Re: Jesus Is Coming

1

Do Protestants (I'm assuming Protestants, because Alabama) typically kneel when they pray? As a Catholic, the only time I kneeled to pray was in church, and I have the impression that Protestants are much less with the up-down-kneel-sit-genuflect-Omaha-hike stuff in church.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:10 PM
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"Protestants" is too broad a category for any answer. Do Americans? Do people?

I certainly never knelt to pray, but it is common in some styles.


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:15 PM
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What's the entendre? The idea is that you're blowing God? Do people say "I'm going to send you some knee mail" before a blow job?


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:17 PM
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Urple, stop posting as Halford.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:21 PM
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I don't think just mentioning "knees" makes for a very strong entendre either.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:22 PM
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Truly the worst commenting community on the entire internet. Including YouTube! AND local newspapers!


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:25 PM
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I'm certain I've seen much better double-entendres based on the evangelical habit of referring to prayer as time spent on your knees. "You only know someone's a real man when you see him on his knees" etc.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:26 PM
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I think ogged just has a knee fetish.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:27 PM
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Christ hates puns. Puns and, to a slightly lesser extent, those who cause the least of His children to sin pun.


Posted by: Flippanter | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:27 PM
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Puns make Jesus cross?


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:31 PM
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Bill Cosby had a bit about "protestants can't kneel."


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:31 PM
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The church sign near my work says "Going to waste? Let Jesus recycle you!" which I find really disconcerting.

I mean, I know that this sign probably exists because the preacher was trying to think up good slogans while taking out the garbage, but one should really think through these things. Is the process of salvation really like being melted down to make eco-friendly consumer goods? Well, I suppose some people might think of it that way. But is that the image you want to lead with when preaching to the unconverted?


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 2:32 PM
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What's the entendre? The idea is that you're blowing God? Do people say "I'm going to send you some knee mail" before a blow job?

It's like you've never even seen South Park.


Posted by: Ginger Yellow | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 3:32 PM
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Linky linky


Posted by: Ginger Yellow | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 3:33 PM
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Episcopalians kneel to pray; Presbyterians do not. Or, to put it another way,

Pisky, Pisky, say Amen
Doon on your knees and up again
Presby, Presby, dinna bend
Sit ye doon on Man's Chief End.


Posted by: | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 3:41 PM
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6: We don't know how to love you.


Posted by: Natilo Paennim | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 3:52 PM
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Prior discussion, with rim jobs.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 3:58 PM
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17: That's what I was trying to think of!

The link to the original set of church signs is broken, but this is probably what we were talking about.

As a bonus it features the slogan "Real friends don't rub it in, they rub it out," which was tweeted by a prominent right wing Christian recently (Santorum?) who had to quickly take it down.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 4:13 PM
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Joel Osteen!


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 4:16 PM
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Whether or not Protestants kneel in church or ever while praying elsewhere, kneeling is still the metonym for praying.


Posted by: Blume | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 4:56 PM
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Whether or not Protestants kneel in church or ever while praying elsewhere, kneeling is still the metonym for praying

That is very true and very well expressed.

Take your troubles to the chapel

Get down on your knees and pray

Your burdens will be lighter

And you'll surely find the way



Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 5:02 PM
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We don't know how to love you.

<Standpipe />


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 5:37 PM
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Maybe it's for Catholics? They're supposed to eat the literal body of Christ.


Posted by: Neil the Ethical Werewolf | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 6:26 PM
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I'm on my phone so presumably there's a link or something not working for me in the OP.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 7:44 PM
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No link, but there is a picture.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 7:44 PM
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There's a picture, Stormcrow. It's just the GOD ANSWERS KNEE MAIL hilarious church-sign slogan on one of those painted wood signs for the home that are apparently all the rage now.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 7:45 PM
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It is current; I'd heard it quoted approvingly by my mother, who lives in a much more Christian world than I do.


Posted by: idp | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 7:52 PM
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25, 26: Ob, I see the picture. So that's the post.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 7:59 PM
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I didn't think the comments could get any worse, Stormcrow. CONGRATULATIONS.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:01 PM
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There's a country song I've mentioned here before where the girl goes off to make it big in Nashville, and her mother's advice (which echoes in her head) is "just remember what your knees are for."

