You've eaten a fire extinguisher.
Well, not "eaten". But it it's in you.
There appear to be good reasons to run outside. Plus, I like the change in scenery. Don't sweat it Stanley. Far more embarrassing things occur at the gym, I imagine. I wouldn't know, though. I don't work out in gyms. I did go once or twice with my former roommate, but her Monica Seles-like orgasmic grunts whenever she lifted weights were slightly mortifying and so I resolved to run outdoors by myself for miles and miles until I could forget the stares and smirks of the dudes at the gym.
There are all sorts of delightful surprises about running--side aches, getting so hot you can feel the heat come off your body, sweating buckets, hurting knees and ankles. But then there's that runner's high after a few miles, and the increased health and metabolism, and so it's sort of worth it. I still think it's an awesome way to get total body fitness, but that's mainly because I don't know how to swim and am afraid to learn.
Far more embarrassing things occur at the gym
I should have more accurately dubbed them "after effects". At the office. At the grocery store. Etc.
But otherwise, good running encouragement. I appreciate it.
hat's mainly because I don't know how to swim and am afraid to learn
This is just a test to see if ogged is still reading, isn't it.
I'm experiencing the same thing. Especially at bed-time. I don't know if it's normal though.
Try strengthening your clenching muscles.
I do love running long distances. I did my first 18 miler on Friday. Buckets of fun, though now I have a strange bruise on one of my toes.
appear to be good reasons to run outside. Plus, I like the change in scenery.
Might there be a situational coastal California vs inland NJ justification for this preference ?
The Econolicious gold-plated tax deductible health insurance plan provides for a personal trainer and a dietician to balance inputs and outputs.
Might there be a situational coastal California vs inland NJ justification for this preference ?
Indeed there might. I am pretty smug about the year-round perfect outdoor running weather in my neighborhood. I figure it's a fair trade for freezing in bed last night. (The roommate failed to pay the PG&E bill, and hence, no heat. Utility bills: not that hard to pay, people. He says he's going to join the world of autopay.)
1. None of the components of typical flatus gas is a noble gas/
2. Are you training for anything in particular, feldspar?
Stanley gives himself XeF4 enemas.
XeF4 is not a noble gas. Just get a bottle of Argon or Helium up in there and stop trying to be a scientist, W-lfs-n.
Would helium give Stanley funny, high-pitched farts? I can't wait to find out.
Construct a fusion reactor in Stanley's ass and we can find out!
Also, apologies. Crabby, 'cause Mrs.TJ's bosses keep punching her in the science.
Can't I just deflate a balloon into it?
That's sexual harrassment, and she doesn't have to take it.
11: I did put a team together to run the Ragnar Relay*, but the 18 miler was mostly just for fun (my previous longest run was 13 miles).
Well, ok, I am also training for the Twin Cities marathon.
I don't push myself, I just let my body run how it feels. I wasn't actually planning on running 18 that day.
(That run took me about 2.5 hours, not including stops for water and stretches. The 8.5-ish min/mile pace was on the fast side for me.)
I find it meditative, you know?
After blog stalking you, I see you've been doing no small amount of running yourself!
*: For this race you are supposed to rent two large (12- or 15- passenger) vans. Except the fucking Republicans decided to rent them all for their blasphemous convention. God, I hate them so much.
She's a chemist, and they're not letting her do anything in a remotely scientific fashion.
I suggest the Mineshaft contract with Mrs. TJ to determine the cause of Stanley's condition in a rigorously scientific fashion.
Speaking of exercise-induced hilarity: Woman "Sling-Shot" from Machine at Gym.
I had never heard this complaint, but here is an article entitled "What is Normal Gas" from the American Running Association that talks about this very problem.
It's long been suspected that runners -- even moderate-intensity, recreational middle-distance runners -- are more prone to intestinal gas than average, non-running adults.
I still think it's an awesome way to get total body fitness, but that's mainly because I don't know how to swim and am afraid to learn.
me neither, but I'm starting to learn and it's really fun. Plus, eventually your body is likely to give out with running (mine did), so swimming is pretty key.
Adults seem to be unable to understand that another adult *cannot swim*. I've had people try to teach me to swim by starting off in the deep end of a swimming pool -- they don't get the point that I could potentially die that way. Or at least have to be embarassingly rescued.
She's a chemist, and they're not letting her do anything in a remotely scientific fashion.
Process engineering by numerology! All the cool kids are doing it...
Per the topic of the post, how long have you been at this new running regimen, Stanley? I wonder if perhaps your innards will eventually adjust to all the extra jostling around and quit betraying you so.
Interesting - I recently started a serious exercise program and have also noticed an uptick in farts. I'd ascribed it to the accompanying change in diet, but it could well be the exercise (60 minutes a day on an elliptical trainer, so physically similar to running). I rather like farting, so it's no biggie to me.
Oh, man. Perfect excuse not to take up exercisig again. I'm already gassy--I might killy my family if I started running.
Laydeez.
That is strange. I definitely get gassy from running, but it's during the run itself. Very odd and annoying actually, as I'll start belching after the first half-mile and keeping having to interrupt my breaths for about a quarter-mile until it all seems to have worked its way out. Something about the bumping around, I think.
it's also to troll Will.
