Re: Modern Love: Those Poor Kids Edition

1

This is going to be the top hit for the rest of their lives.

Starting now.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 12:49 PM
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Come on, did you *read* the article? Having this be little Lock/lin Jaki/ela's googlegacy is the whole point: revenge for having put them through those awful birthday parties.


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 12:50 PM
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As if naming them Locklin and Phelan weren't revenge enough.

Although I think the daughter should change her name to Phelon when she gets a little older and joins a gang.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 12:55 PM
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4

Apparently the author's last name rhymes with "tequila", according to her website.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 12:58 PM
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Maybe "Locklin" and "Phelan" are pseudonyms?

I mean, they'd have to be, right?


Posted by: felix | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:03 PM
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Maybe "Locklin" and "Phelan" are pseudonyms?

Nope:

Jakiela and her husband, Dave Newman, both teach writing at the University of Pittsburgh's Greensburg campus, while raising son Locklin, 5, and 20-month-old daughter Phelan.


Posted by: Matt F | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:05 PM
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7

What was it Calvin's dad said? Builds Character.


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:16 PM
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I don't know. The kids come across pretty well; there's nothing particularly embarrassing about them personally, except for the usual sorts of things typical of "cute kid" stories. It's the parents who seem totally bizarre.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:19 PM
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I doubt this will bother the kids by the time they're 25 or so -- as teo says, they come off fine. When they're 13, though, their lives aren't going to be worth living (even compared to the general misery that is puberty). This may be the kind of experiment teenagers always suspect their parents of conducting, into whether it is possible to cause death by embarrassment.

Also, and I think the locals will back me up here, it's somehow completely unsurprising that this family lives in Pittsburgh (or rather in Monroeville, where, much more famously than "Kingpin," "Night of the Living Dead" was filmed).


Posted by: JWP | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:29 PM
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10

Hey, the Liberator products are good stuff.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:34 PM
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11

I am embarrassed to admit that Friday night was the first time I've ever been inside a sex shop. Bave and I were out with one of my former students, who got a text from a friend of his who was working there, a block away from where we were, and we decided to drop by to say hi.

I'm pro-sex-shop and everything, but I have a hard time imagining owning some of the more obtrusive products available. As it is, I have one vibrator, and I'm totally paranoid about plumbers coming into my apartment while I'm away from home and seeing it under the sink. I change its hiding place regularly, despite the fact that I'm the only person who lives here.

Owning a big old sex chair would make me feel like a grade-A perv, kids or no kids. I am, it would seem, a deeply repressed person.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:40 PM
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I think they should be roundly condemned for hiring clowns and live animals for their child's birthday party. Especially for having said clowns and animals show up on the day of without meeting them first. It's a classic example of a stupid idea, poorly executed.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:42 PM
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11: Who are you and what have you done with AWB?


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:43 PM
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I contain multitudes, H-L.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:44 PM
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10: the web site leaves me unconvinced. Seems like you could kludge something together at Ikea for a lot less money.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:44 PM
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You keep your vibrator under the sink? Not, like, close to your bed? I'm having trouble imagining that, probably because I keep bleach and old dirty rags under my sink.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:46 PM
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17

Sex bleach and dirty sex rags!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:48 PM
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18

TMI, Sifu.


Posted by: Matt F | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:48 PM
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16: Since I had a plumber in recently, it's in the bottom shelf of my dresser now. There isn't really a place near my bed where I could keep it without it staring back at me all the time. It's a rather psychologically obtrusive object.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:49 PM
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Great Tweety, now you've gone and revealed my bleach fetish.

19: A friend of mine was opining about the need for bedroom cabinets, analogous to bathroom cabinets. He's got a giant pump bottle of lube that he just doesn't know what to do with.
A consideration for someday when one actually buys bedside tables, rather than just scavenging things, I suppose.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:55 PM
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You could probably kluge together something, but you'd also probably have to replace it a lot. Very nice features include: soft but sturdy enough for the intended use, internal moisture-proof layer, nice external machine-washable microfiber exterior. I did notice a product at the gym recently that was similar to the Ramp, and it's cheaper, but the vinyl-ish material isn't nearly as nice.


Posted by: Nathan Williams | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:57 PM
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22

For a moment, I read 21 as a description of an ideal bedroom cabinet.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:58 PM
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23

If I had a son and a daughter, and the names "Locklin" and "Phelan" to distribute, I would give the former to the latter and the latter to the former.

Also, obviously AWB put the vibrator under the sink specifically because a plumber was coming over. I thought you were a cinephile, Blume.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:58 PM
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This reminds me. Sales technique in China generally consists of the vendor grabbing whatever it is you appear to be looking at and shoving it in your face while shouting at you about how great it is and why you should buy it.

I always found this extremely offputting, except for the one time I was showing a visiting friend around downtown Shanghai and she spied a store whose English sign said simply "Sex Shop". We went in, and sure enough it was a dildo store, with lots of different models displayed on backlit shelves along the walls. It reminded me of an eyeglasses shop: brightly lit, all the wares on display, very clinical and nothing pervy about it.

The staff were all wearing white lab coat type uniforms, and in about 2 seconds flat they ran over, plugged everything in, and we were surrounded by a thick phalanx of various whirring and pulsating implements, all being praised loudly and effusively in Chinese and broken English.

They looked really sad and disappointed when we left without purchasing anything.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 1:58 PM
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I do feel sort of weird about the fact that my box spring is on the floor, as opposed to on a bed frame. This has immediately been read by everyone who enters my apartment (including my mother) as some kind of kinky sex thing, which, yeah, it kinda is. But also, no dust bunnies!


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:01 PM
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A friend of mine was opining about the need for bedroom cabinets, analogous to bathroom cabinets. He's got a giant pump bottle of lube that he just doesn't know what to do with.

Have you suggested that he put it on his penis? Just a thought.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:04 PM
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Locklin's mucous membranes exude a substance that can be used to waterproof one's boots.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:04 PM
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psychologically obtrusive object

Cruciform vibrator? (band name?)

That was small beer for Modern Love. Bring on the pathos!


Posted by: TJ | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:05 PM
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29

I think having a bottle on one's penis would tend to be obtrusive.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:05 PM
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30

Depending on penis, bottle, and consumer, that could certainly be a feature instead of a bug.


Posted by: TJ | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:08 PM
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31

Penises are meant to be obtrusive, ben.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:08 PM
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32

I wouldn't know.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:11 PM
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33

Ben might be going for a suave penis, M/tch.


Posted by: TJ | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:14 PM
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34

What's the line? "A writer is always selling someone out"? The rest of it should be, "usually family."