(I've mentioned this song before. I think it's Sugarland, ie my-country-twang-sounds-like-tortured-cats.)


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:16 PM
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heebie, does the song seem self-aware? I can't tell if the Mary Mary "God in me" song does on that front. You'd think it would, but I'm just not sure.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:19 PM
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Not particularly self-aware, but they just have to stay ahead of their audience.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:24 PM
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A local kid was in a tragic accident. Apparently parents are wildly religious; prayer warriors were summoned, etc. sure, I'm not going to give anyone a hard time for that. (I'm getting third hand details on FB)

Kid seems to be making an amazing recovery.
1. People make super horrible comments about how this will show all those nonbelievers and they can't know the power of Jesus in your heart, like we can.
2. At one point after things seemed to be going well, something medically concerning is possible, and the parents ask urgently for more prayers, saying "we are being spiritually attacked" or some language implying the devil was duking it out with the prayers inside their son's body.

People sure are weird and I'm sure I'll regret portraying my community as this crazy.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:32 PM
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That's what our wingnut neighbor in NM was like: he thought Satan was a real presence in the world. Don't hold back, Heebie; these people would be lining up to burn witches if it came back into style.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:37 PM
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What if it said "We get on our knees for MORAL!" any entendring?


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:40 PM
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34: it sort of was back for a while but it coincided with heroin chic so they didn't burn that great.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:40 PM
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People make super horrible comments about how this will show all those nonbelievers and they can't know the power of Jesus in your heart, like we can.

God, that's enraging. As if the only reason kids die in horrible accidents is because people don't pray hard enough for them? A couple of weeks ago a little kid my parents had taught in Sunday school was run over in a hit and run and killed. Their whole church is, understandably, pretty shaken up about it. I don't think lack of prayer was the problem.


Posted by: essear | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:42 PM
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I hear the hipster Puritans were to artisanally singe their witches.


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:44 PM
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were s/b used


Posted by: Stanley | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:45 PM
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I wasn't planning to say this, but Selah's mom is dealing with losing her parental rights by clinging to "everything happens for a reason," and I hate when people say that but I can't really criticize her for it because obviously she needs something.

I do get sort of sad for people who think Satan is personally fucking with them all the time, because it just sounds exhausting and depressing. Obviously they're equally pitying toward me and my ilk.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:49 PM
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40.1: you could just assume she's really fond of classical mechanics.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:54 PM
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41: She was very clear about who's behind it. And I'm really not making fun of her. I have no idea how a person would come to terms with that sort of thing and stay sane. I think blaming God is as good a system as any. It just also makes me really sad.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 8:59 PM
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Anyway, the KNEE MAIL message strikes me as old, the sort of thing I was seeing on church billboards more than 5 years ago, though I expect a certain amount of recycling to go on there, though not of the kind helpy-chalk gets. I definitely think ogged should do better in showing us unique Alabamacana.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 9:19 PM
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Thorn just told ogged that his kung-fu is weak. Are you going to take that, ogged?


Posted by: Den E. Crumb | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 9:28 PM
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Given that I'm not going to venture out of Birmingham, yes.


Posted by: ogged | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 9:48 PM
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Maybe it's for Catholics? They're supposed to eat the literal body of Christ.

So they do sit and eat. [linked before in pretty much the same context]


Posted by: fake accent | Link to this comment | 05- 3-14 10:54 PM
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Anyway, the KNEE MAIL message strikes me as old, the sort of thing I was seeing on church billboards more than 5 years ago, though I expect a certain amount of recycling to go on there, though not of the kind helpy-chalk gets. I definitely think ogged should do better in showing us unique Alabamacana.

5 years ago?? More like 1996. Shouldn't there be something about twitter or instagram now? Like, um, "God: why have 140 characters when you only need one?" or...uh..."Jesus prioritizes you in his FB feed"


Posted by: Britta | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 12:05 AM
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Well, these sorts of churches tend to be a bit behind the times.