Belle is going to learn how to swim, darn it!!!
31: Yes, this most likely just the result of swallowing too much air from the jouncing around.
On the other end, from the article I quoted above:
For starters, it's important to understand that the average adult releases one to three pints of intestinal gas daily. Releasing gas 10 to 20 times a day is considered average. Most of this occurs without our knowledge. Some people are simply more sensitive to the presence of gas or less tolerant of its effects.
I also had no idea what "Beano" really was and how it worked. Turns out that its active ingredient is the enzyme alpha galactosidase which helps break down complex sugars before they get to the large intestine.
You know, I get this as well, although not enough to worry much about it. I always kinda figured that getting your heart rate and blood oxygenation up with exercise meant that all your various digestive processes sped up afterwards, and the post-exercise gas wasn't so much additional gas, as moving the same amount of gas through the system faster. (Like, total volume for a 24hr period would be the same, but with a 2 hr spike after working out.) But as I said, it's never been bad enough to worry about.
Handy running advice: if, for some reason, you thought playing soccer with a medicine ball might be a good idea, why not consider skipping your run the next day, just on the off chance your big toe might get swollen and incredibly painful if you don't? Food for thought!
I've long held by the maxim that "running makes me regular," though admittedly, it's probably not as successful as fiber. Part of that is increased flatulence while running. (To fart within 10 minutes of home usually means the run will be a good one.)
And congratulations on the new regimen, Stanley. I hope you continue to enjoy it.
it's never been bad enough to worry about.
That's easy for you to say.
re: 35
Heh. I broke a finger once playing volleyball with a basketball [infuriatingly, I'd been asked to do so as part of a strengthening exercise by volleyball coach].
I experimented with running, but my right ankle started hurting and continued to hurt for weeks after I gave up running out of fear of permanently crippling myself. It is fine now, but I don't want to run ever again. I do take daily walks.
I should probably take up swimming -- perhaps that's what I'll do in the event that I get some type of "job." (Finishing the PhD will make me much more competitive in the cab driving and convenience store management job markets, but the effects are mixed when it comes to bartending. Perhaps they'll misunderstand my seminary degree as an indication that I'm good at listening to people and fooling them into thinking I give a fuck about their problems.)
My worst gas attacks--frontal and rectal--arrived in the months during which I was studying for my comprehensive exams. They abated, albeit too slowly for my taste, after the exams, but not before I alienated those around me. I was able to hold it in during the oral portion of the exam, somehow, whereupon it followed that I transfixed the grad student lounge with my flatulations.
Oh it could be so much worse... you could get runner's trots.
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I just went down to the local rookery and watched a group of about 20 pelicans soaring for about 20 minutes. They were over land and not hunting or fishing, just kicking back AFAICT.
Pelicans have a nine-foot wingspan and when they're flying their shape and markings are dramatic-looking. Their flight is powerful , easy, and smooth. All the cartoons and jokes about pelicans are a big fat lie. They're not comic at all.
|>
You may return to your regularly scheduled fart jokes.
I don't really want to know how 44 knows what 44 seems to know.
Pelicans are beautiful in flight. Near my school there's an oceanfront cliff where you can watch them fly past at eye level or slightly below. They swoop in big flocks; very cool.
There's an empty niche for a good youtube video of soaring pelicans. There are two nice tries but they're out of focus and don't get the feeling at all. Your eyes are better than cameras.
I like seeing lines of pelicans on patrol.
Also, Stanley, are you stretching your calves, so the shin splints don't worsen?
||
Sifu, I'm glad to see you're not in jail.
|>
Charges of conspiracy, computer intrusion, fraud and identity theft have been brought against people from Estonia, Ukraine, China and Belarus, as well as the United States.
Really not an American's game.
A grand jury yesterday indicted Albert "Segvec" Gonzalez of Miami on charges of computer fraud, wire fraud, access device fraud, aggravated identity theft and conspiracy. According to the indictment, Gonzalez and his co-conspirators obtained the credit card numbers by "wardriving," or driving around in commercial areas of Miami looking for accessible WiFi networks. They allegedly hacked into those networks on their laptop and installed "sniffer" programs that captured card numbers, passwords and other personal information.
"Sophisticated", my ass. Why didn't they just root through dumpsters?
"Sophisticated", my ass. Why didn't they just root through dumpsters?
Kids these days! Right, Sifu?
Seriously. Back in my day... well, it was really easy, then, too.
Remember, kids: stealing credit card numbers is boring and easy!
46: Let's just say I wish I knew why I knew about 44, and that I wish 44 didn't exist.
They can hardly have wardriven all forty million, can they? Unless the wardriving was in order to get pwds to something else, where they then snagged all the ccs?
Meanwhile, I've been running daily for some weeks now, and feeling the benefit. Pretty soon I'll be able to hide from pursuing Mounties in one of Dsquared's old corsets.
Apparently flatulence is thought of as the mild form of runner's trots.
55: wardriving to get on store networks to install sniffers; if they're stores in high-traffic areas they're going to run a lot of credit cards.