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:38 PM
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25: Huh. My first thoughts at the boxspring on the floor would be 'student, probably poor, probably moves often.'


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:46 PM
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36

Also, obviously AWB put the vibrator under the sink specifically because a plumber was coming over. I thought you were a cinephile, Blume.

You mean this plumber?


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:49 PM
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37

My first thoughts at the boxspring on the floor would be 'student, probably poor, probably moves often.'

That would also be my thought. And I don't even have a TV boxspring.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:51 PM
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38

Yeah, me neither. (Platform bed.) In fact, I have neither TV nor boxspring, if someone is keeping unfogged stats.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:53 PM
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39

Platform bed

Onedownsmanship: mattress on the floor.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:54 PM
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40

All y'all without lockable closets for your toys need one of these. Just do a search and replace on "gun" for whatever tickles your whatever:

Gun safe with ejectable drawer
Document Type and Number:
United States Patent 4800822

Abstract:
A gun safe having an ejectable drawer is disclosed. The gun safe comprises a door hingedly connected to the opened end of a housing. The drawer is reciprocatingly mounted within the housing and is springloaded to bear against the closed door so that, upon opening of the door, the ejectable drawer is forced outwardly to present the firearm contained therein for easy grasping.

35: My first thought was "She still has good knees." I'd have only thought "kinky" with a mention of cleats or rings.


Posted by: Biohazard | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:54 PM
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41

If Ikea made such a product, what would they call it?


Posted by: A. Chandler Moisen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:56 PM
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42

Now I'm gonna have to get a tatami mat to sleep on, just to keep up with ogged.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:56 PM
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43

Sales technique in China generally consists of the vendor grabbing whatever it is you appear to be looking at and shoving it in your face while shouting at you about how great it is and why you should buy it

Apropos nothing in particular, but you just reminded me of this devastatingly cute woman behind the counter in a department store in Shanghai 20 years ago. You ever have one of those crazy crushes based on the briefest of meetings? I exchanged only a few words with her, but I will never forget her.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:56 PM
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44

I used to sleep directly on the floor, but I recently started sprinkling gravel on the floor first, and let me tell you, I'm never going back.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:57 PM
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45

A gun safe having an ejectable drawer is disclosed.

s/b

"A gun safe having an ejectable drawer is dis-enclosed."


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:58 PM
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46

Gravel? Pshaw. Try broken glass instead.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:59 PM
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47

39: you're in college, too?

I'm just kidding: I have a boxspring.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 2:59 PM
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48

You can afford glass?!


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:00 PM
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49

They say those beds of nails are actually quite comfortable.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:01 PM
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50

No TV, no boxspring, futon on the floor. Top that.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:01 PM
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51

Oh, the mattress is for guests. I sleep standing up.

I'm just kidding, I don't sleep.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:02 PM
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52

We have a mattress on an IKEA frame. I am unclear if this is better or worse than the floor, but I'm still trying to figure out what's kinky about a mattress on a box spring.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:03 PM
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53

I hire someone to beat me severely every night until I pass out, and someone else to come in in the morning and kick my in the ribs until I wake up.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:03 PM
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54

Geez, okay, I sleep submerged in lava.

So competitive.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:03 PM
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55

The only negative effect of this procedure I've yet discovered is a tendency to write "my" instead of "me".


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:04 PM
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I hire someone to beat me severely every night

So bourgeois. You can just wander the streets insulting people until they do it for free.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:05 PM
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52: Same here.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:05 PM
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58

Yeah, but those aren't artisanal beatings.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:05 PM
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59

You can afford glass?!

Five-finger discount, yo.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:07 PM
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60

Yeah, but those aren't artisanal beatings.

Remember Joshua Bell busing in the Metro? You never know.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:07 PM
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61

I sleep in four inches of brackish water, breathing through a straw. Sometimes the newts bite me, but I don't like to complain.


Posted by: felix | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:08 PM
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62

I am shocked that someone both as fussy and interested in appearances as Ogged has his mattress on the floor.


Posted by: Becks | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:08 PM
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63

Also:

<Ogged's Mom>No wonder you're not married!</Ogged's Mom>


Posted by: Becks | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:09 PM
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60: busking?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:10 PM
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61: A newt fancier, are you?


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:11 PM
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65: Hey! It stripped my fake Gussy Finknottle code out! Grr.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:11 PM
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12 is an important point. God forbid they fuck up hiring clowns; a child's birthday party should be planned with the same level of detail as the Normandy landings.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:12 PM
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In fact, the only vertical mattress placement that would possibly strike me as kinky would be one that's quite elevated. I spent a summer in a studio with a really high built-in bed, and the positioning opportunities were pretty amazing. I love my current platform bed a bit too much to change it, but I may have to give in and get a similarly way-too-high bed for the guest bedroom.

That studio also had a huge shower with a really nice looking built-in smooth tiled bench along an entire wall... Damn, I miss that place.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:14 PM
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69

I have failed Unfogged. I read the article, and thought it was cute.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:16 PM
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Putting your mattress directly on the floor can lead to bad things happening to your floor. The mattress will pull the moisture from your sweaty sleeping body and hold it there, which can cause mildew and/or warping or other moisture damage to floorboards, as friends of mine discovered to their dismay.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:20 PM
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Sleeps: In shower standing up while wearing clothes. The harness in the shower is not a kinky sex thing. It helps with the drip dry stage.


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:23 PM
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72

My place is carpeted. And I don't sweat like some savage.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:23 PM
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73

The mattress on the floor approach has to do with portability, doesn't it? As Blume said, moves often, or wants to be able to.

When I had a futon on the floor arrangement, we used to move it around the apartment, sleep in different rooms depending on the light. That was cool. Sleep out on the back porch sometimes.

Walt, dude, you totally failed.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:23 PM
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the only vertical mattress placement that would possibly strike me as kinky

What about horizontal?

I once stayed overnight in a small hotel in Kenya that was formerly Adnan Khashoggi's private house. I got the room that contained Khashoggi's own former bed: it was an ordinary mattress, but about 25 feet wide, and it could have comfortably accomodated about a dozen people, which was apparently what it was for. I thought that was quite kinky. Terribly wasted on me and the wife.


Posted by: felix | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:23 PM
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75

Seriously, I can't get over the mattress on the floor thing. We aren't even that tacky in the Flophouse.


Posted by: Becks | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:25 PM
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70: That's why futons without frames are a pain in the ass, except for the real Japanese kind, which are thin and easily hung out for airing.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:25 PM
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Carpets are not immune to mildew, but I present 70 purely in the spirit of edifying the lurkers. I'm sure that your champagne-like perspiration would not fill a bee's thimble.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:27 PM
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Becks, you're so Ohio. Anyway, you can't put stuff on the floor of the Flophouse because it's made of volatile radioactive green slime.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:28 PM
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Sleeps: In shower standing up while wearing clothes.