Posted by: teofilo | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 12:15 AM
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"God has a blog.... its called The Bible!"


Posted by: Spike | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 3:53 AM
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50

"Jesus saves your Snapchats."


Posted by: Eggplant | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 4:00 AM
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51

One I see from the highway says something like "Good advice, romance, poetry -- The Bible has it all!" Usually that's one that's bossier about making your kids be Christian or the need to be saved, but I guess they're going for a softer sell this week.

I'm actually more interested in the signs ogged posted than the message. Why are people trying to sell (I'm assuming!) pinterest-friendly wooden signs with old church sign text? Are people actually buying them, thinking it's perfect for Mother's Day or something? I suspect people are, and I guess there have always been plenty of places to buy posters of cliches.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 4:11 AM
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52

What would Jesus favorite?


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 4:46 AM
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In grad school the undergrad I supervised like to play on our group volleyball team. So for his birthday I bought him a pair of kneepads. Inappropriate? I honestly didn't realize the potential meaning until years later.


Posted by: SP | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 5:11 AM
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Why are people trying to sell (I'm assuming!) pinterest-friendly wooden signs with old church sign text? Are people actually buying them, thinking it's perfect for Mother's Day or something?

I think so. I think it appeals to the "rustic chic" demographic.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 5:49 AM
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I might have meant "shabby chic".


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 5:50 AM
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Folk chic.


Posted by: JP Stormcrow | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 6:18 AM
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51.1 -- They should have added sex and violence.


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 6:35 AM
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I might have meant "shabby chic".

Better than "shabu chic"


Posted by: Turgid Jacobian | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 6:50 AM
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Shabbes chic, Shamu chic, who can keep track of the trends these days.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 6:59 AM
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Shaq chic.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 6:59 AM
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Church Sign Epic Fails: He's done a ton of them.


Posted by: chris y | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 7:00 AM
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I honestly didn't realize the potential meaning until years later.

Unfogged has made you a better informed and more perceptive observer of the human condition.


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 7:01 AM
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Don't even get started on the clear drug reference in "Jesus on the Main Line." And in "Nearer my God to Thee" they're obviously getting nearer because they're FUCKING. Oh well, off to teach nine year olds in Sunday School -- for real!


Posted by: Robert Halford | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 7:28 AM
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How many nine-year-olds would it take to bring Halford's theological arguments down?


Posted by: apostropher | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 7:53 AM
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From 61:

Many men stayed straight because their mothers bent their knees.

So much wow.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 7:54 AM
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Nice.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 8:01 AM
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Just for Ogged.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 8:03 AM
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Speaking of bad sexual puns, some guy was out there on the side of the race holding a sign reading "Don't stop, don't stop". Then his girlfriend, one assumes, was just behind him with a "That's what she said" sign.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 8:53 AM
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There was also a "Run faster Daddy. My diaper needs changing." I assume that was a sex thing because it was held by a woman who looked about thirty or so.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 8:56 AM
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Many men stayed straight because their mothers bent their knees.

suck pray the gay away!


Posted by: Britta | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 9:57 AM
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The whole "God will save our injured/sick child if we pray hard enough" has always puzzled me (me the atheist).

I mean, do Christians ever think what this implies?

God: I smite your child with a tragic accident/disease. He will now die.

People: Oh noes! Summon prayer warriors!

God: Oh. Well. I WAS going to kill your toddler tragically. But since 116 of you have prayed for 300 hours -- wait. 115? It's only 115? WELL NEVER MIND THEN!

I mean, God's kind of a dick in this scenerio, frankly. WTF?


Posted by: delagar | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 10:58 AM
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There's a meme on facebook of a doctor with his face buried in his hands as he watches a screen, saying something like "Only 200 more likes until I can save this poor boy's life!" which made me laugh.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 11:03 AM
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God's kind of a dick alright


Posted by: Job | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 11:06 AM
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72: Because of Obamacare.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 11:50 AM
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75

Disappointed that the link in 17 had no discussion of Ellis the Rim Man.


