Re: Mortal Wombat

1

Allow me to be the first to mention that I failed to work in a mention of the Disney classic All Dogs Go to Heaven, but not for lack of trying.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:19 AM
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This is unbelievably fantastic. Can I sign up to be a dog-walker?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:23 AM
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I have always argued that traditional Christian doctrine requires one to believe that "pets go to heaven" -- the end goal is the resurrection of the body, and after being resurrected the saved will inhabit a new heaven and new earth. As early as the second century, theologians argued that all this meant that we should expect to see all the various kinds of animals after the last judgment. All this debate about whether animals "have souls" is beside the point -- the culmination of God's plan of salvation is a kind of rebooted physical world. In fact, for this to work I'm not even sure we need to say that human beings "have souls."


Posted by: Adam Kotsko | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:23 AM
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Hey, when my good cat, Fred, died we got a sign from someone that he was being taken care of. My father woke up in the middle of the night and found the cat dead in the hall (the cat was really old). Dad wrapped him in a sheet, and grabbed a shopping bag out of the closet in the dark to put the cat in. In the morning, it became apparent that the bag was white with the word "Fred" on it in big gold script, and no one remembered who had brought it home. (Admittedly, it said "Fred the Jeweler", rather than "Fred the good cat", but that's not important.)

A small miracle, but one that we found comforting.

Then we replaced him with the psycho cat from hell.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:24 AM
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If pets do go to heaven, do some pets go to hell?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:26 AM
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I think this is decisive. Or not.


Posted by: OFE | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:26 AM
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3: so, not worth the money, you're saying?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:28 AM
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If pets do go to heaven, do some pets go to hell?

Can you really imagine a Heaven populated by tiny yappy dogs or cats who claw all the furniture to shreds? Wait, that's it, Heaven welcomes good pets and Hell employs them!


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:30 AM
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6: "All Rocks Go To Heaven" is great.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:31 AM
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6 is very cute.


Posted by: A White Bear | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:31 AM
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Maybe they should trust (observant) Jews to take care of their pets, instead?


Posted by: Merganser | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:36 AM
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12

Jews killed Jesus, Merganser.


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:39 AM
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Any raptured Christian with a pet miniature pot-bellied pig would be more confident leaving it with an observant Jew than with me, certainly.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:44 AM
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I thought this had been discussed here before. Have we already talked about the whole internet?


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 9:47 AM
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On NPR this morning there was a piece about an evangelical who wrote a book advocating the radical idea that non-Christians go to heaven. Other evangelicals said he had thrown out the essence of Christianity. He said his ideas were appealing to young people today who were uncomfortable thinking that their nice Hindu college roommate would burn in hell.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 10:00 AM
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Do beautiful Jewesses go to Heaven?


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 10:02 AM
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Other evangelicals said he had thrown out the essence of Christianity

Which apparently is glee at knowing people different from you will have to endure limitless torment. No wonder they are such a natural fit with the GOP.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 10:04 AM
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Do beautiful Jewesses go to Heaven?

Not only that, but if you're martyred you get 72 to yourself.


Posted by: OFE | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 10:05 AM
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He said his ideas were appealing to young people today

Well, if its appealing to the kids, certainly a basis can be found for working it into the theology. God appreciates the need to target His Message to fit the needs of important demographics. It's called marketing.


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 10:21 AM
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4 - hmmm, when our dog died, my dad tried to put him in a bin bag, but it broke and the dog fell out. I'd hate to think that my mother's god wasn't watching over him, but it didn't seem like it then.

I've just suggested this crazy scheme to my dad as a money-making plan for his retirement.


Posted by: asilon | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 10:23 AM
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20: Is there anyone in the UK planning on getting raptured?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 10:56 AM
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21: "When I was a child I used to have nightmares about dying. I used to lie awake at night, screaming. All the other children got to go to Heaven or Hell, and I was sent to Southend."


Posted by: ajay | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:07 AM
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When Rory's rat died, we happened upon a website that explained that pets, when they die, wait at the rainbow bridge (a happy place of play!). Then, when you die, you and your pet cross the bridge to Heaven together. Rory told me I should wait with her rat at the bridge until Rory dies so we can all three make that journey together.


Posted by: Di Kotimy | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:09 AM
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Just me and the rat. Hanging out. At the bridge. Waiting. For years. Got the rat to talk to, so take your time.


Posted by: Megan | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:18 AM
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24 made me laugh out loud.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:19 AM
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I love how atheists are viewed by fundies. Pure Evil! do not leave your dog with that normal-seeming family! They will sodomize it and then eat it!


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:19 AM
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The whole "I'm more sad that my dog isn't going to heaven than that some atheist isn't going" really gets to me.

What the hell kind of god do these people worship, anyway?