Actually, ogged is awake while he's in the shower wearing his clothes. He sleeps while wearing them in an enormous industrial dryer set on overdrive.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:29 PM
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I got the room that contained Khashoggi's own former bed: it was an ordinary mattress, but about 25 feet wide, and it could have comfortably accomodated about a dozen people, which was apparently what it was for.

There's a Heather Mills joke in here somewhere. Quick, call News of the World!


Posted by: snarkout | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:30 PM
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81

I'm sure that your champagne-like perspiration would not fill a bee's thimble.

You should know that better than most.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:30 PM
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I can't get over the mattress on the floor thing

I picked this up from exbeforelast, actually. While we were dating, she not only had the plain mattress on the floor, but would put it up against the wall during the day and only lay it out for sleeping. Liberating, man. Space, and less stuff.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:32 PM
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83

Actually, the floor of the flophouse is made of register radioactive green slime.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:32 PM
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84

would put it up against the wall during the day and only lay it out for sleeping.

Thus achieving what can only be described, paradoxically, as the poor man's Murphy bed.


Posted by: ben w-lfs-n | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:33 PM
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85

I have my mattress on a box spring on the floor (and I thought even having a box spring was sort of posh!), but my honey is now talking longingly of tatami mats and of the good old days when we slept on rugs. All I knows is that if he wants to throw out MY mattress and MY box spring, then he can buy the replacement bed o' nails.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:40 PM
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86

85 was I.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:41 PM
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87

As if there were any doubt.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:44 PM
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I have a bed, with sheets, and a comforter, several pillows, a boyfriend, two cats, and a view of a TV. Enjoy your tatami mats.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:46 PM
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89

Oh, and we drink beer in bed. And eat cereal.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:47 PM
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90

And our clothes are stained.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:47 PM
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91

And we talk, but we don't listen. And sometimes we're lonely.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:48 PM
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God forbid they fuck up hiring clowns; a child's birthday party should be planned with the same level of detail as the Normandy landings.

There's quite a bit of distance between planning every last detail of a child's birthday party and hiring, sight unseen, clowns and animals to be around your seven year old. That plus hiring clowns and animals at all is stupid. They could get away with far less planning if they didn't feel the need to hire outside entertainers.

Or maybe they were they planning to sneak away and have sex while the kids' attention was diverted? That $200 it cost them could have been spent so much more wisely were that the goal.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:48 PM
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Lest anyone be too jealous of heebie and her sleeping arrangements, they drink bad beer, plus one of the cats often actually tries to kill them.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:50 PM
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We drink sad beer, and the cat is crying out for attention.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:51 PM
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hiring, sight unseen, clowns and animals to be around your seven year old.

I would at least ask what kind of animal, I think that's only responsible.


Posted by: felix | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:52 PM
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Waterbed.

The slightest hint that 50 year old late marriage sex even exists will clear the room of 13 year old children. The threshold for getting rid of an early 20s child is only a little higher.


Posted by: Napi | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:53 PM
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97

Donkey? Yes. Polar Bear? Not a second time, thank you.


Posted by: felix | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 3:53 PM
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98

Geez, felix, you're such a micromanager. It's not the Normandy invasion, you know.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:04 PM
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99

It apparently clears 30 somethings from the internet as well.


Posted by: Napi | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:05 PM
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100

To be fair, a lot of us are 20 somethings


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:09 PM
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101

Napi, when the time in your life that you are interested in genealogy begins, the time in your life that contains sex should end.


Posted by: Auto-banned | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:11 PM
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102

Putting your mattress directly on the floor can lead to bad things happening to your floor. The mattress will pull the moisture from your sweaty sleeping body and hold it there, which can cause mildew and/or warping or other moisture damage to floorboards, as friends of mine discovered to their dismay.

Oh great. Now I have to start dragging the mattress around the bedroom. Fortunately the bed is coming any week now. Also, I don't sweat, I just glow. Makes it hard to fall asleep.


Posted by: mcmc | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:14 PM
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103

"Bad Santa" and "Shakes the Clown" cover the child-entertainment biz pretty well.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:16 PM
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104

101 strikes me as very wise, actually.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:17 PM
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105

So if you're a renter with landlord problems, you put your mattress on the floor and maybe put out an extra one and pour water on it.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:21 PM
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106

101 -- Your parents tell you that? Good for them.


Posted by: Napi | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:23 PM
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107

So, I see that the mere implication of 50 year old sex sets off the 40 year olds too. You're not that far off, missy.


Posted by: Napi | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:26 PM
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108

It's not the sex I object to. It's the interest in genealogy.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:27 PM
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109

Shorter 108: Fuck my ancestors!


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:35 PM
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110

So am I the only married here with mattress/boxspring on the floor? My wife & I broke her frame (ahem) shortly before moving into the new house, and it hardly seemed the highest priority, when moving into a house without a functioning toilet, to buy a new bedframe. 7 years later, the boxspring remains on wood studs (demoed from elsewhere in the house) laid on old jeans legs (to protect the refinished pine floor). We've had standing plans for a custom-designed, home-made frame for almost 4 years now, but other projects seem more important.

I just ran upstairs to check: alas, I missed my opportunity to see Ms. Jakiela at a local, intimate reading series some 3 years ago. We used to be regulars, to the point where our calendar for the day notes that we didn't go; now, it's noteworthy when we do make it.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:40 PM
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111

Also: I think it's a nice column.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:42 PM
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112

If the Sex Chair was given some name other than "Sex Chair", like "Chaise mutuelle" or something, I would find it a much less ridiculous potential purchase.


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:47 PM
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But JRoth, your boxspring isn't on the floor! It's on wood studs and old jeans legs.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:48 PM
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I read the article, and thought it was cute.

Me too!

Except: do all parents allow their 7 year olds to tyrannize their sex life like that? It sounded ridiculous to me. Proper lines of generational authority have to be established in that house.


Posted by: PerfectlyGoddamnDelightful | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:51 PM
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Come on. "Chaise mutuelle" as a euphemism for a sex chair makes it all so much more pervy.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 4:51 PM
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How about "Whoopie Seat"?


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 5:05 PM
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Better! More, you know, child-friendly.


Posted by: Jackmormon | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 5:07 PM
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I find this "Lives" piece from the NY Times Magazine to be transfixingly odd for its intensive reliance on the word "intercourse".


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 5:11 PM
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It would be worse. I recently attended a talk in which the phrase "the marital act" figured prominently. I could hardly restrain myself from standing up and screaming "Sex SEX SEEEEX, dammit!"