Posted by: k-sky | Link to this comment | 05- 4-14 8:20 PM
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51.2: There's a hipster shop in the most thoroughly converted neighborhood of Seattle that's about half these black-and-white Pinterest/Paper Source signs. Less explicitly Christian -- unless some of the references to wine work double -- but overwhelmingly positive thinking. I think someone must have worked out a mostly automated typesetting for them, because they're use varying font size and sometimes change layout direction but I don't think it's hand-done.

I spent hours this weekend poring over a photo book of `Lost London', photos of urban fabric 1880s-1910s-1940s, which is of course full of sign layout. Funny point: before inflation was a steady thing, businesses could paint their prices on high walls, they wouldn't change before the paint wore off. Also mildly interesting for a USian, the buildings that look most US-ish are old or rural or both -- partly because those are clapboard (`weatherboarded') and also because of the shape.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 11:17 AM
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Why are people trying to sell (I'm assuming!) pinterest-friendly wooden signs with old church sign text?

For whatever reason, these signs have recently started to sprout all sorts of text that doesn't seem in any way related to the aesthetic. That is, I've seen this type of sign in country shops for 20+ years, and for a long time there was a pretty narrow range of phrases, mostly tied to country living and/or traditional piety - "Bless This Home", that sort of thing. I feel as if, starting maybe 5 years ago, I started noticing phrases that didn't seem to have any relationship to rustic chic - quotes from Peter Pan, faintly racy stuff.... This would be more helpful with examples, I know, but I don't exactly memorize these things.

Anyway, here's my theory: people have been making this stuff for however long, and selling a certain amount, and so you only needed so many stock phrases. But demand has gone up, and sign-makers are now reaching for ever less relevant phrases just to fill the damn signs. And it turns out that people have no taste, so there's no real feedback loop that says, "Signs with phrases more suited to the wall of a frat house than somebody's country kitsch living room don't sell."

I was just thinking the other day, as we used some regifted vanilla cinnamon-scented shower gel to wash the shit-covered dog, that a factor in these industries is that nobody buys these things for themselves, and so there's no quality control.


Posted by: JRoth | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 11:41 AM
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Someone wrote a whole little much-reviled book on the economic deadweight of gifts. Made sense to me. Corporate gifts are even worse.

One of the hipster restaurants had sort-of handlettered signs, but they'd used stencils and filled them in with chalk marker.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 11:59 AM
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79

|>
The Dwarf Lord and I have left behind the sofa-futon of youth and are deciding between a custom sofa (hence, visit to hipster light-industrial neighborhood) or a grownup-furniture-store one of about the same size. We are told that non-custom ones aren't built very well any more and aren't likely to last more than 20 years. They sure cost less, though. Anyone here have an estimate of how well the price matches longevity?

Brainstorm: I should ask the refinishing/rebuilding/reupholstering shop that just fixed some fauteuils for me.
|>


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:01 PM
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I think IKEA couches are really hit and miss in terms of their durability, but I do know tons of people with small, destructive children and IKEA couches that are holding up just fine. Also, isn't 20 years sufficiently durable for a couch?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:14 PM
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Remember the super ridiculously opaque countertop pricing process? I emailed her back on Friday and asked if there was wiggle room on this price.

She just wrote back:

Unfortunately I'm at the mercy of the estimating system's calculations. I looked it over though and have confirmed that I entered all the info correctly, and I can also say that the Blue Macauba stone is pretty expensive...one of the most expensive I've ever priced. Sorry I don't have better news.

Given that the inventory place won't give customers a price, I just don't see how there can be a computer program that talks to the inventory people and gets a price from them that is fully automated. Am I missing something?


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:17 PM
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79: Good luck. Couches are hard! We looked for a while a couple of years ago, and just couldn't find anything we liked, so inertia took over, then we had huge dental bills and no money, so we still have the stupid futon. The boyfriend is still a little in love with the leather sofa from Restoration Hardware that cost $6,000.


Posted by: ydnew | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:19 PM
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83

80 is right.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:20 PM
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84

I would figure out a number that you'd be willing to pay, and tell her "Wow, I really can't pay more than X, even for something that pretty. So I guess we'll be looking for cheaper countertops in the X-Y range. (Where Y is fairly large, to account for the fact that cheaper stuff won't be as pretty as the blue swirly stone)."

