figured out how to get away for a few days without spending half the time driving: we'll take the new catamaran ferry to the other side which will break up the drive and give us a few hours rest in the middle.

Still no Ekranoplans on Lake Michigan.


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:12 AM
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I'm super busy, both at work and at home, so I feel like I never have any time for anything personal [playing guitar, taking photos, whatever]. Also, pissed off at how much driving I am doing at the moment.*

On the other hand, the baby is great, lots of things in life are pretty excellent. So if I could just find, say, an extra few hours free a week, and a more comfortable car, life would be fairly sweet.**

* in the region of 3 - 5 hours a day.
** and more money, naturally. The chances of promotion with a substantial pay-rise at work are looking less likely at the moment, although the chances of basically doing all the work that the promoted post would be doing are looking quite high.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:12 AM
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My friend the thus far unemployed (he passed the bar I think three or four years ago so "thus far" is doing a lot of work) lawyer worked as a cabbie for years. I really think he should find a way to combine the two.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:13 AM
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Sad Town has a combination coffee shop/chiropractor, called Ch/ro Java.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:13 AM
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I have, as of late, been moderately concerned by the shear pointlessness of it all. Though I feel my own contribution is perhaps less pointless than others I could name, so I've got that going for me.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:14 AM
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I hope they only play Spyro Gyra.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:14 AM
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* in the region of 3 - 5 hours a day.

This really is horrifying.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:14 AM
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re: 26

Yeah. The plan, when my wife went back to work, is that I'd commute by train most of the time. Which is slightly more expensive, but better than driving. But it has proved so unreliable of late, that I can't risk not being back home in time to collect the baby from the nursery. So I've been driving 4 days out of 5. I don't think it's sustainable, though. It's going to kill me.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:16 AM
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22: Taxicab depositions.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:20 AM
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27: is there somebody local you can pay to do the pickup who can then babysit AxelF for an hour or so? The teachers at Zardoz's daycare are generally happy to do that for a fee.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:21 AM
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I'm feeling apprehensive about the job I'm about to start because most of it is stuff I don't have direct experience with and I'm the only one with those job duties there. It's probably the first time I've felt that imposter thing. I was hired more on potential. On the other hand, there seems to be potential for me to be able to define my job as I go.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:28 AM
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where the treatment was to make her salivate heavily.

Like this?


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:32 AM
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10: But at least you still have your health, right?


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:34 AM
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29: ttaM's kid is called Flexa? Nice.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:34 AM
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I just had to fire someone for incompetence. It wasn't an enjoyable experience and I really, really don't want to have to do it again, ever.


Posted by: Eddard Stark | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:35 AM
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35

My ceiling is all torn open but the pipe no longer drips.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:38 AM
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I'm a grad student. My department is looking to fill a lecturer/staff position. I'm pretty sure the job is mine if I want it, and I'm halfway considering quitting on my degree to take it. Pros: don't have to move/drag boyfriend away from lucrative job that he likes, don't have to finish thesis, don't have to figure out what to do professionally after degree, money. Cons: horrible work environment, "this is the rest of my life" depression, not that much money.


Posted by: Abraham Lincoln | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:42 AM
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It's too bad my friends from the lab aren't on unfogged, because they are sharing the most absolutely amazing story of ongoing plumbing disaster on Facebook right now. It involves, at last count, six different contractor and city water trucks, a broken unshuttoffable water main in the crawlspace beneath their apartment, the shutting down of water to their entire street, the closing of their street to traffic, and the head of the city water department arriving on scene and saying "What the... how the hell did they build this?" (apparently a direct quote). It's an epic in the making.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:44 AM
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Cons: horrible work environment, "this is the rest of my life" depression, not that much money.

No, don't do it if that's how you feel about it going in.

Also, why would it mean giving up your degree? I mean, that doesn't sound that far off the sorts of things grad students do -- couldn't you get paid and still work on your research?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:45 AM
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Another (I think verbatim) exchange:
"HEY MAN, IS IT STOPPED?" "NOPE, WATER'S STILL COMING IN" "WHAT? DID WE DIG THE WRONG HOLE?"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:45 AM
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Oh and I forgot this all started with an attempt to fix a clogged toilet.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:48 AM
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38, I might be able to take the job and still finish the degree, but honestly being able to bail on my thesis is like the main attraction. Also, I know I shouldn't take the job, I've basically just been daydreaming about it.


Posted by: Abraham Lincoln | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:50 AM
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What 38.1 said. Really.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:51 AM
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I finally made an appointment to get seen about my back/leg thing. Next week. The week after that, I have a trial in a water rights case. The son is taking his last final of the semester today -- I'll have to go get him, but have a thing for the arts collective for which I'm a board member tomorrow, and another thing for the local Dem party, in which I have an elected position, on Saturday. Just booked the daughter's flights to come see us in July. Deciding not to go to the Paul McCartney concert for which tickets go on sale tomorrow.

In sum, the usual. Except there's still a lot of snow up in the mountains, and if I wasn't injured, I'd be skiing/snowshoeing afternoons and weekends.


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:51 AM
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ttaM, that's rotten. Can you say more about the present unreliability of London-Oxford trains? I'm going to be visiting the latter next week but have an appointment in the former one day. How much extra time do I need to build in? Since that appointment occasions the entire trip, I would feel extremely stupid to be stuck on a train the whole time.

Relatedly, Paren and I are planning lunch in Oxford next Thursday, May 8. Anyone else around to join?


Posted by: Gabardine Bathyscaphe | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:52 AM
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Like eating sour candy?

The doctor mentioned that specifically, yes. Mostly I'm just pleased to be out of pain and opiate-floaty. Makes work entirely more pleasant.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:54 AM
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I've gotten on the board of a homelessness/substance-abuse-focused organization, so I'll be bothering people on Facebook and elsewhere presently.

Any tips for finding silent-auction items, one of many chores handed out to us? My particular problem is that the organization is exclusively in SF, so I don't know how interested Oakland businesses would be in helping it.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:59 AM
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Also I am having my first period since going off hormonal birth control and Jesus H. Christ I forgot it was like this. It is horrible.


Posted by: Abraham Lincoln | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:00 AM
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40: Somebody had the most epic shit ever.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:00 AM
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I'm trying to buy a new car. I know exactly what I want, at this point, and I know that it needs to be a special order, and I'm absolutely dreading and procrastinating the process of price negotiation, and am sorely tempted to do something stupid like offer to pay MSRP to make the problem go away.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:01 AM
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36: If the job is likely to be subject to cuts, it may not resolve much in the long run.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:03 AM
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Also, I'm totally failing to write the 45-minute presentation I'm going to give in a month and a half (for a hobby event, in front of ~1000 people) and fear I will continue to fail to write it until much too late.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:06 AM
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51: you aren't giving that presentation right around the corner from my house, are you?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:08 AM
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Why don't you start applying for local jobs that aren't in awful work environments? It sounds like neither continuing in your PhD or taking this lecturer job is what you want.


Posted by: Unfoggetarian: "Pause endlessly, then go in." (9) | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:15 AM
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49 -- what are you getting? Some of us love vicarious car buying


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:16 AM
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Have not spoken to daughter since October. Ex at a pitch of homicidal self-pity. Mother increasingly demented. Self no more insane than usual, and with work looking up, I hope.

Meetups would be welcome


Posted by: King George III | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:17 AM
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44, 55: I can't remember if you're around Oxford? And that's got to be really awful about your daughter, but you have to hope that she'll come around eventually.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:21 AM
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26: Driving for 3-5 hours a day in England is shitty enough to bring the entire Boston sewage system down. I did ~3 hours a day for a couple of years and on one occasion a lorry sideswiped me across three lanes of oncoming traffic on the motorway. My car spun right round and came to rest on the motorway verge on the far side, pointing back the way I had come, and once I had hoisted in that I was still alive, I thought "Christ, I've still got to go to work tomorrow".


Posted by: Nworb Werdna | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:21 AM
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With a five hour commute, I could work in Cleveland.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:29 AM
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The presentation is not in our city, no; I'm going to be talking about making ice cider to a crowd of fellow alcohol nerds.

Car: 2015 Subaru Forester. Boring, has lots of carrying capacity, extremely good visibility (my wife exclaimed that she could see the hood from the driver's seat! This is new and different for her), the optional computer-vision safety/cruise-control system is cool, because I firmly believe that as drivers, we are stupid meatbags. The choice is optimizing for "occasionally carrying lots of crap on long road trips", not for daily commuting, since neither of us commute by car. It'll be replacing a similarly boring sedan (Civic) that runs fine but is small, particularly with a kid, and which is now old enough to get its own driver's license.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:29 AM
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I'm trying to get my sister to buy a Subaru.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:31 AM
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I'm in the same mental spot that I've been in for the last couple of months -- much of my life is going well and then there are a few things that are taking up all of my mental/emotional energy.

Also, there's a small potential of getting a bunch of new work (possibly too much work, but most likely just an uncomfortable amount) in six months or so, which is good, but slightly daunting.

* in the region of 3 - 5 hours a day.

That makes me cringe just thinking about it.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:31 AM
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With a five hour commute, I could work in Cleveland.

I could work in Houston.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:35 AM
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Holy shit, some of you are in bad shape. I blame Messily's gall bladder. I hope things get better.


Posted by: torrey pine | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:36 AM
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59 -- We just bought a Forester. Saved a whole bunch by being members of the American Canoe Association. 10% off, I think. (There are rules about how long you have to have been a member, but we got them bent, and you might as well.)


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:36 AM
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It sounds like neither continuing in your PhD or taking this lecturer job is what you want.

Yeah, getting the hell out sounds really good. But I'm not sure how much of not wanting to continue is temporary stuck-on-this-problem malaise that will get better, and I would feel like a jackass for spending five years in grad school and not getting a PhD. Also the thought of all the assholes in my department who would smugly tell each other "I told you so" if I quit makes me want to cry. So I think I will finish.


Posted by: Abraham Lincoln | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:38 AM
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Man, that sucks, ttaM. I'll keep you in my thoughts during my twenty minute walk to work through the local park.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:39 AM
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65: Finishing sounds right.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:40 AM
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65: You get used to it pretty easy.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:41 AM
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Our domains are distant from Oxford.


Posted by: King George III | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:42 AM
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Even if you're probably going to finish, it might still make sense to keep an eye on what jobs are out there. It'll let you know better what your options after graduation look like, and you only need to apply if a real dream job comes up. Plus just the chance to fantasize about other lives might help on the sanity front.


Posted by: Unfoggetarian: "Pause endlessly, then go in." (9) | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:43 AM
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Shitty day today. Crazy parents are a chronic stress.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:57 AM
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65: In my grad department, there was a lecturer position that was basically a stopgap for grad students who had finished a PhD but had no job lined up. It was understood by all that nobody would hold it for more than a year. They had a couple more permanent positions, but the folks holding those usually got badly screwed after a few years (like they were renewed for one course per semester rather than three with no notice or not renewed at all when it would have meant giving decent benefits). I'm surprised they wouldn't require a degree. In my field, it's a requirement even for teaching at a community college. That said, I know plenty of folks who have walked away after four and five years, and none of them regret it. Among my group of friends, most of them have taken a couple years away from the field altogether, but they often came back when they'd recovered from burnout and found that they still enjoyed it. I assume you'd leave with a master's and be able to find a job that you like. It's not worth staying out of stubbornness.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:59 AM
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E. Messily, hope there's light at the end of the tunnel. Apostropher, yay for the good drugs.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:00 AM
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I recently was told by assorted docs that all my precious bodily fluids, tubes, and orifices are in very good shape, I just need to remember not to wash NSAIDs down with Scotch.