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 5:24 PM
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118: walked me to the bedroom, and lay me on my bed, and had intercourse with me.

Yeah. Ick.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 5:32 PM
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This story reminds me of the Johnny Cash song about the guy whose father wrote a NYT op-ed about the sex toys he and his wife used so his kid would get in a lot of fights and grow up tough.


Posted by: Gaijin Biker | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:15 PM
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That is truly awful.


Posted by: TJ | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:17 PM
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The most romantic man on earth has here enabled us all to gain his wisdom on the Marital Act, or as the book is titled, The Act of Marriage.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:22 PM
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The most romantic man on earth

Smoove B?


Posted by: felix | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:24 PM
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No, that's his wife and coauthor.


Posted by: Fatman | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:26 PM
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Quick responses to the article

It didn't help that Locklin's party had an Army theme.

This has to be your biggest mistake.

A few years back we finished the basement and built two offices -- one for Dave, one for me. One night Locklin woke up scared and came to find us. We were downstairs, each in our own little office. Locklin was incensed. Downstairs was too far away for us to save him from things like vampires and boredom.

Ok, this is where parents who indulge their kids recognize each other. Caroline is only two years younger than Lockin (what the hell kind of name is that?) but she doesn't let us get more than one room away from here.

I dug out the credit card we usually reserved for groceries and car repairs.

I'm not sure what demographic has several credit cards reserved for different functions. Normally the whiteys featured in modern love don't seem that alien to me. Do other people here fit this description?


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:27 PM
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do all parents allow their 7 year olds to tyrannize their sex life like that?

Our five year old hits us this hard, but I hope to be father along that this couple in two years.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:29 PM
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but I hope to be father along

Tell us more.


Posted by: md 20/400 | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:32 PM
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I'm not sure what demographic has several credit cards reserved for different functions.

I do this (or try to remember to) with respect to business expenses -- self-employed. It's a lot easier to do taxes if all the business expenses are on a separate card.

That's the only reason I can think of for separating charges like that.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:35 PM
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"further" or maybe "farther"

Or one of those words. I dunno. I've been the parent all day and now the kids are watching tv, and I'm getting into the beer.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:35 PM
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I don't even own a bed.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:36 PM
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That's the only reason I can think of for separating charges like that.

The reason I can think of is that you tend to max out your cards and you want to maintain a last line of defense that lets you buy necessities.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:38 PM
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I should mention that if you get divorced, the kids are gone for an entire weekend.

We could even do it on the sofa if we wanted to!!!


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:41 PM
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They say those beds of nails are actually quite comfortable.

You never have to tell the kids not to jump on your bed a second time.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:42 PM
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Anything father, further?


Posted by: caroline | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:42 PM
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133: Think of the yardwork you could get done.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:42 PM
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i sleep on a bed of nails made from unexploded bullets used by the Allies in the Normandy landings.


Posted by: Walt Someguy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:43 PM
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133: as long as you're having sex with someone other than your wife anyway, you might as well just go to their house and not need to get divorced.


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:43 PM
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126: It's a kosher thing, helpy-chalk, you're not allowed to mix groceries and entertainment expenses on the same credit card, except on Passover when you can just go hog wild if you like.


Posted by: felix | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:44 PM
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The nearest Key Foods currently has signs in all caps reading PASSOVER or NON-PASSOVER taped to the doors of the freezers.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:46 PM
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I'm not sure what demographic has several credit cards reserved for different functions.

The demographic that doesn't want the wife seeing the charges from the escort service.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:48 PM
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except on Passover when you can just go hog wild if you like.

You can go hog wild, but you still can't eat wild hog.


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:49 PM
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I read the credit card line to mean they usually only use the credit card for groceries and car repairs. And then use cash or debit card to pay for everything else.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 6:49 PM
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I've got a platform bed with an inner-spring mattress on top of it. I do have a knock-off Swedish foam "topper" (it's a couple of inches thick) that sits on top of the mattress which makes it quite comfy.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:02 PM
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Peter!! Support our team!


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:09 PM
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geeez BG, that makes it sound like you might hit your head on the ceiling.


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:10 PM
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Quiet will. People think that encouraging them to commit adultery will be an alternative to divorce. but no, they find that one leads to the other.


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:12 PM
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There's already a cloven-footed pig. They just have to modify it to chew the cud and it will be cool.


Posted by: John Emerson | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:13 PM
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#3: As if naming them Locklin and Phelan weren't revenge enough.

What do you think about the name "Winnie" for a girl? Cute, or fatally vulnerable to "Winnie the Pooh"-based teasing?


Posted by: Gaijin Biker | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:37 PM
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The nearest Key Foods currently has signs in all caps reading PASSOVER or NON-PASSOVER taped to the doors of the freezers.

The angel of death will microwave only those frozen dinners from freezers without the mark.


Posted by: TJ | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:37 PM
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The purpose of the box spring on the floor was originally sexual, but not really that kinky. It had to do with eliminating creaking sounds, stabilizing the bed, and allowing for better angles. My mother's take on it was, I think, somewhat more disturbing. Like, she asked, "Why in God's name is your bed on the floor?" I mumbled something about dust bunnies, and she continued to eye the whole setup with deep suspicion and significant, silent glaring. I still have the bed frame, but it's in my closet.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 7:42 PM
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Lockin (what the hell kind of name is that?)

Locklin. It's illiterate-faux-gaelic, I think.


Posted by: Hamilton-Lovecraft | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:03 PM
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gosh you aren't half a lot of sybarites; when I was your age I used to just kip down inside Motorhead's loudspeakers, waking up once or twice a night to hit myself in the balls with a baseball bat.


Posted by: dsquared | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:28 PM
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What do you think about the name "Winnie" for a girl?

It's a nickname. Winifred is kind of an awkward name. You'll have to think of something else if you want to use Winnie as a nickname, which is cute. Keep in mind, however, that the baby will grow up to be an adult woman, and she really is going to need a name other than "Winnie."


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:33 PM
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Fred!


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:35 PM
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Sorrow: I've just discovered a scratch in my iPhone's screen. Hardly noticeable - except on white backgrounds like Unfogged comment pages!

Alas.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:43 PM
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That would work, but you're still stuck with "Winifred" as the actual proper name, which is pretty bad.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:43 PM
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I generally think that offering any outlet to the association of your daughter with the word "Pooh" might be cruel. But AA Milne may not survive this generation.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:46 PM
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I associate Winnie with The Wonder Years more than with Milne.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:48 PM
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Kids! [shakes fist]


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:50 PM
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Yeah, thumbs down on Winnie. Apropos of nothing, there are a pair of sisters at my kids' daycare named Mercy Rose and Lily Grace.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:52 PM
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Winnie doesn't have to be a nickname for Winifred. It could be a nickname for Guinevere, or Gwyneth, or Jennifer, and no doubt some other names as well.