I don't think that will work -- that is, I think you'll end up buying something cheaper -- but if there is wiggle room, that should shake it loose.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:21 PM
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81: That's so bizarre, though I know nothing about how it should work. Not like that, I'd have guessed. But apparently blue is always in the rarest/most expensive group per some Utah granite blog.


Posted by: Thorn | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:23 PM
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For reasons related to emotions I maybe don't fully understand, I ended up with the Stickley sofa my ex's mom bought us many years ago to replace a futon couch. Given that I might have inherited a Stickley set from parents but for their having letting go of it when it became unfashionable, I think I've basically broken even, sofa-wise.


Posted by: Jesus McQueen | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:25 PM
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Okay, I sent something to the effect of 84.

What I'm actually leaning towards doing is just using 12" floor tiles for the counter. That's what our bathroom counters use, and it's sufficiently level, and about $1.50/square foot.


Posted by: heebie-geebie | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:34 PM
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I don't think 20 years is a long enough life expectancy for anything made out of wood that took 20 years to grow. (IKEA uses small timber, but not that small -- even the alder veneer trees are usually 20-30a in WA. And anyhow we've had terrible durability out of everything IKEA, and a hard time getting replacement parts, which pissed me off more.) But my parents are in good health, thank the Fates, and I forwent the big furniture from East Coast grandparents (Dwarf Lord is grateful, as East Coast great grandparents were evidently a whole lot shorter than he is), so if I want a couch I have to buy one.

tl;dr I agree with ydnew's boyfriend, and just need to save up.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:38 PM
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I don't think 20 years is a long enough life expectancy for anything made out of wood that took 20 years to grow.

I have some bad news about nearly every product made of wood that is sold in this country.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:40 PM
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Dwarf Lord is grateful, as East Coast great grandparents were evidently a whole lot shorter than he is

I have idly wondered if Dwarf Lord's dwarfishness consisted of height, extravagant facial hair, or remarkable smithing skills.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:42 PM
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Oooh, Heebie, one of the fancy decorating magazines (House Beautiful, maybe?) has a showoff piece on a pink and black tiled bathroom in the current (in my library) ish. You are perfectly in the swim.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:43 PM
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90: could just have royal dispatch to lead the dwarves.


Posted by: Sifu Tweety | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:45 PM
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90: I decided, on no evidence, that it was because he was always playing dwarf fortress.


Posted by: rob helpy-chalk | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:45 PM
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90: he's correctly beamed and propped.

Well, that's my affectionate reasoning. Friends dubbed him that when he had some long-obsolete and never-common cable in his shop, with relevant attachments; he emerged from the basement beaming and the guy who needed it said `And the Dwarf Lord rolls a 20'.

... Our computers may have an average age higher than the median US furniture. Hippie dweebs, we are, she said self-depreciatingly.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:47 PM
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So, basically the smithing skills, to stretch a banned analogy.


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:54 PM
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I guess so. No-one else admits the resemblance to Captain Carrot.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:56 PM
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He's entirely humorless and spells badly?


Posted by: LizardBreath | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 1:58 PM
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He does spell badly.


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 2:00 PM
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I didn't think dwarfs could cast spells at all.


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 2:03 PM
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Clew, don't even think about the mill downriver from us that's selling 2x4s to Chinese companies for one-time use supporting forms for concrete. Beelted, yes, but rotting on the forest floor seems the better fate.


Posted by: CharleyCarp | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 2:10 PM
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Our computers may have an average age higher than the median US furniture.

It seems like it would be better to use median in both cases -- one 20 year old computer which is hardly ever used will drive up the average.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 2:14 PM
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My parents still have an Apple ][c in the basement. They keep asking me to go through stuff and get rid of it


Posted by: Moby Hick | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 2:30 PM
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Thank you, NickS, and may I have another?


Posted by: clew | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 2:48 PM
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Heh, I should have said that the "Dwarf Lord" story is great.


Posted by: NickS | Link to this comment | 05- 5-14 2:57 PM
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