You'll eat your mustard and like it. When I were a lad it were all yellow mustard, and uphill in both yellow directions.

Should we just go ahead and append this comment thread?

I find sandwich-makers can be very unfeeling about toppings. I despise and will not eat mayonnaise or mustard, unless it's a tiny bit of really grainy stuff, but sandwiches will appear topped with them nonetheless. It is appalling.

Or better yet, you could print out this post and staple it to the order ticket next time.

despise and will not eat mayonnaise

So sad.

I started in the AWB camp, but have moved to yours, Apo. Age brings wisdom. So there's hope.

You whiner, who cares about your little problems? Lie down on the fainting couch until you feel better.

I know who you are, and your next sandwich is going to be quite a treat, let me tell you!

And you too, Ms. Bear. What a fine lady you've turned out to be, coming from your humble beginnings!

Don't you fucking threaten an Iranian, peon.

Who says I'm not an Iranian with Iranian skillz? I'll steal your gold chains and whip your ass with them.

Real mayonnaise is great.

Dear Peon,
Take note that Ogged doesn't wish that you would fucking die, but that Whole Foods would. And my problem is with sandwich makers at people's houses, where their personal little sandwich recipe simply must include condiments. My mother is this way.

A lesson that can be learned from watching the young (or at least the instance of same at my house) -- stay far away from mustard but put ketchup on everything, and your taste buds will thank you.

I don't buy sandwiches much, as I can just layer roast beef, pastrami, and cheese on a good roll. Tends to be both cheaper and better tasting.

Ketchup makes me ill.

ketchup has natural mellowing agents.

Ketchup is of the devil.

Mustard is deliciousness itself.

14 is correct. (Although I don't buy any lunchmeats at Whole Foods as I find their pricing system to be totally out of keeping with the quality of their product.)

I only like mustard I make myself.

Ketchup, mayo -- eventually I realized that they're both just vinegar delivery mechanisms. Unless the mustard's especially spicey, of course.

You ungrateful little bitch. The next sandwich I make for you will have a real "surprise" in it. I always hated you anyway.

I know you did, Mom. I know you did.

Ketchup is a fine Asian sauce, presumably invented after the Spanish brought the tomato over. Tomato, vinegar, salt, a little spice, a little sugar. What's not to like?

Racists.

I'm surprised mayonnaise didn't get a single vote here.

The mayo on AWB's sandwiches apologises for there not being more of it, and thicker.

In Taiwan they used mayonnaise extensively. There's a secret, unappetizing Chinese cuisine that the food editors won't tell you about.

Mayonnaise and bamboo-sprout -- not mmm.

I like a little daub of hand-mixed lemon pepper aioli on my deep-fried White Castle burger.

I'll put tartar sauce on almost anything.

Threadjack (and note, I am Becks style right now):

I earlier this evening, I met three motherfucking courageous individuals. One guy looked like he walked out of my high school yearbook, with minor threat patches on his jean jacket. He looked like he was 17, but apparently he is 20, and old enough to see combat. The second person was dressed kinda nerdy, but had tied a bandanna around his head, which just seemed more nerdy. Also, he couldn't lay off the Marxist lingo. The third person was less baby faced, and dressed conservatively.

They are, it turned out, members of Iraq Veterans Against the War. They are active duty soldiers speaking out against the war. The Minor Threat fan is a combat medic who ships out to Iraq this summer. It is easy for fuckers like us to blather on about the war on the internet. These guys are putting themselves on the line.

So is Ogged, man. Have you tasted Whole Foods' yellow mustard? It's like an improvised explosive delicatessen.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, puts ketchup on a hot dog.

Okay fine, rob, but don't you have anything to contribute?

32 -- A man's got to know his limitations, slol.

I like cheap, nasty yellow mustard on things like hot dogs and turkey sandwiches. Like French's. New York City apparently doesn't believe in yellow mustard and only has Gulden's. The biggest downfall of the city. Who puts brown mustard on a hot dog? That's crap.