TBH, I was somewhat disappointed. Now I guess I need to find some good reason for continuing on with this "living" schtick.


Posted by: biohazard | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:01 AM
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I had to do a client meeting with a genuine plutocrat today - on May Day! So wrong. But at least the work I'm doing for him, if not on the side of the angels, is at least neutral with respect to non-plutocrats and arguably a very slight benefit to the environment.

otherwise, the weather is glorious today, we had cherries, peaches, peas and raspberries yesterday and I indulged in a consolatory perfume purchase post meeting and hummed the internationale on the walk back to the office.


Posted by: Elisabeth of Bavaria | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:05 AM
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71: whenever someone starts bitching in my presence about how great teachers, especially elementary teachers, have it with the tenure and sinners off, I just reply "Parents " Usually shuts them right down.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:09 AM
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@76: Interesting typo...


Posted by: AcademicLurker | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:12 AM
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I just need to remember not to wash NSAIDs down with Scotch.

It's written on the bottle of at least one of them, but in really small letters.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:12 AM
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That's hilarious! Go phone!


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:13 AM
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46.last:

1. Be persistent. One of my colleagues is very good at this. She gets auction donations out of just about everybody, just by calling them until they relent. And her organization is not one than can really tug on anyone's heartstrings.

2. Look into getting gift certificates from dance studios, martial arts dojos, yoga studios, that kind of thing. The dirty little industry secret is that only about 10% of people who bid on and win them at silent auctions actually use them.

3. I suppose microbreweries are out, given the aims of the organization? If not, they're often happy to part with a few growlers, since the cost to them is so minimal.

4. Know your audience. At my former job someone donated the painting of a black velvet portrait of the winning bidder's pet. That got snapped up quickly, but it was totally the kind of crowd who gets off on that kind of thing. Probably wouldn't work so well in another context.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:13 AM
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Well, I made it home before I passed out this afternoon, but it involved cutting class short halfway through and sending everyone away abruptly. I've never done that before; usually I cancel them ahead of time. Exciting new developments for us all!

I have friends in Boston relaying exciting plumbing disasters, too, but it seems to be an independent series of events. What's up, Boston plumbing?


Posted by: E. Messily | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:13 AM
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It's at the bottom of the Scotch: Don't be chasing NSAIDS now.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:14 AM
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Hooray, office hours are done for the semester, specifically meaning I am oh so done with one specific student!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:15 AM
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What's up, Boston plumbing?

AhahahAHAHAha soo wasted already HAPPY THURSDAY woOOOOOooOoooo SOX


Posted by: Boston Plumbing | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:16 AM
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One of the more desired objects at a silent auction I had to go to was a public domain map, nicely printed and framed. It looked all olde and neato, but it was a map from an online archive that anyone is allowed to print.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:16 AM
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Also here in SF Bi-Rite has a pretty good donations program, perhaps a fancy pants picnic basket to take to Dolores Park, and one of the Arizmendis might donate a certificate for a series of Friday night pizzas? Solve Friday night dinner dilemma for a whole month and help the community at the same time, could be popular.

Set high minimum bids.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:17 AM
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Can you say more about the present unreliability of London-Oxford trains?

I really, really can't speak to this the way ttaM can, but I have suspicions that it might be down to issues during peak travel time. If you're able to travel not during rush hour, I suspect (hope) things are better?

Also, some of it might not be the train itself - not sure if ttaM has to take the Tube or not - but there have been Tube strikes & other messes lately as well.


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:18 AM
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Ominous sign on the drive to work today: NEW TRAFFIC PATTERN BEGINNING MONDAY. I'm hoping for paisley.


Posted by: unimaginative | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:19 AM
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I'm feeling frustrated at my failure to understand economics because Lone Conservative Friend is going on about the usual stuff, posting links to Forbes (who knew a magazine called "The Capitalist Tool" would be against raising the minimum wage?!) and I want to argue back based on my non-specific conviction that there's probably a way for people not to have to scrape by on nothing but I'd immediately lose the argument.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:21 AM
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Meanwhile I'm trying to coast through the next five work days on the basis of obviously I'm not going to go into overdrive to clear up a massive problem that I walked into and am happily walking out of next Wednesday, but it's hard to fly in under the radar in a cubicle.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:24 AM
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27: is there somebody local you can pay to do the pickup who can then babysit AxelF for an hour or so? The teachers at Zardoz's daycare are generally happy to do that for a fee.

I think this is a very very good suggestion.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:29 AM
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I've very recently met a man I really get along with (but very recently, so take everything with a tablespoon of salt). We have interests in common. We have strong physical chemistry. He is acting as vigorously intent on me as anyone I've met since my last long-term boyfriend. He says things like, "Later on, when we're inseparable ..." . It's just so different from everyone else who's all, let's see if I can pencil you in between the seven other women I'm seeing. So far he makes me feel really good. He offered to come to my work and help me with all my Linux questions, and said he'd really enjoy it, and today he even emailed me to remind me to send him questions. He's interested in having a child, or more than one. He's also apparently fabulously wealthy. At first I wondered if he might just be making things up, but I did some testing for internal consistency -- I had him take me to his restaurant, for instance, and he is indeed the owner of the restaurant. As I've interacted with him more, I've only come to feel more strongly that he is genuine. The money has both very pleasant and also nervewracking qualities. I never want to marry him and have the ethical and practical responsibility for it. I told my roommate I had a fantasy about our son being killed in the Class War of 2054, and she said that was the craziest thing she'd ever heard me say. On the other hand, he suggested we start a foundation together, and at first I was like, what? I don't want to run a foundation. Do you know how much work I have already? But then I started thinking about ideas for giving money away, and it didn't sound so bad -- I particularly have an idea that's professionally relevant to me and also an interest of his. There is a bad thing: he said on his online profile he was 46, but he revealed on our second date that he was 55. He looks plausibly 46, but this is old both for dating him and for having a child with him. But as I said to my coworkers as I listed positive things about the situation thus far -- who am I kidding? what else do I think is out there? There is going to be something that sucks in some way about every possible romantic possibility and it does not make sense to hang around looking for someone who I'm relating to as well as I seem to be relating to him, who can so easily and comfortably support kids (or fertility treatments, or special services if my kids are disabled, or whatever I/we'd need), who just happens to also be younger.

Anyway, it's extremely early, and this could easily melt into nothing, but so far he is making me feel as good as anyone ever has when I first met them, and he's acting like confident people do when they've identified something they want and they set about getting it. Whatever happens, it feels good right now, and I don't object to sexytimes and warm company and help with my Linux questions and fabulous expensive food.


Posted by: Tia | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:31 AM
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92: someone has to partner the plutocrats!


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:35 AM
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Class War of 2054, and she said that was the craziest thing she'd ever heard me say.

It's less likely to be a war than a brutally suppressed attempt at an uprising. Your son's death will be blamed on class war but actually the result of a power struggle among the ruling classes. You have my condolences.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:35 AM
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Not that details matter, but I've forgotten -- what are you, low thirties? Still high twenties?

Generally, if the relationship seems to be making you happy, no reason to borrow trouble. For all the obvious reasons, I wouldn't be stunned by trouble showing up in the future, but no sense going there before you have to.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:38 AM
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a combined barber shop/law office

"Our Leeches Don't Use Leeches"


Posted by: Todd | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:38 AM
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Speaking of lawyers (which we've been doing a lot recently always), I'm going to pretend that 14 and 19 allow me to act as if the following rumination is somehow on topic:

Thinking about the deposition discussion and the judge-snark I posted the other day (Only lawyers, with their finely honed skill of rendering the obvious obtuse, could create uncertainty as to the outcome.) it occurred to me that whatever else you say about lawyers, in my experience they are universally clear-eyed about the true nature and absurdities of their occupation. Even ones with other large blind spots and/or annoying pomposities. (And I think the nature of the profession almost demands it.) Some of you know lawyers, am I putting them on an undeserved self-awareness pedestal?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:39 AM
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95: mid thirties.


Posted by: Tia | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:41 AM
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Speaking as May to the better half's let's say October/November - proceed.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:43 AM
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Does he have a first family? Having pairs of sibs twenty years apart worked well in my family.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:46 AM
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Just because someone else is going to say it if I don't, moronic though it is, you're either just over the 1/2+7 limit or at least will be very soon.

If you're happy, I don't really see the argument against (oh, if the idea of having kids with someone who will be pushing eighty by the time they're out of college horrifies you, then you might want to head it off before it goes in that direction, but if it doesn't, it doesn't.)


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:47 AM
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92: There is a bad thing: he said on his online profile he was 46, but he revealed on our second date that he was 55.

This is the closest thing I see to be a hint of a warning sign, not the age itself but the shaving off of 9 years. On the positive side he apparently owned up to it rather quickly. One of the all-time most destructive relationships I know of started with deception as to age, followed by denial in the face of incontrovertible evidence, then grudging admittance to an older age which turned out to *still* be BS on further discovery. A rather wealthy person as well.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:48 AM
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Grumbles needs work, badly.

Other stuff is actually going well. It's just the whole living-in-SF without money part that causes certain difficulties.


Posted by: grumbles | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:51 AM
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Eventually, he turns out to be 80 years old and won't let you take your picture with Magic Johnson.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:51 AM
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Oh, yeah, I suppose you might want to grill him on "what were you thinking" about that -- I think I dismissed it as an artifact of online dating, hoping to make it through more potentials' screening rules.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:52 AM
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re: 44

If you are travelling to Paddington on the fast service, it'll probably be fine. You should check on-line in case there's some major disruption, e.g. a death on the line, or a signal failure. But generally those are fairly reliable. They may be slightly late, sometimes, but it's usually within 15 minutes of the advertised time.

If you are changing to a local stopping service anywhere, though, which I do, you'll need to allow extra time as you may well miss the connection. That's the source of my troubles, usually. My quickest route home involves two changes, and I usually miss one or both.

However, remember there's a transport strike in London next week, so depending when you are travelling into London, you can expect everything at the London end to be fucked up, so you'll need to add a LOT of extra time.

re: May 8th. I should be around in Oxford, and I have no scheduled things that day, so I should be able to make lunch.

Are you at all interesting in a quick tour in/under the naieldoB? If you haven't been, I mean.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:56 AM
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Various things in my life would nominally seem to be on the upswing, yet I remain in a funk. And as a consequence I seem to be eating too much and sleeping too little. WTF, me?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:56 AM
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97:

To the degree this is true, and I think it is, it has no doubt numerous causes, but one I'd like to mention is the lasting impact of the Legal Realists, an early-to-mid-century intellectual movement that became dominant in American Law Schools. And it teaches to look always past formalism to the actual likely results of any action. The lawyer's task is predicting, anticipating what the decision-maker will do.