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:27 AM
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26: Yep. Never mind the glass ceiling for women, we will have arrived -- at something or other -- when an atheist can successfully run for President. It will take, what? A conception of morality as plausibly divorcible from a belief in god. I hypothesize that that's the thus-far insurmountable hurdle for the religious.


Posted by: parsimon | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:28 AM
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29

Sheep go to heaven. Goats go to hell.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:39 AM
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30

I could have sworn this was posted on this very blog three or four years back, but google searches are turning up dry.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:39 AM
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31

Maybe you're thinking about those rapture-related bumper stickers?


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:42 AM
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30: The comments have reminded me of your "pets go off to an actual farm" conversation, so it's definitely ground we've covered to some extent.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:42 AM
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This guy's project has definitely been a topic of discussion in various corners of the internet for quite a while now, although I'm not sure it's ever come up here specifically.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:44 AM
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30, meet 14. Not that I can find it either.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:51 AM
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Is there anyone in the UK planning on getting raptured?

It's like the Apple/PC thing: the UK market is much smaller, but Asilon's dad will have it all to himself.

Plus, more atheists, so downward pressure on wage rates.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 11:53 AM
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Thanks, Helpy-Chalk, for mentioning that book. I think it will be really helpful for my partner, who's still Baptistesque and doesn't really know how to defend my atheism.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 12:01 PM
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Though the obvious plus side is that with an in-house atheist she doesn't even have to worry about hiring out pet care! And I don't even require $0.94 or whatever a month, though perhaps I should.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 12:02 PM
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And I don't even require $0.94 or whatever a month, though perhaps I should.

A gentler approach would be to shovel some household duties her way. "True, the trash won't take itself out; neither will Fluffy walk herself when the Big Guy comes back."


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 12:04 PM
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I'm trying to figure out how to cash in on this hysteria to supplement my income.

Seems like exotic financial service products would be the way to go. Like a payment protection plan on your mortgage, which would ensure that your possibly not-saved family members won't lose their home when you're taken up. Or a backstop life insurance policy that will pay out the entire sum of your life insurance policy to your survivors if your secular life insurance company (with the support of activist liberal judges) declines to recognize the Rapture as a legal death for claims purposes.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 12:28 PM
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Of course, if the socialist Obama administration and their big-government allies in Congress get their way, financial innovation like this will be strangled in the cradle, and the hardworking Americans who would benefit from the peace of mind these products provide will be the losers.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 12:40 PM
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Or a backstop life insurance policy that will pay out the entire sum of your life insurance policy to your survivors

Wait, I've seen this episode of Leverage, sort of. How about we offer a percentage of total life insurance payout as an up-front lump sum to anyone willing to gamble that the Rapture will happen before they die by reassigning that payout to us?


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:05 PM
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||

Someone with full access to the New Yorker should read this article and tell me (1) if it's worth the read (it's catching much buzz locally) and (2) if I should brave the lines and try to eat there.

|>


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:11 PM
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42: Do you want me to just make a PDF of it and email? (I'm too lazy to read it myself right now.)


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:15 PM
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43: I would be forever in your debt, ().


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:17 PM
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42: I read that article when the issue came out. It was okay; amusing, but not much more than that. But yes, you should brave the lines.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:20 PM
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42: Yes, and apparently yes. I can't email it to you at the moment, so I'd recommend taking up () on her offer.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:21 PM
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47

I really love reading Calvin Trillin's writing about food, and grew up wanting to eat all of the things he wrote about, because he made them sound so fucking delicious. As an adult, I've realized that Calvin Trillin may occasionally find basically unexceptional things to be fucking delicious.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:22 PM
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48

Which you've done, so.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:22 PM
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49

As an adult, I've realized that Calvin Trillin may occasionally find basically unexceptional things to be fucking delicious.

OTOH, he was totally, utterly right about Snow's BBQ.


Posted by: Josh | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:23 PM
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50

44: Done.


Posted by: Parenthetical | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:29 PM
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42: I used to eat at China Star somewhat often, years back, and I now see from that article that some of those visits must have been during Chef Chang's tenure there. Definitely worthwhile.


Posted by: potchkeh | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:42 PM
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50: You rock; you rule. Thanks.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:54 PM
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53

which would ensure that your possibly not-saved family members won't lose their home when you're taken up.

First of all, don't be insulting. What unsaved family members? Second, why would I want to give my home to those reprobates?


Posted by: nosflow | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 1:54 PM
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First of all, don't be insulting. What unsaved family members? Second, why would I want to give my home to those reprobates?

I fear neb is right. Robust and I kid around and pretend we're all smart because we can think up these schemes. But there are men of action out there who have already figured out how to profit handsomely from the Rapture hysteria, and they have done so: by writing novels about it; by turning the novels into feature films; by imploring the television audience to call the toll-free number, etc.