May I suggest some reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Fart-Proudly-Writings-Benjamin-Franklin/dp/1583940790
All the cartoons and jokes about pelicans are a big fat lie. They're not comic at all.
They are if you're into sick humor.
'Bam! That doesn't feel so good'
Emeril goes to Gitmo.
I'm pretty sure what you are seeing is an increase in the tone of your penis sphincter muscle. For males, running may be kinda like a female Kegal exercise. Are you circumcised?
Essentially what should come out as a solid stream (aka piss like a racehorse) comes out as if the showerhead was set to 'mist.' So to speak.
The recommended medical fix is to install an expandable sleeve up the urethra, but AFAIK nobody has ever accepted that procedure.
Oh, wait, you've been turned into a human Salad-Shooter? Oh. Ignore my 60.
I certainly don't naturally have the classic runner's body type—even at my leanest my weight is still near the Clydesdale threshold for many races—but I nonetheless picked running for chief mode of exercise because of its extraordinary time and gear efficiency. I can get a great running workout in an hour; a biking workout of similar intensity would take much much longer, and would be much less safe to do after dark, which is often when I end up exercising. And I love that I need only pack my shoes and smelly smelly shorts in order to be prepared to work out while on a trip.
62 is right about how easy it is; it seems the most resistant of anything I've tried to ever-increasing gear complexity. Even bicycling seems to get loaded up with clipless shoes and helmets and so on. Sneakers! Sneakers are easy.
I can't tell you what a hassle it is to pack all my barbells and kettlebells for every trip. I've given up bringing a full length bar.
62 is right about the gear (although swimming is similar), wrong about the intensity compared to biking. It's true that if you don't cycle much, you can have trouble hitting sustained high energy output, but the same is true for the very beginning runner (although typically random people have done more of the latter). Biking is much easier on your knees and ankles. Both suffer from being incomplete workouts.
Farting sucks.
UR DOIN IT WRONG.
64: seriously and the folding Nautilus is just a hassle.
65: you need a pool for swimming.
I think he's right about cycling, too, if only because a high-intensity workout on a bike requires a lot more real estate (or, I guess, a velodrome).
||
I think Paris Hilton knows some comedy writers. Does anyone know of a transcript?
|>
69: funny or die is Will Ferrell's site.
Travel is so much easier now that I've given up pole vaulting.
Running isn't that cardio-efficient.
There are lots of high-intensity exercises that (it seems) give similar CV benefits in less time.
It's quite nice to do, when I ran regularly I enjoyed it, but it's not that efficient a form of exercise.
Also, everyone says that stretching the calves prevents shin-splints. A claim on which I cry bullshit.
I can't tell you what a hassle it is to pack all my barbells and kettlebells for every trip.
The endless disputes with the TSA screeners must have driven you crazy.
65: True enough, as I don't doubt Lance Armstrong is capable of hitting sustained high-intensities. Maybe the real issue is that in this heavily trafficked city there's typically not enough open, stoplight-free road to let 'er rip for a substantial amount of time. Getting a good bike workout up in Marin is certainly not hard.
the folding Nautilus is just a hassle
Once again, Skymall has the solution to your lifestyle problems.
It's quite nice to do
No, it's not. Running sucks. Almost as much as farting.
Exercise where it counts, laydeez.
Would you believe that Swift's "The Benefits of Farting Explain'd, or, The Fundament-all Cause of the Distempers Incident to the Fair Sex" is not online?
70: Chris Henchy and Adam McKay are credited along with Paris. Henchy (Mr. Brooke Shields) has confessed to a dislike of George. McKay is a Ferrell partner and writes for Huffington. Case closed, I think.
80: That's it, we might as well just shut down this whole Internet thing then. It's obviously not good for anything.
77: Winemaking sucks.
Let's ask Jim Fixx which sucks more, shall we? (Actually, I know of a guy around here who died making wine, so perhaps we'll have to call it a draw.)
SkyMall continues to fascinate.
"Big Foot the Garden Yeti" Sculpture
With his characteristically big feet, our over two-foot- tall Garden Yeti will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative gardening style! With alleged sightings the world over from the highest Himalayas to the northwest United States, this elusive, mythical legend has been captured exclusively for toscano in quality designer resin and finely hand-painted for startling realism.
Wow! Is that two-foot Big Foot Yeti, or are you just a startingly creative gardener?
83: Remember, CO2 kills. Don't crawl into the vat to get your frisbee.
If risk of death is the only qualification for suckiness, what's the ultimate non-sucky activity we should be pursuing? Napkin folding?
Actually, I rather like napkin folding.
86: heh, I used to go to a drag bar in SF that had one of those. Lemme tell ya, drag queens like their Jägermeister.
87: I still haven't read the archives, but I think I'm correct that commenting on this blog has yet to lead directly to a fatality.
I'm going to visit Jesus's vineyard and bring one of these so I can keep up with all the shop talk.
commenting on this blog has yet to lead directly to a fatality
Ogged once threatened to strangle Farber if he didn't stop transcribing his sex diaries in the comments. So almost!