Classic statement, intended for students and therefore all the more influential, is Karl Llewellyn's The Bramble Bush.

Now many lawyers never read it, but the influence of this way of thinking permeates the schools and the profession. There are still formalists, but not many.


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:57 AM
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One of the few American legal scholars to have been awarded the Iron Cross.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:58 AM
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92: Sounds good ... if he makes you feel nice there's no down side now. My now-60-year-old climbing partner has two children under the age of four. His delightful and much younnger wife is rather counting on him being doddering soon so that she can raise them the way she wants.


Posted by: bill | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:59 AM
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Also, with surprisingly prescient views on Post-it notes.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:59 AM
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I feel like the intersection of "restaurant owner" and "Linux expert" must be pretty small, but maybe I'm just ignorant of what sorts of people own restaurants?


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:59 AM
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This is the update thread?
1. Daughter fell and hurt her shoulder. Went to shoulder doc today look at her shoulder. And discovered giant lump and bruise on her forward. Group home people hadn't seen it and couldn't explain it to me.....ug.

2. Still single. No significant other.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:00 PM
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Re: unlikely-sounding second jobs for lawyers, we can't forget everyone's favorite lawyer/dentist/truther Orly Taitz, whom I believe is running for CA AG. She at least used to have a blog, and I asked her if she helped sue herself for malpractice when things went poorly, and if so what that did to her insurance premiums. She esponded with a straight answer about ethics and conflict of interest, at least seeming to believe that someone would actually ask it seeking clarification on the matter.


Posted by: grumbles | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:00 PM
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I'm kind of ashamed of myself. But not really motivated to do better work in future.

You just...get me.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:01 PM
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It's an Eeyore thing.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:02 PM
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113: that has got to be horribly distressing, yikes.

grumbles, what is your field?


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:03 PM
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re: 112

I expect the bar for being a 'Linux expert' is pretty low. If you know how to use a bash shell, edit conf stuff in /etc, and use a package manager, you'd probably count as an 'expert' by most standards.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:08 PM
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100: no first family.

112: people who used to be programmers, got rich, and then took on a pet project.

re: lie -- he said to get past women's screening filters, which he thought were unrealistic relative to their own real life behavior. I think he said -- though I don't remember now exactly -- that he meant to tell me the first time we met and forgot, and wanted to be sure he told me the second so he wouldn't be lying to me any more.

Whether we're out of the 1/2+7 woods actually depends on when precisely his birthday is. Anyway, it's less about social appropriateness, and more about how much of a kid's life he'd be around for, etc., or if I envisioned staying with him for a long time, what it would be like when he's old and I'm not yet. I think all that's reasonable, but I just haven't found the world to be so abundant with nice, available people to date who I'm heartily attracted to and interested in and who are also my age. My own screening filters are unrealistic relative to my real life behavior.


Posted by: Tia | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:11 PM
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My first thought was "I wonder what restaurant" because I am not much good as a person.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:15 PM
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My first thought was "serial killer." I'm not sure what that says about my person.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:16 PM
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I almost had a walking commute but then it turned out they forgot to mention I'm working in a different town from where I interviewed. Sad trombone!

So we're also getting a car. Halford is welcome to do the shopping for us but I imagine 2008 Japanese subcompacts are not the most exciting vicarious shopping trip.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:18 PM
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I'm making arrangements to meet Selah's mom (and her new-ish partner, I think) this weekend, after which Lee will feel comfortable having Selah visit with her too. I already see so many differences in this baby who was loved and cared for appropriately from very early on and I think having her in a position where she'll have known her mom for as long as she can remember would be a really good thing. I have a bad feeling she's going to ask us if we would be willing to be her baby's adoptive parents if it comes to that, but I hope we won't have to have that conversation or deal with the reality of it for a while at least.

I don't know if it's medication or that settlement discussions have finally begun after two years or what, but Lee is being pleasant and as active as she can be as a parent, even getting up in the night with Selah sometimes. I still do the bulk of it, in part because of the 30s/50s divide, but she's being great when she is involved with them, which is such a relief.

On the other hand, I've been in particularly bad pain lately and the recent torrential rain sent a tiny amount of sewage into our basement and much, much more into those of the neighbors who share the same alley main pipe. But the sewage authority so far says it can't have been a problem with their pipe and it's just a coincidence that the only problem in the neighborhood was 100% of the houses in this one section of pipe, therefore we're liable for our own cleanup/pipe fixing. I think we're fine on that front regardless, but blech.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:19 PM
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113: Systems engineering/devops. Linux is what everyone wants, but also heavy Solaris, and worked with many of the other also-rans. Some Windows, when I've had to. Database development/administration - Oracle, Mysql, Postgres, mainly. Fairly language-agnostic development, although the thought of writing Java again makes me consider the advantages of picking up a heroin habit.

My main problem is that my last couple of jobs haven't tracked what the cool kids like these days - Nosql, Rails, AWS.


Posted by: grumbles | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:23 PM
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113: Systems engineering/devops. Linux is what everyone wants, but also heavy Solaris, and worked with many of the other also-rans. Some Windows, when I've had to. Database development/administration - Oracle, Mysql, Postgres, mainly. Fairly language-agnostic development, although the thought of writing Java again makes me consider the advantages of picking up a heroin habit.

My main problem is that my last couple of jobs haven't tracked what the cool kids like these days - Nosql, Rails, AWS.


Posted by: grumbles | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:23 PM
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Doh. Sorry.


Posted by: grumbles | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:24 PM
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120: I had the same thought.


Posted by: Mr. Blandings | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:24 PM
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Need more details. What flavor Linux does this guy use? Where does he stand on Gnome 2 vs. Gnome 3? How many terminals does he have open right now?


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:27 PM
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Nosql
The little-bitchiest of all query languages.
My dog walking partner has recently begun occasionally bringing her boyfriend along. He's nice, but one of the few advantages to having almost no human contact is that I so rarely felt like a third wheel. Or fifth, if you count the dogs who are besties.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:30 PM
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Are you at all interesting in a quick tour in/under the naieldoB? If you haven't been, I mean.

Can't speak for GB, but I certainly would be.


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:33 PM
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To 119 et al, I'm sure I've told the story of my colleague who, about 5 years ago, had his 6 year old on a soccer team with Robert Evans' 6 year old daughter. He showed up to the games. Wouldn't it be awesome to be Robert Evans' eighth wife? I think so, and he probably has more time to be a Dad now that he doesn't do anything other than be 80, be awesome, and tell stories.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:34 PM
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I don't think it'd be that great. He'd claim credit for everything good the kid did and blame everything bad on Altman.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:38 PM
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I think the Forrester is a good car, and actually would love to assist in shopping for 5 yr old subcompacts. What is your price range? The key to car negotiation for a used car lis to do the following: pick the exact model you want (down to all specifics), then spend 5-6 hours doing a nationwide Internet search until you can find the lowest possible price, doesn't matter where. Then you just insist on that price until they get within some reasonable-ish range, like under $500, or walk. Having documentary evidence will stiffen your resolve. For a new car you can try something similar but it's harder to do and why would you buy a new car anyway.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:42 PM
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Deciding not to go to the Paul McCartney concert for which tickets go on sale tomorrow.

Rory was willing to invest a shocking amount of her own money to go see Sir Paul in Chicago. So it shall be. I am not terribly excited about the show itself, but I am excited about her excitement about the show.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:44 PM
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I've bought enough used lemons in my day. Was very happy when I bought a new car and it turned out to be completely reliable.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:44 PM
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119: I say grab happiness now and worry about shit only when it hits the fan or just before. All the catastrophizing I or the people I know have done has ALL been wrong.


Posted by: biohazard | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:47 PM
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133: nationwide internet search = carfinder?


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:53 PM
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I'm probably going to try to move from my old Forester to something more fuel efficient now that I'm in a milder climate.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:53 PM
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why would you buy a new car anyway.

I


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:54 PM
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why would you buy a new car anyway.

I [heart] warranties, I don't trust sellers, and I'd rather have the first 150k of a car's life rather than the last.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:54 PM
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This might not be the worst May Day ever, (I mean, that would probably be 1888 or 1934 or something), but I'm pretty down on radicals right now.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:55 PM
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I'm tempted to spend far too much on Springsteen tickets because he's coming to town to play in a very small, historic venue. On the one hand, it's a lot of $$ and I've seen him 3 times before; OTOH, Lord knows he puts on a great show.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:56 PM
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137 -- them, plus autotrader, plus just do some google searches once you know the exact make+model+features that you want. The key is deciding on all of that first, then negotiating.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:57 PM
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It's not just May Day, it's also officially "Law Day" in the US.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 12:58 PM
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Just heard about the McCartney final Candlestick concert (site of the last public Beatles' concert apparently). I guess that is kind of interesting and/or apt.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:00 PM
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I just had the stupidest meeting which reinforced my dislike of my job.

I keep applying for jobs outside of academia (NGOs) but never hear from them. Am I doing something wrong? I tailor my cover letters and have good references (I think, not my current bosses obvs). Should I be cold calling/emailing about jobs? I'm applying for advertised positions.


Posted by: Sir John A. | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:00 PM
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144: I thought Loyalty Day. (and now I'm sure it is.)


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:01 PM
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Also, linux knowledge is one of those areas that has me apprehensive about my new job, as per 30 above. But my workplace has actual IT so presumably I mostly will need to know how to use stuff or ask people to help configure stuff. I use Linux at home and am always searching for how to do things. I usually get them to work but without knowing if I've left some big security hole or set myself up for a problem that others would anticipate and avoid. Because there's just so many ways to do some of these things.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:01 PM
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And national prayer day, according to someone on FB.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:02 PM
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148: that's pretty much 90% of people who use linux professionally, so hey what can you do.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:03 PM
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know the exact make+model+features that you want. The key is deciding on all of that first, then negotiating.

I basically got AWD free on my VW because I really, really didn't want it, but the dealer couldn't find a car with my exact set of preferred options anywhere (it was technically available, but in practice they basically didn't ship any to the States). I'm a terrible negotiator, but since I was genuinely opposed to getting AWD, I was able to stand my ground until the dealer reduced the price by IIRC 80% of the AWD option.

In the event, it make AB much more confident driving a standard, so it turned out to be worth having, but I'm glad I saved a bunch of money on it.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:04 PM
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I am going to see Springsteen in New Orleans on Saturday at Jazz Fest! Basically, things are looking up.


Posted by: Tia | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:05 PM
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145: Especially since he also did a show at either Shea (closing) or CitiField (opening), with Shea having been the Beatles' first US stadium concert (they did smaller venues their first time across the States)


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:06 PM
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A moment''s research reveals that he both closed Shea and opened Citi.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:12 PM
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Didn't some absurd boy band do the same with Three Rivers/Heinz?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:15 PM
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146: I have had the feeling lately that it is a 100% impossible time to change careers. It's an employer's market, I guess, and I see entry level positions that ask for three years of experience (yeah, I don't know!) and I apply for things I'm pretty sure I'm qualified for and don't get so much as a form email back.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:16 PM
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Halford, it sounds like it'd help to know what we can reasonably expect before we work on a hard and fast dollar figure. I think we want something along the lines of a Honda Fit and don't have a ton of other qualifiers (I imagine we'd both prefer manual transmission but on carfinder I keep only seeing automatic.) How do we get from that to a number higher than which we will not go?