Posted by: Mary Catherine | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:53 PM
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doubt some other names as well.

Blacktarheroin.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:55 PM
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162: All of those are acceptable. Except Gwyneth, because everyone will think you've named her after the actress.

I give Winnie the thumbs up, with the caveat that a nickname is not a proper name, and you have to actually name her Guinevere or Jennifer instead.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:58 PM
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The Winnie of Winnie the Pooh is a nickname for Winnipeg. Admittedly, not much of an improvement over Winifred.


Posted by: Mary Catherine | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:59 PM
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153: Sybarite? Hardly. I used to stay in the Bobcat Goldthwaite Center for Drummers & Rapists. The bunks were made of wasps and I had to slit my own throat to get a wink of sleep (twice if I had to piss in the middle of the night).


Posted by: hypnotizingchickens | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 8:59 PM
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160: I'm pretty sure I'm older than you. By a year or so.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:05 PM
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167: That's depressing. I look a lot older than you do. I still reserve the right to shake my fist at These Kids Today as long as they're under 40.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:07 PM
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walked me to the bedroom, and lay me on my bed, and had intercourse with me.

I was having a conversation with someone earlier this weekend about the lack of a truly suitable middle ground between "fucking" and "making love" for describing sex that is not just crass and meaningless but isn't overly imbued with Meaning either. "Had intercourse with me," however, is about as unappealing as I've heard


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:12 PM
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truly suitable middle ground between "fucking" and "making love"

Doin' it.


Posted by: mrh | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:13 PM
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I most like saying "sexual intercourse" to refer to that kind of sex. I'd never say it to anyone I was having sex with, obviously, but it's sort of funny when part of a narration.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:15 PM
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That is, "intercourse" sounds self-important in a way that "sexual intercourse" is too over-the-top to be taken seriously. Plus, it's a good way of keeping myself from going too TMI in the narrative.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:16 PM
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#162: Winnie doesn't have to be a nickname for Winifred. It could be a nickname for Guinevere, or Gwyneth, or Jennifer, and no doubt some other names as well.

Yep. You're overlooking another, very obvious possibility.

Anyway, instead of Winnie, how about Wylie or Riley?


Posted by: Gaijin Biker | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:23 PM
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I was having a conversation with someone earlier this weekend about the lack of a truly suitable middle ground between "fucking" and "making love" for describing sex that is not just crass and meaningless but isn't overly imbued with Meaning either.

Gettin' it on

humpin'

"Takin' depositions"

Working out


Posted by: will | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:23 PM
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sort of funny when part of a narration.

Oh, gosh, not for including in a narration. At least not a narration existing outside of one's head. I would blush beet red!


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:25 PM
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In my bedroom currently are 3 beds. One is a platform, homemade, holding up a king size futon, sitting on a box that was originally built to hold up the queen size futon we slept on before kids. My wife and 3yo daughter sleep there, and either my 6yo daughter or I with them, whichever of us is not currently on the double mattress, on the floor next to it. My 8yo son, who has mostly not slept in our room for 4 years, since about the beginning of the last pregnancy, is sleeping on a single futon on the floor, not immediately adjacent to the other beds. He moved back in during a flu epidemic a couple months ago, and we probably won't kick him back out until school is over for the summer.

This affects our sex life fairly little in terms of frequency. We don't do it in there, obviously, unless it is otherwise unoccupied.


Posted by: Pantene | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:25 PM
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My paternal grandmother was a Winifred and went by "Winnie," and I still vote against. Unless you spell it "Nguyennie."


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:28 PM
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Di, your blog persona makes you sound sort of charmingly innocent. It's kinda sexy.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:29 PM
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174: Oh, if you make it lawyerly... "Conducting discovery" seems apt.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:30 PM
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Winnie a nickname for Jennifer? Seems like that's a bit of a stretch.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:31 PM
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178: Heh. I'm a randy little tramp trapped in the psyche of someone really quite wholesome and shy. It's a bit of a conundrum.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:33 PM
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"had relations with that person, [name of person]"


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:34 PM
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Also, I'm with eb that Winnie evokes the Wonder Years. Not sure if I mean that as a vote for or against, though.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:35 PM
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"Having sex"?


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:36 PM
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184: That sounds so clinical to me.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:37 PM
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"Slept with" is exactly right tonally. It is only upon close examination that the euphemism's replacement of an activity so very much unlike itself starts to sound cloying.

If you don't think about, though, I think it's quite right.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:40 PM
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Seriously, is there a phrase that conveys affection, but not too much affection? "Slept together" is sorta okay, but then I can't help but get hung up on the fact that it's so inaccurate.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:40 PM
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"Gettin' busy".


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:40 PM
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"Doinked."


Posted by: mrh | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:41 PM
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186: Whoa, the simultaneity of 186 and 187 is almost eerie.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:42 PM
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I've always been partial to "knockin' boots".


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:43 PM
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Simultaneous euphemism is only a myth.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:43 PM
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I enjoyed it, Di, and it seems you did too.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:44 PM
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"Sex" as a verb, then. As in, well, you know.


Posted by: hypnotizingchickens | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:44 PM
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191: I have a firm aversion to the wearing of footwear during the act of intercourse -- footwear based euphemisms are, ergo, a turnoff.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:44 PM
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diddled

181: ultra-sexy!


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:46 PM
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Some folks like 'requests for admissions' as part of the 'taking discovery' process and some don't.


Posted by: Nápi | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:46 PM
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I have a firm aversion to the wearing of footwear during the act of intercourse

Men have an unfortunate tendency to keep their socks on.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:47 PM
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Diddling -- or the abstract idea conveyed by the verb to diddle -- is sufficiently well understood. Yet the fact, the deed, the thing diddling, is somewhat difficult to define. We may get, however, at a tolerably distinct conception of the matter in hand, by defining- not the thing, diddling, in itself -- but man, as an animal that diddles. Had Plato but hit upon this, he would have been spared the affront of the picked chicken.
Very pertinently it was demanded of Plato, why a picked chicken, which was clearly "a biped without feathers," was not, according to his own definition, a man? But I am not to be bothered by any similar query. Man is an animal that diddles, and there is no animal that diddles but man. It will take an entire hen-coop of picked chickens to get over that.
What constitutes the essence, the nare, the principle of diddling is, in fact, peculiar to the class of creatures that wear coats and pantaloons. A crow thieves; a fox cheats; a weasel outwits; a man diddles. To diddle is his destiny. "Man was made to mourn," says the poet. But not so: -- he was made to diddle. This is his aim -- his object- his end. And for this reason when a man's diddled we say he's "done."