They've separated the gullible from far more cash than the scheming atheists could ever dream.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:03 PM
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by turning the novels into feature films

Really astonishingly terrible feature films.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:08 PM
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53, 54: This suggests an even more lucrative scheme by which lawyers can help the enraptured assert their property rights from the beyond. No, you godless scum, you can't have my car.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:10 PM
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If I were running that post-rapture petcare business, I would try to segment the market a little more finely.

For example, I bet there is a customer segment that cares about its pets, but isn't comfortable going the left-behind-adoption route, either because the price is too high, or because they don't trust the atheists. But mightn't these customers be persuaded to pay, say, $25 to ensure that Fluffy is mercifully put down and spared from having to scrounge out a feral existence?

Or how about upselling to a premium service where your pets will be cared for by virtuous pagans instead of atheists?

This is one of those cases where "owning the customer" is the key to a successful strategy, because once you've found identified the suckers your target demographic, you can cross-sell additional products and services.

For example, what if you're expecting to be Raptured and you're not? How embarassing is that going to be? Do you really want to be ridiculed by your Godless neighbors and Democrats and what have you? Wouldn't it be worth a few grand to have the peace of mind that comes from being backed by "Rap-Sure", the discreet service that will stage your disappearance from home and hearth so that no one need ever speculate about the reasons Jesus declined to save you from the tribulation?



Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:17 PM
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57: Alternatively, find someone like me, currently atheist but guaranteed to convert the moment a bunch of rapture-rightists swoop up into the air in accordance with the script. That way you get your pet looked after by a real Christian. You'd better believe I'd be the real deal if my fundy relatives suddenly got raptured. I know the script, I know the magic spell, and I know what to expect after the rivers turn to blood and all that. Also I'd have a lot of money and plenty of space for the pets to run around in, as my Real Christian(tm) relatives are rolling in dough (the fakey-ass Christians who went off to help poor people in Africa, not so much). My compassion for the less fortunate should be no obstacle to conversion, as it's straight out the window the moment it runs up against the possibility of eternal conscious torment while Calvin oggles my junk from his cloud.


Posted by: togolosh | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:34 PM
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by turning the novels into feature films

Don't forget the real-time strategy computer game. By all accounts it's a pretty good RTS but (a) I'm terrible at real-time (turn-based all the way!) and (b) I decline to play until it's confirmed that I can play as the forces of Hell.

Wouldn't it be worth a few grand to have the peace of mind that comes from being backed by "Rap-Sure", the discreet service that will stage your disappearance from home and hearth

We would of course have to remove them completely and they would be able to take nothing, but neither would they pay for the so-called privilege of living in discrete poverty. I suggest we identify one of these self-contained retirement communities the size of a small town - surely one has gone belly-up in the real estate boondoggle or will as soon as the believers have run out on the tab en masse - and whisk them away to it with nothing but the pajamas on their back. The abandoned property of Raptured former residents would presumably be completely stocked with plenty of material goods useful to the client in consoling himself or herself over spiritual failure and our contractually obligated, tremendously showy clean-up of the "abandoned" home the client leaves behind would provide plenty of stock to supply a secondary market interested in the legal purchase of gently used junk. I think we have to be open to the idea that the real money in a post-Rapture economy is going to be in what are essentially dolled-up yard sales.

For that matter, we have fourth and fifth options for pet* salvation: one, for a slightly higher fee we rescue the pet and sell it as part of an explicitly evangelical mission with the hook being that even if we don't believe in the Word we might be able to convince someone else and what better bait than a lonely puppy; two, for platinum customers we verify and document the pedigrees of their pets and relocate them to only the most exclusive homes where even if they're in the care of the damned at least they're being treated in the manner to which they're accustomed.

* Originally mistyped as "poet salvation" which is of course a lost cause.


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:37 PM
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59: Far too complicated. Given the market we're talking about, I'm thinking a more popular product would be a badass pagan security service (staffed by Sikhs, perhaps) that will protect your house and property from being looted by Black people.

The platinum package would also include VIP services such as discreet deletion of the porn file from your hard drive.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:42 PM
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56 is somewhat similar to what I'd been thinking--does the average evangelical will have proper rapture contingency provisions? You want to make sure your will is actually drafted to be effective upon rapture, not just your death, and you also may need a complex mechanism for allocating assets among potential beneficiaries, since the set of people you'd like to benefit may vary significantly depending on whether the "saved" beneficiaries are still around. And of course it's especially complex since there's no way for the testator to know for sure which of the beneficiaries are in fact "saved", since of course only the Lord Jesus Christ knows whose names are recorded in the Book of Life.


Posted by: Brock Landers | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:42 PM
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||

Hey KR, negative bag check fees -- any thoughts?

|>


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:44 PM
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The platinum package would also include VIP services such as discreet deletion of the porn file from your hard drive.

Brilliant, but I think we'd better go ahead and opt for full disk destruction.