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:19 PM
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156: Yes. I put several hours into my application and you can't even send a form email to say the position has been filled?

(I have skills that would allow me to do that for you if you'd like)


Posted by: Sir John A. | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:19 PM
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80/85/86: Thanks a lot, this is very helpful. (Plus I live close to an Arizmendi.)


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:21 PM
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yet I remain in a funk. And as a consequence I seem to be eating too much and sleeping too little. WTF, me?

This is a feedback loop, so it is no wonder it is hard to break. Exercise, perhaps a walk in the evening, would be one way to break the whole thing at once (if the funk has a light hold only). But if that is more than someone in a funk can get hold of at once, I'd say to approach it from the pleasantest angle. I bet if your sleep improved, the rest would shift at least somewhat.

Can you prioritize sleep? (The usual: no screens before bed, standard bedtimes, bedroom for only sleeping and sex, etc) Gretchen Rubin made a point that I hadn't realized but found true, that there comes a time when you can be too tired to get up and go to bed. It would mean too much teeth brushing and shutting down the house and changing clothes. So you just hit refresh and spend two more hours on your screen. You might need the awareness to start getting ready for bed before that point.

...since you asked me for my advice and all.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:21 PM
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I've been seeing someone for several months, and it's really great. And that's all I'm going to say about it, because otherwise nosflow will tease me for my tendency towards over-enthusiasm in these matters.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:25 PM
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106: Thanks, ttaM, that's really useful to know. Will plan accordingly.

I've been in the doB far less than I ought to have been and would love a proper tour.


Posted by: Gabardine Bathyscaphe | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:26 PM
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157 -- do a little, less extensive research (ie, just look it up on the Kelly BB). But the first step is to go around to a few lots and look at/test drive a few different models. If you're thinking a Fit I'd also strongly consider a post-2010 Mazda 3, get the hatchback and, if you want to be awesome, a Mazdaspeed.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:26 PM
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That's not really enough for us to pick a nickname.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:26 PM
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164 to 161.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:27 PM
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Very helpful, thanks!


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:27 PM
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164: EXCITE-HORSE?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:27 PM
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Halford, remind me, I may want to ask you car questions at some point.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:31 PM
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Not for the first time have I wished that Megan would be my life coach. It would be unrewarding and unpaid for her, and I probably wouldn't actually change my behavior, but I like her advice.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:32 PM
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164: Secret Horse.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:33 PM
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We have a Fit and have found it to be an entirely bland reliable car that I never think about. If that is also what you are looking for, I can recommend it!


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:33 PM
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Further to 163, to be more clear, first do a little bit of random internet searching, look at the Kelly BB price to get a rough range and a few possible models you'd like and that seem like theyd be somewhere in the zone. Next, spend a weekend afternoon or two going to different lots and look at a bunch of options until you find something that you really like. Then it's time to do the ultra-intensive internet research, so that you have a low price on a precise model with precise features. Then, either go back to one of the lots you were at before, or do a local seach to find a dealer that has what you want or something very very close, go to that dealer, and negotiate (also get the CarFax at that time before you do anything). The key is not to buy a car during steps 1 and 2.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:34 PM
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163: No VW Golf TDI rec? C'mon, that's got to be more fun than either.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:34 PM
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What do you need advice on, Eggplant?

I have a good track record with some people who would very likely have done fine anyway. You've already done the two most important steps, by having a short commute and a dog you like.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:35 PM
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Oh I thought of another TALK ABOUT ME item: I think in the next couple of weeks I might go get my medical marijuana card so I can begin my transformation into a carefree stoner surfer California Aquarian chakra whatever, I mean "cure my insomnia."


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:35 PM
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The TDI fuel economy is awesome, but IMO the Mazda 3 is a more fun car.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:36 PM
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170 was me, and without seeing 167.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:37 PM
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I would probably get a Prius but the visibility is so horrible compared to what I've gotten used to.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:37 PM
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I want everybody to buy either a mini or a GTI, but 1. I cannot in good conscience actually recommend the lattter and 2. recognize that maybe people find the former a little bit small (although it's really not as small as you think).


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:38 PM
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Relationship: how to get one.
Friends: how to get some.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:39 PM
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Relationship: how to get some.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:42 PM
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Ooh, I'd be up for an Oxford lunch on Thursday. Would probably have Kid D with me, but she's the least objectionable of my children.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:42 PM
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You can't just stack Californian words together like that. You were doing fine up until the end, but chakra is not a type of person, Smearcase. With that kind of error, I doubt the sincerity of your efforts to blend with us.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:43 PM
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Eggplant, do you like people?


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:43 PM
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I have to insist we move away from equine nicknames, difficult though that may be.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:45 PM
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but chakra is not a type of person

A chakra is something that needs to be unblocked, like a Boston toilet.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:46 PM
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EXCITE-TROUT?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:46 PM
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Good luck getting people here to drop a worn out joke.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:46 PM
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Jokes don't wear out; they become more supple and appealing with decades of use.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:48 PM
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Chaka Con-law.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:48 PM
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190 to not being a horse.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:49 PM
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Something with frogs might be acceptable. She's fond of frogs.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:50 PM
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Henceforth, she shall be Something-with-frogs!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:50 PM
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I like the idea of people.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:51 PM
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192: Have you turned into a prince yet?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:51 PM
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Chiro Trout Lava.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:53 PM
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Is she a frog blogger?


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:57 PM
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Yeah, if you don't like being around people a lot, it is hard to advise the saturation method (just go be around a lot of people until some of them click).

Are you making any effort to date, espcially online? Towards the end, I became a fan of the 'close filters, fewer dates' approach. Also the 'show exactly who I am, because life's too short to go on mismatched dates' approach. Do you answer ads?


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:57 PM
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180: Given the century, don't pretty much all relationships start with online dating? Or meeting people in blog comments, but given that Unfogged has failed to come through for you, then online dating.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:58 PM
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182: yay!


Posted by: Gabardine Bathyscaphe | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 1:58 PM
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You can't just stack Californian words together like that. You were doing fine up until the end, but chakra is not a type of person, Smearcase. With that kind of error, I doubt the sincerity of your efforts to blend with us.

I feel your contempt, deep down in my prana.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:00 PM
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Rana Del Ley would be kinda funny, if grammatically incorrect.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:00 PM
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Yeah, I should give the OKCupid thing another try. I had a hard time getting past the idea of representing myself as someone worth being in a relationship with.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:04 PM
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Lying is a timehonored dating tradition -- haven't you been reading the thread?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:07 PM
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Something With Frogs is my favorite Kevin Costner movie.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:07 PM
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175: So worth it, until you're job hunting and freaking out about hair tests and has your hair grown out enough that there's no portion of the length that's still contaminated. But if you're no longer job hunting, it rocks.


Posted by: Chopper | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:07 PM
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80.3: Actually, there will be plenty of alcohol at the event - they do lots of treatment without being blanket anti-alcohol.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:09 PM
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176: Is there a trick to making the Mazda3 fun? I got one as a rental, and it was definitely not fun. The diesel VWs are lots of fun, although I was thinking Golf was more comparable than a TDI in price to a Fit.

203.2 doesn't really sound like an online dating specific problem. Can you include a pic of the dog? I bet that's helpful.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:10 PM
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If I give you an advice (moderately easy), will you follow it for two weeks?

As an aside, you would be shocked by how low the bar for an ad worth answering became. By the end, I was looking for:

Graduated from a UC.
No TV (this was probably the filter that mattered, all said and done).
Clean writing.
Can get through the ad and first correspondence without actively insulting me or other women.

If you think you could cross hurdles about that high, you have outstripped most of the online dating community (for dating people like me).


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:12 PM
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But seriously -- you're entertaining, like all Unfogged commenters I've met you're devastatingly handsome, you can get a clogged sink unstopped -- what's not to want to date? Go, start answering ads.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:13 PM
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209: You were using "no TV" as a filter? That seems like it'd cut way, way down on your pool of possibles.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:14 PM
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204 to 209.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:14 PM
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Sorry. 204 to 211.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:15 PM
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I've been trying to get the girlfriend to agree to us getting a new car to replace her old and otherwise awful car, which is becoming a bit of a money pit but mainly I just hate it (she uses it for work all the time, for which it's fine; I mostly use it for big grocery hauls or out-of-town trips and the thing is so LOUD and uncomfortable and doesn't even have an aux jack for music I sometimes just rent a car instead). This is becoming urgent because the a/c died late last summer, and we need to either fix it or get something else before it gets disgusting out. So far the only compromise she's been willing to consider--and only consider, because let's not go crazy here!--is a used Fit. Which I guess is fine but boy they look tiny. And though I hate to admit it, if I'm going to actually buy a car for the first time since college I'd kind of like to splurge a little on something kind of fun.


Posted by: potchkeh | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:16 PM
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Yes, and now believe it was finally the right signal.

There were too many possibles, most of them wanted to tell me horrible confidences on the first date, and they weren't really compatible. 'No TV' is narrow but it reached the other guy in this entire town who wants my lifestyle.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:16 PM
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I assume the "no TV" requirement is to select for cutting-edge techno-geeks who watch TV on their computers instead.


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:18 PM
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The Fit has done well for camping, dog, and garden supplies. It does seem a couple inches shy of being able to throw a bike in the back.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:19 PM
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I am, as is known, pro-OKCupid.

But then in discussions of such things I also always end up quoting Deborah Eisenberg.

"I did go out now and again, of course, but in a perfunctory, frog-kissing sort of spirit, and a frog, in my experience, is a frog to the finish."


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:20 PM
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No TV and no beer make Homer something something.


Posted by: Homer J. Simpson | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:21 PM
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How strict is "no TV?" Is it "don't even own.." or is it "watch no regular shows, go days without turning on, etc.?


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:24 PM
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Can you include a pic of the dog?
I've got that covered. My last profile had a set of pictures of me with my extremely adorable cat.
If I give you an advice (moderately easy), will you follow it for two weeks?
This sounds like a trap, but I guess I asked for this. Ok.
Clean writing.
God, you're just like all those other women.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:26 PM
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215: I've used that same filter. It does help cut down the population worth considering. As does ignoring anyone in my age range who lists Anita Blake novels*, talks about how funny they are, or won't answer any sex questions.


* I've read some of them, too. But they aren't going to hit a tom-n list anytime soon.

183: "We are Bay Aryans from Berkeley: prepare to be reengineered in an attractive range of color schemes for your safety and comfort!"


Posted by: grumbles | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:30 PM
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221: Are you looking for ladies or gentlemen? For ladies, I suspect dog is better than cat, no matter how adorable. I'm not sure why.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:31 PM
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God, you're just like all those other women.

That has to be the opening line of your profile.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:32 PM
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Post a picture of your extremely adorable cat in the flickr feed so we can see your extremely adorable cat offer helpful advice.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:32 PM
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I meant "I don't even own..." and got another of the same. He does watch shows on his laptop sometimes.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:33 PM
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Ladies. My dog is also adorable, but I'm not sure I have any pictures of him being adorable with me in the frame. Except maybe the one with him sleeping with his face resting on mine.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:34 PM
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Damnit, is that what's going to make me finally bother heebie for access? Thanks for nothing, Smearcase.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:34 PM
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225: Will do, when I get home.