Posted by: edgar allen poe | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:47 PM
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198: Have a lot of the men you've slept with done this?

"Went home with" usually does the work if you're trying to be discreet.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:49 PM
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Men have an unfortunate tendency to keep their socks on.

Maybe just the ones you have sex with.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:49 PM
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I haven't figured out a good way to use demurrer here. Di describes herself as somewhat demure, but it's too different. Demurrer's an older procedure, not much in fashion (except for Will, I bet).


Posted by: Nápi | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:52 PM
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"To have sex with" is quite neutral to me.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:52 PM
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I think the only time I hear "diddled" used is when referring to pedophiles. Bad times.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:52 PM
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I thought if I left the fruit *really* low, pretty much lying on the ground, people would be too embarassed to bend over and pick it up. But noooo.

I have been informed of the sock issue by women. I always make a special effort to remove mine. Which always takes a moment of thought, indicating to me that it is all too easy to go wrong in this area.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:53 PM
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The thing about the Poe is that it's entirely about confidence tricks and swindles. It would be interesting to see where the usage changed (or if the sexual connotation was always there in the background).


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:54 PM
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I've been asked to keep my socks on for sex. But then, they were pretty incredible socks.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:55 PM
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197: Clearly, I have been neglecting the law as a source of euphemism! I suppose there's always "taking the case pro bono" (though, sadly, there is far too much "taking the case pro se"). Pleadings, of course. Which are preferable to complaints....


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:55 PM
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"diddled" was of course not serious.

Neutral --

spent the night with
stayed over with


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:55 PM
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It's not just guys who leave socks on. But hey, cold winters, and what the hell do I care?


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:55 PM
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210: But that's what the electric blanket is for! (Yeah, I'm kind of an old lady at heart. A randy, prudish, demure old lady.)


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 9:58 PM
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But that's what the electric blanket is for!

Good lord I'm glad I don't live anywhere with real winter.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:00 PM
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"met in chambers"


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:00 PM
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Why is it important to have a phrase to describe sex to people with whom one wouldn't be comfortable actually talking about sex? I think I tend to divide my friends and colleagues into the sorts of people I'd describe a lover as someone I was "seeing" (no need for my professors to imagine me literally having sex with anyone) and the sorts of people I'd describe a lover as someone I was having sex with in some other more candid way. But, despite my reputation, I do often just use "seeing." Like, "I saw him last weekend" or "We've seen each other a few times." "Seeing" is the new "knowing."


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:02 PM
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(The unspoken context there would be that I'd never say of a friend, "I saw him just last weekend" without specifying, like, "at a bar.")


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:03 PM
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with the caveat that a nickname is not a proper name, and you have to actually name her Guinevere or Jennifer instead

or be snubbed in proper society forEVAR!!!


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:05 PM
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"enjoyed the pleasure of [appropriate pronoun's] company"


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:05 PM
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Waterbed, y'all. Leave the socks on the floor, where they belong.

Let's not have any of that unclean hands stuff neither.


Posted by: Nápi | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:06 PM
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I'd never say of a friend, "I saw him just last weekend" without specifying, like, "at a bar.")

I've heard about bars like that in the Big Wicked City.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:07 PM
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"Seeing" also works with the proposition, in that no one would confuse the "Looking forward to seeing you!" that one sends to Grandma with the "I'd really like to see you" one sends to someone you want to have sex with.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:07 PM
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Oh man, I once dated a guy with a waterbed of the not very sophisticated variety -- just a big sack of water in a frame. Too slooshy for me, that.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:08 PM
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218: So you're advocating latex gloves?


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:08 PM
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More seriously, I've heard people use "intimate with" in conversation.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:08 PM
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Why is it important to have a phrase to describe sex to people with whom one wouldn't be comfortable actually talking about sex?

I was only a little serious about the blushing beet red thing... But, I dunno, even if the entire dissertation stays locked up in my head for all eternity, I personally like having words or phrases to describe things. Because I like language and want it to capture things perfectly. You could probably do an interesting analysis about what my discomfort with the typical language of sex says about me or society or both.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:08 PM
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"Be seeing you!"


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:09 PM
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220: bad you/one usage. Negative five points!


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:09 PM
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the "I'd really like to see you" one sends to someone you want to have sex with.

That should be "RLY LIKE 2CU". It's faster to type, and at 3 in the morning and drunk every second counts.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:10 PM
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224: But doesn't it matter to whom you're describing it? I feel the need to use a lot of different registers of language when talking about sex. If it's to myself, like in my limerick diary (not updated past 2004), it's all whatever the language of the act demands in my memory. I wouldn't use the same language to describe it to any person alive. Then there's the language I use with very close friends, the language for acquaintances, for colleagues, for parents, etc. Knowing what language you use for yourself, and with that partner, are, I think, the most difficult.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:12 PM
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More seriously, I've heard people use "intimate with" in conversation.

Ooh, I find this one quite awful. I suspect that is at least partly snobbishness on my part, derived in part from the same thing that makes me loathe "master bedroom" and "passed on".


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:12 PM
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225: The hand gesture that goes with that means "skullfucking."


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:13 PM
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Part part partly part.


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:13 PM
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Ha!


Posted by: redfoxtailshrub | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:14 PM
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But doesn't it matter to whom you're describing it?

Yes, I think so.

I've heard people use "intimate with" in conversation.

My objection to this one is very much like my objection to "making love." Both phrases are just too serious, too confining.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:19 PM
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Both "master bedroom" and especially "passed on" sound more like the type of euphemism that is "making love" than "intimate" to me.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:19 PM
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I've been asked to keep my socks on for sex. But then, they were pretty incredible socks.

Seems odd to ask for socks-wearing, but whatever. The last time I was, uh, "with" someone who liked to keep her socks on, she was kind of a hippie and the socks were atrocious, like knee-high and sreamingly multicolored and stripey. Not the only time I've dropped my standards and my pants at the same time.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:23 PM
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Sock-hater.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:28 PM
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"Have sex" seems about right to me.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:30 PM
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knee-high and sreamingly multicolored and stripey

Those sound kind of awesome.


Posted by: Matt F | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:30 PM
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the socks were atrocious, like knee-high and sreamingly multicolored and stripey

I'm having trouble applying the adjective "atrocious" to what comes next.


Posted by: mrh | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:30 PM
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"Intimate" implies different things to different people. If one says "We were intimate" with a subtle eyebrow-raise, it means sex. Otherwise, it could mean you, like, cuddled and talked about your hopes and dreams. If you're trying to get at the former without implying the latter, you're probably talking to someone who wouldn't be shocked by the revelation that you "had sex."