Wine Master is a mighty wizard that gives you mastery over the most serious wine shop clerks and sommeliers. Brushed aluminum with chrome accents.
A mighty wizard! Mastery! In brushed aluminum! So awesome.
Thank goodness you had Gary Farber's erotic fantasies ready at hand, apo.
Back to the SkyMall: is this the greatest contribution to sloth the western world has yet devised? I argue yes.
Why would the Wine Master give its mastery to someone else? Shouldn't it use its mastery to control its "owner", as it defeats one snooty sommelier and wine shop clerk after another?
A taxonomy of Skymall products, in 10 categories:
1. Products that serve to hide or disguise common household articles (e.g. fake rock, dogfood dispenser)
2. Products which serve to display sentimentally significant or putatively prestige-enhancing belongings
3. Items which purport to simplify a rarely performed, but somewhat awkward or complex task (e.g. insect vacuum, gutter cleaner).
4. Items which replace a longed-for luxury with an inferior alternative (e.g. countertop dishwasher, carpet tiles, mosquito netting "screen door")
5. Items which signal the owner's interest, whether real or feigned, in a putatively status-enhancing activity (e.g. wine coasters, baseball memorabilia)
6. Items which are intended as whimsical conversation starters (yeti statue, treebark faces)
7. Items which are intended to provoke jealousy on the part of one's companions (e.g. golf course rangefinder, personalized golf balls)
8. Items which are intended to signal love and interest in one's children (or pets), or to bring back a touch of childhood in one's own life (e.g. pool floats, giant popcorn popper)
9. Items which are intended to create a feeling of pampering to enhance relaxation (massage chairs, heated towel racks, multifunction remote controls)
10. Items which are intended to provide a feeling of security from improbable threats (fingerprint activated safe, firesafe oxygen mask)
Is that list MECE?
is this the greatest contribution to sloth the western world has yet devised?
Mmm, it's got a ways to go before it displaces methaqualone.
Tiger Direct advertises in SkyMall these days, so, not CE, and I suspect 7 overlaps with many other categories (eg 2), so not ME.
Are those paranoid "increase your vocabulary" ads in skymall, or in in-flight magazines? Both of types of publication offers a lot of perhaps invalid insight into the psychology of the upper-middle-class businessy striver, at least as seen by advertisers.
I imagine the Wine Master as something like a taser, with which one can shock the snooty in restaurants and wine shops. Belittle me with your expertise, will you? ZAP!
Tweety, aren't you tempted to get a couple of motorized pool loungers and attempt an ocean voyage? We could maybe get sponsorships.
Napkin folding?
Maybe not, "The Death Napkin".
98 is great.
A screen door is a luxury? For people who can afford to buy an airplane ticket?
Again, not easily categorized by Knecht's list.
I think, were 8 to be recast as "items which are intended to make spending time with one's children as low-effort and mechnically mediated as possible", then we might be getting someplace.
Yes, 98 provides a lot of food for thought.
But another category is "Items which are obsolete, but are bought with the intention of appearing to have owned the item before it was obsolete." Maybe this is another word for "nostalgia".
SkyMall doesn't go in for this as much as, say, the Vermont Country Store catalog. But here's one.
102: Category 7
106: Category 7, shades of category 8.
A screen door is a luxury? For people who can afford to buy an airplane ticket?
Only a minority of airline revenues are generated from passengers who pay for their own tickets. An airplane is just a transit bus for a slightly better paid class of employee.
Mmm, it's got a ways to go before it displaces methaqualone.
Aren't quaaludes, like, way overdue for a comeback? I've been expecting the relevant reefer madness headlines to start appearing ever since brown liquor started becoming popular again.
"Do you come with the fan blades?"
(giggle)
109: A better paid employee is even less likely to seek out low-budget alternatives to a screen door.
How could this possibly go wrong?
Aren't quaaludes, like, way overdue for a comeback?
If only. Sadly, it's no longer legally produced, and apparently the underground chemists have better things to do with their time.
My friend and I were paging through the list of stuff he could get as a reward for working for a company 10 years.
Some of those things were worth like a hundred times as much as some other things. you could get like a fancy deck of cards, or you could get a go-cart.
Not sure where this fits in Knecht's taxonomy. It sure is whimsical, but it's not like you're going to be talking to the people gawking in horror at it.
What's wrong with this picture?
The woman isn't even looking in her stupid backup thing, so what's the point?
Oh! Maybe the idea is that you can capture the images of your victims?
your reverse light socket
I wish I had a reverse light socket, and a reverse light. Then, even at high noon, my room could be as dark and dismal as my soul ever is.
I always imagine that the people who fantasize about making a fortune off of their brilliant invention* flip through the SkyMall catalog thinking, "Yes, this proves I'm right! If they can sell the pet seatbelt for $79.99, surely my pneumatic self-cleaning spark plug will be a hit!"
*I also imagine this group having an engineering degree from a landgrant university, working for a DoD contractor, and commenting regularly on Free Republic. But that's just my prejudice.
It sure is whimsical, but it's not like you're going to be talking to the people gawking in horror at it.
I'm sure it has a target for a reason, Sifu.
69: I'll try.