Posted by: Robust McManlyPants | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:48 PM
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I don't necessarily disagree with the conclusion that not charging for bags is sound business strategy for SWA, but I would take issue with a number of the glib assertions in that post. To cite but one example, "SWA has always done a brilliant job of fuel cost hedging" is just wrong. Up until about 10 years ago, SWA, uniquely among the major US airlines, engaged in no fuel hedging whatsoever.

The last paragraphs of the post constitute a statement in the form of "Airlines would make money if they would just implement this idea I have," and is therefore wrong.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:57 PM
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64=>62


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 2:58 PM
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62: But I'd love it. Onboord big bag carriers are THE DEVIL.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:00 PM
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63: "You won't burn -- but your secrets will!"


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:00 PM
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64: he also seems rather handwavey about the fuel cost/plane loading time tradeoff. Presumably it's not as cut and dried as all that, or else every single-plane-model discount carrier would do it.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:02 PM
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Does a Republican Health Care Bill have Rapture Panels?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:02 PM
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But I'd love it.

Airlines don't care what you think, Stormcrow.


Posted by: Knecht Ruprect | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:09 PM
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Don't be so sure, airline executive lurkers might be supporting me in e-mail.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:13 PM
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he also seems rather handwavey about the fuel cost/plane loading time tradeoff

Quite true. For a network carrier, shaving minutes off of boarding procedures (or below-wing handling activities) does not necessarily translate into higher aircraft utilization, because the governing constraint may scheduling rather than handling.

Oversimplifying a bit, to run a hub operation, you need a whole bunch of planes to land in a narrow time window, wait on the ground long enough to trade passengers amongst themselves, and then all take off again within a narrow window. Between the time needed to trade passengers and the time needed to get all the planes back into the air at a congested airport, the total turn time at hub airports is likely to be significantly longer than the process times above or below wing.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:48 PM
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72: so what you're saying is that airlines should goose the moving walkways up to 20mph or so and eliminate in-terminal bathrooms?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:50 PM
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73: No, no. He's saying the planes should take off downhill and land uphill.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:52 PM
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If I told you you had a congested hub, would you hold it against me?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:57 PM
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My hub is uncongested....planeez.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 3:59 PM
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If I told you you had a congested hub, would you hold it against me?

I prefer point-to-point traffic, IYKWIM.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 4:25 PM
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26 makes me sad that I can't find Ogged's oh-so-reasonable estimate of the proportion of girl-on-family-dog events.


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 4:36 PM
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Here you go, TJ.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 4:43 PM
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Do beautiful Jewesses go to Heaven?

no, they are heaven.


Posted by: yoyo | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 4:48 PM
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Ah, I thought it was 60%!


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 4:54 PM
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||

Reading that Taste of China article () sent me, it occurs to me that both the restaurant and that GOP office whose windows got smashed are in the same random, rink-dink stripmall. WEIRD!

|>


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 5:22 PM
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Excellent title, Stanley.


Posted by: beamish | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 5:35 PM
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||

OT Bleg: Do any Boston/Brookline area unfoggeders know of a grocery store where I can buy Passover Coca Cola, the stuff made with real sugar?

|>


Posted by: Bostoniangirl | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 5:39 PM
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83: Thanks, beamish.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 03-26-10 6:28 PM
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84: I'm pretty sure that the Star Market out by Washington Square in Brookline would have it (that's where I plan to get my Pesach stuff).


Posted by: the Other Paul | Link to this comment | 03-27-10 12:34 AM
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86 is capitluation.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-27-10 1:24 AM
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Ah, I thought it was 60%!

I still agree with the consensus that ogged was full of it, but I must say that I find his conjecture slightly more plausible since I learned that our former au pair used to jerk off our dog. I didn't see this personally, but Fleur did, and she is a credible witness.

Actually, "jerk off" is probably hyperbolic, because there is no evidence she brought him to orgasm, but the dog used to lie on its back in her lap and she would take his penis between thumb and forefinger and stimulate him.

To this day, the dog is inordinately fond of lying on his back in people's laps.


Posted by: KR | Link to this comment | 03-27-10 2:01 AM
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It's weird that you can go your whole life hearing what appear to be urban myths, and discount them the whole while (in school, youth groups, bands, whatever), but then some arbitrary imaginary person on the internet, an implausible "Knecht Ruprecht" says his made up partner "Fleur" saw something happen, and you believe it.


Posted by: Awl | Link to this comment | 03-27-10 2:14 AM
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89: Call it the "DeLong Paradox".

Or perhaps the "LizardBreath Paradox".


Posted by: Knecht Ruprecht | Link to this comment | 03-27-10 2:49 AM
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87: Capitulation to what? To whom?


Posted by: the Other Paul | Link to this comment | 03-27-10 8:33 AM
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91: I don't remember.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 03-27-10 9:50 AM
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