Also, how bad was the Veronica Mars "Arabs are Americans, too!" Very Special Episode. So Bad!

Californians put ketchup on hotdogs, because they're wild and free and not trammeled by convention.

So I'm trying to imagine a nerdy-looking Iraq War vet who spouts Marxist lingo. It's not easy.

I'm also wondering who eats Trader Joe's sliced bread, speaking of crimes against sandwiches. My wife bought some the other day, and as you youngsters like to say on the innertubes, it tasted like ass.

I've been craaaaving a meatloaf sandwich but unwilling to make a meatloaf just to have leftovers and store-bought meatloaf tastes of ass.

The only traditional condiment I really like is Kansas-City-style barbecue sauce, ideally Gates Extra-Hot. It's really spicy, vinegary, and thick, with almost no sweetness. When you go to a BBQ place in KC, they give you a plate of whatever you're having surrounded by slices of white bread, the only purpose of which seems to be sopping up more sauce.

39 -- particularly Trader Joe's sliced meatloaf.

Thanks, White Bear. Now I want a meatloaf sandwich and and pulled-pork sandwich.

You're vegetarian. What do you eat at a BBQ restaurant?

I thought NY had all these great BBQ places now.

I don't, but I do have a few fond memories of childhood. And I still buy Gates sauce when I visit my folks, but someone always steals the bottle from me.

44 - Supposedly, they do. I tried to get a friend who was visiting to go to Blue Smoke but she shot it down. (She's living in Texas right now and has had her fill of BBQ to last a lifetime.)

43: Slaw and hushpuppies?

How do we feel about horseradish? (The real stuff, of course.)

I don't think I've had meatloaf since I was wee, but I remember that it was pretty easy to make. What is it, onions, breadcrumbs, ground beef, and egg?

Horseradish is also deliciousness. I don't really know what to eat it with, though, besides Passover and sushi.

41: So a Trader Joe's meatloaf sandwich would presumably be about the assiest thing you could taste, apart from actual ass.

40: There used to be this great hot sauce called Inner Beauty, which was made in Costa Rica from habañeros and little fragments of hell. There's a recipe for a homemade version, but I'm afraid to try it for fear of total disappointment.

I'll make you meatloaf sometime, JM.

(not a euphemism)

Pretty much, although it works better if you use a mix of beef, pork, and veal.

Mark makes homemade horseradish each year at Easter and gives me a baby-food-jar sized batch. It's good on kielbasa or sliced hard-boiled eggs. I don't eat much of either, though, so I usually don't get through it.

RUB in NYC is supposed to be KC-style BBQ, brought here by actual KCians.

You don't actually eat Passover, JM.

You eat brisket with horseradish.

Everything's better with horseradish. Especially sandwiches.

Any kind of meat sandwich, especially pastrami, corned beef, and roast beef.

Horseradish is great. There's Japanese onomatopoeia for the sensation of horseradish/wasabi spice -- I can't recall exactly, but it's something like 'huun.' That said, there's Japanese onomatopoeia for pretty much everything.

55 is true.

Yeah baby serve me some meatloaf!

I put ketchup on hot dogs. I tend to never get a hot dog at any place not named Top Dog and not located in Berkeley, though. The anarchist literature pasted to the walls makes everything taste better.

Horseradish is not a condiment native to the Mormon people.

59: I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that.

I've had other cities' so-called attempts at BBQ and KC BBQ is the best hands down.

My brothers-in-law make a ritual of eating just sliced horseradish on Matzo for the "Maror" observance during Passover. A numbing sensation spreads over "the mask" of your face for a second.

My wife makes a great meatloaf, on which we put either ketchup, which she prefers, or Major Grey's chutney, which I do, for sandwiches.

Wasabi, horseradish and mustard owe their pungency to isothiocyanate compounds.

I had a chicago Polish friend who made horseradish mixed with beets so it was pink.

You can use horseradish pretty much anywhere you would use mustard.