John McCain is so senile he thinks Paris Hilton is where he spent the Vietnam war!
121: And the engineering degree is in an area completely unrelated to to the product.
You know, I think SkyMall's even more awesome when you aren't on a plane. It's like trying to look at psychedelic art when sober; you can imagine what it must have been like to look at high, but it still doesn't quite gel.
Just realized that there are product reviews. From the dog poop mat.
"so i paid 150 for this, when i opened the box i was like what this worth 30 bucks at most its jsut a peice of 5 dolor plastic grass and a 5 dolor plasit pan u can get at any hardwear store. lame, and my dog didnt even use it had it 2 months enver used it and few days ago she had a axodent on floor few feet from it"
A former suitemate in college was in at the beginning of Skymall. He had dropped out of college, but attended the reunion. Of course, he could have been using the Romy and and Michele trick http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120032/
but I don't think so.
What's wrong with this picture, take two.
128: Yes, it's making me think that if you ever need to convince someone of something completely wrong and off the wall, you should try to do it while on a plane with them, because clearly people are in some kind of weird mental state while in-flight.
Best four hundred dollars I ever spent.
129: Illiterate, stingy people don't appreciate quality.
132: Lack of oxygen.
To finish the story about what my friend chose as his 10-year-employee reward, I told him the only brand name I recognized as being good was the binoculars. But as a freakonomist I convinced him to get whatever would fetch the most money on eBay. Which I think was a chainsaw.
and my dog didnt even use it had it 2 months enver used it
Not everybody can boast a small piece of astroturf that has been shat on by the former dictator of Albania.
1326, it could have also been the former military chief of the Young Turks.
133. Sod that rug, it's not even big enough to fuck on.
My all-time favorite, the ropeless jump rope aka gonads on a string.
Complete with "snapping" sound!
The pool thingies are straight out of Wall-E. I'm kind of out of touch I guess, most commercials and many objects seem like satire. Product names sound like threats half the time-- I don't want citrus or sage in my soap, thanks, or $300 jeans with a hideous embroidered flowering tumor-looking decoration either.
Picking on the Franklin mint or products aimed at soothing a desperation one doesn't personally feel is only a beginning. Why should a laptop screen be so big? Do I really need all these books?
Do you think the people that buy this ever talk about it, like, well, I knew a needed a nose hair trimmer, and I thought, dammit, I want the best.
Ah, so we're on to Hammacher Schlemmer now, are we?
For the man who is too old to drive, but spry enough to golf
Why should a laptop screen be so big? Do I really need all these books?
It's the fundamental theorem of swipple: spending extravagant amounts of money on frivolous items is deprecated, while spending extravagant amounts of money on mundane items for which cheaper substitutes are available is acceptable.
Do I really need all these books?
Doctor, check his blood pressure.
That theorem makes sense, though, 145. It's anti-clutter. Clutter causes low-level stress. Looking at things that you own but never use causes low-level dissatisfaction and self-loathing.
Swing sets of inferior ethnic stock will not be allowed on good German playgrounds!
148: A friend of mine spent most of his first six years in Germany, and swears to this day that German toys are far superior, and that American toys are junk.
Clutter causes low-level stress
That would explain why elderly people tend to die when they're removed from cluttered and often old-fashioned surroundings and placed into more sanitary, restful environments; also why productive offices are uniformly tidy.
142: I'm kind of out of touch I guess, most commercials and many objects seem like satire.
If this were a different kind of blog, this would be the new mouseover text.
But yeah, this is one of the reasons I have a hard time watching television anymore. Or looking at any of the relentless parade of catalogues for junky stuff that overflow many households. It's a test of respect and tolerance, I tell you what!
Sifu, that nose hair trimmer is cracking me up. I keep thinking about that Celine Dion SNL parody: "I am zhee best sing-aiihr!"
In half seriousness, I can think of at least three reasons why folks like us instinctively look down our noses at customers of the Skymall catalog:
1. The products are (mostly) targeted at an audience that leads a McMansion/SUV lifestyle. The accumulation of so much exotic single-purpose junk is not spatially possible for the urban apartment dweller.
2. We think in terms of the opportunity costs of these items, and subconsciously think of all the tasteful, enriching things or experiences we could buy with the same money, and find ourselves unable to sympathize with the person who prefers the former to the latter.
3. To the extent that any of the items are purchased with the intent to impress others, we can't imagine wanting to impress anyone who would be impressed by those things.
Taken together, these reactions make the buyers of this stuff seem starkly alien to us. And in contrast to the equally alien buyers of Franklin Mint collectibles or ghetto bling, the buyers of Skymall shit are notionally in our SES class, or possibly above, which triggers a resentful note as well.
149: oh, I sort-of believe that. Kettler certainly makes a kickass ping pong table. I just found the phrasing kind of hilarious. Oh, a German swing set!
You know, for $1500, I'd hope that this at least has an optional dildo attachment.
Lattice of coincidence! I ordered this just last week (to replace my old one, which, tragically, broke the week before that). My purchase arrived in yesterday's mail. And I'm quite satisfied with it and self-confident enough that I'm willing to admit as much. At least to you lot.