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:31 PM
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That was supposed to be "screamingly." And you people are weird.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:32 PM
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I think a quick appeal to the internet will indicate that YOU are weird.


Posted by: mrh | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:33 PM
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242: Search term: "schoolgirl uniform"


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:36 PM
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Eh, I'm not invested in intimacy. I mean, in the word "intimate." It's just closer to meaning what it means than "making love", which I hope falls out of usage completely in all contexts.


Posted by: eb | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:38 PM
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Next time I'm tempted to break out my thigh-high screamingly stripey socks with white flowers up the sides for sex, I'll just ask myself, WWJD?


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:38 PM
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243: Seriously. They were like part of a schoolgirl uniform at clown school.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:39 PM
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Bonking, porking, poking, fornicating, freaking, sexxoring, boning, having intimate relations, making the beast with two backs, grinding, bumping and grinding, etc.

Knee-high screamingly multicolored and stripey socks sound awesome to me.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:40 PM
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They were like part of a schoolgirl uniform at clown school

SEXY clown school.


Posted by: mrh | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:41 PM
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Orifices were penetrated.


Posted by: Richard Milhous Nixon | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:42 PM
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SEXY orifices.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:43 PM
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246: As long as the person wearing them has a proper name, of course.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:43 PM
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I thought Maggie Gyllenhaal looked way hot in the knee high white socks she kept on in "Secretary."

But then again, maybe I'm trying to defend my anemic poorly circulating, frigid extremeties. Year 'round, I would love to wear socks to sleep. My boyfriend would find socks during sex truly weird, and socks alone (or say, with panties) to sleep in as creepy. Alas, my feet, they are always cold, and shared body heat is not enough.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:43 PM
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247.1: Almost all of those strike me as equivalents to "fucking" except "having intimate relations" (which seems to me how one might describe it in a legal document, maybe) and "sexxoring" (which I don't know the actual origin of, but always interpret roughly as "fucking among computer geeks").

Count me as a fan of the stripey socks, too -- but one would still have to get such socks offs before one could ever hope to get me off...


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:46 PM
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252: Your boyfriend has issues. You want us to talk to him?

Alternative strategy, touch him with your cold cold feet, "accidentally" but repeatedly, preferably just as he's dropping off to sleep. Soon he'll start insisting that you wear socks.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:47 PM
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I'll just ask myself, WWJD?

Obviously, I would ignore the socks, which is conveniently easy to do. And I would love you up anyway. The socks-wearer was a real sweetie, BTW, so I don't mean to disparage anything about her other than the Seussian sex in socks.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:48 PM
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254: I'm with Belle's boyfriend -- if you are cold enough for socks, you are cold enough for jammies.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:49 PM
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Studies show that both men and women who keep their socks on during sex are more likely to achieve orgasm.

Don't ask me who the men less likely to achieve orgasm are.


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:49 PM
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256: Footie jammies?


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:51 PM
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SEXY clown school

Mouseover.


Posted by: hypnotizingchickens | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:53 PM
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Studies show!


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:53 PM
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Studies frickin' show!


Posted by: Wrongshore | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:53 PM
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Bonking, porking, poking, fornicating, freaking, sexxoring, boning

Dorky, gross, childish, disapprovingly Biblical, fake-ghetto, incomprehensible, gross again...

Almost all words for fucking implicitly disparage or diminish it in some way. I think it's fine to just not talk about it too much, use the extra time to do it more.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:56 PM
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Subquestion: what if you two have different temperature ratings?

I get cold easily, but first and foremost, feet and hands. I think it's the anemia. He's always warm. "If it's cold enough for socks, it's cold enough for jammies"--but then only I would be in jammies. He'd be mostly naked. This is a year-round problem. We live in the Bay Area, where in the summer it can be quite cool.

We're still working out a compromise. He won't wear the jammies I've bought for him, but will often wear jeans to bed if staying at my place if it's cold enough. Or else go commando. Either way, it's rubbing up against denim (ugh) or the mismatch of clothed flesh rubbing against naked flesh. My solution is to both be clothed or both be naked, and if I'm too cold, I put an extra blanket over my half of the bed.

I have knee-high multi-striped socks. He didn't dig. Alas.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 10:56 PM
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Jeans to bed? In preference to comfy jammies? Where'd you find this guy?

And seriously, he tells you you can't wear socks to sleep in?


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:01 PM
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I cannot help it if you people are unable to talk about sex with a little bit of humor.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:01 PM
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I think it's fine to just not talk about it too much, use the extra time to do it more.

Okay, I'll go with this one. This one plus the trance part of Wrongshore's study in 261. The study of people strapped into a PET scanner, however, does not persuade that socks are acceptable for actual, otherwise naked, sex.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:03 PM
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Telling is a bit strong. " Exhibiting strong dispreference for" more like it. And only when that's the only thing I'm wearing, in addition to say panties + socks, or a t-shirt + panties + socks. Socks alone sound weird, yes, but you don't have anemia, where often that's the only cold part of you. Panties + socks sounds weird, yes, but dude, watch Secretary.

Jeans to bed is so weird to me, but he says I am pajamas-normative.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:03 PM
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How about socks with no panties? Clearly, the benefit of owning thigh-high socks is that it's like wearing footie pajamas to bed, warmth-wise, except you can spontaneously have sex in the middle of the night without removing anything. Tell him thigh-high socks are the crotchless panties of anemia.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:05 PM
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Socks alone sound weird, yes, but you don't have anemia

I'm sympathetic. Not anemic, but low-thyroid and tend to be cold pretty constantly. The mere thought of sleeping naked, for like an entire night, makes me shiver.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:09 PM
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Belle, your boyfriend is weird. Wearing socks to bed while naked is fine. Wearing pajamas is fine. Wearing jeans is dumb, and bugging your gf who is *cold at night* for wanting to wear night clothes so she won't be cold is mean.

That said, the extra blanket on your side is a very considerate and thoughtful compromise on your part, and he should darn well be grateful.


Posted by: bitchphd | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:09 PM
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He should want you're feet to be warm, Belle. Trying to get to sleep with cold feet sucks, and sleeping is not a fashion show!

Clearly the only solution is the one I outlined above. You must make him feel your pain: "Oh, did I accidentally touch your calve with my cold feet and wake you up again, honey? I'm sorry. I'll sure try not to do it again."


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:10 PM
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AWB, that is awesome.

Is it just me, or is the world divided into socks/no socks people? I find socks hot, so long as they are not the thick, athetic tube sock type.