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:37 PM
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OK Eggplant. Here's your assignment. You said you'd follow it because I'm your life coach.

Write down six to ten reasons you would be a good person to date. Read them out loud (out loud! That matters.) every morning and night. If you want to read them to your dog, who already thinks you hung the moon, that would be fine. If you want to say them to an empty room, also fine. But out loud morning and night.

Not sarcastic. Not self-deprecating. At least six reasons you would be a good partner for someone, but you don't have to come up with more than ten.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:38 PM
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227: Aww. Maybe have your dog walking buddy take a few more so you have options?


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:38 PM
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Just got back from lovely lunch with glowingly pregnant friend, incipient baby by way of happy healthy relationship with charming guy found via okuberputti. Ahhhh.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:40 PM
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Hmmm I think I'm going to see what I think of the good reasons to be in a relationship with me on the walk home tonight. Good to reflect on whether I'm pulling my weight...


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:46 PM
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229 KITTIES HOORAY

I want life coaching, too.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:46 PM
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My boyfriend, who had gone on a few dates and kept track of more profiles than he went out with, realized about a year ago that every single woman he'd gone out with or written a few times was now partnered or married. (Keeping track by way of the small town or seeing their Facebook statuses change.) Eventually online dating does work.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:47 PM
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First, Smearcase, we need to expore which of your chakras is blocked, causing your energy to stagnate.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:48 PM
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230 is fulfilling every California stereotype I have.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:50 PM
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Careful, Smearcase. I usually trust Megan, but 236 could be a chakra con.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:52 PM
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Write down six to ten reasons you would be a good person to date.

Interesting assignment.

Reading it I realize that I don't have a fleshed out mental category for "good person to date." For myself I could write down reasons why I'm a good friend, but when I frame it as "good person to date" I mentally freeze up and start second-guessing, "wait, does that count? Is that true?"


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:53 PM
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No, ChakraCon is in Mount Shasta every July.


Posted by: Minivet | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 2:55 PM
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To think of myself as a good person to date/marry, I have to go into "there's a lid for every pot" territory. I'd almost certainly annoy the hell out of almost everyone out there; on the other hand, Buck likes having me around, and presumably has reasons.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:03 PM
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It is fine if you want to start your list with a qualification.

For the right person:

I am...


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:05 PM
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Oh 240 is perfect in every way, minivet!


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:06 PM
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I refuse to believe 230 is serious.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:08 PM
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241: To think of myself as a good person to date/marry, I have to go into "there's a lid for every pot" territory.

Where does the fact that you are currently married go on the list? Or maybe doesn't make the top six-to-ten.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:09 PM
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Coach urple now, Megan.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:09 PM
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245: Hypothetically-single me, smart guy.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:12 PM
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Urple isn't open to my coaching.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:13 PM
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I'm bossy too! Who can I coach?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:16 PM
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I was going to ask if anyone could coach me to be more diligent in my work and spend less time here, but...


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:33 PM
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You need unf for that coaching . . .


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:37 PM
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Bob is the real master.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:41 PM
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I totally just bought one of those kombucha chia drinks. That's how deadly serious I am about becoming West Coast woo woo vegan yoga whatever.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:52 PM
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It is way less gross than the other time I tried kombucha, though with the chia, I have the impression of drinking flavored pond water.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:53 PM
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Kitty porn uploaded. It might take me two weeks to come up with 6-10 reasons. How fine grained can these reasons be?


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:54 PM
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That is a very fine cat.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:56 PM
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It helps if you can start with one reason that's 6-10, IYKWIMAITTYD.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 3:59 PM
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Fine grained is great. The more detail the better. Here, try two of each.

Something about who you would be to your (future) sweetheart. (a good listener because I'm good at remembering details from stories I hear, a boost to your confidence because I drop compliments easily)

Something about what a relationship would bring out in you (someone who takes over the gifts and thank you notes, someone who goes to things around town now that I have someone to do it with, someone can take care of some joined aspect of life).

Something about what you already have to offer (good at monogamy (if that's your style), or good at non-judgment, or good at catching jokes).

Think about who you would be in a good relationship with someone that matches you well. Describe that six to ten ways.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:12 PM
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Non-judgmental about being covered in cat hair.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:14 PM
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Or, if that's not the case, probably reliably possessed of lint rollers.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:16 PM
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I am still in the ongoing struggle with back problems but I seem to mostly have the upper hand (apart from a horrible Easter weekend).
Work kind of sucks and I don't want to be bothered talking about it.
I have signed up to do a professional development class in a subject I am interested in. The work is not that difficult but the "blended learning" coursework is a bit annoying. I will have to do jaysusin' video blogs, for all love.
I am in a great mood right this minute because for nearly the first time I have been able to get out right from the start of the sailing season (started last week). Earlier tonight I was out on the water and it just makes me so happy.
I have been neglecting Okcherub completely and in fact have never really done much on it apart from a few half hearted messages. Noticeable that I logged in the other day and now I have received a couple of "likes". I don't have a problem with thinking I might be a good person to be in a relationship with, what I have a hard time is imagining that someone would find me attractive and also I just can't imagine how I will be able to let someone see me naked.


Posted by: emir | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:18 PM
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Non-judgmental about being possessed by lint rollers.


Posted by: dz | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:19 PM
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Non-possessive of cat hair.


Posted by: dz | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:19 PM
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To think of myself as a good person to date/marry, I have to go into "there's a lid for every pot" territory

Yes, me too. Known in our house as Jedes Töpfchen find' sein Deckelchen.


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:28 PM
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That renders correctly here in the comments, but not on the rss.


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:30 PM
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261.very last - Do you not have either wine or light switches? Surely this is not a big stumbling block.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:36 PM
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I am trying to schedule a couple of last home visits and am unapologetically ranking people by depressingness. Hoarder & Clutterer? NOPE!


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:39 PM
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Which confirms the "Everything sounds sinister in German" rule.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:40 PM
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266: yes but morning does arrive, bringing with it sobriety.
What worries me is that my fears might ruin the moment. It's been such a shockingly long time.


Posted by: emir | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:42 PM
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268 to 264.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:43 PM
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I thought it was adorable! But then I call the kid my petit poussin bien rôti avec de la moutarde. Et du gros sel, if I'm feeling extravagant.

Also when we were taking German I used to annoy the teacher by making up new words, my favorite was knieppenhoppen.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:45 PM
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269: Faint heart ne'er won fair [whatever it is you're looking for in someone to see you naked]. I mean, it's easy for me to exhort you to be courageous about this sort of thing from a distance, but still, don't talk yourself out of a chance of enjoying yourself.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:48 PM
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Presumably if you have arrived at the moment that could be ruined, it will not have been so shockingly long since you made out, or did some necking. Escalation by way of intermediate activities could reassure you that you would both enjoy the moment, however it turns out.

Besides, first moments are rarely so awful as to be dealbreakers. Lots of people expect the first moment to set a baseline that is very likely to improve with more practice.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:48 PM
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Besides which, and this is to all of you dating people:

Rejecting you is someone else's job. Don't do it for them.

You have plenty of work to do (figuring out what you want, making clear kind offers, rejecting people you don't want, taking rejection graciously). You have plenty to do. Rejecting you is the other person's job.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:52 PM
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[Originally posted in the IRA thread] Somewhere in the archives (everything is in the archives, you know) is a post where Ogged notes that people with non-media-perfect bodytypes often look better naked than clothed. I've seen the same observation made elsewhere.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:52 PM
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I remember a similar observation by Suzie Bright, back in those long-ago Salon-reading days. In her case a reflection on visiting a nudist colony. She also said bodies age much slower than heads.


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 4:57 PM
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UV rays are the devil.


Posted by: dairy queen | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 5:00 PM
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Oh, I missed will's 113.1 - that's truly scary, and I hope it never happens again. It makes me crazy when caregivers don't notice obvious injuries (this happens occasionally to my grandmother). Hope her shoulder heals quickly, too.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 5:01 PM
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Strongly agree with 275. I think a big majority of people look beautiful naked.


Posted by: dz | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 5:41 PM
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269.1: Sometimes morning forgets and afternoon has to bring sobriety.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 6:06 PM
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Megan is crushing the dating advice. I have made this recommendation before, but one of the things that I loved about Mrs. K-sky's profile was that she had a list of fourteen things that she wanted. I took it as a quiz; gave myself twelve yeses, one unanswerable ("you know me") and one asterisk ("you are ready to settle down" -- probably, but didn't want to push my luck with only four months since the ex and I had split for good); and told her that I'd gotten a solid B. I don't actually remember many of the things she was looking for, but one of them was "you are a freak who has his shit together," which, well, not a FREAK freak but a weirdo who has a job in a suit.

Which is to say, if you know what you want, don't be afraid to ask for it. If someone sees that you are looking for them, they are going to be interested even if they can't yet tell if they are looking for you.


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 6:24 PM
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That last line is very good.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 6:40 PM
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|| So, yesterday someone put bunches of yellow, red, and black balloons at the entrance to our neighborhood. Today, they added big yellow, red, and black ribbons. At the victims's house, there's a huge flower shrine, with more yellow red, and black balloons. Well more than half the houses in the neighborhood have the ribbons on trees or mailboxes, as does every single house, other than the shooter's, on the shooter's little cul-de-sac. Shooter has to drive by the victim's shrine to go anywhere are all (and nearly a mile of houses adorned with ribbons), and it's probably visible out each of his back windows. We were out when the ribbons went up, but will have ours up tomorrow.

I imagine the shooter was thinking he'd be some kind of hero, what with the Code of the West and all that. Oops. |>


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 6:49 PM
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Thanks.

And let's talk about me! My freelancing is booming, in a way that eats up my time with stuff I can do well enough but don't particularly want to be doing, haven't figured out how to make real money off of, and gets in the way of me doing the creative work I supposedly want to be doing.

I try to schedule time to push the boulder up the hill, but it's been two years since my TV writing partner and I split up and I have yet to produce an original TV sample that I can stand behind. I'm starting to think TV is just not going to happen -- I haven't enjoyed trying to write TV pilots on my own, and I don't have a partner lined up. But I still really want to do it.

My feature, written with a different partner, is moving ahead extremely slowly, but people still seem to want to make it, and we're going to do a table read on Monday and hopefully sign an option by the end of the month. (For ten ceremonial dollars.) This option has been under negotiation since last summer, so while this is generally a good thing, I'm not super optimistic about this progress. The hope is that the director and producer actually start taking over most of the work, and my partner and I get to write another feature so we have something to show if this goes anywhere.

I am loving having a kid. On good days, it gives me a sense of lowered stakes, as in, it's enough to just plug along and try to do enough creative work not to go insane. But mostly I compare myself to everyone else (everyone I did my TV writing fellowship with in 2009 has gotten staffed) and get caught up in a sense of declining possibility and squandered inspiration. But sometimes I don't.