152: I like that you can get the nosehair trimmer gift-wrapped. "For the man who has everything, except an electric device to control those ugly protruding nosehairs."
148: The gravity-defying boots are teh really awesome item in that link.
152: I love that they tested it, too. Did people have to fill out response cards? "Good nostril feel, but in the end I felt let down for reasons I can't really describe."
"Definitely trimmed my nose hair, but perhaps lacking in heft."
"Electric motor sounds tinny and low-rent. I might as well have a common shopkeeper's nose."
And I'm quite satisfied with it and self-confident enough that I'm willing to admit as much.
A money clip? I thought that Jews traditionally carried their money around in sacks of coins marked on the exterior with the symbols of the various international currencies they contain.
Save lives with the power of Argyle!
I was going to say that there's a limit, and a pretty low one at that, to how well nose hair can be trimmed. But maybe this is a shameful admission that reveals a bankruptcy of cultural capital.
trimmed
Linda Evangelista might disagree.
sacks...marked on the exterior with the symbols of the various international currencies they contain
Wait, Skymall doesn't sell those, right? Because I looked pretty carefully and couldn't find them.
...of the Austin skyline. That last phrase got cut off.
I remember reading somewhere that the list of customers for mail-order nose-hair trimmers was incredibly valuable -- the set of characteristics that made someone order a nose-hair trimmer from a catalog (nervous about their personal appearance; unwilling to risk trimming their nose-hair wrong somehow by doing it without a single-purpose device; too embarrassed to buy one in the drugstore) meant that you could sell them almost anything. SkyMall must be like that -- once someone buys anything from the SkyMall catalog, the marketers know to descend on them like vultures ("He bought a $400 two-foot square polypropelene rug because we said it was fun!")
I love going into Brookstone, but I wouldn;t buy their stuff, because it's all over-priced. Still, they have great small hairdryers, and some day I'll get a massage chair.
153: Good analysis. It really does seem alien. And a somewhat different reaction than I have to, say, Spencer Gifts.
I tis more like the reaction I have when I see clearly expensive, but odd to me, architectural enhancements by regular folk, such as otherwise ordinary rural homes that have been "upgraded" with two-story white pillars and a faux brick front. This is what you spent that windfall on?
To be fair, the $400 rug was 80 square feet.
Wait, Skymall doesn't sell those, right? Because I looked pretty carefully and couldn't find them.
It's in the edition you can find in the seatback pockets of the first class cabin, Ari. No sense wasting advertising dollars on mistargeted media.
No one ever buys any of this stuff. It's all a front, intended to make people who buy expensive shit elsewhere feel better, because an Other exists worse than themselves.
the marketers know to descend on them like vultures
I'll let you know. In fact, I'll forward all the craptastic catalogs to you if you send along your address.
170: "Sucker lists" is the term of art. Seriously. They are worth gold in the direct marketing world.
153, 172: Yeah, sort of the same reaction was behind my saying that when I flew, I wanted all the SkyMall stuff. You get this picture of someone for whom that category of stuff is desirable, and I end up daydreaming about being that person. Dsquared had some line like "I can say that if I were a cat, I wouldn't lick my ass. But it wouldn't be true, because in that case I wouldn't be me, I'd be a cat."
173: Huh. That's an awfully big chair they have on it in the picture, then.
I made the mistake of buying a wedding gift from some wine place online because I didn't have time to call around town for it ... nearly impossible to get off the catalogue mailing lists trying to sell me climate controlled rooms and various crap.
I'm not going to defend Hammacher Schlammarcher or anything, but once I reached A Certain Age, the ear hair/nose hair/eyebrow trimmer became one of the more useful items in my bathroom. Anyone who looks at me can tell I don't worry too much about my appearance, but I live in mortal fear of growing politburo eyebrows.
Kettler certainly makes a kickass ping pong table
Their tricycles are great. Also, all the best board games come from Germany.
181: I don't think it was the hair trimmers themselves that where the issue, so much as the intersection of people who a) care b) can afford electronic gizmos and c) will buy them online rather than at the drug store. Any one of those three wasn't enough to identify a target.
177: Like as noted here recently, the folks who contribute to those "hopeless" candidates where almost all of the proceeds go to the fundraising firm.
Not too long ago Michelle Malkin got all excited when she saw that Murtha's opponent had outraised him by quite a bit. Turned out that his opponent was one of those being "exploited" by one of those firms.
Also, I anyone sees Dr. B., tell her to check her email. I'm in Guelph for the next five days and need ways to entertain children.
some day I'll get a massage chair.
The daughter of a friend decided she wanted a massage chair when she was about ten. And she saved up her money from soccer referreeing, and bought a discounted floor model for about $1000 when she was around 13. And four years later, it's gotten a whole lot of use, and in retrospect seems to have been a sensible purchase. I find this whole story utterly weird.
183: and, more than that, the type of person who would care about having the best nose hair trimmer.
185: Live girl-on-bear sex shows.
186: Did she purchase the optional dildo attachment?