But I am also the type of girl with "cute socks." I have colorful striped socks, socks with monkeys, socks with pandas, and on and on. I think that socks are awesome and the one thrilling, semi-secret bit of weird wardrobe in my otherwise business-casual demeanor. It is not unlike ladies who wear fancy lingerie under their suits, except that my habit is super affordable and comfortable.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:11 PM
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What about wearing socks over jeans to bed, is that weird?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:12 PM
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I have no particular opinion on wearing socks to bed (for any purpose), though I don't do so myself. Wearing jeans to bed, however, sounds totally bizarre.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:14 PM
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Thanks, Bitch and M/tch.

At this point, now that we have been dating long enough for me to take advantage of that fact, I wear what I want. Usually real pajamas for me, and whatever for him. Except when I want to cuddle, and so I try to dress/undress to match, plus/minus the blanket of considerateness.


Posted by: Belle Lettre | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:15 PM
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Are cutoff jeans okay? What if they're really, really short?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:15 PM
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How about a jean jacket? That's actually quite a comfortable way to sleep.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:16 PM
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what if you two have different temperature ratings?

This is totally my situation. I just wear boxers to bed year round. Jeans? Caring about sock wearing? Sheesh.


Posted by: gswift | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:16 PM
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Women in thigh-highs are totally different than men in socks. Totally different.

Jeans to bed is utterly bizarre.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:17 PM
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276-277: once again, Sifu shows up the rest of us as humorless twits.


Posted by: PGD | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:18 PM
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The Crotchless Panties of Anemia, the Blanket of Considerateness, geez, it's all starting to sound like some kind of freaky Dungeons and Dragons adventure.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:21 PM
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That'll show you to attempt to seriously answer somebody's question!


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:22 PM
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281: you are about to get pantsed by a Grue.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:23 PM
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My goat doesn't like it when I wear an accordian to bed.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:24 PM
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Women in thigh-highs are totally different than men in socks.

Yeah, it's actually possible to sleep in socks, for one.

I will never knock sex in socks, or what have you. Sure, it seems a little weird and porny for a guy to keep just his socks on while getting up down and all around, but it probably seems weird to a lot of people for a woman to keep boots on for the main event. And even porny can be fun on occasion.

Sex in a jean jacket and cowboy boots is a rare treat I reserve for only those times when I shave down to a mustache and don my aviators.


Posted by: Po-Mo Polymath | Link to this comment | 04-13-08 11:53 PM
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I just wear boxers to bed year round.

The tight ones, or the loose ones? Just trying to get the full picture here.

Socks in bed are cosy. Jeans in bed is not.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 12:52 AM
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I have a firm aversion to the wearing of footwear during the act of intercourse

The Duke returned from the wars today and did pleasure me in his top-boots.


Posted by: Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 2:18 AM
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287: twice, I believe, at least according to her grace's diaries.

Temperature: women almost always have lower temperature ratings by about 5 centigrade than men - ask, for example, someone in an outdoor shop, who should know that the rating on a sleeping bag (say, "comfortable at minus 10") applies to men, and women will stop being comfortable at about minus 5. The best solution I can think of is an eiderdown that's thicker on one side than the other (blanket inside, down one half).

Also: "high-end". Huh huh huh huh huh.


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 2:56 AM
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I haven't figured out a good way to use demurrer here. Di describes herself as somewhat demure, but it's too different. Demurrer's an older procedure, not much in fashion (except for Will, I bet).

Using demurrer in the bedroom might be bad since you are saying that the other side lacks something. Although, in a certain way, you would be testing the sufficiency of...

Perhaps Di prefers to crave oyer?


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 6:23 AM
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BR's feet are ice cold. Socks are ok.


Posted by: Will | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 6:23 AM
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Belle, comment 272 is totally awesome. Also, hott.


Posted by: mrh | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 6:28 AM
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sadly, there is far too much "taking the case pro se"

A lawyer who represents herself has a fool for a client.

"Takin' depositions"
"We were takin' depositions, but it was over so quickly I had to ask him for more and better particulars."


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 6:34 AM
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"We started takin' depositions, but the whole time I was like, 'objection as to the form!'"


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 6:38 AM
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Sometimes the verdict is effectively secured in the course of the pre-trial motions.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 6:45 AM
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The Crotchless Panties of Anemia, the Blanket of Considerateness, geez, it's all starting to sound like some kind of freaky Dungeons and Dragons adventure.

Complete with the Lover of Extreme Pickiness +2. Belle, is his objection to pajamas about the fabric? I'm trying to figure out how jeans are okay but soft pajama fabric isn't.

shivbunny is a blast furnace who gets cold in the morning, and I am usually cold at night and overheat in the morning. Sheets & comforters end up everywhere.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 7:37 AM
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Perhaps Di prefers to crave oyer?

I'll try anything once...

Sometimes the verdict is effectively secured in the course of the pre-trial motions.

It happens to lots of guys... But I suppose it's no worse than trying to press an action before it's ripe.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 7:52 AM
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But I suppose it's no worse than trying to press an action before it's ripe.

Yes, nothing is more embarassing than having a case summarily dismissed for lack of standing.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 7:56 AM
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My favorite (because it's so bad) euphemism for sex is Venus--which nobody uses anymore. C.S. Lewis wrote a whole book on love called the Four Loves, and in the chapter on eros, he talks about Venus all the time.


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:08 AM
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The only time(s) I have worn jeans to bed is when I have face planted drunk into the covers. I was probably even wearing shoes.
Perhaps Belle's bf is a nevernude.


Posted by: oudemia | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:15 AM
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she was kind of a hippie and the socks were atrocious, like knee-high and screamingly multicolored and stripey

So what's Pippi Longstocking like in the sack?


Posted by: Populuxe | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:30 AM
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So what's Pippi Longstocking like in the sack?

Pretty plain vanilla at first, but then she suggested that Herr Nilsson get involved...


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:40 AM
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So what's Pippi Longstocking like in the sack?

She'll toss you around like a Raggedy Andy doll. Not recommended.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 8:47 AM
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The prehensile pigtails would seem to offer some interesting erotic possibilities.


Posted by: M/tch M/lls | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:32 AM
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"swiving".

Also, socks are no problem.


Posted by: peter | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:57 AM
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Oh, and GB, Milne may be sliding out of fashion, but Disney ate Pooh, so "Winnie" will be associated with the bear that lived under the name of Saunders for a while yet.

It's not bad, though I agree with B that it might be advisable to have Winnie as the nickname for something that can age well.


Posted by: Cala | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 9:59 AM
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Disney ate Pooh

The anti-semitism I knew about, but this is just sick.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 10:01 AM
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have Winnie as the nickname for something that can age well.

Like cheese.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 04-14-08 10:05 AM
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