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 6:51 PM
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I know some of you love video. |>


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 6:53 PM
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I'm starting to think TV is just not going to happen -- I haven't enjoyed trying to write TV pilots on my own, and I don't have a partner lined up. But I still really want to do it.

Have you considered inventing a partner? Or maybe finding a stuffed animal -- ostrich? -- and pretending it can talk, and is your partner? Then when you write the lightly fictionalized episodic treatment of your descent into madness you'll be writing it in collaboration with your delusion, also a character in the story, and you can hit all those meta beats the studios eat up!

Call the ostrich maybe "Carl" or something, or if that seems trite something fun and biblical-ish like "Azazel".


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:00 PM
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(For ten ceremonial dollars.)

Canada is actually a real place with real money.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:09 PM
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286 reminds that I did reread the Adaptation script recently. That was a good idea. I should work harder at trying to rip off Charlie Kaufman.


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:16 PM
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288: yes, yes, but do it as Charlie Kaufman. Headfake!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:18 PM
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287: The place is imaginary, but its money is real.

(And its famous/infamous Chris Farley Tribute Mayor, around whom there is a decided air of unreality, has just gone into rehab, for real).


Posted by: Just Plain Jane | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:21 PM
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Charlie, have you been following the German media coverage? If not, have a taste: Deutsche Teenager in den USA: "Meine Mitschüler verteidigen den Schützen"


Posted by: teraz kurwa my | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:40 PM
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268 to 291.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:45 PM
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I should probably sign on to the "need a friend and a relationship" plan except that I'm supposed to have a relationship here at home and am slowly working on that in counseling etc. but could probably use feeling like I'm worth being with as much as Eggplant and others could. For friends it's still necessary to leave the house more than I do. Ugh.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:50 PM
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We're going through a big reorganization at work, which will be good for the agency as a whole and particularly good for me personally. (No one is getting fired, they're just restructuring the org chart so it makes more sense and people with similar functions are grouped together.) Among the changes is that I'm going to be supervising people for the first time, which should be an interesting challenge. So yeah, work is going well.

Dating, meh, not much going on. I've been kind of frustrated with OkCupid lately, but I did recently get a couple of notifications that I've been rated highly by people who seem interesting, so there's that.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:52 PM
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German diminutives sound annoyingly cutesy, not sinister. On the other hand the headline I posted is sinister 'German teenagers in the USA: My classmates defend the shooter'


Posted by: teraz kurwa my | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:55 PM
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My girlfriend seems pretty unhappy with her current city and some aspects of her current job. Apparently one of her colleagues and her department chair have started suggesting to her that they might try to make me a job offer, and she's made noncommittal noises in response. Which is awkward, because I don't want to move there and she says that she can't imagine living there in the long term either, but she doesn't seem to want to directly tell them that.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 7:57 PM
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294.1: I'm finding that I'm completely inept at supervising people, but I guess it's easier if they can't just kind of wander away for a month without doing anything the way students tend to.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:00 PM
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I have no idea how competent I'll be as a supervisor, but the specific people I'm supervising seem to be pretty competent and hardworking, so I'm hoping that will make it easier.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:03 PM
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296.last: Does she want me to email her department chair and let him/her know that?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:03 PM
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That is, of the two people I'll be supervising, I know one is competent and hardworking because he's been there as long as I have and we've worked together quite closely throughout that time. The other one just started today but she seems like she'll also do well.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:04 PM
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299: I think he should just wait until they make him and offer and then decline it.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:05 PM
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German diminutives sound annoyingly cutesy, not sinister.

Ergo, T&A actress Uschi Digard (cutesy), slightly preferable to Ursula Digard (sinister).


Posted by: Cryptic ned | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:06 PM
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298: Ah, that sounds good. Congrats on the new responsibilities.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:07 PM
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Thanks.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:08 PM
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How many terminals does he have open right now?

How do tmux and screen fit into this calculation?


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:12 PM
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302 -- Hey!


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 8:32 PM
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I was famous for being good at writing personal ads. My last one (I think, unless it was the one before that) said I wanted to date someone out of my league. Ask and you might get.


Posted by: Mister Smearcase | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 9:32 PM
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I need to work on my OkCupid profile if I'm going to serious get back into it. Right now it's deliberately evasive to the point of near hostility to anyone trying to actually learn anything about me.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:10 PM
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Mine were pretty good, too. My strategy was to post a lot of dorky shit and pictures of myself not looking particularly good, and usually, the outcome was that smart people were interested enough to meet me and surprised to discover they wanted to fuck me.

Guess what you can't really do in a tiny rural town in which the single people are either methheads or your students? (answer: casual sex)


Posted by: AWB | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 10:25 PM
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Monday, a truck turned in front of my bike.
Tuesday in unpleasant traction.
Today, surgery to repair broken vertebra, optimal outcome. Full recovery of function & range of motion is a realistic hope.

Possible path forward at work out of a maze of frustrating constraints.

Anyone else awake?


Posted by: le | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:08 PM
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I am, but probably not for long.

So many things are happening in my professional life at the moment that I really can't keep track. Plus, we're moving, so that adds to the chaos. I'm not complaining, mind you, because most everything's going well, but it's a lot.


Posted by: Den E. Crumb | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:13 PM
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I am also awake. Really sorry to hear about the sequence of events related in 310. I hope everything works out well.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:17 PM
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310 was me. Thanks.

Had a really nice grand canyon visit earlier this month.


Posted by: Lw | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:26 PM
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Glad to hear that. I haven't been to the Grand Canyon in a long time; I should go back some time.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:32 PM
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310: Yowser. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, lw.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:35 PM
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310: holy shit. Glad you're (relatively speaking) okay.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:53 PM
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310: holy shit. Glad you're (relatively speaking) okay.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:53 PM
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Guess what you can't really do in a tiny rural town in which the single people are either methheads or your students? (answer: casual sex)

Well, it's not impossible...

(But, yes, generally a bad idea in both cases, although I can only attest to one from personal experience.)


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 1-14 11:57 PM
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310 - fuck. Glad mending you is going well so far. Fucking trucks.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 12:12 AM
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Harold Feld has an important message about net neutrality. Your action is required: http://www.wetmachine.com/tales-of-the-sausage-factory/tom-wheeler-and-the-defining-question-of-network-neutrality/

(Also, Wheeler is tacking back towards Title II: http://www.cnet.com/uk/news/fcc-chairman-says-there-will-be-no-internet-fast-lane/)


Posted by: Alex | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 12:27 AM
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14:

I'm in one of my cycles of wondering if I can swing a total career change into something that either I'd be better at taking seriously, or that I'd be better at doing well despite not taking it seriously.

Wow, I know I'm late to the party, but I had no idea that I am so similar to Lizardbreath. Turns out for me to get a revised manuscript out the door I need to submit an application for some other kind of crazy job. Then I get it out and I'm at peace with work for a while. It's kind of getting old.

This is not so true for new manuscripts. Turns out I just hate R&Rs and, really, any criticism. On that note, I hope Sifu's talk went well but I don't have time to read the full thread to check right now.


Posted by: simulated annealing | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 1:31 AM
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I'm painting myself into a corner, life-wise. I moved to a small town where I feel like the "new girl" at a new high school. I get along with my classmates but I don't have anyone to sit with in the cafeteria.

I had an abortive sexual encounter with a guy half a year ago, when I was visiting the town I now live in. He was so egregiously selfish and bad in bed that I put a stop to everything and went back to my hotel. The more time passes, the more upset I get about what happened, which makes no goddamn sense. Though it might have to do with me feeling old and unattractive, and him being wildly attractive, and me feeling like no one attractive will ever be interested in me again.

My job is tedious and not so stable, but it's the only gig that gives me the flexibility I need.

And on top of everything, yesterday I lost my phone.


Posted by: dagger aleph | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 1:51 AM
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If I can't finish my diss, I am going to be so embarassed. And scooped. And unemployed.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 2:21 AM
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310: Yikes. Glad you have a realistic chance at a full recovery.

And sympathies to everyone reporting problems in this thread.


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 3:01 AM
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Fingers crossed lw. If it's any comfort I knew a guy at college who had been dragged under a truck off his bike and not merely did he make a 97% recovery (full function, some residual discomfort), but he got a payout big enough that he probably never had to work in his life.

I have completely perplexed the doctors with my latest malady, so I'm probably just going to have to live with it. It's Mrs y's turn to be unpleasantly ill, and again there's no straightforward diagnosis. Oh well.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 3:21 AM
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310: Yikes. I hope your recovery goes as quickly and painlessly as possible.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 3:38 AM
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||

NMM2 Al Feldstein (editor of Mad magazine in its pomp)

|>


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 3:41 AM
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The Fit has done well for camping, dog, and garden supplies. It does seem a couple inches shy of being able to throw a bike in the back.

I loved my ex's Fit. It is really bigger on the inside. We used it for camping and weekends away with two full sized bikes. But it was short enough to enable our on street parking-dependent existence. We also transported cases of books, a bow and arrows, a large German shepherd, lumber for small carpentry projects and all the IKEA stuff we ever bought.

The bikes were stolen by a miscreant breaking the back window after we declined to unpack the car during a thunderstorm. But that's hardly the Fit's fault.

If you are under 5'10" you could comfortably nap in the back as well. It doesn't have a particularly fun silhouette or anything. More like obligingly ovoid.


Posted by: ixnaythemetier | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 3:46 AM
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310, 323 sound excruciating in admittedly very different ways.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 3:47 AM
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Recent events have convinced me that I too am pretty bad at supervising people and that I've succeeded professionally so far by hiring people (or taking on students) who basically don't need to be supervised but just need the resources to do their thing.

I've had people in my group who were opinionated, difficult and/or crazy, but they were all quite good at what they did and we managed to work together fine. I've recently encountered my first case of genuine incompetence (in someone working for me, not in general) and have proved totally unable to deal with it.

In my defense, this isn't a student but someone who was hired to be a senior lab manager type (with great references. Thanks a lot!), so I feel somewhat justified in my WTF? reaction.

In short, I'm whining because I'm in the process of getting rid of someone for the first time and it sucks.

#FirstWorldProblem


Posted by: AcademicLurker | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 4:04 AM
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||

The Twilight of Wonkblog: Ezra would not have been snookered by this.

Husbands with 39-year-old wives should be extra nice: Women who are 39 years old are more than four times as likely to sign up for Ashley Madison as women aged 38 or 40.

Does he really think that's more plausible than, oh, I don't know, maybe women looking for an extramarital dalliance at age 40-42 might give their age as 39?

|>


Posted by: knecht ruprecht | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 5:01 AM
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Damn lw, I hope the recovery at least is smooth.


Posted by: teraz kurwa my | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 5:30 AM
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If you are under 5'10" you could comfortably nap in the back as well.

Somebody tell Randy Newman.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 5:43 AM
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Ouch. Was 332 said.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 5:43 AM
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Is Eliezer Yudkowsky brainwashing famous academics now, or what?


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 5:53 AM
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335: huh. I was all set to make a joke about it being a false flag operation by Hawking's voice synthesizer program but one of those authors is a real heavyweight.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 5:55 AM
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one of those authors is a real heavyweight

I presume you're referring to the only one who isn't in my field.