My brothers-in-law make a ritual of eating just sliced horseradish on Matzo for the "Maror" observance during Passover.

Um, as opposed to what?

66 -- beets are a pretty standard additive to prepared horseradish.

51.2: Used to be? What happened to Inner Beauty? It certainly doesn't seem to have much of an internet presence, does it.

The stuff Mark gives me is pink.

...er...

Inner beauty is awesome stuff. The All Star Sandwich bar makes, in fact, a meatloaf sandwich with a generous dose of the stuff. (Also, the only beef on weck I've seen outside of western new york).

Mayo is easy enough to make yourself that I don't understand buying it anymore, especially when you can make it with a lot of garlic.

How sad. That was good sauce. Possible replacements.

73: Inner beauty still exists? O happy day!

I remain unconvinced.

38: It was really weird, so I can see how its hard to picture. The visual part of the scene is easy enough to imagine though. Take a conservatively dressed person. Wrap an awkward bandanna around his head. Simple enough.

Now think about the sentence "We were under strict orders not to give water or MREs to the Iraqi children" and "The Iraqi Communist Party alienated the people by siding with the occupiers."

I should go to bed.

Horseradish is not a condiment native to the Mormon people.

That reminds me... Have you seen any of the Frontline/American Experience crossover The Mormons, JM?

Crushed again! The humanity! Oh, well.

Other hot things that are good: There's a sausage joint in PDX that makes something they call the Facemelter -- it's a pork sausage made with jalapeños and habañeros, and it's served with grilled jalapeños and habañeros on top. The first time I had one, I felt stoned for hours.

Also, jalapeño-infused vodka makes superlative Bloody Marys.

Maybe the guy making Ogged's sandwich has a brother who was injured in Iraq and is passive-aggressively giving him yellow mustard to punish him. I was wrong! The Very Special Episode wasn't tooleriffic! It was real life.

Which place?

Honey mustard is the nasty. Whole Paycheck is just trying to do you a favor, Naturalized Patriot. Mustard should be brown.

TJ's sells a wasabi mustard that I like, even though it's sort of redundant. Also, the only meat loaf I like is made by my mother. All other meat loaf is anathema. I have no idea why; it's fucking meat loaf, how hard is it to screw up?

It may not exist in bottles. The All Star is a Chris Schlesinger place (right down the street from the East Coast Grill), and he/the East Coast Grill are the origin of the stuff, so they'd certainly be able to make their own.

Good Dog, Bad Dog. I have to confess that the second time was a bit of a disappointment, because it barely made me sweat.

32 is the key point. We've had fights at family gatherings over this, though admittedly that was exaggerated to make one family member's girlfriend feel like she was doing something odder than she in fact was.

Yeah, I like that place. They have something called a magma burger or something that I always get.

79: On the other hand, "Professor Phardtpounder's Colon Cleaner" sounds like it might be delicious on a turkey sandwich.

Habañero got punked recently, though. World's hottest pepper: the bhut jolokia.

1.) Do not, anybody, blaspheme against Trader Joe's.
2.) The intriguing regional varieties of BBQ are one of few things that make me sad to be a vegetarian (cassoulet and cuban sandwiches are a couple others). Back when I did eat meat, I was partial to vinegary, Carolina pulled-pork sammiches.
3.) New York does seem to have lots of new BBQ joints (my roommate just reported back to me on a new one in Williamsburg, Fette Sau. Her verdict: meh.) Like the "soul food" and "southern food" restaurants in NY, I suspect they tend to be nice efforts, but not so much like the real thing, and too much sugar. People: southern cornbread is not cake.
4.) Speaking of too much sugar, honey mustard, like Nutella, is a food for children, but despite his degeneracy on this point, I still sympathize with Ogged on this one because of my own experience with the Starbuck's at work. I tell them: cafe americano, please, with LOTS of extra room. And I get: a watery cafe americano with no room. I tell them: LOTS of EXTRA room, like a THIRD OF THE CUP. And I get: a watery cafe americano with no room. And sometimes, at last, the cafe americano is not only watery but salty too, because of my tears.