That site is just completely full of incomprehensibilities:
This is the only remote-controlled robot that removes leaves, small branches, and dirt from gutters. Made by iRobot®, a company founded by roboticists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and renowned for their tactical robots used in U.S. military reconnaissance missions, the robot is controlled by a 100'-range handheld remote.[...]
Includes a holster and belt for transporting the robot
It does what now?
185: I think her answer will be, "Hop on a plane to Southern California".
191: when JMS was a child, you built your own godddamned massage chair. Out of scrap metal. And you cranked it by hand, because you got a workout that way, and it built CHARACTER.
185: I know the area. How free are you to roam around? How much time?
196 cont. downside is, I don't know kids. But I could probably come up with some ideas, particularly given an idea of how much driving is allowed.
We just checked into a Romada near the university. We have a car, and I'm going to be at the conference most of the time. The rest of the family is unscheduled. email me jloftis at gmail dot com.
Here's some fun children's activities on the Guelph web site!
Hold the fuckin' phone: Rob, this is all you need to know.
The product in 192 is bizarre. iRobot is a real company that makes robotic vehicles to disable IEDs. The gutter-cleaning robot sounds like the result of a company offsite to brainstorm civilian applications for the technology, where the facilitator angrily chastised the participants for using negative phrases toward new ideas during the brainstorming session, and after that everyone was too timid to call anything a stupid idea.
I met the guy who started iRobot once, demoing Genghis at MIT. If only I'd known, I could have made fun of him for the craven things he was going to do decades into the future.
202: They also make the very popular Roomba's and have branched out into swimming pool and gutter cleaning robots, it seems.
But the gutter cleaner has nothing on this
Further to 202, I wonder if the gutter-cleaning robot was inspired by intelligent pigging.
176: I'll forward all the craptastic catalogs to you
One day anthropologists will study those catalogues, ari.
206: You're right, I suppose. Then again, the end is nigh. So perhaps not.
208: I'm sure there is a working prototype, somewhere.
210: not gonna google that at work, no sir.
Guelph is not too far from Toronto, a luttle more than an hour from downtown.
212: Yes, I suggested that amongst other things in email
The only Sky Mall taxonomy you'll ever need.
This dude invented MECE as far as I am concerned.
Is there anyone else who took a long time to comprehend that all the goods in the Sky Mall were not actually on the plane with you, available from the drink cart?
The iRobot mop thing (the Scooba) sounded cool, and a robot that cleaned your pool would really be a godsend.
I think we lost a chunk of the middle of this thread (including a shocking revelation about the fantasy life of yours truly) somehow; but yes, a couple of people had the same belief.
204:
If they could just integrate the technology with flat daddy and teledildonics, the strain on the families of our deployed servicepeople (and peripatetic consultants) would be thereby greatly lindered.
Wait soup, I just realized I mashed together two different email addresses. I should have said jloftis at lorainccc dot edu. (or rob.helpy.chalk at gmail dot com.)
The Scooba didn't quite live up to its promise (we borrowed one from a friend). The various Roomba models, on the other hand, are awesome. I'm sure they have a few employees entirely dedicated to making the behavior of these things cute.
I think we lost a chunk of the middle of this thread (including a shocking revelation about the fantasy life of yours truly) somehow; but yes, a couple of people had the same belief.
That was in SkyMall Thread #1.
I wish I had the story behind this disturbing Japanese robot.
I'm sure they have a few employees entirely dedicated to making the behavior of these things cute.
These same employees will be needed to make the upskirt robot look and behave like a puppy. "Oooh, aren't you a cute little fellow. Come over here and let me pet you! Oh, look! He's rolled over onto his back! Now he's nuzzling my leg! Isn't he the cutest thing ever?"
I wonder what jloftis at gmail will think of all this?
'm sure they have a few employees entirely dedicated to making the behavior of these things cute.
I don't know if this is true, but they do have employees dedicated to sorting out how they work with (panicked or playful or aggressive) pets.
Roombas are excellent.
185: All B would tell you is that Guelph sux, and that you should GET OUT!!!!
At least, that's the most considered thought I've ever heard from her on the subject.
226: That's only because she never took PK moose hunting.
Which, of course, makes her a BAD MOTHER.
I'm sure they have a few employees entirely dedicated to making the behavior of these things cute.
I went on an internet date once with a guy who worked on the engineering of the roomba. I'm pretty sure he was not working on the cuteness.
Once I realized that we were going to have absolutely no personal conversation during this date and started treating it like an interview with a guy who makes cool robots, it was a really interesting evening.
Speaking of the horrors of Canada, here is black-humorous postscript to the Canadian bus beheading story.
231: Some adman had a bad day, there.
Once I realized that we were going to have absolutely no personal conversation during this date and started treating it like an interview with a guy who makes cool robots, it was a really interesting evening I decided to marry him.
B never mentioned the having sex with bears part. I don't think that she's as polyamorous as she lets on. All the other girls were doing it, but she was chicken.
231: it would be wrong to treat the case leniently just because the victim was a carnie.
You know, between this guy and Pickton, the US is facing a real homocidal nutbar gap. Not in raw numbers, of course, but there's been a serious lack of creativity in recent decades. All this wander around a school/mall/post-office/McDonalds with a half dozen weapons and take potshots is pretty weak sauce. Where is the creativity? Where's the artisinal hand-crafted terror? No pride in their work.