I hadn't heard about this yet, either.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:01 AM
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I presume you're referring to the only one who isn't in my field.

Oops, I meant to add "in AI research." So, yes.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:18 AM
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Anyhow nobody ever asks the people who actually know the answer whether computers are very close to human capabilities (hint one: it isn't AI researchers; hint two: there aren't very many of those people) so generally not believing the hype is the right way to go.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:19 AM
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Teo, congrats on the step up. I got compliments on someone I supervise yesterday, and I had to give her all the credit on the theory that if I accept responsibility for the good ones (and she is very, very good), I'm also responsible for the bad ones. Also, the OKC profile as hostile to anyone curious about you sounds like what you've said about disliking answering personal questions, so maybe it's representative?

Lw, best of luck on recovering. That sounds miserable.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:30 AM
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330: I hear if you hire a female replacement, you get a discount. (Actually, I don't think I've ever seen a male lab manager. Huh.)


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:37 AM
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so generally not believing the hype is the right way to go.

Unless you're looking to attract lots of private funding for your fancy new center, it would appear.

Meanwhile after a number of rejections I seem to have secured a grant large enough to pay for a whopping two and a half months of a postdoc salary per year. My next grant application should totally be about our future cyborg overlords instead of sober plausible stuff that I know how to do.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:38 AM
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My next grant application should totally be about our comet-destroying future cyborg protectors.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:43 AM
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298: I have no idea how competent I'll be as a supervisor, but the specific people I'm supervising seem to be pretty competent and hardworking, so I'm hoping that will make it easier.

I'm sure it will be fine, but the first time I supervised people I had a similar understanding going in of the two or three folks I would be supervising. Then literally on the first Monday one of them called to say that they were getting tests in the hospital for chest pains that they had experienced over the weekend. And then allowed that it was undoubtedly the result of their not having slept or eaten for the past several months. Because major mental breakdown. Which continued to manifest itself if interesting (and sad) ways. Such as when the departmental secretary got a call from x's spouse asking when x was due to return from their work trip remote location y. An interesting question since x was in the office that day and had been for the entire week. HR was about as useful you would expect. Same with many other folks:
"Why doesn't x take course of action z which is clearly in x's best interests?"
"Because x is fucking crazy! It is rationality itself that has fled*! Now stand still so I can kill you easier, you useless cunt!"
Fortunately, my actual boss was useful and helpful.

*Or rationality is being applied to such a wildly different set of perceived facts and desired outcomes that we don't recognize it as such.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:43 AM
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And then allowed that it was undoubtedly the result of their not having slept or eaten for the past several months.

We didn't need meth back then. We had a little thing called Dexedrine.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:47 AM
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I'm responding to Nathan upthread, without having read the intervening comments, sorry: is carsdirect.com still in business? I bought a new car from them...wow, fifteen years ago, and at the time, it was pick your options, get a fair price, and they'd bring it to you on a flatbed--no dealer involved. Since I've never met another person who used them, I kind of doubt they're still around, and don't have time to check.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:49 AM
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339: Not sure who/what area you are referring to (and would be interested in a more specific hint), but I still would like to believe that there are potential interesting discussions to be had on how the various advances are likely to play out. But maybe not possible in our actual interesting world.

Stuff will happen. It will neither be as good as we hope nor as bad as we fear (although current actual politics of the country/world might belie this point). But it will have a significant impact on work, capital and ultimately our conceptions of ourselves.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:52 AM
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345: I thought they had just been on a good diet.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:54 AM
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348: I did make a cringe-worthy "compliment" to a co-worker who I saw once every few months on their weight loss. "Not due to anything good," they replied. The lesson I learned was to not speak to other people unless spoken to and then only reply with mumbled platitudes and generalities.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 6:59 AM
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I once had a long conversation with somebody who clearly knew me but whom I couldn't place. It turned out to be a guy who had lost over 100 pounds and managed to have conversations where he didn't mention that he lost over 100 pounds.

(His secret: swimming)


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:01 AM
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Why did you move to a small town, Dagger Aleph?

Also, good for you for ending a bad encounter. That's second best to lucking into a good one and way better than being passive through the end of the bad one.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:05 AM
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I'm thinking of getting all my new from The Wire because of sentences like this: "Emphasis added, because irony looks better in bold."


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:07 AM
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+s


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:07 AM
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347.1: I don't really know why I called those hints. Anyhow, it would have to be somebody with a solid understanding of both the state of the art in AI research and actual human capacity in the domain at issue.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:13 AM
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354 cont'd: and maybe most importantly, an understanding of what comparing the two entails.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:14 AM
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Thanks for all the kind words. Getting discharged, hooray.


Posted by: le | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:24 AM
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356 me. If only truck drivers could be autocorrected.


Posted by: lw | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:25 AM
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Was the driver texting at the time?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:34 AM
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Congrats on the discharge and best wishes for a quick recovery, lw. That had to have been both massively unpleasant and more than a little frightening.

My own stresses are endurable for now, but my mom has suffered pretty precipitous dementia in the last few months, which distresses her greatly, naturally, and leads to anxiety such that she needs 24-hour care. So, that sucks.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:34 AM
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Megan: I basically moved here so that I can breathe clean air, enjoy beautiful scenery, and go scuba diving every week.

And yeah, it's no small thing to end a bad encounter. Women are trained to be people-pleasers at their own expense but I just won't do it any more.


Posted by: dagger aleph | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:43 AM
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Assholes:

Yes, I would like to receive e-mail from SeaWorld San Antonio and the SeaWorld Parks & Entertainment and I certify that I am over the age of 13.

A single ticky box, in which the clauses cannot be disentangled.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:53 AM
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What's wrong with that? They don't want to send you email unless it is true both that you want it and that you are over 13.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 7:56 AM
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Oh, I was parsing it as "We won't let you buy tickets unless you are over 13, which you must verify now, and haha, you are now getting our email." Yours is better.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:01 AM
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203: This is late, but I wanted to double team a bit with Megan. Actually, I kept writing earnest advice but then deleting it. And then Megan started, so I felt freer. Like Megan and heebie, I'm super bossy.

I think making lists of good, true things to remind yourself of is a good idea. Megan may be from California, and I am too, but you know who wasn't? Rachmaninoff's psychiatrist, and he treated Rachmaninoff's writer's block with a combination of affirmations, hypnosis, and analysis, and Rachmaninoff dedicated his second piano concerto to him.

Ok, on to my advice, which is totally hackneyed, but nevertheless true: if you want something, you have to think about how you would have to act in order to get it, and then you have to make yourself do it, and in time there is a chance it will start to feel true. So even if you feel worthless, present yourself like you think you have something to offer. It doesn't matter how false it feels; the *feeling* that its false isn't actually a reflection of any underlying truth. It's just a thing that's going through your mind. It's not a fact. So even if you have to start by feeling like you're pretending, just make yourself pretend.

I say this as someone who self-consciously taught myself most of my social skills. I left myself weird, and only corrected as much as seemed necessary to get stuff I wanted (and the weirdness I have is basically an advantage that attracts a lot of the kinds of people I'm interested in interacting with). But some of that teaching was thinking -- how does a comfortable act in this situation? I literally spent my entire first internet date ever talking out loud about how awkward I felt. I was ridiculous. And look at me now: a single, childless 34-year-old! But I do ok. This is just to say that I know from experience that a very deliberate attempt to build up a repertoire of behaviors of a warm, confident, comfortable person can lead to really being that person. Megan's perspective is the cognitive one -- the head controls the hands. My complementary perspective is the behavioral one, the hands control the head.


Posted by: Tia | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:01 AM
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Getting discharged, hooray.

Congratulations on the discharge, and good luck with recovery -- that sounds terrifying.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:08 AM
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310: I'm hoping for the best for you.

bike/vehicle collisions are by far the most common source of serious injury or death among people I know. This scares my wife and it makes me very vigilant, much more than I was even a few years ago.

Still, it does so much for me that I look forward to even my commutes every day. Most people I know who've been hit made an obvious error and were at fault, so the problem is how to stay alert. But there is a residual element of crapshoot about it too.


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:16 AM
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Tia, that is such a more coherent discussion of my philosophy than I had. My assessment, in general, is that bright resourceful people have taken themselves as far as they can go with their current worldview. I also think that (for privileged middle class people) there is vastly more opportunity than people notice. They notice the same things all the time and then think there are no single people in this town.

So yeah, like Tia said. I would get people thinking in ways they are unaccustomed to, in hopes it will get them perceiving and then acting in a different spectrum. Doing what they do now has been optimized; the current yields from that are all it will deliver. Doing more of it won't produce different outcomes.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:23 AM
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I think it's kind of interesting that so many of us have opinions on how to find a relationship but few on how to acquire friends. I mean, it's the same basic process but still nearly as awkward and intimidating.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:24 AM
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I was recently reminded of the generational gap with regards to online dating sites. Two of my kids are currently in relatively recent relationships (of several months standing*). When I mentioned that on the phone to my mother she immediately went into OPINIONATED NOSY GRANDMOTHER mode and asked among other things where they met. "Online." I said**, and was somewhat unprepared for her resulting tone of obvious disapproval (although punctuated several times with aresigned-sounding "I suppose it's none of my business").

*Neither of whom as far as I was aware had really dated in any significant way up to that point. A possibly hopeful note for someone like Eggplant.

**I really don't know any details, but I half think my daughter met her boyfriend via an online gaming forum rather than a dating site. Not a distinction that I felt would be productive to go into with my mother.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:28 AM
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Also, holy smokes, lw. Feel better soon.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:29 AM
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357 Autocorrecting truck drivers tends to work out badly for the car drivers.


Posted by: teraz kurwa my | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:37 AM
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368: I think the definition of 'friend' is less precise than that of romantic relationship. You say you're looking for a romantic relationship, people know what you're talking about. You talk about wanting to be friends, that could mean anything.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:43 AM
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@369: My own recollection is that there was a kind of phase transition around 2000 where online dating abruptly went from being perceived as this strange thing that only desperate weirdos did to being accepted as totally normal.

Is that how other people remember it?


Posted by: AcademicLurker | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:44 AM
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That's sounds about right to me. Certainly it got normal after 1995 (the last time I was single), but it got very normal kind of abruptly.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:47 AM
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160: [Megan's coaching] This is a feedback loop, so it is no wonder it is hard to break.

Yep, it is absolutely clear what is going on, but which I find hard to behave differently in the moment. I blame creeping incipient end-of-current-career malaise which is complicated and complicated to address. But I'm to not unwilling to go through it, just with more sleep and less food.

Can you prioritize sleep?

Actually, the CPAP thing seems to be working to some extent (less tired during the work day), but I think it has subtly changed my "tiredness signals" and I have not adjusted my behavior in response. Also total lack of discipline and interest in too many things. Also time wasters (I have a DIVE result teed up to go in the flickr pool--an interesting *low* score, not a high one).


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:47 AM
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The only way I know how to make friends is:
1. through mutual friends (best)
2. through your kids (extremely hit or miss)
3. taking up an activity (very hit or miss as well.)