Was she a Californian? They're free spirits.

This entire conversation is weird for me. When I was a kid, I put ketchup on hot dogs, and abhorred both mustard in all of its varieties and horseradish. Now the thought of ketchup on a hot dog makes me ill, and I love both mustard and horseradish. (I even went so far as to order a Hillel sandwich at a deli because I hadn't gotten enough horseradish at the seder this year.)

I could never be a vegetarian, I love pressed duck too much.

who eats Trader Joe's sliced bread

Mr. B. likes the white bread. I, personally, do not care for white bread so I buy whatever the wholiest whole grain kind of multi crunchy bread there is.

But you know what people? If we're out of the dense hippie bread, I eat the goddamn white bread. Jesus. Mustard and mayo; it's not like anyone's feeding you baby poop or something. If you don't like it, make your own damn sandwiches.

I bet baby poop would taste adorable.

honey mustard, like Nutella, is a food for children

Fuck that noise. Nutella-and-peanut-butter sandwiches are too damn tasty to leave for the kids.

94: Sorry, I meant "food for children, and the infirm."

Have you seen any of the Frontline/American Experience crossover The Mormons, JM?

No. I don't have a TV and forgot to ask my honey to TiVo it. However! I did hear the producer interviewed on my local NPR station, and she seemed very well-informed and sensible.

Obviously, they don't call it poupon for nothing.

Honey mustard is food for children, but it works well with clean and leafy California cuisine.

88.1: Please tell me you don't get the coffee they have -- the stuff in the black can. That was the other asserrific thing my wife got there. There's a reason why that stuff is cheap, people.

Fantastic: Nutella, strawberry, and cream cheese panini.

Also: Nutella and banana panini.

If you don't have a real panini press, you can (like me) use a George Forman grill.

So it's a proxy for good tasting food on the West Coast, but not on the East coast? [runs and hides]

If you have faith the size of a baby turd, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

Becks, 100 is just wrong. Wrong!

I did hear the producer interviewed on my local NPR station, and she seemed very well-informed and sensible.

Cool. I turned on the TV last night to discover that it was running; I've just finished Under the Banner of Heaven, so I felt obligated to watch at least part of it. Unfortunately that's my only exposure to the history of the Church, so I don't have any real basis for evaluating the even-handedness of The Mormons.

100: GFLMFRPPM

Yum

104: I'm given to understand "Big Love" is exactly realistic in every detail.

I even went so far as to order a Hillel sandwich at a deli because I hadn't gotten enough horseradish at the seder this year.

That's hard core, Josh.

103: She's basically just making crepes, only with non-standard bread wrapping. Don't tell me you have something against Nutella in crepes?

101: What is -- baby poop? East of the Mississippi, they call it Hellman's, don't they?

108: Yeah, I felt a little guilty. I mean, what does it say when you *enjoy* the bread of affliction and the stuff that's supposed to remind you of how bitter slavery in Pharaoh's service was?

One does not put cream cheese into nutella crepes, Josh.

99: Okay. You have me there. But I always hoped that it was just because I'm an insufferable coffee snob and maybe TJ's coffee was good, better than average even, for the common folk.

100: good god, stop. [retching noises]

112: Add some lox and call it "J'Accuse!"

112 - It's not just straight-up cream cheese. It's cream cheese with a little sugar mixed in, like cream cheese frosting.

Also good: Strawberry halves with Nutella and cream cheese frosting piped into them using a pastry bag. Good for parties.

No. I don't have a TV and forgot to ask my honey to TiVo it

JM: Each of the chapters is also available online, which I thought was pretty awesome.

Becks, you are frightening me. Stanley, wow! Thanks. I wish more documentaries were so accessible.

It's good to see that the Warriors are carrying on the east bay sports tradition of blowing late leads.