Once I realized that we were going to have absolutely no personal conversation during this date and started treating it like an interview with a guy who makes cool robots an unfogged gossip session, it was a really interesting evening I decided to marry him.
230: I know someone whose visits with her brother are like that.
236: We've got George W. Bush and Dick Cheney running the place. All the other homicidal nutbars understand that under this administration their best work will necessarily be overshadowed. So they're waiting, sharpening the long knives. You'll see. It's in all the newsletters.
You know, between this guy and Pickton, the US is facing a real homocidal nutbar gap.
The US govt is aware of this, and border patrol already encourages them to immigrate here from Canada. but who wants to leave the free health coverage and bounteous ice wine harvests?
When I cut off someone's head I always ditch the chainsaw. Also, I avoid the psycho hairdo on head-cutting days.
I'm not saying Despres was "wrong" because, you know, different strokes.
Despres was already a naturalized US citizen, so I guess he's closer neutral in the comparison.
John, there really aren't a lot of different strokes with a chain saw. At least, not recommended ones. If you start messing about and getting createive you're likely to tip it an snap a chain. That's really no fun to catch a face full of.
243: Obvs you haven't mastered chainsaw ballet.
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OK, grim urban experience: my office window is within 4' of the bedroom window of a 4-y.o. boy next door, with whom Iris is friendly. I used to occasionally hear his dad yell at him, but nothing outlandish or abusive. Dad has left the scene, and now I hear, rather more frequently, his mom (who's really nice) yelling at him (still not abusive). I don't blame or judge her at all, but jeez.
The worst thing is that we're not quite friendly enough to offer support - it would be forward. Sigh.
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The worst thing is that we're not quite friendly enough to offer support - it would be forward. Sigh.
Eh. If the kids are friendly, and you're right next door, you can work on opening up your home to him: "Hey, Mrs X -- Iris and Bobby were having so much fun playing, and we're ordering pizza tonight. Mind if he stays and has a piece, so he and Iris don't have to stop the game? We'll send him back home around seven." Or whatever. You don't need to 'offer support' to be neighborly. And then if there's a need for support, you're better positioned to offer.
And then you offer her a beer when she picks him up, and now she has friends and social support next door, and somewhere minneapolitan thinks approvingly "Man, that's anarchism."
Come to think of it, I suppose it's safe to assume that Minneapolitan would be thinking that in Minneapolis, rather than in some undisclosed location.
249 is excellent. And the self-censure in 250 only ruins it a little.
I post and then get too busy to hang around the blog. How rude! To answer Mrs. TJ(!) back at 28:
how long have you been at this new running regimen, Stanley?
Since March.
And to address the shin splints things, I got rid of them by getting better shoes and stretching. Also: I've noticed that if I run faster, the chances of shin splints seem to increase.
All of which has absolutely nothing to do with in-flight catalogs.
Since March! Crap. Now I have catching up to do.
And how far do you run, splinty?
And how far do you run, splinty?
Really not very far, and it's all in fits and starts. Depending on what I'm doing afterwards (working arm muscles or leg muscles), between 1-3 miles. It's pitiable, really, but I'm working my way up!
Hah! HAH!
Yeah, that's about where I am. My current route is 3 miles (well, 5k per google maps), but I haven't quite run the whole thing yet. And then there was the whole soccer with the medicine ball thing.
I'm not sure anyone noted this, but 153 is missing an important explanation, namely that ninety percent of the stuff in the SM catalog is tasteless, stupid shit.
2 doesn't really get at this, because it's not a matter of comparing what else you could get for the same money: it's judging someone for wanting that, regardless of what the other possibilities are. (Talk of a lack of "sympathy" with the SM purchaser is also misleading.)
ninety percent of the stuff in the SM catalog is tasteless, stupid shit
My money clip is just fine, thank you very much.
Hah! HAH!
Sifu, it's silly to try to compare yourself to someone who's a top athlete.
Yeah well I don't wear no stupid damn facemask, do I.
Depending on what I'm doing afterwards (working arm muscles or leg muscles binge drinking or crystal meth)
259: Right, but you would if you were part of that study:
Burke was connected to equipment to measure his heart rate and oxygen uptake, and the levels of lactic acid in his blood.
Research assistant (staring at the monitor): "Oh my god! He's not breathing!"
That's your response to everything.
256: I'm not sure anyone noted this, but 153 is missing an important explanation, namely that ninety percent of the stuff in the SM catalog is tasteless, stupid shit.
Other than it clearly being an underlying premise of all three points, no one actually "noted" it. So the blog record is now complete.
The detailed analysis of shit versus non-shit that was used to arrive at Ben's 90% figure is documented in a spreadsheet at Standpipe's other blog. For simplicity's sake, ambiguous cases (e.g. "not necessarily shit, but no way is it worth $99.99") have been omitted from the calculation.
268: A spreadsheet with 27 color-coded worksheets with circles and arrows and a paragraph in the comments of each cell explaining what it is.