1 is the best. You enjoy someone's company at a happy hour. Then you propose the next happy hour or big gathering and make sure they're included. Get in the habit of sitting nearby so that you're both in the same conversations, and then include them in groups with smaller n.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:49 AM
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372: I guess that's fair, but I think it's safe to say when one is looking for friends, one probably wants locals with shared interests who might like to meet occasionally for food, drink, or other shared activity. Like a romantic relationship with less intimacy? Maybe I'm doing it wrong?

376 is quite reasonable. You are missing coworkers as a potential friend pool, though. It's easy to propose a coffee break or after-work happy hour. Unless you hate all your coworkers.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:52 AM
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376; So, you're saying friends are like money.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:52 AM
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You are missing coworkers as a potential friend pool, though.

True. The main problem with my cow-orkers is that one third live in Sad Town, one third live in San Antonio, and one third live elsewhere (including us) and so it's a hassle to get together with most of them. So I forget about them as an available pool, but of course they should be in general.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:56 AM
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378: I'm confused about your relationship to money.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:56 AM
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373: When I was last single, in late '99/early '00, online dating still seemed sketchy. Within a couple years, it did not. So yeah.

I think it was 2 basic things: 1., obviously more people got comfortable with the whole internet thing - once you're buying books and clothes online, online personals don't seem weird and desperate anymore, and 2. I'm pretty sure online dating services were, even then, much more effective than older methods. And it's hard to argue with success.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:59 AM
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We're going through a phase where we're having trouble really keeping things going with various friends. Several contributing factors;

1) For friends whom we knew via kids and kid activities there are no fewer occasions to just run into them, and loss of a key common interest.

2) Several good friends seem to be descending into absurd "hey you kids get off my lawn!" madness. Fucking fuck, the most inane and least tolerable of all modes of discourse short of physically assaulting someone. Endlessly disappointing.

3) Sloth. misanthropy, and social backwardness on our part.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:02 AM
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380: Money and I used to be friends, but she stopped talking to me and I have no idea why. I guess I'm confused about my relationship to Money too.

Slightly more seriously, my point was that you were saying that the best way to make friends was to have friends already. People frequently say that about money.

I forgot the url for Standpipe's blog, so I posted that here.


Posted by: peep | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:05 AM
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Slightly more seriously, my point was that you were saying that the best way to make friends was to have friends already. People frequently say that about money.

Hmm. This may be true.

I think our friends are most often pulling friends into our circle via the UU Fellowship. Try being Unitarian?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:10 AM
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The discussion I refrained from having with my mother was that online dating has many features that are objectively superior to the prior "find a nice boy in the village, or maybe one of the surrounding villages if you're bold" mode of meeting someone. I do look forward to some longitudinal studies. And maybe some have already been done? But really interested in how things go for online-originated relationships over the decades compared with ones that originate in meatspace.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:10 AM
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I've heard hanging out on certain blogs can result in a wider circle of friends but I think it's probably an urban legend.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:14 AM
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I do look forward to some longitudinal studies.

Don't we all.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:17 AM
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In a smallish town, activities are a good way to meet mutual friends.

We're in pretty good shape for having moved 2,000 miles to a place we never lived just 5 years ago. What's kind of sad is how little lasting impact on the friendship front spending 22 years in the prior place appears to have had. #cultureofworkaholismsucksthelifeout


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:20 AM
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Speaking of misanthropy and the urge to throttle, I was on a conference call from home and my wife was amused/alarmed at my troubled visage as I responded to someone who choose to say "Just git 'er done!" in the middle of a discussion on next steps on a major initiative. Sure it's a significant change to important foundational elements of one large critical piece of our business involving massive capital investment, and which took the group that pioneered it within the company nearly a decade to complete. But we'll just fucking sit on conference calls and mimic moron comedians and it will all fucking work out.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:22 AM
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I have made lots of friends through OkCupid. I realize I'm probably unusually good at this, and it's not necessarily helpful advice to give other people.


Posted by: Tia | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:36 AM
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The counter-buying process is crazy opaque. We went to the inventory place. The woman would only tell us "low or med/high" range prices - she said they only give numbers to the fabricator.

So our contractor person puts us in touch with an interior decorator who works for a countertop place, who then bids on our behalf, and comes back with a number.

It is very easy to suspect one is getting hosed in this process. How would haggling work - would it be crazy to respond with "Is there any wiggle room on that price"?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:41 AM
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Can't you just to go Ikea?


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:47 AM
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It is very easy to suspect one is getting hosed in this process.

It is very difficult to imagine one is not getting hosed in that process.


Posted by: urple | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:48 AM
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What 393 says.


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:51 AM
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would it be crazyIt would be wise to respond with "Is there any wiggle room on that price". Alternatively, "You're having a giraffe, mate. Get me a real price!"


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 9:56 AM
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391: Can you go in to the store with the decorator, or be on a conference call? I mean, maybe they won't talk to you alone, but will they refuse to talk numbers where you can hear?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 10:02 AM
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Several good friends seem to be descending into absurd "hey you kids get off my lawn!" madness.

AB's mom, who is extraordinarily sweet and generous and accepting, nonetheless gets into these modes sometimes when she's over at dinner. It's over stupid shit like sagged pants and trampy girls, but it's still teeth-gratingly annoying. Thing is, she's one of these born too late types - she was 15 when Elvis hit, but she has always been an opera lover, and she reads absolute tons of Henry James and that sort of thing. So she's politically liberal, but culturally 80-100 years behind the times.

I just thank god she listens to NPR, not Fox, because she still manages to annoy me with her takeaways from NPR (I really don't need to hear her getting outraged about Putin or upset at the latest shooting).


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 10:06 AM
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396: Maybe - that seems really intimidating, given how hard it is to get any information on this stuff.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 10:08 AM
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391: This is what comes of wanting things. If you are fond of a jugcountertop, say to yourself, "I am fond of a jugcountertop." For when it shattersyou get screwed by the middlemen, you will not be disturbed.


Posted by: Anneld Gustator | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 10:12 AM
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I sent a "Yikes, that is $N/sq ft! Any wiggle room?" response.

Fuck it, maybe we should just go to Ikea.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 10:19 AM
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OT: Taking the bus to get my bib for the half marathon involves too good of a look at the climb in mile 11.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 10:20 AM
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I had the impression when we went through this that the supplier is protecting the contractor's ability to mark up materials.


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 10:23 AM
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401: I have to go pick up my bib for the 5 Boro Bike Tour on Sunday. In theory, I was going to spend March and April riding my bike a lot. In practice, the weather sucked and work kept me indoors on the nice days. Forty miles is going to be painful.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 10:33 AM
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We said fuck it and went to IKEA for our countertop. No regrets.

Re making friends, I find that it works remarkably well to say, simply, "I like you." And then offer concrete plans to get together some time within the next week or so. Obviously you don't go around saying this to just anyone, but once you've identified a person that you do in fact like, it lets you skip the tentative phase of gradually reducing gathering size and just get on with being friends. The two times I've been on the receiving end of this approach, I was surprised and grateful, and while I already liked both askers, being able to add this kind of straightforwardness to a reckoning of their virtues made me like them even more.

And yow, lw. Glad you're on the mend.


Posted by: Gabardine Bathyscaphe | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 10:37 AM
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401: Alas, we live by Mile 18, so we won't be able to cheer you on.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 10:58 AM
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Now I'm sitting here reading up on estimated costs/sq ft for different kinds of slabs, and getting increasingly outraged.

Unfortunately, I assume Austin has enough crazy fancy people that if we say "We're going to take our business to IKEA!" and flounce off, they won't exactly shed a tear.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 12:04 PM
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405: Yea. I wouldn't make 18 miles anyway.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 12:05 PM
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Holy shit, I just read the part about lw. Get better soon dude, that is horrible.


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 12:09 PM
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There's a full-sized can of Redbull in my race bag.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 12:10 PM
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I just noticed that I got promoted from Corral D to Corral C. I assume it's because I've completed one successfully. I am really slow but last time I ran I felt that I spent to the first two miles passing everybody.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 1:05 PM
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LB, the Five Boro is nice and easy. If you can bike up to your place from work, you can do the Five Boro. When we did it a couple of years back, we made sure to stop for grilled cheeses at diners and italian ices along the way to help pace ourselves. Have Fun!

I've often yammered on about how finding friends, romantic partners, and employment is all really the same thing - same skillset applied to different goals. Yet you're not equally as good at all three. Best as I can figure is because we perceive the stakes of each goal as being different.


Posted by: mike d | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 1:40 PM
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mike d!


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 2:28 PM
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Aw, JRoth, you'll make a boy blush.


Posted by: mike d | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 3:20 PM
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Teo, congrats on the step up.

Thanks, although it's not really a step up exactly. I'm not getting a raise or a promotion; these two people are just being moved under me as part of the reorganization, and supervising them is being added to the duties of my current job. It definitely does kind of feel like a step up, though.

I got compliments on someone I supervise yesterday, and I had to give her all the credit on the theory that if I accept responsibility for the good ones (and she is very, very good), I'm also responsible for the bad ones.

Good call, and an approach that I will probably emulate. Talking in depth with the new person today convinced me that she is indeed likely to be very competent and hardworking, so at this point it looks like things are likely to go well.

Also, the OKC profile as hostile to anyone curious about you sounds like what you've said about disliking answering personal questions, so maybe it's representative?

I'm sure it is another manifestation of basically the same personality trait, so in that sense, yeah, it might be best to leave it. It does leave a couple of subtle hints about potential conversation starters, so it's not totally hostile and useless.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 2-14 8:08 PM
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Selah's mom was lovely. We're meeting her and her partner again tomorrow and bringing all the girls. I'm really happy about this!


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 5:56 PM
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Yay! Glad to hear it.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 6:49 PM
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That's great. Hooray.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 7:16 PM
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I'm not surprised. We've been emailing for at least a month and I've found her on facebook (which I didn't confess, but nor did she confess some of the major things I found out there) and I knew what to expect. Lee was wonderful with her, great at explaining she loves the baby but also able to respect her mom and listen to what she was saying. It was just really, really good. Now, if I can get Nia's hair done appropriately by tomorrow afternoon I'll be really impressed with myself, but that may be too much to hope for.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 7:40 PM
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That's great!


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:25 PM
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Yay!


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 11:06 PM
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I just discovered a week ago that my current batch of E.D. pills is labeled "Discard after Jan 2012." The prescription was filled back in Feb of 2010, for 14 pills. There are still 5 left. Normal dose is 1/2 a pill. I have gone without or cut down to 1/4 pill several times to cut down on the side effects, but still, it does say something about our frequency over the last few years.

And yet, I'm feeling pretty good about our marriage and where we are going together. We've made a lot of progress over the last 16 months with our new marriage counselor, even if it doesn't translate right away into lots of hot sexytimes. Things have been getting better, and there's a new openness on both our parts to trying new things together, and a good sense of cooperative goodwill. At least for now, I've found a place of patience about where we are going, which comes partly from my sense that we are making good forward progress together, even if it isn't as fast as I would like. I may get impatient again at some point, but for now, things are in a comfortable place.


Posted by: EDguy | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 3:35 AM
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This thread is dead, but .. lunch plans on Thursday in Oxford? Is it still happening?


Posted by: nattarGcM ttaM | Link to this comment | 05- 6-14 6:18 AM
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