You know, sometimes I think I respond to food talk the way the rest of the world responds to porn. Becks, the things you describe with the strawberries and the nutella and the cream cheese... Wow.

99: TJ's carries 100% Kona for $20/can. Which I damn well do buy, yes indeedy.

94: Nutella and peanut butter?!?!?!? Gaaaaack.

Becks, come to Boston, and bring your George Foreman grill.

kona:coffee::stones tickets:rockn'roll

wfm...a multi-billion dollar corporation with a sanctimonious culture largely unimpeded by higher education....

110: This gets confusing for me, because I live about a mile west of the Mississippi and work about three blocks east of it. Makes it confusing when I order sandwiches at lunch.

And you know what's really awful? The grizzly bears that roam west of the Mississippi. Sometimes they chase me right across the bridge.

It's only when you're menstruating, Frowner. If you cross the river during your period you're asking for it.

I watched a bit of The Mormons. The description of the excommunication hearing was pretty damning: the defendant (female) is arguing directly from the writings of J. Smith and the headman says to her, more or less, don't presume to lecture us -- don't even speak unless we ask you to, and only then on the specific question we pose.

Combining 124-126, here's the story of how the last griz in Utah was hunted down.

Next thing you know, we'll be hearing from some famous East Coast bloggers that they've never even heard of Frank Clark: I have sworn eternal vengeance on bears and it shall be mine.

Link

I do'nt eat sandwhiches. It makes going otu for lunch a real ass-pain.

40: AWB, next time you're here in KC, try some Jack Stack sauce. Much better than Gates. And Jack Stack has enough meatless items on the menu to make a meal (an Orthodox friend who orders vegetarian to avoid issues like whether the brisket was circumcised properly eats there whenever she's in town). Definitely worth checking out.

And by the way: Mayonaisse = yuppie cum

Back when I did eat meat, I was partial to vinegary, Carolina pulled-pork sammiches.

And for this you are a True American.

honey mustard, like Nutella, is a food for children

But then you had to go and blow it all to hell.

Gods, now I want a meatloaf sandwich. Fortunately, there's a barbecue joint down the street that does some pretty killer meatloaf.

50: Kielbasi

50: Courvoisier

50: A spoon.

But there's a whole in the spoon, dear Apo, dear Apo.

Whoops. Hole.

Do not, anybody, blaspheme against Trader Joe's.

Pfft. Until the day comes when they sell me a meat or dairy product that lasts even close to the sell-by date, I will blaspheme all I want.

Thanks, Dr. P! I knew people really liked Jack's Stack, but my dad had a bad experience there (business-related lunch, not a food problem) and would never take us. Maybe I can get tonks to go!

137: Really? I don't know from meat, but I've never had any dairy from TJ's go bad, and I'm in New York, where all the dairy goes bad. (what's with that, anyway?) As a long time TJ's fanatic, I could be satisfied with a purist position that they never should have started selling fresh meat (or produce) anyway.

I've had the milk go bad on me every time I bought it there, so I don't buy it any more. (Deli meat and third-party yogurt seems to be ok, though.)

Mafia cows. The Mafia is too old to screw around with gambling, drugs, and prostitution any more, but they can still handle milk.

126: Yeah, I saw that bit too. The guy they had on immediately afterwards did have a good point (that the church never comments on excommunications, so we only heard one side of that story), but from Teresa Nielsen Hayden's account of her excommunication proceeding it doesn't sound too unlikely.

Well, that's the thing about a church founded on the premise of latter-day prophecy. It means that doctrine is never going to be as important as revelation. Competing revelations are resolved by authoritarian structures. And bam, in a nutshell, you have why I haven't been to church in about a decade.

"And bam, in a nutshell, you have why I haven't been to church in about a decade."

You had a revelation not to go to church? Sweet.

Don't believe her. She just didn't figure out to lie about the masturbation questions like the rest of us.

I cannot tell a lie.

The Mafia cows must not be as happy. Sour cows = sour milk.